by H. M. Ward
The moment remains perfect, as if it’s suspended in time. We cling to each other, hoping to God that there’s more for us, that there’s a way I can hold onto him. But, Trystan is like a snowflake. I’m afraid that if I try to close my hand around him, he’ll disappear from my life. Trystan can’t accept who he is, that it stems from where he came from. He won’t forgive himself for this. Somehow I know it, but I can’t let it go. I can’t let him go. I love him with every ounce of my being, and I know that I always will.
CHAPTER 6
~TRYSTAN~
Mari is amazing. It doesn’t matter what’s wrong, she brings Trystan back to life.
He moves through the school and goes to his classes like it’s any other day. Trystan smiles and jokes, but it’s different now. That hollow feeling inside his chest has someone to fill it. Mari knows him like no one else. She understands him. Trystan wishes so badly that Mari didn’t, but at the same time, he’s glad she does. It’s one of those things that he can’t explain.
And right now he feels caught. Trystan can go on without her, but he doesn’t want to. Love isn’t like that, is it? Is it selfish? He didn’t think so, and keeping Mari in his life is selfish. Things will only get worse. Trystan is falling down a pit, head first. He knows he’s mid free-fall, and that he took Mari with him. The crap with his father isn’t over. Add to the fact that he’s homeless and his life is just getting worse.
But… but if he leaves Mari alone, her father will crush her. The light in her eyes will disappear. She’ll give in and be what he wants, which is that demur version of Mari. Trystan brings out the other side of her, the real Mari. The one that is all vibrant and fantastic. The side she hides from the world.
Trystan glances across the stage. Mari is in the wing. The stage lights cast a golden glow on her skin as she waits for her cue. Her long hair is soft and totally touchable. When Mari woke him this morning, Trystan thought he was dreaming. Any touch from her sends him reeling. It’s like she’s his angel, his second chance, but somehow that isn’t what’s happened. Instead of pulling him up, he’s sucking her down. Trystan swallows hard. The thoughts pummel his mind in a relentless wave. He’d give anything for her—do anything to make her happy. After last night—
His thoughts are cut off when Mari senses his gaze and looks up at him. She smiles. That soft, shy smile drives him crazy. He winks at her, knowing that it’ll conceal his thoughts. Mari has a way of reading him that scares him to death. One glance at his eyes and she knows exactly what he’s thinking. Hiding things from her is difficult.
Trystan honed in on things that set her off balance a while ago and uses them judiciously to set her off kilter when she gets too close. Damn it. He really needs to make up his mind and pull her in or push her away. You don’t deserve her, a small voice reminds him. It’s the same voice that said don’t fight back. Trystan doesn’t know what that is anymore. Last night, when the voice said to be still, he nearly died because of it. Maybe he’s been listening to the wrong voice all this time? Maybe he should have fought back before now. He doesn’t know and dwelling on it won’t change anything.
Trystan takes his cue and enters the stage, while banishing the whole mess from his mind. He says his lines perfectly and it’s all Mari’s doing. When he enters the stage to act opposite her, Trystan can’t help beaming. His smile is at full wattage. The acting is a reprieve, a chance to pretend that his horrid life doesn’t exist. It’s a chance to escape, and escaping it with Mari makes his time on stage even better.
They act—they fight, they banter, they kiss—it’s as if this is a dream. If only life were this simple. If only saying a few well-chosen words could really fix his mistakes. Trystan grins and pulls Mari close. She has that shy thing going on. It drives him crazy. The stage lights make her more radiant than she already is. Trystan can’t think about anything but kissing her when her eyes lower like that, and she looks up at him from under her lashes.
Mari says her lines, but it feels real. For half a second, Trystan is lost in the scene. He’s not himself. His past is gone, his pain is gone. Mari holds his heart and there is nothing else. They’re in their own world and there is nothing weighing them down, no one to hold them back or break them apart. Mari looks at his eyes and he’s lost in her gaze. There’s no place better than this. It feels real. It feels like this could be his life, like he could have Mari and make her happy. For a second, hope floats into his chest and it feels so real that he can taste it. Then, the lights fade into blackness. The moment fractures as the curtain swings halfway closed and abruptly stops.
Mari is breathing hard. She steps away from him. Their relationship is still a secret. She glances at him out of the corner of her eye and smirks before exiting the stage. Trystan watches her walk around to the back of the theater and out the door. His eyes trail her slender frame too long.
Seth is sitting in the empty auditorium with a few other people. They mill around while we try to run through the entire play from start to finish, with lighting, and sound. The mic guy is doing well. There are hardly any issues with him, but the lighting guy is having problems with the spots.
Working with the lights on is awesome, but they’re really warm. Trystan is glad they shut them off when he walks toward the front of the stage. He lowers himself and swings his legs off the edge and sits, looking out at vacant chairs. Trystan pushes his hair out of his eyes. Tucker and the lighting crew are yelling back and forth. The guy in the lighting cage curses and the lights dim.
Then, the remaining stage lights turn off completely. Tucker is yelling at them to switch to the spot, but they turn on a set of lights behind him. Trystan looks back behind him at the golden light, blocking his eyes with his arm, wondering how many more times they’ll need to run through it tonight before everyone leaves.
Trystan wonders how long he can hide out in the basement without going home, how long it will be until he’s caught.
CHAPTER 7
~MARI~
I love this. It’s a rush, so much more than I thought it would be. Standing on stage, feeling the lights on my skin. There’s no way to describe it. Add to the fact that I’m Trystan’s co-star and it feels like a dream. Everything about him is contagious. He’s dazzling on stage. He connects with me, calls to me, like we’re two ends of the same string. I feel him tugging by just listening to his voice. It’s magic and it’s all Trystan.
I want to run and throw my arms around his neck when we take a break. I want to have that comfortable feeling of being close to him, but I can’t. It’s easier this way, I keep telling myself. Katie will have a stroke and I really don’t need more crap from Seth or Brie right now. It’s better that no one knows.
I smirk at Trystan. He returns the look with his blue eyes sparkling, before I run down the staircase on the side of the stage and up an aisle. I need a drink. I don’t know how Trystan does it, especially since I know his throat is still sore from last night, but he’s talking like nothing ever happened. It makes me wonder how many times he came in to school broken and battered and I didn’t notice.
That smile of his hides so much pain.
Blinking hard, I push through the doors and smack into Brie. She’s instantly irritated. “Watch where you’re going, heifer.” Brie shakes her head and her golden hair settles onto her shoulders before she shoves past me and into the auditorium.
I glance after her, wondering what she’s doing here. I decide not to overreact. She’s not a threat. Her part was given to me. It’s not like Tucker will just hand it back. I turn and walk the few paces to the water fountain and drink. The water cools my throat.
When I walk back into the theater, I stand at the back half-wall, draping my arms on it. It’s right when you walk in and separates the seats from the back aisle and the doors. Brie is a couple rows in front of me. She’s slouched in a seat, but when they mess up the lights and blind everyone, Trystan turns around. For a moment, there’s a halo of golden light around him. I smile. He looks like his video. M
y eyes drift to Brie. I wonder if she notices. If she does, she doesn’t say anything.
A moment later Seth settles on the wall next to me. His voice is low, his lips barely moving, “What’s the tramp doing here?”
“I don’t know, but I don’t like it. She’s messed with Trystan enough to last a lifetime. I wish she’d fall down a hole or something.”
Seth turns his face toward me and lifts a brow. “Is that venom from Little Goodie Two Shoes? I’m impressed.”
“It’s not unjustified.” I watch Trystan dangling his legs off the side of the stage. I watch Brie watching him. It makes me nervous. He has enough pain in his life. He doesn’t need anything else to go wrong. “She’s got Trystan in her crosshairs.”
He nods and looks back at his friend. Seth’s expression softens and he sighs. “You care about him?”
“I’m not going to dignify that with a response,” I say, tightly.
“I’m just saying, if you do—help me keep an eye on that one. I got his back for most of the day, but when he’s in here…”
I glance at Seth. He’s staring at Trystan unblinking. I wonder if he knows. Instead of asking, I lower my gaze and nod. “Done.” Before Seth can say anything else and ruin my new, higher opinion of him, I walk back toward the stage.
Brie stands at the same time and smiles at me. It’s one of those smiles that’s good and pure, but when it’s coming from someone like her, you know it’s an evil omen. I narrow my eyes into slits as I pass her. She’s trying to spook me. What could Brie possibly do to make life worse?
Tucker claps his large hands and thunder booms through the empty room. “Back on stage. Let’s repeat the end of that last scene so the lighting guys can get their glitch fixed. Come on! Let’s go!” He waives his arm toward the stage in a sweeping motion.
I climb the stairs and go back to the wing opposite Trystan. My stomach does a free fall when I see him. In the shadows, across the stage, Trystan looks up at me through his dark hair. He winks and I feel the need to giggle hysterically. I hear my cue and walk on stage. We run the scene two more times until lights and sound are at one hundred percent.
Tucker is pleased. Instead of pinching his nose, he’s smiling at us. He stands at the edge of the stage. “You guys should be proud. You worked hard and it’s obvious. Mari, thank you for stepping in at the last second. You are a perfect fit for this part. I hope to see you in more productions next year.” I nod and smile awkwardly. Everyone looks at me. Trystan is standing next to me and bumps my shoulder with his. It attracts Tucker’s attention. “And you, Scott. Try to refrain from doing anything stupid. We need you here, in one piece, tomorrow night.” He rubs his palms together. “All right! Get out of here. See everyone back tomorrow night at 5:00pm. Don’t be late!”
Trystan and I walk away from each other. I glance at him over my shoulder briefly. He’s laughing, talking to Sophie about something. God, could she flirt with him more? Just as I’m thinking it, Trystan turns back and grins at me. I smile, and roll my eyes.
After I collect my stuff from backstage, I realize that I forgot a book and head back to my locker. The hallways are empty and the lights are off. I’m not supposed to be wandering the halls. I stop in front of my locker and rest my head on the metal, wondering how to help Trystan. I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything better for both of us.
“Are you holding up the wall with that pretty head of yours?” Trystan says softly. I turn my face and glance down the hall. He’s standing with his hands in his pockets a few lockers down.
I sigh and straighten. “Someone has to.”
He walks towards me, and his smile slips off his lips. Trystan is serious and that makes me more nervous than anything else. “Thank you. For not saying anything about last night. I know you’re hurt.” He’s actually talking about it. When I tried to ask him this morning, he wasn’t ready. But he is now.
“I know you’re hurt. I wish I knew. I wish you’d told me.” I can’t look at him. Guilt is swallowing me whole. I’m the crappiest friend alive. I had no idea, none at all.
“There was nothing you could have done. Mari, this shit is normal. The cops don’t even come anymore. I’m lucky they didn’t toss me in jail last night. I’m eighteen. That arrest would have been permanent. I got lucky this time. There can’t be a next time.” He’s next to me. His voice is soft, his breath is in my ear.
I know he wants me to turn to look at him, but I can’t. Something is strangling me from the inside. I want to fix this. I know I can help him, at least a little bit. I know he can’t go home anymore. I know he has no clothes. These are things I can offer. Before I even realize what I’m saying, the words are out of my mouth. “Then, stay with me. Hide out at my house until you graduate.” I glance at him from the corner of my eye. My heart is beating too hard, too fast.
He laughs. “Your dad hates me—”
“My dad’s never home. Last night after everything that happened, he didn’t even call to see if I was all right. He stayed and worked his entire shift. The only thing he cares about is work and my mother.” Trystan’s eyes search my face. I turn toward him and press my back into the lockers. A sad smile lines my lips. Glancing at his chest, I say, “I shouldn’t complain. Compared to you—”
He shakes his head. Dark hair falls in his eyes. Trystan’s hands land on my shoulders. “Don’t say that. Compared to me, you have your own hell. Compared to me, you’re in just as much pain. I see it, Mari. It’s written on your face and chiseled into your heart.”
Trystan’s eyes lower for a moment. His hand slips across my cheek, leaving a warm trail on my cool skin. “I wish I could take it away,” he breathes. “I wish they’d see how wonderful and special and amazing you are. I don’t know how your parents can’t see that. They must be blind.
“You outshine the sun, Mari. And I’m not just saying that. It’s true. When I look at you…” he breathes hard and rests his head against mine. “I see everything I ever wanted and more.” By the time he finishes, his voice is a whisper.
I don’t look at his eyes. I’ll fall apart. Moving slowly, Trystan brushes his lips across my cheek. Every part of me reacts to his touch, to him. I’m breathing too hard. It’s too hot. Trystan pulls back. There’s a breath between us and no more. My heart hammers inside of me. We’re like two magnets, slightly separated, pulling toward each other. When I lift my gaze to meet his, I melt. My lips part and I breathe. Trystan lowers his lashes and watches my mouth. I’m falling. I’m lost in his gaze.
Trystan is about to kiss me when a jarring voice slams through the hall.
“Oh, no. Not this shit again. Scott, you said you were over this.” Seth walks toward us. His boots echo up and down the hall. He’s as graceful as a gorilla with concrete sneakers.
Trystan gives me a look that says he’s sorry and a million other things. Before Seth gets closer, he leans in and whispers in my ear, “I’ll come. After seven?” I nod. Trystan’s eyes meet mine and the only thing I want is his arms around me.
He winks at me and turns away. Trystan is all swagger and charm. He struts away saying, “You know how much I like to tease her.” He looks over his shoulder at me. I play back and give him a pointed expression. Trystan laughs and grabs Seth’s shoulders, pulling him away from me. “Come on. Let’s grab dinner. I’m starving.”
Seth looks at Trystan and then back at me, saying, “We had an understanding Jennings and this isn’t part of it.” Seth gives me a hostile look and points his finger at me. “You’re back on my shit list.”
“I was never off your shit list,” I huff and slam my locker door. I walk down the hall and shove past them, adding, “And I don’t really care if I’m on your list or not, Seth. Have fun making out with yourself, Sexbot.” I feel their eyes on me.
My heart is flying, soaring so high, so fast. Trystan said yes. He’ll stay over. Nothing could ruin this night. Nothing.
CHAPTER 8
~TRYSTAN~
Seth doesn’t drop it.
As soon as Mari disappears from sight he hisses, “I thought you were over her?”
Trystan keeps that distant look in his eye. He never tells Seth much of anything. The guy panics. He wants Trystan’s life to make sense to him, but it doesn’t. Hell, it doesn’t even make sense to Trystan. How is he supposed to explain anything to the guy?
“Maybe I’m just friends with her,” Trystan says, “and maybe I don’t want to rehash this whole thing with you tonight. Do me a favor, okay? If you still can’t stand her on Monday, tell me and we can discuss it then.” Trystan says, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “From the way your acting, it seems like you liked Brie better.”
Seth’s eyes get a little too big for his head. “You’re into her, too? Damn man.” He grins. “You think you can get ‘em both at once?”
Trystan’s fingers flinch. Instead of slugging his friend, he smiles and nods. Trystan says things he doesn’t mean, wishing for things he doesn’t want. Mari and Brie. As if that was something to hope for. Trystan shakes off the skeeved layer sticking to his skin and changes the subject. “I heard you were talking about enlisting?”
Trystan couldn’t believe it. When they were in lab, he heard a teacher mentioning Seth’s lack of teacher recommendation forms. The teacher from across the hall said Seth was enlisting. It was weird to find out that way.
Seth doesn’t look a Trystan. Instead, he nods and says, “Yeah, I mean, it’s not like I’m a nerd and can get into a good college. Besides, I haven’t got cash for that kind of shit.”
“I know what you mean.” Trystan and Seth weave their way through the school as they talk, and then exit the front of the building. The air is crisp, like it might snow. There are about two hours until he has to be at Mari’s house. Two hours to kill with Seth. He breathes in deeply and runs his fingers through his hair. “I was going to enlist, but I don’t know anymore…”
