by Kate Hewitt
“But maybe it was the way it was meant to be.” She smiled down at Lucy. “I’m not sure I’d change anything now, to be honest.”
“I certainly wouldn’t.”
Miriam glanced up again, both humbled and heartened by the look in his eyes. It had been an emotional time; she knew she shouldn’t read anything more into it than that, and yet…
She wanted to. She wanted to so much.
“Thank you,” she whispered, and with a smile and a nod, Dan left the room.
Her sisters came by an hour later, after church, and more importantly, after Miriam had had a shower, brushed her teeth and hair, and felt a little bit more like a normal person.
“She’s adorable,” Rachel gushed as she held her niece close. “Absolutely adorable. Look at her little chin!”
“I think she has Dad’s chin,” Anna said in wonder. “How completely weird. Dad’s chin on a little tiny girl baby.”
“I can’t believe Dan saw you up close and personal,” Esther said, and at least one sister choked on a shocked laugh. “How was that?”
“I was too busy to notice or frankly care,” Miriam returned tartly. She could feel herself blushing. “For heaven’s sake, Esther.”
“Well, you’ve got to admit it’s a bit weird,” Esther persisted. “Considering…”
“Esther.” Miriam stared daggers at her sisters, proper sharp ones, but Esther, naturally, ignored her look. Rachel looked up from Lucy.
“Considering what?”
Esther shrugged, and Miriam bit her lip. She was furious with her sister, and for once she thought Esther actually regretted her typical bluntness.
“No, come on. Tell me.” Rachel’s speculative gaze darted between the two of them. “You were talking about Dan and how he, you know…”
“Saw Miriam’s lady parts,” Esther supplied, and Miriam gritted her teeth. Really?
“Okay,” Rachel said slowly. “But what does that have to do with…?” She trailed off, and Miriam saw the realisation dawn in her eyes. Stupid Esther. Stupid sisters. Stupid her, for being so stupidly transparent about her feelings, especially now.
“Anna, do you want a cuddle?” she asked a bit desperately, nodding towards Lucy, and Anna gave her a look of sympathy as she took the baby from Rachel.
“Wait a minute,” Rachel said. “Esther, are you saying that Miriam…” She lowered her voice. “Has feelings for Dan?”
The silence that stretched on after her question was worse and more revealing than anything anyone could have said. Anna busied herself with Lucy while Esther inspected her nails and Miriam squirmed. She’d just had a baby, for heaven’s sake. She really didn’t need this now.
“Miriam, is it true?” Rachel asked. Miriam couldn’t tell anything from her tone.
“Dan is a good friend,” she said quietly, praying he couldn’t hear a syllable of this conversation from downstairs. “That’s all.”
“Okay.” Rachel absorbed that, along with the heightened tension so clearly felt in the room. “But do you…care about him? In that way?”
“Surely that’s Miriam’s business,” Esther broke in.
“You’re the one who brought it up!”
“I know, but I shouldn’t have.” Esther looked surprisingly contrite.
“So you do, then!” Rachel looked a weird mix of triumphant and shell-shocked. “I can’t believe it.”
“Rachel, we’re really just friends,” Miriam said urgently. “I admit, with my pregnancy hormones running riot, I might have developed a little crush, but that’s all it is. Trust me on that one.”
“I don’t mind.” This was so unexpected that all three sisters turned to stare at Rachel. “Honestly, I don’t.” Rachel looked surprised herself. “I thought I would, you know, back when you moved into his annexe, but I really don’t. I want him to be happy. I want you to be happy. And if you’re happy together…”
“We’re really just friends,” Miriam said, feeling once more as if she were shouting into the wind. “Honestly.”
“What about Rory?” Anna asked quietly as she jiggled Lucy. “Where does he fit into this?”
“I don’t know.” With a wince of guilt, Miriam realised she hadn’t even texted Rory yet to let him know his daughter had been born.
“It all sounds rather complicated,” Esther said. “But it’s not anything you need to worry about now.” She gave Miriam an encouraging smile, and Miriam thought she must really have felt guilty for landing her in it with the comment about Dan. Still, it had all turned out for the best—sort of. Rachel had no objection to her and Dan as a couple, not that there was any chance of that happening.
It just felt like there was, especially when she was living in his house and he was changing Lucy’s nappies. It almost felt as if they were a married couple, and it made Miriam yearn.
Her sisters left a short while later, and Dan, as solicitous as ever, brought up a lunch tray with soup, bread, and a much-needed cup of tea.
“Shall I take her while you eat?”
“Thanks.” Miriam smiled at him gratefully. “You’ve been amazing, Dan.”
“It’s no trouble.” He took Lucy from her, cradling her with a relaxed ease. “Eat up.”
“I suppose I should move back to the annexe,” Miriam said slowly. She didn’t want to, but she felt it had to be said.
“There’s no rush,” Dan answered, surprising her. “I wouldn’t want you to have to cope on your own too soon, and I have the space. You have a Moses basket, don’t you?”
“Yes…”
“I can bring that over, if you like.” He paused, and Miriam thought she detected a slightly rosy tint to his cheek. “I’d feel more comfortable knowing you were looked after for at least one more night.”
“Okay,” she said, feeling relief break over her in a wave. She really didn’t want to go yet, and it seemed that Dan didn’t want her to, either.
A little while later, her mum stopped by, in a flurry of hugs and exclamations, while Miriam assured her she was fine, and the delivery had been a piece of cake, which was easy to say now that it was over.
“Oh darling, I’m so sorry I missed it.” Ruth pressed a kiss to little Lucy’s forehead. “Isn’t it just the way, to have a snowstorm and me away? God must have had some plan in mind.”
“Yes, I think He did,” Miriam answered. She was thinking of Dan, and how the experience of giving birth had knit them together in a way nothing else could. Was that part of God’s plan? Or just wishful thinking, putting a positive spin on the way things had turned out?
“And this little one…” Ruth continued. “I could eat her up. I can’t get enough of her.” She turned to Miriam with a smile. “I was thinking, I could come and stay at yours. I don’t mind sleeping on the sofa. And then I’ll be near, for whenever you need me. I don’t like to think of you managing alone, not this soon.”
“Oh…” Too late Miriam realised she sounded a bit unenthused. Her mum’s smile faltered.
“That is, if you want me to…”
“Oh, Mum, of course I want you to.” Miriam summoned a smile. “That would be lovely. But I just spoke to Dan about staying here for the night, since I’m all settled, and it seemed easiest. Would it be okay if you came over tomorrow?”
A funny look came over her mother’s face, and Miriam realised she had not made that sound as casual as she’d hoped. But the truth was, she didn’t want to give up her evening playing happy families with Dan. Even if it was just an evening, nothing but a fairy tale. It was still hers, and she was looking forward to it.
“All right,” Ruth said after a second’s pause. “Of course, darling, if that’s what you want.”
Miriam smiled weakly, knowing she didn’t have any real excuse to insist on staying, and thankfully the conversation moved on, with them both trying to decide whose family features Lucy had.
Her mother stayed for the afternoon, leaving in the early evening and promising to come back the next morning, to help settle Miriam and L
ucy back in the annexe. Miriam suppressed the pang of guilt she felt for putting her mother off. And it might come to nothing, anyway; Dan might say he had to work, and Miriam would spend the evening alone, tucked up in bed.
But thankfully, wonderfully, it didn’t work out that way at all. Dan made them both dinner, and Miriam ventured downstairs to the kitchen so they could eat together at the table while Lucy slept in her Moses basket.
“Fancy something on Netflix?” Dan asked once they’d finished. “Or are you too knackered?”
She was knackered, but she definitely did want to spend more time with him, just as they used to.
“I’m not too bad,” Miriam said brightly. “Let’s watch something.”
They settled on opposite sides of the sofa in their usual places, with Lucy in her basket between them. Dan flicked through the various offerings before they both agreed on a high-concept action thriller, one of their favourite genres.
“Not too violent for you, considering?”
“Not at all,” Miriam assured him. She loved all the thrills, car chases, and explosions. Part way through the film, Lucy started to fuss, and with a questioning look at Miriam, Dan took the baby out of her basket and cuddled her close.
Miriam watched, her heart overflowing with both happiness and longing, as Lucy settled and stared up at Dan with wide, navy eyes.
“She seems so alert,” he whispered. “What do you think is going on in her head?”
“I have no idea,” Miriam answered with a little laugh. “Deep thoughts, clearly.”
“She really is beautiful, Miriam.” He turned to glance at her, his face suffused with both wonder and affection, and it was all Miriam could do to stop herself from blurting out, I love you.
Yes, right now she felt as if she loved him, but she was jacked up on pregnancy and birth hormones, he was being ridiculously sweet, and he’d delivered her baby and probably saved her life. Of course she thought she loved him.
Her feelings might fade…and his weren’t there at all.
Dan kept Lucy in the crook of his elbow as they resumed watching the film, although Miriam could no longer keep track of the plot. All she was thinking was how much she wanted this to be real. How happy she’d be, how perfectly content and thankful, if a night like this was the reality for the rest of her life.
Then her phone, left on the coffee table, buzzed with an incoming text, and since Dan was closest he reached for it with his free hand. Miriam watched as a slight frown marred his forehead before he handed her the phone without a word.
Miriam glanced down at the screen, her heart catapulting into her throat at the sight of a text from Rory. So I saw on Instagram I’m a dad?
“I should have texted him,” Miriam murmured, because she knew Dan had seen the text. “I kept meaning to today…”
“How did he find out?”
“Instagram again. Stupid social media.” She swiped her phone and quickly thumbed a text. Sorry, Rory. It was all a bit crazy—I didn’t even make it to the hospital.
She put the phone down, hoping to resume watching the movie, but Dan kept it on pause. “Do you want to ring him now?”
“Umm…”
“I think you should, Miriam. He’s Lucy’s father.” As if to emphasise the point, he handed Lucy back to her. Miriam clutched her daughter to her as she felt the lovely evening slip away. It was only eight o’clock, but it already felt too late. They couldn’t recapture what they’d had.
Then her phone started buzzing again, as insistent as an insect, and Miriam saw it was a Skype request from Rory.
“You should get that,” Dan said meaningfully.
Miriam bit her lip, hating how it had all gone wrong. Then, feeling both resolute and reluctant, she picked up her phone and swiped. A second later Rory’s image appeared on the screen. He was wearing a suit, the tie a little loose, which startled her. His life had really changed.
“Hey, Rory.”
Dan quietly left the room, and Miriam tried to smile.
“Where is she?” Rory asked, sounding excited. “I mean, you’re okay, aren’t you? You didn’t make it to the hospital, you said?”
“No, there was a snowstorm, so I had the baby at home.”
“Wow. But you’re okay? She’s okay?”
The worry on his face tugged at her heart, but only a little. “Yes, we’re both fine. Here.” She angled the phone down so Rory could see Lucy. “Meet Lucy.”
“Oh my…wow.” His voice was little more than a breath. “She’s tiny.”
“Seven pounds five ounces.”
“I can’t believe it. My daughter.”
Yes, Miriam thought, but also no. She knew it wasn’t a fair thought and so she said nothing, just let him look his fill.
“Can you come to London?” Rory asked. “With Lucy? So I can meet her properly?”
“Rory, I gave birth yesterday. Last night, actually. I’m not going anywhere for a little while.”
“Right. Of course. Sorry. I just meant…I want to see you, and meet Lucy.”
“I know.” Miriam glanced down at their daughter. “But could you come here? It would be a lot easier.”
“I could try,” Rory said, sounding dubious, “but it’s such a long way and I can’t take any time off work for the first three months.”
“Right.” So it was up to her, then. “Maybe in a couple of weeks?”
“Sure.” He sounded disappointed, and Miriam felt guilty. But she couldn’t take a newborn all the way to London, right after giving birth? Could she?
“Can I see her again?” Rory asked, and Miriam angled the phone down once more.
“She’s beautiful, Miriam. Really beautiful.”
“Yes, she is.” As they both gazed down at their baby, Miriam wished she could feel half the love and longing she’d felt when Dan had said the same thing.
Chapter Twenty-One
Over the next few weeks, Miriam was incredibly grateful for her mother’s presence and sage advice, as she adjusted to life with a very cute and very demanding baby.
Ruth offered indispensable wisdom about everything from how to change a nappy—it was harder than Miriam had realised—to getting Lucy to latch on properly, to the more embarrassing questions about when she would stop looking like she was six months pregnant and was breastfeeding meant to hurt this much?
Even more importantly, Ruth was always up for a cuddle with Lucy so Miriam could stagger up to bed and sleep like the dead for a couple of much-needed hours.
Two weeks after Lucy was born, Miriam brought her to church. It felt, in a strange and wonderful way, like bringing her home. She’d already Skyped with her father several times, so he could have virtual cuddles, but now it was time for Lucy to meet her church family.
Miriam barely held her daughter for the length of the service and the coffee hour afterwards; Lucy was passed around from one honorary auntie or uncle, grandad or granny, to the next, with everyone needing a cuddle.
“The vicarage baby,” Abigail said with satisfaction, and Miriam laughed.
“There might be more vicarage babies soon,” she reminded her. Esther was now past her first trimester and telling everyone her happy news, and Miriam suspected Anna and Simon wouldn’t be too far behind with their own news, even though they’d only been married for six weeks. Anna had already confided that they both wanted a large family, and she would be thirty next year.
“You know Lucy doesn’t actually live in the vicarage,” Miriam felt compelled to say to Dorothy Tamworth. “So technically, she’s not actually a vicarage baby.”
“She is,” Dorothy protested. “You were born in the vicarage, after all.” Miriam decided not to attempt to fault this logic.
“Anyway,” Dorothy said, “there can be more than one vicarage baby. The more the better, as far as I’m concerned.”
At the end of the two weeks, Ruth moved back to the vicarage; she would be flying back to China in a few days and Miriam knew she would miss her terribly. She also k
new she had to figure out this new life of hers.
The hardest thing about it all was the telling absence of Dan; with her mother in residence they hadn’t had their suppers together or evenings in front of the telly, and Miriam was afraid they wouldn’t get them back. When she did see Dan, he was all smiles, happy to give Lucy a cuddle, but Miriam sensed a distance, and she was pretty sure Rory had caused it.
She’d Skyped Rory several times in the last two weeks, giving him updates about Lucy, and showing how she’d grown. He kept asking when she’d be able to visit, and guiltily Miriam kept putting him off. It was a struggle to brush her teeth some days; she could not imagine making it all the way to London.
The night before Ruth was due to fly out, everyone gathered at the vicarage for a farewell dinner. It had been hard enough saying goodbye to Roger a month ago, but Miriam knew all her sisters would feel adrift without the comforting anchor of their mum.
“I’ll be back in the summer,” Ruth promised them all. “For Esther’s baby! Won’t that be exciting.” She gave her oldest daughter an affectionate smile. “And of course we’ll Skype…”
But everyone knew it wasn’t the same. Still, they all put a brave face on it, for Ruth’s sake, and the dinner was as boisterous and good-natured as any Holley family event.
When they were alone in the kitchen for a moment, clearing up, Ruth laid a hand on Miriam’s arm. “I finally found this,” she said quietly, a catch in her voice, and slowly Miriam took the worn and faded photograph her mum was holding out.
“I can’t believe I’ve never seen this,” she said as she gazed at the image of her brother and her. Jamie was lying on his back in the family room, his skinny legs stuck in the air with Miriam, a chubby toddler, balanced on the soles of his feet, a huge grin on her face, her arms stretched out so she could clasp hands with him.
“It was just one of those random snaps,” Ruth said with a smile. “We never framed it or anything like that.”
Miriam had seen the framed photos of Jamie, of course—the school photos and the posed family shots. She knew he had the same dark hair they all did, and hazel eyes like her dad. He had a tuft of hair that stuck up in the back that her mother had reminisced about always trying to flatten. He had gap teeth and freckles on his nose. But she’d never seen a picture like this, of the two of them, simply enjoying a moment together.
