“I want you to know that you can talk to me,” I say. “Anytime you want. I’m here.”
Caleb shakes her head. “I don’t want to talk, Box.”
“Then, what do you need?”
She finally looks up and I see that darkness overwhelming the green in her eyes. “I need you to leave me alone.”
“I can’t do that,” I say, digging my heels into the sand. “We need to stick together. Now more than ever. I don’t know who this Paxton guy is, but I don’t think he is who he says he is—”
“No.”
“No, what?”
“The team is gone, Boxcar,” she says, her voice a dead tone. “You’re free to go home. I’m not your bodyguard anymore. Let’s just be thankful we made it this far at all and move on.”
“Caleb…” I sigh. “You don’t want that.”
“It doesn’t really matter what I want.”
“It matters to me,” I whisper. “I’d like to think that what I want matters to you, too.”
Her eyes drop again. “No.”
“You’re lying.”
“What difference does it make?” she snaps. “We go home and what happens?”
“We look out for each other.”
“I don’t need anyone to look out for me.”
I grit my teeth. “Don’t shut me out, Caleb.”
“You were never in, Boxcar,” she says. “Excuse me.”
“Caleb—”
She steps around me, but I don’t have the patience to chase her down again.
Goddammit, Caleb.
I’m not sure why I’m so surprised. Caleb’s personal bubble is fortified with titanium, but I thought maybe we’d grown past that. Apparently not. I’m still just Boxcar, the boy who follows her around like a lovesick puppy and that’s what I always will be even after everything we’ve been through.
Maybe there’s a silver lining to all of this. I’m finally going home. No more drifting for scraps of food or places to sleep. I’ve got an all-expenses-paid flight back to American soil. Back to Tennessee where I belong. Not that there’s much waiting for me when I get there except for my parents but they decided a long time ago that they didn’t want me around.
And Caleb? She’ll go back to Oklahoma. Her mother will probably be happy to see her — happy that she came home alive, unlike her father. They’ll reminisce and catch-up. Maybe she’ll ask Caleb if there were any cute guys deployed with her. Caleb will surely roll her eyes and dismiss it but, if I’m lucky, she’ll think of me.
Sure. I guess we’ll call that a silver lining.
Chapter 21
Caleb
“Caleb.”
I don’t look away from the black desert ahead of me as Fox leans beside me on the crate.
“Fox,” I greet.
“This is a good thing, you know that, right?” he says.
“Feels pretty crappy.”
“It will for a while,” he says. “Then, you’ll get over it and life will return to normal.”
Normal. I’ve been out here for so long, I’m not even sure what that means anymore.
“And what about you?” I ask.
“I’ll be fine.”
“I don’t like these new people, Fox. I think Boxcar is right. They can’t be trusted.”
He grins. “Well, that’s progress.”
“What’s progress?”
“You trusting Box.”
I scoff. “Even a broken clock is right twice a day.”
“Just…” he lays a hand on my shoulder, “do me a favor, all right?”
“What?”
“Don’t go home. Go somewhere you’ve never been before. Do something you’d never thought you’d do.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s good for you.” He chuckles. “And later, when I get back, drinks are on me and you can tell me all about it. Also… cut Boxcar some slack. He did the right thing tonight.”
I cringe, remembering that gun to his head. “You should have stopped him,” I say.
Fox sighs. “It was his moment. No matter how much you want to deny it — he earned it. No offense but it takes a pretty strong patience to get to know you and that little bastard’s built from steel.”
I laugh, shaking my head. “I guess that’s not wildly inaccurate.”
“Don’t give up on something that could be great because you’re scared of how it’ll end up,” he continues. “Live in the moment every so often. It might surprise you.”
I exhale until my lungs are empty. “All right,” I say. “I’ll try.”
“And don’t waste your time worrying about me,” he adds. “I’m coming home, too. It’ll just take longer to get there.”
“Promise?”
He opens his arms to me. I step closer to return his hug.
“I promise.”
* * *
I’ve never been able to sleep the night before a big change.
People tell you that’s when you need the most rest, but it’s never worked out that way for me. The night before basic training. The night before the first day of school. Even the night before a big family vacation is restless and wild. My mind just won’t quit churning out thoughts and images to the point where I give up completely and stare at the ceiling until dawn and hope for the best.
Tonight is no exception. Tomorrow morning, I’m going home. It’s a big change. Life is one way today, but it’ll be something else tomorrow. The only difference now is that the man sleeping in the cot across from mine risked his life to save mine a few hours ago. I may never get the chance to thank him for it. I may never even have the courage to do it.
My heart hasn’t stopped pounding since he kissed me. I believe him completely when he says he’d save me again but I’m not sure if I should be thankful or angry. Maybe both.
Live in the moment, Fox told me. I could think about this for hours, repeating and dissecting every single syllable I’d mutter at Boxcar in response to his actions but none of it will be as real or satisfying as doing what I really want to do right now.
I sit up and glance around the tent. It’s been silent for hours, lumps of sleeping bodies completely still in the dark as a light sandstorm rattles the tent around us. My eyes fall on Fox for a moment and I give a quick smile to the best friendship I’ve ever had in my life before looking forward at Boxcar.
I tiptoe over to his cot. The pitch blackness makes it hard to navigate but my senses hone in on his silent breath.
He instantly stirs as I sit down beside him, flashing open his eyes with a quick boost of adrenaline.
“Shh,” I tell him, laying my finger across his mouth.
Boxcar says nothing but I don’t need him to. I pull his blanket down and slowly ease my way inside of it to lie beside him, constantly glancing around for sleepless eyes. Luckily, no one moves as I replace the blanket over us. I see Boxcar’s eyes in the darkness, full of confusion and excitement. He waits, holding back as if it’s all just a cruel trick.
I slide my finger over his mouth. His lips purse against my fingertips before I lean forward and kiss him as quietly as possible.
Boxcar’s hand rises to my face. His trembling fingers burrow into the hair behind my head. I feel his heart pounding like mine, scared of getting caught but not willing to stop either. He embraces me and his hardness grows against my thigh. My senses burst for him, but I can’t let myself give in completely. Not here. Not without suffering the consequences.
But I know I’ll never sleep unless I feel him one last time.
Our lips dance. Silent but wild. His tongue passes over my lips and I quiver at his taste. I touch down his body and he inhales a sharp breath as my hand slides into his pants. He rests his forehead against mine while I stroke him, fighting every urge he has to vocalize his pleasure and expose the moment to the world.
Boxcar eases me onto my back. His hands travel south, gliding over my breasts and navel. I gasp as his hand touches my panties and he lays his other hand against my cheek to
remind me to keep quiet. Even in the dark, I can sense that playfulness in him and he takes great pleasure in teasing me.
He crushes his lips against mine as he caresses my clit. I dig my nails into his skin, but it does nothing to dissuade him. My throat tightens, wanting so badly to moan. I hold it closed, even as his mouth falls to my neck and teases the sensitive skin beneath my ear. My resolve sways as pleasure builds with each quick rub he gives me.
Just when I think I’ll burst, Boxcar slides his hand out and grips my pants with both hands. He pauses, fighting the urge to take me, and silently asks me with his fearless eyes.
My mind tells me to say no. Stop this before it goes too far. But my body won’t abide that. I kiss him softly, fighting to breathe in the hot, desert heat, and reach down to slide his pants down below his ass. He kisses me back with open eyes and they scan the quiet barracks as we push my pants to my ankles.
I open my knees to him. Boxcar settles between them, moving so slowly it drives me crazy. He pins me to his cot. I feel his hard girth sliding between my folds. I bite my lip as he exhales against my neck, fighting his passion while thrusting inside of me. My mouth opens, silently begging to be fucked the way his eyes tell me he wants to fuck me.
The cot creaks beneath us. We freeze with our lips gently caressing. I look around, begging for just one more moment of this bliss.
Thankfully, no one stirs. Boxcar’s lips curl against mine and he kisses me to keep me quiet as he tests the waters, sliding his hard cock out only to pump me once. My heart thumps wildly. I clench my closed jaw. I hold him against me while his slow, steady thrusts drive both of us insane.
Harder, faster. I want so much more of him, but I can’t have it. Pleasure aches in my sex, slowly building inside. I keep still, fighting the urge to meet every buck of his hips. He shifts into a grind along my pelvis and my clit throbs, surging waves of sweet thrills throughout my body.
A squeak escapes my throat. Boxcar lays his hand over my mouth, but he doesn’t stop. He stares into my eyes while his cock owns me from head to toe. His finger slips between my lips. I taste his skin, biting softly against his knuckle instead of moaning. Boxcar takes the pain with a smile and lays more soft kisses on me while masterfully grinding his hips.
Climax takes hold of me and a soft chuckle teases him. His hand presses harder against my mouth. He wraps his other arm around me and stops thrusting as fire shoots through me. My entire body screams in ecstasy. I know I’d barely be able to control myself if it weren’t for Boxcar holding me together.
Finally, the wave falls. I lay my hand on his, sliding it slowly away from my mouth to signal my control. He kisses me again, firm and true.
Then, his hips move, and I sigh softly, feeling his stiff grind inside of me again. He buries his face in my shoulder, focusing on his own pleasures. I let him take me as he wants. Still silent, still slow, but just as passionate as ever. He swells inside of me and I wince at the threat of his teeth etching a line in my skin as his body goes tense with orgasm.
Boxcar pulls out of me and his tip splashes along my navel, warm and wet. He balances above me on quivering arms with playful eyes, returning each of my kisses as we both hold back the laughter in our throats.
We lie together until my pulse returns to normal and my toes don’t feel as numb. Boxcar calmly pulls the shirt off his back and blindly wipes his semen off my belly. I smile a thank you and he smirks as he tosses the dirty shirt to the floor. I feel in the dark for my pants and slip them back on while Boxcar pulls his up.
He reaches out before I stand and draws me in for one last kiss full of passion and warmth. I let it happen, feeling just as much ache for him as he does for me.
My skin grows cold the second his touch leaves me. Not even the desert heat keeps me from shivering as I lie back down on my own cot and pull the blanket over me. I look out across the tent, sensing Boxcar’s deep green eyes on me in the dark. Happiness grows inside of me. The kind I’ve never felt before in my life. I think for a moment, wondering if anything in the world can bring this down.
Then, I look around again at the empty cots of my unit and I remember where I am.
Chapter 22
Caleb
Just yesterday, I had my team’s blood on my hands and today, I’m going home.
I always thought I’d feel differently about it. I thought I’d feel happier, but something feels out of place, like a puzzle piece that just won’t fit right until you realize you’ve got it in backward.
I look straight ahead at Boxcar’s cot. He’s still there, sleeping quietly. His dirty shirt still sits in a clump on the floor. My lips twitch along with the rest of me at the memory of last night.
Fox’s cot is empty. Just as empty as Rogers’ and West’s. Usually, it only takes a hiccup to wake me, but I must have slept through him tying off his boots.
I throw on some fresh clothes and step outside into the desert sun. It’s somehow harsher than usual and each breath feels less satisfying than the last. I scan the camp for Fox’s face but he’s nowhere to be seen.
“Fawn!”
Paxton waves me toward the command tent and I slip inside. The men he brought with him sit around the tent, each one of them staring me down as I scan their hard faces.
“Yes, sir?”
“Chopper leaves in an hour,” he barks, chewing on the end of a pencil. “You and Carson better be on it.”
I nod. “Absolutely, sir. We will be.”
“Good.”
He waves me off and bends down to sift through a stack of paperwork on the corner desk.
I linger for a moment more. “Sir, I’d like to speak with Fox before I go. Do you know where he is?”
“Who?”
“Fitzpatrick, sir.”
Paxton pauses and stands up taller. “Oh, him,” he says, sliding the pencil out from between his teeth. “Fitzpatrick was transferred out this morning.”
“Where?” I ask, my skin crawling with confusion.
He hesitates, furrowing his brow so a shadow casts over his eyes. “Doesn’t matter anymore,” he mutters. “Damn plane went down. He’s gone.”
My heart sinks. His tone is so cold, so impersonal like he just lost a pawn on a chessboard.
“Excuse me?” I ask.
He glances up and his eyes glide over me. “I said Fitzpatrick is gone,” he repeats with annoyance. “Shot down. No survivors.”
My senses cease. I can’t feel anything. No desert heat. No sounds. No scents. Just the blinding, white lights of rage filling my vision.
“That’s not possible,” I finally say, refusing to believe it.
I just saw him. He was here last night. I spoke to him. He can’t be gone.
Paxton laughs and my hands roll into fists. “No, honey,” he spits, “that’s reality. Now get out of here. I don’t have time to hold your hand after every broken nail.”
I lunge forward. The others shout as I wrap my fingers around Paxton’s throat. His eyes grow wide with surprise and every bit of amusement drains from them as I squeeze.
“Fawn! Let go!”
They tug at me, but I hold on tighter as my heart breaks into small pieces.
Fox. The only friend I have in the world and this fucker tells me like this?
They finally yank me off. I raise my hands, surrendering to the strength of three men. They pull me away from him and Paxton’s fucking grin returns to his face.
“You’re lucky you’re out of here today, Fawn.” He smirks. “If you weren’t, I’d have to make quite the example out of you.”
His eyes slide down my body and it’s easy to read the meaning dripping off his words.
I jerk my arms free from their grasp and spin away from him to leave the tent. A small crowd gathered behind us and I push through them, driven to distance myself as far away from this moment as possible.
“Caleb?”
I pause near the barracks, completely blanking on how I got here in the first place.
Boxcar reac
hes out for me and he studies my face, cupping it softly to hold it up. “Whoa—” He looks over my shoulder at the dispersing crowd across the camp. “What’s going on?”
I try to look him in the eyes, but everything feels so heavy. Tears push through my throat, breaking through every attempt I make to hold them down.
“Fox…” I whisper.
Boxcar pulls me out of the sun and guides me back into the barracks. “Caleb, what happened?” he asks. He stops us and holds my face again. “Look at me.”
His face blurs. My gaze wanders over his shoulder, landing directly on Fox’s empty cot.
“Fox is gone…” I say it so softly even I can barely hear it. “His plane went down, and…”
Boxcar pulls me closer, tightening his embrace around me without a care for what it might mean to others.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, his words stiff but powerful. “It’s going to be okay, Caleb.”
I shake my head, rejecting the very thought. “He…” My voice fails and I choke as tears fall from my eyes.
My knees give under me and Boxcar holds me tighter to guide me down to the floor. I cry into his chest and he repeats his words softly in my ear.
“It’s going to be okay, Caleb.”
Maybe someday I’ll believe that.
Chapter 23
Boxcar
Now
If pissing off Caleb Fawn were an Olympic event, I’d take home gold every single time.
Naturally, when it came time to do it on purpose, things went exactly as planned. So much so, in fact, that I can barely even hide the victory smile attacking my lips.
I look down at Caleb in my arms. She stares straight ahead out the windshield, watching as we ride closer and closer to Fox and Dani’s house. I nudge her chin to bring her face up to mine. Bright streetlights pass by the windows, illuminating her already stunning face with orange light. There’s a quiet anger behind her eyes, obviously, but I flash her my token, cocky smile. A hidden smirk made just for her.
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