by Billy Taylor
Zac didn’t want to talk about her family, which I completely understood, so we spoke about our friends since Ted had been with me every other time Zac and I met. So we sat at the bar and ordered a chocolate milk shake each.
“I live with my best friend, Natalie. She was using her spare room in her apartment as, like, storage and stuff and had some of her clothes in there. But she cleared it out and I moved in. I spent most nights at hers anyway, either on the sofa or shared the bed with her. The spare room isn’t huge, but it’s fine for sleeping in and stuff; the rest of the time I sit in the living room. My parents kicked me out nearly two months ago, so that’s why I don’t want to talk about my family.”
“So are you at university or college as well as working at the cinema? And I understand. You don’t really know me either so don’t reveal too much to me.”
She sniggered. “No, I’m taking a year off to figure out what I want to do. I don’t even know what I would study.”
“I understand. It’s a lot of money to go to university, too.”
“Exactly.”
“So how old are you? If you don’t mind me asking.”
“Why, are you slowly trying to find out more about me so you can find my address?”
“No, I’m just trying to find your bank details. I’ve had your address for hours now.”
She sniggered and then took a sip from her milk shake. “I turned twenty last month. What about you?”
“I’m twenty, too. I turn twenty-one in a few months.”
“You have quite a baby face. So I thought you might be a few years older than me, and you can’t grow facial hair, or you might be younger and just haven’t started yet. But it turns out you’re neither.”
So we sat there and talked. I told her about working with Ted at Ron’s Ice Cream. And I told her if she ever wanted a tour, I would happily show her around the factory where the ice cream is made. And it seemed before we’d started to get to know each other, it was already 11:00 p.m.
I offered to drive her home as she normally gets the bus, but I wasn’t going to allow her to sit outside in the cold and wait for it. She told me she didn’t have work tomorrow so she didn’t mind.
I was really was lucky that I met her. She normally works Monday to Thursday from 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 to 4:30 p.m. Somebody was away on holiday so she had taken on some extra shifts. And she rarely does that.
We stayed for another twenty minutes before we strolled to my car. “You’re cool, Will Evans,” she said as we slumped into our seats.
“Thanks, you’re cool, too, Zachary Williams the third.” She smirked at me calling her that, and she looked out of the window.
I watched her for a second. And then she looked back at me. And our eyes met. And then she leant over and kissed me. Then she went all shy afterward and returned to her seating position, twiddling her thumbs.
“So, where are we going? Like what is your address?”
“We could…we could…go back to your place if you like?” she said, her eyes quickly meeting mine before they looked back down.
“You want to come back to my place?”
“Yes, if that is ok.”
“Ok… My place it is,” I said, starting the ignition.
January 23rd
Zac was still asleep when I woke up. At least I think she was. I couldn’t see her face as it was covered by her hair. I had to hold my breath to prevent myself from laughing. It was a cute look.
It was only 7:30 a.m., so I had two hours before I needed to be at work. I thought about staying in bed and lying with Zac until she woke up, you know, like they do in the films and then they smile at one another and say good morning and stuff. But since all I had to stare at until then was a wall of hair, which at any second could have made me laugh, a lot, I decided to have a shower. I thought I would wait for Zac to wake up to have breakfast, then we could eat together.
When I returned from having my shower, she was no longer in the bed. And for a brief moment I thought she’d left, and I didn’t know whether to panic or feel upset. But then I saw her phone on charge next to the bed, so she must still be in the apartment.
I quickly dried myself and put on my suit. I figured she was maybe trying to make herself some breakfast. But she was sat cross-legged on my sofa when I came out of my bedroom, watching TV, sipping a glass of water.
“Hey, good morning.”
“Morning,” she said, turning with her tight-lipped smile. “I’m watching SpongeBob.” She’d tied her hair up, but there was a tiny bit that she’d missed at the back that stood alone, all curly.
“I can see that.” I said, sitting next to her. “Are you ok?”
“I am. Are you?”
“I am.”
“Good.”
“Would you like some breakfast?”
“No, thank you.”
“Ok. Would you like a hot drink? Tea, coffee?”
“Tea sounds nice.”
“How would you like it?”
“Just with milk, please.”
“Ok,” I said. “Ok,” I said again, and got up to make tea. I put on the kettle and grabbed some mugs from the shelf. And then Ted emerged from his bedroom.
I didn’t know what to tell him about Zac, I didn’t know if he’d already seen her this morning or not. And I didn’t want to say anything that would make her feel uncomfortable or make her frustrated with me. He took two steps and then stopped, with a look of sheer delight exploding onto his face. His eyes bulged as he turned to me. And then he just grinned and nodded, not once or twice, he nodded like a bobblehead for a good ten to fifteen seconds. Zac was sat with her back slightly to him so she hadn’t noticed his emergence. Then he said, “Good morning, Will. And good morning, unexpected guest on the sofa. Zac, is that you?”
Ted walked over to his sofa and sat on it. I said good morning before returning back to the kettle to pretend like I was busy making tea.
“Hey, Ted,” Zac replied.
“I didn’t realise we would be having your company this morning; it is such a pleasant surprise. Did you and Will enjoy your evening?”
I thought maybe I should intervene so I said, “Yes, we did. The film was great. I think you would have really liked it. Then we went and had a milk shake at a burger place not far from the cinema. And then we came back here for another drink. And then I slept on the sofa and Zac slept in my bed.”
Ted placed his arm on the back of the sofa and swung himself around. “Oh, Will. ’Twas a noble effort, William, but I came into this room at 3:00 a.m. for a bottle of water and you were nowhere to be seen. This means both of you can only have been in one place.” A small smirk appeared on Zac’s face as her eyes met mine. I decided to shut up and stick to making the tea. “Anyway,” Ted continued. “’Twas nice chatting, but I must flee. I’m going to walk to work now and on the way I shall pick myself up some breakfast. Then I have an enormous amount of nothing to do at the office, but since I’m awfully generous I’m going to let you have the car so you can drive her home.”
“That is very kind of you, sir. I wish you all the best on your incredible quest,” I said as I walked over and sat next to Zac, placing our mugs on the table.
Ted stood without another word being said. But he walked around to the back of my sofa and stuck his head between us. “Before I go… Was Zac the best sexual intercourse out of all the other ladies you’ve had the privilege of having sexual intercourse with?”
I didn’t stall, I didn’t blink, I didn’t breathe. I replied right away and said, “Yes.”
He then turned to Zac. “Same question for you, lady Zac.”
But I pushed his head away. “Ok, leave now, please.” He laughed and swiftly left Zac and I alone in our apartment. “I’m sorry, he’s very immature and doesn’t have much consideration,” I said to her.
“That’s ok,” she replied. I watched her as she went to pick up her mug. She was about to take a sip before she noticed me and then said, “What?”
; “Nothing.” I said. “You’re incredibly beautiful, and I had a great time last night.”
We drank our tea and then I drove Zac home. She was quiet in the car as I drove her home. Her apartment is about twenty minutes away from mine, so I’d make it to work with plenty of time to spare. But she sat there, all shy. I was expecting her to poke her head out of her shell at least once or twice. But no, she sat there peacefully, with her new blue beanie on.
“Thank you for driving me home. I had a nice time. And thanks for my beanie,” she said as we pulled up outside her apartment. She wasn’t making eye contact with me. And she was about to say good-bye and open the car door.
And before the opportunity slipped away I said, “I’d really like to see you again.”
She turned and looked at me and didn’t say a word.
“Would you like to see me again?” I asked, sensing that maybe she didn’t, which was quite upsetting.
“I—” she began. “I’m not good at relationships or titles. They scare me now. I don’t want anything serious. I don’t want another relationship or feelings.”
I listened to what she was saying and acknowledged it. After a second of taking it in I replied, “Well, we don’t have to give it a title, and it doesn’t have to be anything serious.”
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say?” she replied.
I pondered as I tried to figure out what I wanted to say next without sounding rude. “We could just do the final part of last night sometimes?” I soon noticed that my pondering had indeed had no improvement and I almost felt like stepping out of my own car and walking away.
“Will Evans, are you implying that we become fuck buddies?” Zac had now appeared from her shell and I felt like saying, “Ah, there’s the tortoise!” But then I realised she was nothing like a tortoise appearing from its shell. Zac was more like a dormant volcano. One minute it’s a nice calm mountain, and the next minute it’s erupting. I feel like that’s a fairer comparison.
“That’s a little bit explicit,” I said with a small squeak in my voice. “But I suppose that is one way of putting it.”
Zac’s smug smile grew. “I see. Maybe I’ll text you, Will.”
“Ok. I look forward to you maybe texting me, Zachary Williams the third.”
“I’m going to regret telling you that if I maybe text you,” she said, holding up her hand in front of me.
“Why are you holding your hand up?” I asked cautiously staring at it.
“I’m waiting for you to give me a high five,” she replied. I smiled and high-fived her. After she started to lean in, her beautiful blue eyes trapping me in a trance, I started to lean in too, but before I could kiss her, her flowers brushed in front of our faces.
“I was grabbing my flowers,” she said, her smug smile reappearing. “Did you think I was going to kiss you?”
“You’re mean,” I said. Her smug smile changed into a very large tight-lipped smile as she shrugged her shoulders. “Right. I have to go to work now. I’m not lucky enough to have Fridays off like you.”
“Enjoy your day at work,” she said as she opened the door and exited the car.
“Thanks, I’ll try.” And then she closed the car door and walked up to her apartment block. I hoped she would turn around and wave, but she didn’t. I made sure she got inside ok and then began my journey to work.
I arrived at the office fifteen minutes late because I got stuck behind an impassable tractor for seventy-five percent of the way there.
Ted was waiting for me in reception as I arrived. “You’re late,” he said, jumping up from the sofa.
“I got stuck behind a tractor.”
“Was it a nice tractor?”
“It was an ordinary tractor. Nothing special.”
“What colour was it?”
“It was red. Why does that matter?”
“I’m making conversation as we walk upstairs, Will. And you know I love a good tractor.”
“It was an ordinary red tractor. A very slow ordinary red tractor.”
“Thank you for clarifying.” Ted quickened his pace up the last part of the second flight of stairs and opened the door for me. I thanked him and walked through it to see everyone calmly sat at their desks. But they were all wearing party hats, and there were four or five banners up that said “Congratulations!” on them.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“We’ve all been sent an email so go check your computer,” Ted answered.
I frowned. “Why can’t you tell me?”
“Because the email is funnier,” Ted answered again.
The room was so silent. Suspiciously silent. Everyone was focusing on their screens. The only sound you could hear was from the fans in the computer hard drives. I wanted to say hello as I would normally do, but maybe the email would explain why everyone was acting so weird?
“Is it for your dad, Ted?”
“Just read the email, Will.”
I frowned as I walked into our office, and on my desk were two or three balloons, all saying “Congratulations!” I then realised what was going on. I stepped out of my office to see Ted sniggering at me with a party hat on like everyone else, and everyone else’s faces in the offices turning red from holding back their laughter.
“You’re such an arse hole,” I said to Ted.
He brought his hands from behind his back and put a party blower into his mouth and blew it. “Congratulations on getting laid, Will!”
And then everyone else in the office stuck a party blower in their mouth and blew on theirs, creating a deafening sound of horn-like noises. And then they all started clapping.
Once they’d stopped, I didn’t know whether to punch Ted or laugh or lock myself in my office. Ted then passed me an envelope. “We all signed it for you.”
I took the envelope from him in disbelief. “Thanks, everyone,” I muttered. I opened the envelope to see another “congratulations” in big bold letters with an exclamation mark. The card felt thicker than it should have done, and for a second, I thought they’d all put some money in it. But instead I found four condoms.
“Those are from Jeremy,” Ted said.
“You’re welcome,” Jeremy shouted. The card said:
To Will,
Congratulations on bringing a female home.
Love from everyone x
And then everyone in the office had signed it. Even Ted’s dad had signed it. It was such a nice confidence-boosting gift.
“You’re such a dick,” I said to Ted as he closed our office door.
“Do you have any idea how difficult it was to carry everything to the office by myself? Only Ellie was in reception so I had to set everything up myself.”
“I feel really sorry for you,” I replied.
“Can you not see the funny side to this, please? I thought this would be the funniest thing. I invested a lot of my time and money into this idea.”
I sighed and decided to humour him. “Thank you, Ted. For making me feel so special about my evening with Zac, and for taking so much time out of your schedule to do this for me. It means so much to me.”
He smiled and nodded. “Thank you. You’re welcome, Will. Could you maybe send me that in an email, too?”
“No, I’m not sending it to you in an email.”
“Fair enough. That’s understandable.”
I thought that was it. It was over. I stuck my earphones in to distract myself from thinking about throwing an item from my desk at Ted. But after I’d read the long list of useless emails in my inbox, lunch was soon approaching. Ted went to the bathroom as I logged off my computer and put on my suit jacket. And as I stepped out Ted was standing in the same spot as he was before when he blew the party blower. But this time, he was holding a cake, with a lit candle in the middle of it.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I said.
“Just blow out the candle so we can all go for lunch. You don’t appreciate anything I do for you,” he replied, moving
the cake forward.
“I swear if you push my face into it, I will launch you through our office window.” I stepped forward and closed my eyes and blew out the candle.
“Don’t tell me what you wished for,” Ted whispered, “otherwise it won’t come true.”
“Shut up. You can buy lunch since you’re in such a generous gift-giving mood.” Ted’s happiness dimmed, as he couldn’t think of an excuse or a comeback.
NEW MESSAGE FROM ZACHARY WILLIAMS III
Hi.
NEW MESSAGE FROM WILL EVANS
Hello. Is this you maybe texting me?
NEW MESSAGE FROM ZACHARY WILLIAMS III
Maybe.
NEW MESSAGE FROM ZACHARY WILLIAMS III
What are you doing later?
NEW MESSAGE FROM WILL EVANS
Nothing, yourself?
NEW MESSAGE FROM ZACHARY WILLIAMS III
Nothing.
NEW MESSAGE FROM ZACHARY WILLIAMS III
I could come over.
NEW MESSAGE FROM WILL EVANS
Could you now?
NEW MESSAGE FROM ZACHARY WILLIAMS III
Yes.
NEW MESSAGE FROM WILL EVANS
Your breasts are breathtaking (.)(.)
NEW MESSAGE FROM ZACHARY WILLIAMS III
What?
NEW MESSAGE FROM WILL EVANS
Sorry. I can pick you up after work if you like. I may need your help removing and burying the body of my dead best friend though.
NEW MESSAGE FROM ZACHARY WILLIAMS III
Haha. Text me when you’re on your way.
NEW MESSAGE FROM WILL EVANS
I shall. Sometimes we leave early on Fridays so I’ll probably be there between 4:30 and 5:00.
NEW MESSAGE FROM ZACHARY WILLIAMS III
Ok.
“Can you for one second, please, stop being an annoying idiot?” I said to Ted as I punched his shoulder as we waited for our fish and chips.
“Have you asked me if it’s ok for you to have a guest around this evening?” he replied.
