“What are you, about seventeen?”
“Sixteen,” she said.
“Do you live here or with your dad?”
“That’s complicated,” Ellis cut in.
He nodded. He leaned in as if to say something confidential, though Raven was right there. “Your boy River. That one’s got more than a little of your mother in him, I think.”
How could he say that? How could he not know how much that would hurt her? Was his goodness something she had imagined all those years?
He leaned back in his chair. “Now that I’m here, there’s something I want to tell you. I felt bad about not letting you know before I left.”
Ellis couldn’t believe it. She would finally hear the words she’d craved all those years.
The front door opened. Jasper came in, River behind him.
“I’m sorry about what I did,” River said. He didn’t look sorry, and he glanced at Jasper with a slight smirk. His brother had somehow gotten him to apologize.
Jasper said, “When you leave, we’ll follow you out and buy you a tank of gas at the station down the road.”
More like Jonah would buy it when he paid Jasper’s credit card bill.
“Thank you, but not necessary,” Zane said.
“You’re also welcome to use the guesthouse to rest for a while,” Jasper said.
Zane grinned at Ellis. “Do I look that feeble nowadays?”
“You look good,” she said. “What were you going to say? You said you felt bad about not telling me something.”
“Right. About your father.”
She hadn’t expected anything about her father. When she was a girl, that topic had been so closed, her father may as well have never existed.
“Do you know who he is?” she asked.
His eyes changed. He looked more like the kind man Ellis remembered.
“Yeah, I knew your dad,” he said softly. “Is it okay to talk about this in front of your kids?”
“I’m sure they’d like to know something about their grandfather.”
“Unless he’s a mass murderer,” River said. “That I’d rather not know.”
Zane ignored him. “I knew him for years before your mother did. I cooked with him. To this day, I think of him as my best friend.”
“Your best friend? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Your mother wouldn’t let me. He was a really good guy, Ellis. That’s what I’ve always wanted to tell you.”
“Mom told me she didn’t know who my father was.”
Zane glowered. “She meant that as an insult. Your father was Lucas Rosa. But he usually went by Luke.”
So the father listed on her birth certificate was real. “Why isn’t Rosa my last name?”
“Because your mother preferred it for your middle name—and she usually got her way with Luke. At least at first.”
“Is that an Italian name?”
“Portuguese,” Zane said. “Your dad came from a family of fishermen in Massachusetts.”
“Interesting,” River said. “No wonder Dad couldn’t convince me to study law. My genes were calling me to a fish-slimed boat in the middle of the Atlantic.”
Zane cast a critical look at River. “It’s an honorable profession. And a dangerous one, even for experienced seamen. Luke’s father and brother died at sea in a storm.”
“How old was my father when that happened?” Ellis asked.
“Sixteen, and an orphan because his mom died when he was little. He lived with his grandmother for a couple of years, then went inland to live with a friend. We met at a restaurant in Pittsburgh when we were still prep cooks.”
Zane smiled. “You’d never know Luke came from a hard life. He really knew how to have a good time.” He studied her face. “You know, I think you look even more like him now than you did when you were little.”
That was why Ellis looked so different from her mother. She’d gotten her features from her father. Now she could visualize his face.
“Does the name Ellis have to do with that family?” she asked.
He shook his head. “Your mom was a few months pregnant when Luke took her to see where he grew up. They camped all over the northeast and—”
“What? My mother camping?”
“She did a lot of stuff you never knew. Luke liked camping and turned her on to it. It’s kind of interesting you called one of your kids River—because that’s how you got your name, from a river in the White Mountains where they camped.”
“I’m named for a mountain river?”
He grinned. “I knew you’d like that. It drove me crazy I couldn’t tell you any of this when you were a kid.”
“What happened with my dad? Why was all of this kept secret?”
“To make sure you never asked questions like that, I guess. None of us was allowed to talk about it.”
“Who wasn’t allowed to talk about what?”
“You see? This is what your mother didn’t want to happen.”
“She isn’t here. Tell me what I wasn’t supposed to know.”
“I guess you know her father kicked her out of his house.”
“Yes.”
“When that happened, she went to western Ohio with some guy, but it didn’t work out. She moved in with a friend who got her a waitress job where she worked. In a smaller town like ours, all the restaurant people knew each other. Your mom hit our scene like a storm. She was wild, always had fun, crazy ideas. Every guy who met her fell for her.”
Ellis had trouble imagining that.
Zane saw what she was thinking. “That was before the booze and drugs. She was really something to look at back then. Striking, I would call her looks. But there was only one of us she wanted, and that was Lucas Rosa.”
“How old were they?”
“She was twenty-one and he was twenty-six. They were totally gone on each other. But boy could they go at it when they had a fight. They toned that down a little when your mom got pregnant. They rented a place and seemed really happy.”
“They wanted to have a baby?”
“Yeah. They were into it. All of us were excited for them. You had twenty or so honorary aunts and uncles when you were born. You were the little princess of our parties—and we had a lot of parties.”
Ellis remembered. Climbing into laps. “Come here to your auntie, sweetie.” Arms lifting her. Someone swinging her around like an airplane. A smoky room. A man letting her drink out of his glass. “Don’t get that baby drunk, you idiot!”
“How old was I when they broke up?”
“Three.”
“What happened?”
He dragged in a slow breath and sighed. “Luke met someone else. He started going around behind your mom’s back. One night when some of us were at their house, your mom was drunk and confronted him about it. He got mad but admitted to it. She told him to get out and never come back. Luke was really pissed about her yelling at him in front of everyone . . .”
Zane looked down at the glass of tea in his hands.
“What? What happened?”
“He jumped on his motorcycle and rode away. He’d only gone a half block when he sped past a stop sign and got hit.” He paused, still gazing at the glass. “We heard the tires screeching. It was weird—we all knew right away what’d happened and ran over. We watched him die.” He looked into her eyes. “You too. You were in my arms.”
Ellis tried but couldn’t remember. But she could still see the faces of her many babysitters, her “aunts and uncles,” as Zane had called them. Now she understood they had been helping her mother after Lucas died.
“Your mom was never the same,” he said. “She thought she’d killed him. But she never said that. She’d only say how much she hated him for going off with that other woman. All that love she still had for Luke became hate. It totally wrecked her.”
“I guess I can see why she never told me about him.”
“You were really rough for her; you looked so much like him. She was too hard on you. And when you
got older, she sort of pretended you weren’t there. But I guess I don’t need to tell you that.”
He didn’t. Ellis had always assumed she’d had some deficit that made her mother hate her. But all along it had been about her father.
“When I started seeing her, I tried to be there for you, Ellis. I really tried. I owed that to your daddy. I loved that guy.”
So there was the truth. Zane had come into her life because her mother, as he’d said earlier, was like an addiction for him. And he’d become her almost father because he had loved his friend, not her. Even worse, he had probably been taking care of her to appease that striking woman who’d first chosen his best friend instead of him.
Ellis glanced at River. His expression was inscrutable. He looked like he was trying to read her, too. As if they were playing a game of emotional poker. If she let him see that Zane had created a whole new level of pain for her, would he be glad he’d been its architect?
“All that love became hate,” Zane had said. Was that what happened to River when Ellis left him?
Zane stretched up in his chair and rubbed his hands on his thighs. “Well . . . I’m glad I finally told you all that. It’s bothered me some that you didn’t know.”
Bothered me some. Ellis almost laughed at the irony.
He grinned, blue eyes sparkling in that way Ellis had loved when she was little. “I’m glad you’re not dying, Ellis.”
“So am I,” she said.
“You always were a funny one.” He rose out of his chair. “I’d better get going.”
She stood. “You’re welcome to rest first.”
“Thanks, but I’ve got somewhere to get to. Do you remember that friend of your mother’s and mine called Rocky?”
“Of course.”
“He’s got a little place near Daytona Beach. I told him I was coming to Florida, and he’s having me over. We’re gonna go ocean fishing and have some bro time.”
“Good thing I’m not dying slowly to keep you,” she said.
He laughed. “Rocky’ll be glad to hear it’s not true. He said to tell you hello.”
“Tell him the same.”
“I will.” He walked to the door, turned around. “Come here. I want a hug from Luke’s pretty girl.”
She was relieved to discover she wanted to embrace him. She felt no bitterness. Zane had taught her about love when her mother couldn’t. What did it matter if he had or hadn’t loved her back?
“Goodbye, Zane.”
“Goodbye, Ellis. You take care now.”
It had taken more than thirty years, but finally she’d heard him say it.
7
RAVEN
Seven ibis flew over her, and she stopped to listen. Raven never tired of hearing air whoosh through the wings of water birds. It was a new sound for her. Herons, egrets, ibis, cranes. They flew over Ellis’s land all day. The big birds were one of her favorite things about living there.
But if she had to pick one favorite, it would be the old live oaks. Matriarchs of the woods, each had a different personality. Raven went to the one she loved most, an ancient fern-covered mama with an immense trunk and myriad twisted limbs snaking out like the fat strands of Medusa’s hair.
Raven looked down at two Askings she’d made at the base of the tree. One was to bring her home to Washington. The other was to send her feelings out into the universe: “I love you, Jackie.”
She sat between two humps of the oak’s mossy roots and leaned against the massive trunk. She closed her eyes, tried to imagine what Jackie was doing.
“How can you stand these mosquitoes?”
She opened her eyes. River peered at her through a screen of young cabbage palms.
“Did you follow me here?”
“Sort of,” he said.
“Why not just say yes?”
“Because that would sound creepy stalker, and I’m not. I had to go somewhere because they’re all pissed at me up there.” He pushed through the palms to get closer. “I saw you leave, and that looked like a good idea—until I started to stew in my own juices. How do people live in this steam bath?”
“You get used to it.”
“You look like one of your earth spirits sitting there like that.”
She had come to the tree because she felt sick and needed rest, but she’d get none of that now.
River noticed one of her Askings and walked over to it. “What’s this? Offerings to the goddess tree?” When she didn’t answer, he said, “Spirit got your tongue?”
“Why do you like to make people angry?”
“Because it’s much more interesting than having people be happy with me.”
She maybe understood. People who were happy with you would have higher expectations.
“Do you want to go do something? They’re all looking daggers at me for bringing Zane. Even that scar-faced woman.”
“Her name is Maxine. And she doesn’t know about Zane.”
“Mom probably told her.”
“I doubt that. Maxine is deaf.”
“Oh. That explains it.”
“What?”
“How weird she acts.”
Raven stood. “Just shut up, will you?”
“Whoa. What’s this all about?”
“I like her.”
Soon after Raven moved in, Maxine saw her vomit in the trees. She must have understood that Raven was homesick. Max sat next to her and gently wiped her mouth with a bandanna she had in her pocket. Then she wrapped one arm around her the way Reece did and stayed like that, just holding her for a while.
“So do you want to go somewhere?” he asked. “It’s almost five o’clock. We could do an early dinner.”
She felt sorry for him. He clearly didn’t like to be alone, yet he compulsively provoked people into shunning him.
“Why did you lie to make Zane come here?” she asked.
“The truth?”
She nodded.
“I’d drunk no small amount of whiskey when I messaged him. This morning when he wrote back to say he was almost here, I honestly freaked out. But it was too late to do anything.”
“You regret it?”
“I don’t know. The guy didn’t exactly seem bummed about ocean fishing. And my mother found out who her father was. Maybe I did them both a favor.”
“I think it’s good that Ellis found out who her father was, too.”
He smiled. “Yeah? Great, one person in this family doesn’t hate my guts.”
“Except I don’t like the lie you told to bring him here. That was mean.”
“I know. It was. My drunk side is an even worse person than I am. But he’s not the one who’s asking you to dinner. I am. Do you like steak?”
“I love steak.” She was reminded of Reece’s birthday party.
“And you’ve been eating my mother’s rabbit food? We need to get some high-quality protein into you.” He added, “Not to be mean like my drunkard ego, but I was surprised by how wiped out you looked when I got here. Have you lost weight?”
“I don’t know.”
“I think a steak would do you good.”
Maybe he was right. She was used to eating meat with Mama. And now she felt sick and tired all the time.
“I’m buying, of course,” he said to encourage her. “Jesus, this sounds like a date and you’re my sister.” He put his hand to his throat and pretended to gag.
Just like Reece. Hiding his insecurity in humor.
“Okay, let’s get a steak,” she said.
He looked genuinely happy, and she felt better than she had for a long time.
He contemplated the tree. “How do we leave the blessed mother? Should I bow, maybe kiss her roots?”
She swatted his arm.
“Ow. You’re mean,” he said.
They walked back to the house to change. River told her to meet him at the car and avoid telling Jasper and Ellis about their plans. “I’ve had enough of their judgment for one day,” he said.
Raven
didn’t understand why he’d be judged for going to dinner, but she agreed. Fortunately, Ellis wasn’t in the house. She was probably at the nursery with Maxine.
Raven changed into a dress. It was one she’d worn to school and sometimes on dates with Jackie. It was too warm for Florida in June, but she put on sandals to make it more summery.
River wore slim-fitted pants, a short-sleeve button-down shirt, and slip-on shoes.
“What did you tell Jasper?” she asked in the car.
“Nothing—he was in the shower. Which means I haven’t. Thank god for underarm deodorant.”
He seemed to know his way around already. He got on the small highway that crossed over the Paynes Prairie wetlands, one of the few landmarks Raven knew from driving into Gainesville with Ellis a few times.
They drove to a restaurant he’d looked up that specialized in steaks. It was fancier than she expected. Men and women in crisp white uniforms seated them and took their orders.
River ordered whiskey on ice. He showed an ID when the waiter asked.
When the man left, she asked, “Is the drinking age lower than twenty-one here?”
“It’s a fake ID,” he said in a low voice. “I’ve had it for years. But don’t tell Mom . . . my mom . . . Ellis . . . whatever.”
He lit up when she laughed.
When the drink arrived, he held it up for a toast. “To my baby sister, who’s once again tossed us into a stormy sea. May we find our way back to shore.”
She tapped her water glass against his and drank. He downed more than half the whiskey.
“Finding the way back to shore is different for your family than it is for me,” she said.
“You are our family.”
“I’m not.”
“You think you aren’t, but you’ll come around. Like Luke and Leia had to battle their dark origins.”
“Who?”
“The Skywalkers. Star Wars.”
Jackie had a Star Wars poster on his wall when he was little. But she still didn’t understand the reference.
“You’ve never seen a Star Wars movie?”
“No.”
“Wow.” He finished the whiskey and asked a passing waiter to bring another. “How sheltered were you? Did you have a TV?”
“No.”
“Phone?”
She shook her head.
The Light Through the Leaves Page 34
