CHAPTER XX.
"But when every leaf is dropped and the plant stands stripped to the uttermost, a new life is even then working in the buds, from which shall spring a tenderer foliage and a brighter wealth of flowers. So, often, in celestial gardening, every leaf of earthly joy must drop before a new and divine bloom visits the soul."--_Harriet Beecher Stowe._
Saturday no letter came. All the forenoon Grace tried to do her duty bysaying her denials and affirmations while Kate was out giving lessons,but she seemed so stupid and felt so cross that in despair she resortedto her painting, but only succeeded in spoiling the picture she hadspent hours and days upon before. When Kate came in at the usual hour,feeling so gay and light-hearted that she scarcely knew how to containherself, she was astonished to hear Grace say:
"Oh, I am glad you have come at last! Such a day as I have spent!Thought I'd have so much extra time while you were gone to give Millie'slesson, and here I've wasted the whole afternoon and spoiled my'shipwreck' besides, and I'm in a villainous humor. Now, I'm going topour it all out on your innocent head." She smiled grimly, as she tossedher painting apron aside and spitefully turned the picture to the wall.
"What in the world ails you, Grace?" cried the astonished Kate. "Haveyou lost your senses? I was congratulating myself coming home on thegood time we would have again to-night."
"I anticipated it so vividly this morning I could hardly wait, butreally, Kate, I feel ugly, and perhaps it would be as well not to talkto me. I will go out for a little walk, while you get the tea," and shewent forthwith.
A tumult raged within her that she had not conquered. One moment filledwith the most exhilarating sense of freedom and joy, the next the direstdisgust with herself and her failings; one moment clearly understandingthe many problems that had come up for solution the past week, and thenext with no ability to reason about anything. This had been going onall day. She had even felt unreasonably irritable because Kate had soquickly overcome her prejudices. What right had she to give away her ownfor some one else's opinions so easily?
Grace gave her glove an impatient twitch as she thought of it, but thenext instant she wished she, too, might be as childlike and receptive asher companion.
To Kate the Bible was final, unquestioned authority; to Grace it was acorroboration, not a foundation. It was more interesting, she mustconfess, than ever before, but then she must have better reasons thanhad yet appeared for taking it as Kate did.
After all, perhaps this religion was but another mirage that had comeinto her moral vision, as many another had come in all the years she hadbeen seeking truth and happiness. Happiness! Had she forgotten that fortwo years that word had been dropped from her vocabulary? That she hadresolved to live on the best intellectual food the world could offer,without tasting its heart viands? She walked on with an unwontedenergy. No, she would not be deceived; the best and sweetest in life wasnot for her, but she ought at least, to help poor little Kate.
It was a calm, quiet evening. The sun was just disappearing over thedistant hills. The sky was radiant with delicate pink and blue tints.She was walking toward the east, when, glancing at the scene in front ofher, she saw what seemed to be a brilliant fire, not only in one placebut in many. Somewhat startled, she looked more closely and discoveredevery window ablaze with the sun's reflected glory. Like a flash itcame: "I am walking away from the glory of Truth. Oh! how shall I turnmy face to God?" she cried, with unspeakable yearning.
An agony of suspense seized her. She looked up at the calm, beautifulsky, and its rays of radiance seemed to send down upon her a benedictionof peace. Like a soft whisper the words, "Lo, I am with you always,"fell upon her ear. Blessed words that filled her with a new-born awe,but they brought a realizing sense of ever-present nearness of Truth,such as she had never had before, and she was so filled with peace thatall the world looked like a new world. The turbulent waves of doubt andunrest had been divinely stilled.
She walked on, so filled with her new thoughts that the twilightdeepened into starlight before she thought of home, and then it seemedthat every star beam was an angel of love sent to guide her on her way.She entered quietly as Kate was playing one of Beethoven's symphonies,and never had music seemed so sweet. It was like a welcome into heaven.It was the heaven within her that made a heaven without.
To Kate had come such a realization of divine harmony, that her soulpoured itself out in music she had never dreamed of before. All thestruggles and pains of the past years, all the disappointments andunhappiness found expression through the wailing tones of the piano onlyto be swept away or swelled into sweeter and more joyous strains. Moreand more clearly a conception of joy and peace unspeakable filled herheart. She wandered again, a happy child, in country pastures gatheringviolets and buttercups. She could scent the clover and hear the birds.The water rippled over the pebbles and the air was filled with leafmusic. Now, again a child, she "walked in green pastures and beside thestill waters." The sun of love was shining down upon her, and its rayswarmed her, clothed her, fed her. "Surely goodness and mercy shallfollow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of theLord forever," she sang softly in an awed, hushed voice, as the musicgrew more divinely sweet, and the realization of a nameless Presencefilled her. It was the presence of impersonal, omnipresent Truth, everflowing into the heart ready for its reception, and though at first itmay be but a tiny stream, it grows to a swelling tide, and all the wordsin the universe can not name its sweet influence, or describe itswondrous allness.
Oh, Katie darling, what wouldst thou have put away from thy life, ifthou hadst obstinately refused admittance to this heavenly Guest?... Atlast the music ceased. She bowed her head and gave herself up to theinexpressible thoughts that welled into her mind. For some moments shewas not aware that Grace was in the room, but as she finally arose andturned around, she saw her. Their eyes met, and silently was told thestory of experiences too sacred to utter. A silent understanding and aheartfelt sympathy bound them by closer ties than they had ever knownbefore. To be at one with Truth is to understand humanity, andunderstanding is a voiceless language.
Sunday afternoon they called on Mr. Hayden and found the fourth letterawaiting them.
"I did not send it up because Kate promised you would come over to-day,and now let us have a little experience meeting," he said, as he foundchairs for them, and seated himself, seemingly awaiting a reply.
"First let us read the letter," suggested Grace, who was more interestedthan ever since her yesterday's experience.
"Read it aloud," said Mr. Hayden, settling himself back to enjoy it.
Grace had scarcely begun reading when Jamie came in, screaming that hisfinger was "boke."
"Never mind, Jamie, it will soon be all right. Shall papa treat it?"taking the child in his lap.
"Teat it, papa," and he laid his little head on papa's breast withperfect confidence that the pain would soon be gone. A few moments ofsilence and he looked up innocently, saying with the brightest smile:
"It's all gone now. Papa telled the good Jamie to tome home," heexplained to the girls, "and here he is, papa," he added, holding up hissweet mouth for a kiss.
"How beautiful is a child's faith," exclaimed Kate, after the littlefellow had gone out to play again.
"Indeed I have learned more than I can tell you from the children," saidMr. Hayden, thoughtfully. "Mabel is old enough to understand a gooddeal, but Fred and Jamie are very quick to apply what they learn. Lastnight Jamie complained of the stomach ache. Neither of the children knewthat I was near, but I overheard Fred telling his brother that he wouldtreat him if he would keep still. Jamie consented and I peeped in amoment later, curious to know what they were doing. Fred sat there graveas an owl, with his hands over his eyes, and Jamie in a chair opposite,his eyes shut tightly and an air of expectancy on his face."
"Now you're all right," said Fred, very positively, after a few minutes.They were soon playing and not once did the child complain after that.Whe
n going to bed, Jamie told me about it, and I asked Fred what he didwhen he treated.
"W'y," he answered, "w'y, I just 'membered what you said to Mabel thateverybody has two kinds o' thoughts, and one kind _thinks_ you're sick,and the other kind _knows_ you're well, so I thinked about Jamie till Ithinked the _know_ thoughts, and _course_ he got well then."
"It was a lesson to me, and I have tried to emulate their receptivenessand childlike trust. I don't know how well I am succeeding, but it ispretty hard sometimes to get the problems all worked out."
"We wouldn't have to work them out if we had the faith of a child," saidKate, warmly. These little incidents touched her deeply.
"Well, there is nothing better to learn from than living examples, andyet we can only take them as guides, they will not do our work for us.Every one of us must go through his own experience, and prove his rightto an inheritance, by claiming it on trust as the child does. Now,yesterday," continued Mr. Hayden, leaning back and stroking his chin, "Iworked hard all the forenoon, and everything seemed to go wrong withme,"--Grace glanced at Kate--"I was not willing to live a moment at atime, as the child does, with no thought or care as to where its nextday's supplies are to come from, but I was tired and cross all day. Theconsequence was, in the afternoon my old enemy, the headache, began toassert itself. Then I got Marion's letter and that helped me, because itthrew some light on the cause, but when I heard Fred's explanation of atreatment I just applied it. I 'thinked,' till the 'know thoughtscame,'" Mr. Hayden concluded with a grave smile.
"I believe that is what it means to 'work out our own salvation,'" saidGrace, "and how beautiful to have the children learn! It will makedifferent men and women of them."
"Indeed it will; I have already seen some change in the children. Butare you not going to read the letter, Miss Grace?" asked Mr. Hayden.
"Yes, I am anxious to read it, but I have learned a great deal withoutit."
She took it up again and read without interruption to the end.
"Well, that _is_ quite an explanation of your experience of yesterday,Mr. Hayden," explained Kate smilingly.
"And mine, too," added Grace. "It is comforting to know that there is ascientific reason for it though."
"I think my darkness came earlier in the lessons, for yesterday andto-day have been very bright to me," replied Kate, soberly; "but," shecontinued, "there is so much about this to admire and so much to provethat the system is founded on Christ's teachings, I can not see wheredoubt could enter."
"We might not doubt the principle where we would often doubt ourselves,"suggested Mr. Hayden.
"Yes," said Grace, "I believe that doubts will come as long as weconsider it a personal power."
"Which it is not, of course," interrupted Kate.
"Certainly not, but we must grow into a realization of Truth, we can notchange our old natures in a day, and it is only natural at first to feelthat it is a personal power because we are given so much personalresponsibility."
"I see what you mean," said Mr. Hayden, quietly, leaning back as ifthinking deeply. "You mean it is hard to forget self, and I agree withyou. This mind of the flesh claims so much wisdom and power of its ownthat it is hard to attribute everything to a higher power, and let thatpower work through you; but when we can do that, we have the kernel ofthe whole system."
"It is a wonderful thought to me, that we reflect _all_ thingsspiritual, as we divest ourselves of our false beliefs," remarked Grace,earnestly.
"In other words, when we know ourselves as we are, and not as we appear,we shall recognize that all things we desire are already ours," addedMr. Hayden.
"How could it be otherwise? The sun is always shining behind the darkestclouds. All I ask is that the ignorance may be removed," replied Grace.
"Well, I want to understand and believe truth, but it seems strange,after we have declared our willingness to believe and acknowledge God tobe all, that we should be tempted. Why couldn't our acknowledgement besufficient?" queried Kate, in perplexity again.
"Why isn't the simple act of joining the church sufficient to makeChristians? Although some seem to think it all sufficient, it is not. Itis the daily life of overcoming, and denial of self that constitutestrue acknowledgement," said Grace, laying her hand upon that of herfriend.
"Not denial of self in the old way, either," said Mr. Hayden, "butdenial of the mortal thought, or as Paul would say, the 'carnal mind.'"
"Yes, and in the temptation of Jesus, we read our own temptations,"interrupted Grace, "and it is all important that we should deal withthem as he did. Over and over he met the opposing thought, representedby the tempter or opposer--error always opposing truth--and gave iteither a plain denial or an emphatic command to get out."
"That is very plain and very true," said Kate, with a little sigh, "butstill I can not see why God should allow us to be tempted after we havefought the battle once as Jesus did."
"But he fought it more than once," explained Mr. Hayden, earnestly. "Hewas continually overcoming, and at times found it necessary to withdrawinto the mountains where he fasted and prayed."
"That is a good thought to carry home," suggested Grace, rising, "for weneed to follow his example."
"I need it more than anyone else," said Kate, feeling a lack ofspiritual understanding, and wishing she could get on faster.
"You are doing grandly Miss Kate, just think how you opposed it all atfirst," said Mr. Hayden encouragingly.
"Yes, I know I did," flushing a little, "but even thus far I have seenenough, or rather experienced enough to make me anxious to understandit, and I only ask so many questions because I am determined to getevery speck of light I can."
"If everybody would lay aside prejudice as you have, Miss Kate, theywould have no difficulty in seeing the truth as you do," he replied.
The tears came into her eyes. Neither Mr. Hayden nor Grace knew how muchit had cost her to 'lay aside prejudice,' but she could thank God thatshe had done so, and indeed believed it was Providence that had led herinto this study in spite of herself.
"I want the truth," she said simply, and turned away to join Grace, whostood at the open door waiting for her.
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