“Wonderful weather we’re having,” Dwayne announced in his outdoor voice, as he began to levitate with stress.
Nicolai and Dima quickly crossed the room and yanked Dwayne back to the floor. It wouldn’t do to have a Vampyre plastered to the ceiling during this bizarre get-together.
The Demons were otherworldly gorgeous—both dark-haired, built like brick shithouses and had eyes as golden as I’d ever seen. There was a slightly twisted menace in the air, but I wasn’t sure if it was the presence of the Demons or Granny’s ire. Ol’ Zeernebooch was playing with fire in messing with Granny. Poor Belphegor simply looked terrified.
“Sooooo,” Sadie trilled nervously as she pulled Granny a safe distance from Zeernebooch and shoved a platter of tiny finger sandwiches in front of him. “I hope you like turkey and brie. I refuse to serve puppies.”
Dwayne gasped and almost passed out at Sadie’s gaffe, but Zeernebooch laughed. “Gave up puppies centuries ago—too squirmy. Turkey shall be fine.”
“Well, that’s a goddang relief,” Junior said, grinning as he slapped the Demon on the back. “It’s against the law on Hung Island to eat puppies. I’d have hated to incarcerate you again so soon after your boy busted your sorry ass out of the pokey.”
Again, Dwayne almost fainted. You could dress us up, but you really shouldn’t take us anywhere.
“I’m Essie and this is Hank,” I cut in before anyone else could stick their foot in their mouth and yank it out of their ass. “Thank you for agreeing to raise the dead.”
That’s when Dwayne hit the floor like a sack of potatoes. Guess I shouldn’t have spoken either.
“Dwayne,” Belphegor squealed in alarm, sounding more like a woman than I did. “Darling lover, are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Granny bellowed wrapping her arms around Belphegor, trying to distract from the fact that Belphegor had kind of sort of outed himself to the room.
Zeernebooch rolled his eyes and snorted in disgust.
There was no doubt that Belphegor was as gay. If his voice didn’t give him away, his outfit surely did the trick. The Demon was wearing leather—pink leather. He was packed into bright pink, skintight leather from head to toe. Even his shit-kicker boots were pink leather. I wondered briefly if we wore the same size. I would rock those boots.
“Okay then,” Sadie announced, acting as if nothing was out of the ordinary. She stepped over Dwayne and began handing out diaper pins. “Everyone put one on. The rule is that if you say baby during the party, someone can steal your pin. At the end of the evening—as long as we’re all still alive—the person with the most diaper pins wins a prize!”
“A baby?” Zeernebooch inquired, looking at the pin in confusion.
“Of course not. We do not give away babies as prizes,” Sadie practically shouted, taking Zeernebooch’s pin back. “Do you eat babies?”
“I do not eat babies,” he answered, pressing his fingers to the bridge of his nose. “But thank you for asking.”
“You’re welcome,” Sadie said, cautiously handing the Demon back his diaper pin. “And we’ll also be playing Dirty Diapers! As you can see, the buffet is lined with dirty diapers. The object of the game is to lick the gooey poo in the crotch of the diaper and identify the flavor. Whoever gets it right will…”
“Puke?” I volunteered, trying not to gag. I made a mental note to never let Sadie throw me a baby shower.
“Oh dear God,” Sandy choked out and slapped her hand over her mouth.
“Jesus Hesus,” Dwayne said as he came to. “What’s happening here? We’re going to lick poo?”
“And you people are offended that I used to eat puppies?” Zeernebooch muttered under his breath.
“I am not licking poo,” Nicolai said firmly, eyeing the exit. “I draw the line at eating fecal matter. Is this how Werewolves have fun?”
“NO,” every Werewolf in the room except a horrified Sadie yelled.
“It’s not real poo,” Sadie screeched, throwing her hands in the air. “It’s melted chocolate with nuts and caramel. Do you really think I would poo in diapers and serve them at a party? I’m the hostess supreme on Hung Island. I would never serve poo.”
“Well, that’s a fucking relief,” Hank muttered and let out an audible sigh. “Mom, how about we skip the poo game?”
“Fine,” Sadie snapped. “We can play Tinkle in the Potty then.”
“Dare I ask what Tinkle in the Potty is?” Zeernebooch inquired, looking as alarmed as the rest of us felt.
“It’s fun!” Sadie insisted, realizing she was losing the crowd fast. “Pregnant women have to pee a lot. Right, Sandy?”
“Umm… I’m only a month pregnant,” Sandy said.
“Of course,” Sadie said with a warm smile. “Well, soon you’ll be peeing like a racehorse. Trust me on this.”
“Okay,” Sandy whispered, looking very uncomfortable.
“So I thought it would be fun for everyone to experience the living hell that all pregnant women have to go through. There are pickle jars lined up at the far end of the Great Room. I chose pickle jars because that is what pregnant women eat with ice cream. It’s required. We all need to grab a balloon and stuff it up our shirts.” She paused and glanced over at Belphegor’s skintight pink ensemble. “Belphegor, you can tape your balloon to yourself since your clothes are so tight I can see your religion.”
“Thank you,” Belphegor replied shyly.
Sadie nodded and went on. “We will all place a quarter between our knees, and then waddle-walk across the room and drop the quarter in the jar.”
“So it’s like a pay toilet?” Granny asked, perplexed with the instructions.
“No,” Sadie wailed. “The quarter represents the uncontrollable urine stream of a pregnant woman. When you successfully drop the quarter in the jar, it means you have peed.”
“Do you get extra points for not hitting the side of the jar when it goes in?” Junior asked.
“Why would you get extra points?” an exasperated Sadie barked.
“Cause it means you didn’t pee on the seat,” Junior replied.
“Seems logical to me,” Hank chimed in. “Unless you’re gonna put little seats on the jars that we have to lift first.”
Granny scrunched her nose and took the floor again. “I don’t lift the seat when I pee. Dwayne, on the other hand, does lift the dang seat. I don’t rightly know why he does that since he has no bodily functions anymore being that he’s dead and all. Well, wouldn’t you just know, I fell right into the commode the other night at two in the morning. Gave Dwayne a titty twister that he will never forget for that one.”
“She did,” Dwayne confirmed with a wince.
“Wait,” Zeernebooch growled, having what appeared to be a jealous fit. “You live with the Vampyre and are having relations with my son… who is also having relations with the Vampyre?”
“That’s disgusting, you pervert,” Granny shouted and whacked Zeernebooch in the back of the head so hard that the Demon flew halfway across the Great Room. “You will apologize to me right now, Weiner Hooch.”
“What did she just call me?” Zeernebooch demanded, getting to his feet and looking confused.
The gasps were loud and the fear was real. Messing with Demons was a huge no-no. Granny clearly didn’t get the memo.
“Weiner Hooch,” Belphegor said with wide and frightened eyes, stepping in front of Granny to protect her. “You will not lay a hand on my… umm… girlfriend. I will protect her with my life, pappy.”
“Aren’t you just a darlin’ little thing,” Granny said as she sweetly kissed Belphegor’s cheek. “Just step your pink, leather covered ass back. I’ve got this.”
“Bobbie Sue,” Dwayne warned.
“It’s fine, Dwayne,” Granny assured a concerned Dwayne as she began to stalk Zeernebooch like he was prey. “Piece of cake.”
“Did you seriously just call me Weiner Hooch?” Zeernebooch demanded as he began to back away from my unhinged Granny.
> The Demon obviously had a healthy sense of self-preservation.
“I did. Whatcha gonna do about it?” Granny asked as her eyes began to glow red and she levitated slightly off the floor.
Zeernebooch paused and squinted his eyes in surprise at Granny. “What exactly are you?”
“Your worst nightmare,” she snapped as her fangs dropped and everyone moved to take cover. “You are a homophobic jackhole. I don’t like homophobic jackholes. Your boy broke your sorry ass out of the pokey for God only knows what, and you treat him like scum because he listens to Barbra Streisand and likes sausages better than muffins?”
“Sweet Jesus Hesus. She did not just say sausage and muffins,” I choked out, trying not to laugh. The situation wasn’t exactly a laughing matter.
“You are completely insane,” Zeernebooch said with a wide grin.
“And you’re a shitty father,” she shot back, flipping the Demon off. “A father loves his son no matter how much pink he likes to wear or how hairless his privates might be.”
“Is this helping?” I whispered in a terrified voice to Hank.
“No clue, but it’s damned better than licking poo.”
“Word,” Junior agreed.
“It’s not poo,” Sadie whisper-hissed at her sons and slapped the back of their heads.
And that’s when Granny began to scissor kick Zeernebooch. As horrifying as the sight was, the Demon seemed to be enjoying himself immensely. However, as he dodged and ducked Granny’s assault, all the furniture and food in the room went flying—including the poo diapers.
“Looks like a monkey cage,” Dwayne gasped out, shielding Belphegor with his body.
Sandy squealed as she rolled away from a glob of chocolate poo. “What are you talking about?”
“You know,” Dwayne said as he too tried in vain to avoid being pooed. “Monkeys like to sling their feces.”
“You are terrible people,” Sadie snapped as a caramel peanut blob landed on her head. “I will never throw another baby shower again in this lifetime. The disrespect for my creativity is appalling.”
Inwardly, I thanked God for her decision. Outwardly, I said nothing because I for damn sure wasn’t stupid. However, something was going to have to give shortly. Granny was titty twisting Zeernebooch within an inch of his evil existence.
“STOP,” Belphegor shouted. “ENOUGH.”
Everyone froze, including Granny and Zeernebooch. Belphegor’s voice had dropped at least two octaves and magic vibrated from his large body. A black and red crystal mist now hung in the air and floated around menacingly. Dwayne sighed like a besotted middle school girl and fluttered his hands at the sight.
“I like dick, Dad,” Belphegor said.
“Jesus Hesus in a jock strap. I am so dang confused,” Junior said. “I thought you liked Dwayne.”
“Oh my God,” I choked out with a laugh. “For being really smart, you are so dumb.”
Everyone waited a beat for Junior to catch up. He chewed his bottom lip for a brief moment and then slapped himself in the head. “My bad. I get it. Carry on.”
Belphegor nodded to a clued-in Junior and took Dwayne’s hand in his. “Bobbie Sue is not my girlfriend. Dwayne is the man I have always loved. However, he refused to date me until I was totally out of the closet.”
“I think you’re out now,” I said, patting Belphegor on the back.
“I think I am,” he replied with a giggle that rivaled any teenage girl. “It feels great!”
“You think I don’t know that you’re gay?” Zeernebooch questioned, scratching his head, perplexed.
“You sent him to conversion therapy in Hell,” Dwayne snapped, getting all Vampy as his fangs dropped and his eyes went red.
Zeernebooch glanced over at Granny for a brief moment and laughed. “Impossible. A Vampyre Werewolf?”
“In the undead flesh, butthole,” she snapped, narrowing her blazing red eyes. “And I repeat… you are a shitty father.”
“I didn’t have the boy sent to conversion therapy,” Zeernebooch snarled as his own deadly magic rose to the surface. A gust of black glitter blew through the Great Room covering all the pink and blue decorations in the sparkly dust. “I don’t care if you like sheep, son. I don’t care for your outfit, but I don’t give a damn who you poke.”
“Then who had me sent to conversion therapy?” Belphegor demanded. “And a side note here—I don’t like sheep and I think I look wonderful in pink.”
“Who do you think?” his pappy shot back. “And another side note—I’m delighted to hear that you don’t like sheep but I still say pink is definitely not your color.”
There was a long pause. I realized I was holding my breath—as was the rest of the company. Belphegor paled and closed his golden eyes.
“Obizuth?” Belphegor whispered in horror.
“Whoa Nelly,” Sandy shouted, going as white as a sheet. “The female Demon who wanders the globe finding women in childbirth and strangling their children in front of them?”
“Yesssssss,” Zeernebooch hissed in disgust.
“What the heck?” Junior shouted. “A gay-hating baby killer Demon sent you to be cured of your gayness?”
Zeernebooch nodded curtly. His fury was more than obvious. Maybe he wasn’t homophobic.
“And how do you know this Obizuth atrocity?” I asked, getting up off the floor. This conversation was going to Hell quickly. Hiding under a table covered in caramel poo wasn’t going to accomplish anything.
The two Demons exchanged wary glances. “She’s my mother,” Belphegor admitted with a shudder.
That was certainly a conversation killer… for everyone except Granny.
“What the ever-lovin’ hell?” Granny bellowed. “You mean to tell me that you’ve been hitting on me for the last hour and you’re married? Unbelievable.”
“Wait. What?” I asked, incredibly confused. They’d been beating the crap out of each other for the last ten minutes.
“Ahhhh,” Zeernebooch said with a grin as he gamely shielded his titties from Granny’s wrath. “I wasn’t sure you’d noticed.”
“I am so danged confused right now,” Junior mumbled.
“Join the club,” Nicolai concurred. “And I thought Dragons were crazy…”
“I’m just telling you all right now, I’m gonna kick his ass,” Granny shouted, cracking her knuckles and doing a few jumping jacks.
“Bad idea,” I said, going to grab my granny only to be halted by my mom and dad who had finally stepped out from their hiding place.
“It’s okay,” my mom said with a smile pulling at her lips.
“Are you serious?” I asked.
“Totally,” my dad promised with a chuckle as he stepped between Granny and Zeernebooch.
“Do I know you?” Zeernebooch demanded of my father, looking alarmed. “I think I know you.”
My father shrugged and ignored the question. “Here are the ground rules. No excessive magic can be used. No death blows and no irreparable damage inflicted.”
“Quick question,” Granny said, raising her hand. “Do Demon limbs grow back like a Shifter?”
“They do,” my dad assured his mother-in-law.
Zeernebooch was still staring strangely at my father, but he gasped in shock when he noticed my mother.
What the heck?
“Fine,” Granny said. “I’m in. I’m gonna kick the homophobic jackhole’s butt.”
“I’m not homophobic, you tremendously attractive she-devil,” Zeernebooch protested. “I just don’t like the pink ensembles.”
“You gonna fight?” Granny demanded. “Or are you chicken?”
With an enormous, put-upon sigh, Zeernebooch pressed his temples and glanced over again at my mother. “You’re condoning this?” he questioned.
“As long as you stick to the ground rules, I am,” my mother replied, staring straight at the Demon.
Okay. Now I was a little confused.
“Why?” Zeernebooch asked, still looking
wary.
“Because Bobbie Sue is my mother,” she said with a wink to the Demon. “And she wants to kick your ass.”
“Of course she’s your mother,” Zeernebooch said sarcastically. “It all makes sense now.”
My parents had some explaining to do but talking would have to wait. The smackdown had begun.
Chapter Nine
When it was done, the Wilsons’ Great Room looked like it had been trampled by a herd of blind elephants. Granny had lost her left arm in the shit show but Zeernebooch lost both legs, making Granny the winner on a technicality.
The Demon could have cared less—in fact, he was downright ecstatic. He’d copped at least ten feels of Granny’s perfect little butt during the melee. And if I wasn’t mistaken, he’d also latched on to her knockers a few times. Pretty sure it was the last time he went for her ass that he lost his second leg.
All in all, it was a semi-pornographic smackdown of epic proportions.
The formerly pink and blue themed baby shower decor now looked like a bloody crime scene covered in black Demon glitter. However, from the laughing and conversation of the guests, you’d never freakin’ know it.
“Amazing,” Dima said, watching Granny’s arm grow back. “Much faster than a Dragon. Werewolves are incredible.”
“Werewolf Vampyre,” I reminded her with a grin. It really was incredible.
“I gotta say, it kinda tickles when you grow another arm,” Granny observed as her arm continued to regenerate right before our eyes.
Zeernebooch’s legs had reformed just as rapidly.
“As long as there’s no major organ involved, it’s not bad at all,” Dwayne explained, patting Granny lovingly on the head. “Fifty years ago in Pamplona, Spain when I was doing the naked run with the bulls, I lost the entire left side of my body. It was a mess. It all would have been fine if I hadn’t paused to admire a fabu sequined mini-skirt in an adorable shop window. Normally, I’m far faster than a pissed off bull, but I just love sparkly things.” Dwayne shook his bald head fondly at the memory. “The son of a bitch naked gnomes I was running with were so drunk they were positively useless. Word to the wise… never do anything even semi-risky with gnomes. The tiny bastards suck in an emergency. So anyhoo… I had to regenerate in front of hundreds of human spectators—vomit and screaming everywhere. Hurt like a motherfucker. I had to sell my castle in England to buy off enough Vampyres to mind-wipe the masses. However, I did go back and buy the mini-skirt. I look completely fetching in it. As a matter of fact, I still have it.”
Were We Belong Page 8
