by Kyell Gold
Whatever lightness had crept into Kory’s mood vanished. He liked the smell, and he didn’t intend to wash before bed. He pulled the phone out of his pocket and handed it to her. “Good night, Mom.”
“Good night, sweetheart.” She kissed him on the nose, since she couldn’t reach the top of his head any more. “Whew!” She waved at the air in front of her nose. “I hope he’ll wash before he comes over.”
Kory rolled his eyes and walked across the little bridge to his room. When he climbed into bed, he breathed in the scent of the foxes on his fur, and carried it into his dreams.
He was sitting in school with Samaki, and they were in a history lesson. He realized that he wasn’t wearing any pants, and he hoped the fox wouldn’t notice. Then he saw the fox’s thick tail fall away from his lap, and saw that the fox was naked as well, his white patch gleaming in the midst of his black fur. Samaki was smiling at him. “You can touch if you want,” he said softly.
“What about the teacher?” Kory said back.
“Let’s teach each other,” Samaki said.
Kory reached over and touched the gleaming white fur, and then felt the fox in his paw. He felt the same warmth he felt when holding the fox’s paw, and an extra jolt. “It’s all right,” Samaki said, and Kory looked deep into the violet eyes.
“You can touch me too,” he said.
The fox wasted no time, his paw reaching over. Kory felt an electric thrill and shuddered, and jerked awake in bed, panting.
His room was dark save for the stars on his ceiling and their reflection in the water. He looked around, the residue of the dream pounding strongly through him. It took him a minute to slide back from the dream world, but his body took longer. What did that mean? He didn’t even know if the fox was gay. Was he? He scrabbled through his mind to recall the psychology chapter of his social studies class. Was it rationalization or projection if he was suspicious that the fox was gay because it was really what he wanted?
That was ridiculous, though. It was just a dream, it didn’t mean that that was really inside him or anything.
But his body was still responding to the dream, no matter how much he thought about it. That doesn’t prove anything, he told himself. I wake up like this most mornings. It’s not related to the dream.
Even so, he tossed and turned until he looked up and realized that dawn had crept up on him without him realizing it. He went for a swim to clear his head, and when he came back and logged in, he found an e-mail from Samaki asking if he’d gotten home in time. Seeing the words typed on the screen, he could almost hear the fox’s voice, and that brought back the memory of his dream. In the daylight, fully awake, it seemed much sillier to be worried that the dream represented secret desires inside him. Samaki was a friend, that was all.
He sent a quick response telling Samaki about his grounding and the invitation to dinner, and was excited to get a quick answer back. The fox must have been on the computer checking first thing in the morning. He said he would ask about dinner but he thought it would be okay, and sympathized on the cell phone loss, offering to be online at certain times in the evening so they could set up a chat. Kory thanked God for the small favor of his mother not yet knowing about IM.
Sal came over in the afternoon, but was intercepted by Kory’s mother at the door. He heard only her sharp, “I’m sorry, Sal, Kory’s grounded and can’t have guests.” He turned up the music in his room and nodded silently when she came to his room later to tell him about the visit.
Homework occupied him for only part of the day, even when he tried to work on some things due beyond Monday. He wasn’t supposed to play games or surf the web when he was grounded, but his mother rarely checked and he felt he was being punished enough to allow himself a little bit of surfing.
It wasn’t until that night, lying in bed, that the images of the dream flashed through his head again, unbidden yet unstoppable. “Let’s teach ourselves.” A long, black tail whose white tip traced an arc to the ground. White island in a black sea. “You can touch.” The feeling in his paw.
His body strained painfully, feeling like it was about to burst. Fists at his sides, he stared at the ceiling, trying to focus on something else. If he touched himself while he was thinking about the fox, that would make his whole dilemma much worse. He tried to remember Jenny, the way her body had felt, but he kept seeing Samaki over and over, and finally he knew if he didn’t do something, he would lie awake all night. He slid his paw inside his pajamas and gave himself a quick, panting release. After that, sleep came quickly and was dreamless. But the morning was troubled.
He got ready for church, the dream still on his mind. He knew that there was a whole parcel of sin tied up in having impure thoughts, let alone about other boys, and now it was worse because he’d not only had the thoughts, he’d acted on them. Kind of. Church, he hoped, would help him clear his mind and gain some perspective.
After Mass, his mother habitually stayed to talk with the priest, a tall Dall sheep who liked to be called “Father Joe.” He’d come to their church only a couple years ago, single-handedly changing Kory’s view of church from a duty to something engaging to be looked forward to. Nick still found the sermons boring, but Kory loved the sheep’s animated manner and found himself reflecting on the sermons during the week. It helped that Father Joe never preached the doom and gloom that Kory’d grown up with, but focused instead on self-improvement and helping others.
Kory had, in fact, been somewhat startled to find that his mother preferred Father Green, the older priest, to Father Joe, who was part of what she disparagingly called “the new church.” Over the past two years, her complaints had fallen off as she’d spoken to him more often. Now, she and the Jeffersons, a wolf couple who lived a few blocks from them, were talking to him about an upcoming bake sale. Normally, Kory would have followed Nick outside, but now he loitered by the door, hoping to get a moment alone with the priest before leaving. After his mother and Mrs. Jefferson started in on who would bring the bran cakes, he lost his nerve and turned to go.
Father Joe’s deep voice stopped him. “Kory?”
He turned and saw the sheep’s large, dark eyes and gentle smile. “Yes, Father?”
“Would you help me pick up the hymnals? I could use an extra paw.”
Kory shuffled. “Uh...”
“He’d be glad to,” his mother said, pushing him towards the priest. “Go on, Kory, we’ll be outside when you’re done. Thank you, Father Joe.”
“God bless, ladies, Mr. Jefferson,” the sheep said, bowing his large curved horns gracefully.
The church was empty except for Kory and Father Joe once his mother left, still chattering with the Jeffersons. The sheep waved Kory down one row while he took the next one forward, keeping pace with the young otter as they collected the books. “So how’s it going, Kory?”
“Okay.” Kory’s stomach was churning. One second he wanted to blurt out his problem, the next he didn’t want to say anything.
“School all right?” Father Joe gathered books easily into his large arms.
“Yeah.”
They reached the end of the pews and circled around to the next two. Father Joe didn’t look at Kory, just walked along the row picking up books. “Anything bothering you?”
Kory’s throat seemed to close up. He tried to say, “Not really,” but it came out as a squeaking sound. He clamped his mouth shut, embarrassed, and ducked his head.
“It seemed like you wanted to talk to me. Are you having doubts about faith?”
“Uh, no.” He breathed a little more easily.
“Rats. I was hoping. That would be an easy one.” The sheep looked down with a smile that Kory couldn’t help answering. “Problems at home? A lot of children with single parents have problems. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Oh, it’s not that...I mean, it’s okay.” He reached the end of the pew and they turned one more time.
“Your mother really wants the best for you.” Father Joe examined one of the hym
nals before adding it to his stack. “Sometimes what parents think is best isn’t always what kids think is best.”
Kory nodded. “I know.”
“So...is one of your friends doing something you think is wrong, and asked you to join them? Maybe you’re wondering whether to turn them in, if it’s illegal, but you still want to be a good friend?”
Kory shook his head. “No.”
They turned to start the frontmost two rows. “Well,” Father Joe said, “I do greatly appreciate your help with this, and I wish I could help you in return. But we’re down to the last two rows, and if it’s not faith, family, or friends, I’m not sure what’s left. I can’t imagine you’d come to me with girl trouble.” His eyes twinkled a bit as he said that.
“No,” Kory said. The comfortable banter helped him make up his mind. “I had...a dream,” he said.
“Oh, dreams.” Father Joe shook his head. “Nightmare?”
Kory shook his head. “Not really.”
They reached the end of the pew and stood silently for a few moments as he struggled to find words. “It was about...doing something...I don’t think I want to, but it was...”
“But in the dream, you enjoyed it?” Father Joe said gently. “And now you’re wondering if that means you would enjoy it outside the dream?”
Kory stared at the sheep. His mouth had gone very dry.
“It wasn’t anything violent, was it? No, I don’t think...” and then he paused. “Did you have a dream about another boy?”
Kory felt his legs shake. “No!” he said, hearing the lie echo in the large space of the church.
Father Joe looked right at him. “It’s all right to have dreams, Kory,” he said. “They’re messages, but they don’t always mean what they show on the surface. Sometimes they’re just God’s way of asking us to think about some part of our life. I have some duties to attend to now, but if you want to talk more, come see me next Saturday morning, okay? I’ll clear some time for you.”
“Okay,” Kory whispered, though all he wanted to do was run for the exit.
Father Joe put a hand on his shoulder. “Adolescence is a confusing time, Kory. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.”
“Okay,” Kory said again, “thanks.” He was afraid to say any more.
“Thank you for the help with the hymnals.” Father Joe smiled and released his shoulder. “Don’t worry, Kory. It was just a dream.”
Kory nodded and backed into the pew, then turned and walked quickly out the door.
He nodded at his mother when she asked if he wanted tuna fish for lunch, and mumbled, “Nothing,” when she asked what he’d talked about with Father Joe. He was remembering all the stories about Catholic priests molesting young boys and suddenly wondered why Father Joe was so eager to set aside time for him. He didn’t seem like that sort, but then he supposed that they never did, that boys were easy prey for someone they felt they could trust.
But it didn’t matter, because he wasn’t gay.
On Monday morning, he found that explaining to Father Joe had been a walk in the park compared to explaining to Sal.
“So you blew me off for another guy,” the other otter said after Kory had told him what happened, sitting alone in a corner of the cafeteria eating lunch.
Kory sighed. “I forgot,” he said again. “I’m sorry.”
“Look, none of the guys are picking sides or anything with you and Jenny. Debbie asked where you were Saturday.”
He hadn’t felt any great desire to hang out with the old group, but it hadn’t occurred to Kory that he might not be able to. The thought sat uncomfortably in him. “Thanks.”
“So why didn’t you tell me about this guy? Is he, like, a spaz or something?”
“No, he’s really cool.” Kory told Sal about the movie, about the books they’d talked about, about the conversations over the phone and the ice cream parlor.
“You meet this guy, what, a week ago and suddenly he’s your best friend?”
“Yeah, he’s my best friend,” Kory snapped. “I went back in time and grew up with him.”
Sal squinted at him. “Hang on...a movie? Ice cream? That sounds like a date.”
“Jesus, no!” Kory covered his mouth and looked around, but nobody was paying attention. Not that anyone in the school cared about taking the Lord’s name in vain anymore.
“All right, all right,” Sal said, “Just funnin’ with ya.” He started telling Kory about his weekend and what he and Debbie had done, to which Kory made as little response as he felt he could get away with.
Things with Sal remained cool all week, but the thugs who’d been harassing him about the poem seemed to finally grow tired of it, so Kory felt that things had balanced out. He talked with Samaki over IM and e-mail during the week, and got increasingly nervous about the fox’s visit Friday night, for no reason he could determine. If his mom didn’t like Samaki, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.
Nevertheless, he paced around his room Friday evening as six o’clock drew nearer, and at 6:01 he began hovering in the living room, watching the doorway. When the doorbell finally rang two minutes later, Kory ran the five steps to the door and flung it open.
Mrs. Roden wore a pale blue dress and a bright smile. Samaki stood to her left, grinning in a collared white shirt and khaki slacks. Behind her, holding onto one black paw, was a small vixen who looked to be about four. She peered shyly at Kory from behind her mother’s tail.
“Hi, Mrs. Roden. Hi, Samaki,” Kory grinned.
“This is Mariatu,” Mrs. Roden said. “Come say hi, sweetie.”
Kory grinned, ushering them into the foyer. After some coaxing, Mariatu was persuaded to remove the paw from her muzzle and say a soft “hi.”
“I shouldn’t stay too long,” Mrs. Roden said. “I left Ajani and Kasim out in the car.”
Kory’s mother came out and greeted the brush of foxes, and Kory was glad to see her smile as Samaki shook her paw very politely. He noticed that the black fox had combed his fur and was wearing some sort of flowery scent to conceal his musk.
His mother said, “Welcome, Samaki,” but then turned to Mrs. Roden, whom she could look in the eye. “It’s so nice to meet you. Kory doesn’t tell me anything,” she said.
“Oh, at that age they can be very difficult,” Mrs. Roden said, ruffling Samaki’s headfur. “Is he your only?”
“No, he has a younger brother. I don’t know where Nick is.”
“Probably in his room.” Kory said, halfway to showing Samaki the living room.
“Well, I’m sure he’ll be out eventually. So you live over in downtown, Kory tells me.”
“That’s right.” Mrs. Roden settled against the wall. “Samaki, could you go keep an eye on your brothers?”
“Sure, Mom. Kory, wanna meet `em?”
“Yeah.” Kory followed the fox outside, listening to his mother lob more questions at Mrs. Roden.
“How you doing?” he asked, aware that he was wearing a big grin.
“Doing good. Glad to see you.” The fox’s tail brushed his as it wagged.
“Me too.” He saw the old Fox at the foot of his driveway and a couple shapes moving around inside. Snarls and yips floated out through the open window.
Samaki trotted the last few steps. “Hey, stinkers, cut it out!” he called as he got near the car.
Two reddish muzzles poked out of the open window. “Where’s mom?” the older one said. He looked about Nick’s age.
“She’s talking to Kory’s mom. She told me to make sure you don’t rip each other’s tails off while she’s gone.”
The other cub, about eight, said, “Why did Mariatu get to go in and we hadda wait in the car?”
“Because you smell so bad,” the older one said, kicking off an exchange of “Shut up!” between the two of them, which Samaki broke up with a grin to Kory.
“Hey, you two. Say hi to Kory.”
“Hi.” “Hi, Kory.”
“Hi,” Kory said. “You guys are...”
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“Ajani,” said the older one.
“I’m Kasim,” the younger said, and tilted his head. “Are you gonna be Samaki’s boyfriend?”
In the silence that followed this remark, Samaki’s ears folded back, and Kasim said, “Ow!” as Ajani elbowed him and said, “Shut up, dipwad!”
“What?” Kasim said.
“No, he’s not,” Samaki said. “Why don’t you both sit down now?”
They grumbled, but did so. The black fox turned to Kory. “Little brothers,” he said with a grin that looked just a little forced.
“I know how it is,” Kory said. “Wait `til you meet Nick.”
“Yeah.” Samaki reached back and scratched his ear. He looked into the car, lowering his voice so they couldn’t hear. “I love `em, though.”
Kory looked in, too, at the four shining eyes looking out at them. “They’re cute. Are you the oldest?”
“Now I am. My sister, Kande, she’s off at college.”
“Where’s she going?” Kory itched to ask him about his brother’s remark, his heart speeding up a bit, but if Samaki didn’t want to talk about it, he wasn’t going to bring it up.
“State. Main campus, though, not Hilltown campus.”
“That’s cool.”
“You looked at colleges yet?”
Kory shrugged a bit. “Mom sent me some links.”
“I was thinking about-”
The door opened before the fox could finish his sentence. His mother and Mariatu walked out, with Kory’s mother behind them. Mrs. Roden’s words floated down to them. “Thank you so much, and thank you for having Samaki over.”
“Pleasure to meet you,” Kory’s mother said, remaining at the door as the vixen waved and then walked down the driveway.
“I get to sit in front,” Ajani said from inside the car, scrambling through the two front seats and getting halfway before his brother grabbed his tail. Ajani yelped.
Samaki reached in to hold Kasim. “Hey,” he said, “Mom said Ajani could sit in front.”
“I don’t wanna be in back alone with her,” Kasim said sulkily.
“She’s your sister,” Samaki said, and ruffled his ears.
Mrs. Roden reached them and opened the door. “Scoot over, Kasim, and help your sister in.” Kasim slid across the seat and didn’t otherwise move at first, then grudgingly reached out a paw, which Mariatu took. She kept looking at Kory with wide eyes, and then smiled and waved her other paw and said, “Bye bye.”
