by Kate Hewitt
“Let’s stay here,” she said. “Lucy’s fallen asleep now. I think she’ll be fine.”
Miriam kept Lucy in the crook of her elbow as she ate with one hand; the tikka masala was delicious and not too spicy, and Rory entertained with some stories of his travels. They’d been to many of the same spots, and compared notes on hostels, jobs, and tourist attractions, sending a wave of happy nostalgia through her.
“Do you miss travelling?” Rory asked as he broke a piece of naan bread in two and gave her half.
“Yes and no. I’m glad I did it, and that sense of adventure and possibility was wonderful.” Miriam glanced down at Lucy with a smile. “But I’m in the right place now.”
“A whole new adventure,” Rory said with a crooked smile.
By the time they left the restaurant, Miriam was feeling relaxed and even hopeful. She was starting to get to know Rory, and she liked him. Of course it wasn’t remotely enough to build a lasting relationship on, but at least it was something.
“I probably should get back to where I’m staying, in Paddington,” she said as they loitered on the pavement, a stream of colourful humanity blurring by. It was nine o’clock and the nightlife in Camden Town was just starting to get going. “Did you have any thoughts about what we could do tomorrow?”
Rory looked startled for a moment, as if he hadn’t expected they would spend the day together. But surely he hadn’t thought she’d come all this way just for dinner? Miriam kept her expectant smile in place, telling herself not to overreact or jump to conclusions.
“I don’t know. What do babies like to do?”
“Sleep. Eat. Poo. I don’t think Lucy minds what we do, as long as she’s comfortable. Perhaps we could go for a walk?”
“Yeah, okay.” He nodded. “We could walk around Camden Lock…have a look in the market?”
“Okay. Sounds good.” She hesitated, unsure how to end the evening. Were they up to hugging yet?
“Thanks for coming all this way, Miriam. I’m sorry I’m not getting it right.”
“Rory, it’s okay. Like I said, we’re both learning.” She leaned in for a quick, one-armed hug. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Let me get you a cab.”
“I can take the Tube—”
“No, no. Please.” She watched as he flagged down a black cab and then gave the driver twenty pounds for the fare. Miriam settled back in the cab with Lucy in a car seat next to her, determined to hold on to her optimism. Tomorrow was going to be good.
By the time she got back to Helen’s, her mother’s friend’s flat in Paddington, it was half past nine.
“You must be shattered,” Helen said. “Let me take this darling. I’ve made hot cocoa.”
“You’re amazing,” Miriam said gratefully. It wasn’t until she was sitting in a squashy armchair with a cup of cocoa while Helen cooed to Lucy that she realised how stressful she’d found the evening, a minefield of awkward pauses and fits and starts of conversation. Rory still hadn’t even held Lucy.
“Plans tomorrow?”
“Just walking around, I think.” Miriam wondered how much her mum had told Helen of her situation. “Thank you for having me.”
“It’s a delight. I wish I’d been able to see more of Ruth over the years, but Cumbria is so far away, and your parents always seemed so busy with family and parish life.”
“How did you know her, anyway?”
“We went to uni together, in Birmingham. Flatmates for our second and third years.” Helen made a face. “Then I dropped out in spring to have a baby. Slight change of plans in life, but that happens.”
“Yes, it does,” Miriam murmured. She had a feeling she knew why her mum had suggested she stay with Helen.
“But you wouldn’t change them for the world, would you?” Helen said as she kissed Lucy’s forehead. “My Zoe is a GP now, with three kids of her own.”
“Wow.” Miriam felt a jolt of shock, imagining Lucy as an adult. It was hard to imagine her even as a toddler.
“Anyway, I know it’s all a blur of sleep deprivation and dirty nappies, but it does go by quickly. It doesn’t feel like it at the time, but looking back…” Helen gave a nostalgic sigh. “It really did.”
Miriam could relate to the sleep deprivation that night, when Lucy woke up no less than six times, unable to settle. By the time morning rolled around, Miriam was feeling decidedly ratty. Still, she didn’t want to call off her day with Rory, and so, armed with a cup of coffee from the Starbucks around the corner, she rang Rory’s bell at ten in the morning, just as they’d agreed. Lucy was fed and alert in a sling. She gazed around in bright-eyed wonder.
No one answered the bell. Miriam counted to twenty and then rang again. Still nothing. Had Rory forgotten? Had he gone out?
Then, finally, a garbled voice came through the intercom and she was buzzed through. When she got to Rory’s flat on the second floor, he was standing in the doorway in a T-shirt and joggers, sporting a serious case of bedhead.
“Did I wake you up?” Miriam asked, trying not to sound censorious.
“Sorry…late night.” He gave her an abashed smile.
“Late night?” Miriam repeated, and now she knew she sounded censorious.
“Yeah, I went out after you left…just a few drinks.”
Just a few? Miriam had a feeling that was an understatement, and she pressed her lips together, not wanting to say anything she’d regret. Rory was a twenty-four-year-old single guy in the city. She could understand him wanting to go out, and yet she was still both annoyed and hurt. She was here for one weekend. And what about Lucy?
“We can wait for you to get ready,” Miriam said, and Rory nodded slowly.
“Yeah…sure. Sorry…I’m still waking up.”
Miriam perched on the hard sofa and took Lucy out of the sling as she waited for Rory to get dressed. The flat smelled stale, like old beer and sweaty socks, the definitive bachelor’s pad. Miriam tried not to wonder what on earth she was doing here, but with every passing minute, it became harder to do so.
Ten minutes later, Rory came out of his bedroom dressed in jeans and a hoodie, looking a bit brighter if still rather bleary-eyed.
“Right. Camden Lock.”
“I thought we could walk to Regent’s Park after,” Miriam said hesitantly. “Perhaps see the zoo…?”
“The zoo.” For a second Rory looked blank. “Okay, sure.”
Things got a bit better once they were outside, and Rory had bought a coffee. It was a beautiful day, cold and clear, but with the sunshine warm on Miriam’s face. They walked to Camden Lock, the sun sparkling on the water and gilding the canal boats in gold. Miriam enjoyed checking out the funky craft and clothing shops, the tattoo parlours and health food stalls.
At first they didn’t talk much; Miriam suspected Rory was too hungover for much scintillating conversation. Towards midday, he started to perk up, and they joked about what tattoo they would get if they had to get one, and which statement T-shirt they thought the wittiest.
They ate lunch at a little café overlooking the canal; the only awkward moment was when Miriam had to feed Lucy, and Rory’s eyebrows rose nearly to his hairline as she put a blanket over her shoulder and started to breastfeed Lucy as discreetly as she could.
“You’re…you’re going to do that here?” he asked, trying to sound casual and failing.
“I’m not sure where else I’d do it,” Miriam said, looking around. “And if I can’t breastfeed in public in a place like Camden Town, I’m not sure where I can.”
“I know, it’s just…” Rory raked a hand through his hair. “Sorry, I’m just not used to it.”
“I wasn’t either, until about a month ago.”
Rory nodded slowly, still looking embarrassed as he studiously avoided looking at her below the neck.
Things returned to a more even keel when they walked towards Regent’s Park, and then strolled through the zoo. Lucy was too young, of course, to enjoy looking at the animals, but Miriam
liked to imagine taking her there again one day, hand in hand, exclaiming over the lions and the lemurs, the meerkats and the penguins.
Miriam fed Lucy again at a café in the park, and Rory seemed a bit more relaxed about the concept then. After she’d burped her and draped over one shoulder, Miriam asked hesitantly, “Would you like to hold her?”
“What?” Rory looked startled.
“Hold her,” Miriam repeated. “You haven’t held her yet, Rory.” She tried not to sound accusing. “Would you like to hold your daughter?”
“Um, okay.” He didn’t look particularly enthused, but Miriam told herself that was to be expected, since he was so obviously nervous.
“Support her head with your hand,” she instructed as she put Lucy into his arms. “And cradle her body close to your chest.”
He held her away from his body, as if she were on fire, making Miriam smile. “You can hold her closer,” she told him gently. “Give her a cuddle.”
“Oh yeah, right.” Rory let out a little laugh and brought Lucy in to his body. He gazed down at her, her blue eyes bright and wide as she stared up at him. Miriam felt her throat catch as she watched them together, man and child, father and daughter.
“Wow,” he said softly, and her heart and hopes both swelled. She’d needed this moment, this validation that coming here was the right and a good thing to do. Looking at them now, she knew it was.
“I’ll take a photo,” she said, reaching for her phone and quickly swiping to snap one. “You’re a natural.”
Rory was quiet on the way back to his flat, and Miriam suspected he was still affected by holding Lucy. He seemed pensive rather than just hungover or moody, and she held on to that like a promise—of what, she didn’t know, but something. Something good.
“Do you want to get a takeaway?” Rory asked. “And eat it back at my place?”
“Sure.”
His flat had not improved on reacquaintance, but Miriam turned a blind eye to the dirty dishes in the sink, the dirty socks on the floor. Rory ordered pizza and they ate it sitting on opposite sides of the sofa, with Lucy having some tummy time on a blanket on the floor between them.
“So, I’m leaving tomorrow,” Miriam said uncertainly when it was heading towards eight o’clock and she figured she needed to get back to Helen’s. She was exhausted, and so was Lucy. “But this has been a good visit, I think…”
Rory nodded slowly, not looking at her. Miriam waited for him to say something, anything, about how she should visit again, which she knew she was more than willing to do, but he didn’t. He just kept nodding and not looking at her, and that was when she realised something was wrong.
“Rory…?”
“I’m sorry, Miriam.” He turned to look at her, and now he seemed resolute, as if he’d come to some decision. “I’m sorry, truly sorry, but I’ve realised today that…I can’t do this.”
She stared at him for a second, trying to figure out what he meant. “You can’t do this,” she repeated slowly. “What is ‘this,’ exactly?”
“This.” He gestured to her, and then to Lucy. “I can’t be a dad.”
“You are a dad, Rory.”
“I know, and I’ll pay the child maintenance, and you know, keep in touch…” He trailed off, looking away again. “I just can’t be that guy, you know? I’m only twenty-four.”
“I know. I’m only twenty-three.” Her voice vibrated with an anger that surprised her in its strength. After all this, he was going to skive off? And here she’d thought they’d had a nice day.
“I wouldn’t be a good dad to Lucy,” Rory said stubbornly. “I wouldn’t be a good role model. I can’t handle the responsibility right now, with everything else going in my life.”
“You could step up,” Miriam argued. “Even though it’s hard. Especially because it’s hard.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“It sort of is,” Miriam shot back, but then she wondered why she was arguing. Was her heart broken by Rory’s admission? No. If anything, she felt a treacherous relief, mixed in with the disbelief and hurt at the way he was bailing on her, and more importantly, on Lucy.
“I’m just not ready for that kind of life yet,” Rory said. “To settle down…the sleepless nights…”
“Tell me about it,” Miriam said tiredly. She’d had a sleepless night, but Rory had gone out to the pub and had a few too many. What on earth was he complaining about?
“This is coming out all wrong,” he said with a groan of frustration, as he scrubbed his hands through his hair. “I’m sounding like a right pillock, I know, and I probably am one. I don’t mean to jump dump you in it, but it’s clear you love Lucy and you have support and family and a home back in Cumbria…”
“Yes, I know.” Miriam took a deep breath, willing her unruly emotions to simmer down. She wasn’t being fair to Rory. He had a life here in London, and even the idea of having a baby was still new to him. She couldn’t expect him to get on board instantly.
“Look, I get this is new,” she said carefully. “And we’re still getting to know each other. It’s very early days…” But Rory was already shaking his head.
“It’s not that, Miriam. I wish it was.” Somehow she thought he didn’t. “It’s just…I can’t be tied down like this. I’ve got a demanding job, opportunities…and with you in Cumbria and me here in London…”
“So what exactly are you saying?” Miriam asked shakily. “This is goodbye? You never want to see Lucy again?”
“I can’t say that, exactly…” Rory looked uncomfortable. “I’ll pay the child maintenance…”
“I’m not worried about money,” Miriam said. “What about a relationship? What about when Lucy’s toddler, a little girl, a teen? Are you going to want to have a relationship with her then?”
Rory looked away. “I…I don’t know.”
Miriam shook her head, any anger she’d felt leaving her in a great swooping rush, replaced by a far worse sorrow. This was all so sad, a truly broken situation, and one she’d never have wanted to bring a child into—a father who didn’t want to be involved, who was backing away, palms up in the air, hangdog expression in place.
“What am I supposed to tell her?” she asked, her voice thick. “When she asks?”
“Tell her it was my fault, my weakness. And I’m not saying this is forever, Miriam. Things could change. We can keep in touch…I mean, maybe I could visit when she’s a bit older…”
Miriam shook her head slowly. “Do you know, I actually thought you were starting to care about her. When you held her…”
“That’s when I realised,” Rory said heavily. “It’s such a huge responsibility, Miriam, and it’s one I don’t want to mess up.”
“So you won’t even try,” she said sadly. “I understand it, in a way, but she’s a person, Rory. She needs a dad.”
“She’s got about four stand-ins back in Thornthwaite,” Rory returned. “All your brothers-in-law, your dad… She won’t be lacking for family, Miriam. She doesn’t need me.”
“Is that why you’re saying all this?”
“No, not really. It’s just…it’s my fault. I know that. But I can’t deal with this now. I really can’t.”
Right. That seemed to be the end to the conversation, to the whole having an open mind idea he’d suggested several weeks ago. Everything was over.
“Then this is goodbye,” Miriam said quietly, and Rory nodded. Wordlessly she rose from the sofa and began to gather her things.
“Please don’t be angry,” he said. “I really am sorry.”
And relieved, Miriam could tell. He was officially off the hook. “I’m not angry,” she said. She was too sad for that. “Better now than later, I suppose.” She scooped Lucy up and pressed her to her chest. “Do you want to hold her one last time?” she asked and Rory shook his head.
“I don’t think so.”
Miriam nodded jerkily. “I’ll send you the photo I took, if you want it.” He shrugged. “Goodbye, then,” sh
e said, her voice thick, and she walked to the door, clutching Lucy, hardly able to believe that this chapter of her life, which had seemed poised to begin just a few hours ago, was already over.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“What a tosser.”
Esther shook her head in scathing disbelief as Anna and Rachel both looked on with wide-eyed sympathy. Miriam managed a smile as she finished her cup of tea in the vicarage kitchen.
“Better now than later,” she said as philosophically as she could. She’d arrived back in Thornthwaite last night, and of course all her sisters had wanted a debrief of the weekend in London as soon as possible. None of them had been prepared for the sorry tale of woe Miriam had had to tell them.
“But aren’t you a bit relieved?” Esther asked after a moment, in a typical blunt Esther-like way. “I mean, a little? Because you weren’t that into him, Miriam, no matter that you had his kid.”
“Cheers,” Miriam said sardonically.
“Sorry, but you know what I mean.”
“Yes, of course I do. And no, I wasn’t, but I was willing to give it a chance. I went to London thinking that, anyway. But I suppose it is a relief, in a way, although it makes me sad, for Lucy’s sake.”
“She’s got plenty of family already,” Rachel said staunchly.
“I know.” Miriam smiled at them all, filled with love for her family. They were right; she didn’t need Rory. But she still felt saddened by the brokenness of it all.
“But like you said,” Esther resumed, “if he was going to do a runner, better now, when Lucy won’t even remember him, than later, when she would be hurt.”
“She’ll still be hurt,” Miriam said quietly. “How could she not be? It’s a broken situation. I’ve accepted that.”
“And moved on,” Rachel encouraged. “Lucy’s wonderful, and she’s got loads of people to love her.”
But no dad. Miriam hadn’t seen Dan since she’d returned, although she’d looked out for him. She was going into the surgery this afternoon, and she was half-dreading it, in case the lovely Lara turned up again.
