Remember, the only important value judgments are “I never considered that before, but it might feel good,” or “That doesn’t sound like something I would enjoy,” or even “Yuch. Not my thing.”
Now that you know why I wrote this book and how I wrote it, settle back and open your mind. Read and enjoy.
2
BOOKMARKING—WHY AND HOW
Bookmarking, the technique that Pete and I used to explore our mutual interests, worked well for us. Throughout this book, I have used stories to illustrate my ideas and I’m suggesting that you use the same stories to communicate with your partner.
Why do we need help discussing sex with our partner? Because many of us have never learned how. As a matter of fact, many of us never learned that it was okay or even possible to admit to ourselves that we wanted or needed something different, much less to discuss those needs with anyone.
Sexual communication in its simplest form has been going on since the first caveman grunted his version of “Assume the position,” and the first cavewoman grunted back, “Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.”
Over the years, mankind has come a long way. Books such as The Joy of Sex and Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex… have taught us much. Dr. Ruth Westheimer has done a herculean job of dragging us, stammering and blushing, out of the dark ages of sexual communication. We now read articles such as “How to Achieve Orgasm in Your Camper,” “Fun with Ice and Feathers,” and “The Erogenous Zone that Brings Instant Orgasm” in our favorite magazines. Most of us can now even say vagina and penis without giggling.
Some of us have come far enough to say to our partner, “I’d like to try something different,” but can we verbalize what that something is? I’m afraid many of us can’t.
Maybe she would like to tell him that she would like to play doctor. Maybe he would like to tell her that he would enjoy being spanked.
But sexual communication carries risk.
Will he think that he’s not satisfying me and will he be terribly hurt?
Will she think I’m not man enough to become aroused by what we’re already doing?
Will he think that I’m some kind of pervert for wanting something that’s a little off center?
Will she be so turned off by my suggestion that she’ll never get excited by me again?
Will he think that I’m not woman enough to be excited by the ordinary?
Will she laugh at me?
Will he think I’m a bimbo?
Will she be mad?
Will he be mad? And on and on…
The rewards of successful sexual communication are enormous. I think that most people want to please both their partner and themselves, and throughout this book I’ll try to help you discover ways to do both.
Before we explore what to try, let me try to answer one basic question. How can you minimize the risk? I am advocating nonspoken, nonthreatening sexual communication. That’s part of what this book is about: using erotic literature as a tool.
Erotic writing and storytelling is designed to arouse and stimulate lovemaking. The word erotica comes from the Greek erotikos, “of or caused by love.” That Greek word derives from Eros, the Greek god of love. Please don’t confuse this with pornography, which is defined as “written, graphic, or other forms of communication intended to excite lascivious [lustful or lewd] feelings.” This word comes from porne, the Greek word for harlot.
I’m suggesting that you use erotica as a communication tool the way I did with Pete and still do with Ed.
There are two ways to start. Either read this book yourself, then use a bookmark to indicate something that excites you, and give the volume to your partner to read in private, or give the book to your partner unmarked and let him or her do the bookmarking.
Of course, if, while you’re reading, you find a section of this book so exciting that you want to put the book aside and make passionate love to your partner, forget the bookmark and go for it. If you’re lucky, it will take weeks for you to finish the book and you’ll enjoy the frequent interludes even before you start bookmarking.
Don’t feel that you have to read all the stories I’ve written. Some may not interest you. However, by reading the entire book, you may become aware of sexual games that you never thought about before but that intrigue you. There are also small items in each story that you might want to mark: a particular position or a place to make love, a toy to play with, or a role to play.
After you have read as much as you want, select an idea, a situation, a position, or whatever and mark it. Use a bookmark dog-ear the page, or underline or highlight a particular sentence or paragraph. Then give this book to your partner, or leave it where he can find it. If you want to, you can read sections of the book aloud.
Another way to use this volume is to give the unmarked book to your partner and suggest that he bookmark a section and give it back to you. But whatever way you choose to use this book, continue to use it. Your first bookmark shouldn’t be your last.
Don’t panic if you are the recipient of the book, unmarked. Open your mind and relax. Someone is trying to tell you something wonderful. You have just gotten one of the best compliments you have ever received. Your partner has said to you, “I think that you are open-minded enough to understand what I am trying to tell you. I want to have fun with you. I want us to enjoy something new, together. I don’t want to fantasize alone anymore. I want to share my fantasies with you or even act one out. What would you like to try?”
Do what I did. Select a story that appeals to you and put a bookmark on the first page of the article. If only a small section of a story appeals to you, mark the page, or write in the margin.
If the idea of acting out a situation or trying a new scenario doesn’t appeal to you yet, bookmark one of the “Bedtime Stories” at the end of the book that might be fun to read aloud or just read silently together. Be sure to clarify whether you want to read aloud or act out.
Whatever you’ve chosen, give the book back to your partner. If you find the whole thing very embarrassing, that’s all right. Slip the book under your partner’s pillow, on the seat of the car, or in a briefcase.
Notice that it is not necessary to speak, or even to face each other. Your embarrassment needn’t be obvious. You can pretend to be as suave as you like, although it’s probably unnecessary. Most likely your partner will be as nervous as you are.
Now relax and wait to see what happens.
What should you do if you are the recipient of a bookmarked article?
Smile. Your partner has just said something wonderful to you. She has just said, “Here is a secret that I haven’t shared with anyone. It’s a delicious idea that might appeal to you and might enhance our sexual and sensual time together. I want to share this idea. Does it appeal to you?”
There are, of course, two answers to that unspoken question.
If the idea doesn’t appeal to you, read the book yourself and move the bookmark. Slip a note in the newly selected page and say, “How about this instead?” The book can pass back and forth until you find a mutually satisfying selection. Maybe you’ll find only a small passage. That’s all right, too. You’ve just opened a sexual dialogue, without words. Other forms of communication will grow from it.
It is most important that your body language reinforce your desire to continue to communicate in order to find a mutual pleasure. This is a very delicate moment and your partner has taken a risk. He has risked your disapproval. Tread very gently. If his idea of something wonderful is about as far from yours as it can get, that’s okay. Just don’t convey the feeling that there is something “bad” about what was just communicated. Remember one of the premises upon which this book is based: Nothing that two people enjoy doing together is “bad.” People’s ideas of what’s sexually stimulating are often different.
If the idea that your partner has suggested appeals to you, that’s wonderful. Very often, two people have had the same fantasies for a long time but never kne
w it.
Now you have to figure out how to bring your mutual desires from fantasy to reality. What a wonderful problem.
First, get rid of the kids. Send them to their grandparents. Swap them out with a neighbor. Hire a baby-sitter and rent a motel room for the evening. Put a lock on your bedroom door, if necessary.
Then, set the scene, if that’s appropriate. Have a good dinner. Put soft music on the stereo. Have some wine. Anticipation is a large part of the fun, but it’s also a nervous time. Each of you is looking for any hint of disapproval from the other, so you must each continually and deliberately send positive messages. Smile. Touch. Kiss. Whisper. Take a warm shower—together.
Then, while in the throes of your new experience, continue to send positive messages. “That feels so good.” “I love it when you do that.” “Move over this way so I can enjoy you more.” Purr, groan, make the sounds that your partner has come to understand as positive feedback. Don’t expect your partner to guess. Tell him or her before, during, and after.
If you’re acting out a scene, get into it. Use the appropriate tone of voice, be young, old, masterful, subservient, hesitant, knowledgeable, ignorant, whatever is called for. And if you find you have the urge to giggle, do so. I was always afraid that my laughter would send the wrong message and ruin the mood. When a chuckle slipped out, I apologized. I was amazed how often laughing was my partner’s urge at that moment, too, and he was just as afraid about killing the mood. Don’t worry. A good laugh during sex is a great positive reinforcer. It also reduces the level of sexual tension a bit, so you can increase it again. And that’s an unexpected bonus that prolongs your lovemaking.
There is one more important thing—your reaction afterward. The question that will be on your partner’s mind, as well as yours, is “Was it really okay?” Each time you take a new step, you need to know and to communicate to your partner that it’s really okay. I still tell my partner that whatever new experience we just tried was okay and I still need to be told, as well. And don’t confuse okay with enjoyable. Okay means that you are not repelled by the fact that your partner tried something different. Even if you didn’t enjoy what you just did, be sure he understands that it was all right for him to try new things. It was the activity, not him, that you didn’t enjoy.
It’s possible that although an activity seemed all right while you were very excited, later, in the cold light of morning, you realize that it wasn’t something that you are anxious to repeat. Or maybe you were willing to give it a try since your partner seemed so interested but it didn’t work out for you. Talk this over, too. Be honest, and suggest an alternative for the future.
I spoke about minimizing risk. When you and your partner have tried something different, you must reinforce the reward. You can say, “That was wonderful—I enjoyed it,” or you can just purr. Don’t forget to send those nonverbal signals, too. Touch and cuddle to ease doubts, both yours and your partner’s.
Alice and Tony’s story illustrates how one couple might have used this book to explore a new sexual activity that Tony hadn’t known how to discuss with his wife.
ALICE AND TONY’S STORY
It was pouring when Alice returned from waiting for the school bus with her three children. She shed her raincoat, put her open umbrella in the downstairs bathtub, and poured herself a much-needed cup of coffee. Cup in hand, she slowly climbed the stairs to make the beds, clean the bathroom, and tidy up after the children and her husband, Tony.
With a sigh, she walked into the bedroom and set her coffee mug on her bedside table. Then she noticed the book. It was lying on her pillow, with a bookmark on top and a note saying simply, “I Love You.” She picked up the note and looked at the book beneath. The cover was unmistakable. It was that book about kinky sex.
Heavily, she sat down on the bed and her hands began to shake. She knew all about the book but had never actually seen a copy.
Why was Tony giving her a sex manual? After all, that was what it was. What was Tony trying to tell her? Was he upset with her? Was there another woman?
She squared her shoulders. Don’t get yourself all worked up, she told herself. You’re overreacting. She looked at the note still in her hand. “I Love You.”
Tony must be telling me that he wants to spice up our sex life. She was amazed. She had thought that it was only she who was dissatisfied with their sex life. She set the note and the book down on the bureau and walked over to the full-length mirror on the back of the bedroom door. She studied her reflection.
Her hair was brown and curly and tended to frizz a bit when it was damp, as it was now. Her hazel eyes were surrounded by long lashes. She looked better with eye makeup, but she usually didn’t bother to use it except when she and Tony were going out.
Her nose was small, as was her mouth. Hers was not an exciting face, but not a dreadful one, either. Alice pulled at the back of her oversized sweater, stretching it tightly across her small breasts and flat stomach. For a woman of forty, she thought, I haven’t got a bad figure at all.
She walked back over to the bureau and looked down at the book—a sex manual.
Tony and Alice had been married for fourteen years and their sex life wasn’t very exciting anymore, but it was usually pleasant. Alice had read articles in the magazines she got at the supermarket about how to jazz up your sex life, and she occasionally considered actually doing something. But on the rare occasion that she had thought about something creative, she realized anew that she hadn’t a clue how to talk to Tony about such topics. So she had learned to be content, only rarely acknowledging her vague feeling that there could be more to her bedroom relationship with her husband.
With a sigh, Alice left the book on the bureau and spent the next hour tidying the house. After finishing the bathrooms, she wandered back into her bedroom.
As she pulled the sheets tight and stretched the bedspread across the blankets, her eyes strayed to the book still resting on the bureau. She threw Tony’s dirty underwear into the hamper and glanced at her bedside clock: 11:15. Still lots of time before lunch.
Slowly, she walked over and picked the book up. She sat down on the edge of the bed, turned to the first page, and started reading. By the time she reached page seven, she had made herself more comfortable and stretched her legs out on the bedspread. It took a half hour for her to finish the first chapter. Already, she had blushed and giggled out loud at some of the things she had read, but she was still reading.
“Someone is trying to tell you something wonderful.” The words from the book kept echoing in her head as she read. Tony is trying to tell me something nice. She turned to the next chapter and kept reading. Some of the activities discussed sounded so outrageous to her that she skipped whole pages. Occasionally, she looked around guiltily, as though someone might catch her enjoying other sections.
She heard the front door slam and glanced at the clock: 3:30. Where had the day gone? She hadn’t finished the book, but she knew that she would read the rest another time. And one story in particular had given her chills. Did she dare to do what the book suggested and bookmark that story before giving the book back to Tony?
She slammed the book shut, slid it under her bed, and went downstairs. All afternoon, despite two trips to after-school activities and one to the supermarket, that one story hadn’t left her mind.
Could she? Did Tony really mean that she should use the bookmark he had left for her? Did she really want Tony to know what she was thinking? Would he be shocked or angry? Oh God, she thought, what should I do?
“Someone is trying to tell you something wonderful.” Over and over, that message echoed in her head. Tony wants to try new things. He must really want to know what I want or he wouldn’t have given me the book in the first place.
As Alice stirred a pot of spaghetti sauce, she made up her mind. She dashed upstairs and retrieved the book from under her bed. Before she could change her mind, she found the section she wanted and put the bookmark in it. Then she put the book
on Tony’s bed table and half-buried it under some magazines.
Without looking back, she scurried downstairs.
Tony had spent the day at work unable to concentrate. Why had he left that book for Alice? he wondered for the umpteenth time. But he knew why.
It had all started two weeks earlier in the steam room at his health club. He had just finished a particularly hard game of racquetball and was enjoying the heat and a few moments of relaxation.
As he sat, he tuned in to a conversation that two men across the room were having. It was so steamy that he couldn’t see them clearly, but he could hear every word.
“She really went down on you?” one man was saying.
“She not only sucked my cock but she seemed to enjoy it,” the second man said. “I’ve wanted her to do that for as long as I can remember. And that book was the start of it all.”
Tony was fascinated. He had always wanted Alice to touch him and put her mouth on his penis. He had never dared ask because he was sure that she would be shocked and repelled. A few times, she had touched him during their lovemaking, and each time he tried to tell her how wonderful her hands felt, but the words wouldn’t come out. He had hoped his exaggerated body language would show her what he wanted, but, unfortunately, his message had never gotten through to Alice and the touching was not often repeated.
“She really wasn’t turned off when you gave her the book?” the first man was saying.
“Not at all. She read it all but paid particular attention to the section I had bookmarked.” Tony could almost hear the man’s grin. “The rest is history. She’s going to mark a section for me next.”
“Nice Couples Do… ,” the second man said. “I wonder whether I could give a copy to Jeanmarie?”
Nice Couples Do Page 2
