“Oh, God, Gus, what did you say?” Kate whispered.
“I said,” Gus said, clearing his throat, “ ‘I want what you have.’ I didn’t mean to say that. I wanted to say something about Mom and my brothers and sisters, but I didn’t. I knew in that one split second that he’d used those thirty minutes to make a few calls, check me out. No one fucks with the New York Times. I found him, you see, so he had to pay attention. If I found him, other people could find him.”
“Then what?”
“Then the son of a bitch said, ‘How much?’ ”
“Oh, my God,” Kate said.
“I said, ‘Fifty thousand a month. Deposit it on the first day of every month at Chase Manhattan. The upfront payment is five hundred thousand, payable now.’ He wrote the check on the spot. He did ask a question, though.”
“What?” Kate squeezed his hand.
“He said, ‘What does this buy me?’ ”
“And you said . . .”
“I said,” Gus said hoarsely, “ ‘It doesn’t buy you a goddamn fucking thing,’ and he said, ‘That’s what I thought, you are your mother’s son,’ at which point I decked him. What do you think about that secret?”
“My goodness,” was all Kate could think of to say.
“I never told my brothers or sisters or my mother. I never spent any of the money. It’s sitting in the bank. The deposits are made once a month, right on the first day of the month. I did take out enough to pay back the Times, but that was it. It’s all invested. There’s a lot of money in the bank. Close to four million dollars. I don’t know what to do with it. This last year I’ve been dicking around with the idea of parceling it out to the others, but I can’t come up with a story about where it came from. I don’t want any of them, especially my mother, to know about him. It would kill her. Guess you think I’m not a very nice person, huh?”
“On the contrary. I think you are a very nice person. You did what you had to do. Why don’t you look at it as child support, college expenses, birthday, Christmas, and graduation gifts? That would certainly eat a lot of it.”
“I’ve taken money for my silence. What does that make me?”
“The question should be, what does that make your father?”
“I knew I liked you for a reason. You always say the right thing. You’re a hell of a lady, Kate Starr. Come on, I think we should be getting back. And I think that’s a security car coming in our direction.”
A second later Kate was on her feet. Once again her hand was in his. She wasn’t sure who reached for whom. How strange that she was the one who felt comforted.
Back home, Kate locked the doors. “There’s only one bathroom. You can have the room on the right. I made it up this morning. I’ll clean up the kitchen while you use the bathroom.”
“I’ll help,” Gus offered.
“I’m just going to soak the dishes.”
“You’re sure?”
Kate nodded.
“Kate, does my secret change your opinion of me?”
She smiled. “Not one little bit.”
“It kind of makes us conspirators, doesn’t it?”
“Yes. Your secret is safe with me.”
“And yours with me.”
Now what? Kate wondered, her heart fluttering wildly in her chest. Now what, indeed?
Later, in the dim hallway, Gus beckoned her with his index finger. “C’mere,” he said.
Trancelike, she moved toward him. When she was standing next to him, she realized how tall he was, towering over her so he had to tilt her chin with the tips of his fingers so he could look into her eyes. He was going to kiss her, and she didn’t want to stop him. Her eyes closed of their own accord as she waited. His lips, when they touched hers, were soft, giving as well as taking, persuading her gently to respond. She could feel his arms cradle her against him. He felt strong, and she felt safe and natural in his embrace. His fingers touching her face were tender, trailing whispery shadows over her cheekbones. Having him kiss her felt like the most natural thing in the world. It was a kiss. A tender gesture, tempting an answer but demanding none.
“Good night, Kate Starr. Sleep well,” he whispered against her hair. And then he was gone, a door separating them. For one incredible second she wanted to turn the knob on the door, but she didn’t.
On the other side of the door Gus waited, sensing her indecision. He felt like applauding her when he heard the door to her room open and then close. Instead he groaned.
How good Kate felt in his arms. The kiss had been just what he’d expected, too. But it wasn’t time for anything else. She was still too vulnerable, yet strong in so many ways. He liked it that she had confided in him. They were friends now, open and up front with one another. One step at a time, Stewart, he admonished himself. No game playing here. Games were for children, and more often than not they hurt rather than gave pleasure. Slow and easy, he cautioned himself. You like Kate Starr too much to ever step over the line she’s drawn. When and if the time was right, Kate will have to be the one to cross it, because she wanted to.
It was a spartan room, Gus thought as he shed his clothes. Was this considered the spare room, a room for Patrick Starr to sleep in if he ever came to visit? There was just the single bed with a navy-blue spread. Where would Kate and the girls have slept? Out of curiosity he lifted the sheets to check the mattress. It looked new to him, the covering shiny, the threads of the quilting intact. Was Patrick Starr as strange as his father? Kate said he didn’t compliment, preferring to criticize. He wished he’d known Kate Starr when she was young, and then he wished he was her age. When he laid his head on the firm pillow, he muttered, “I think I’m falling in love with you, Kate. I really think I am.”
Kate was frying bacon and talking on the phone when Gus walked into the kitchen next morning, fresh from the shower. She pointed to the coffeepot and the glass of orange juice she’d poured for him. He listened to her conversation because he had no other choice.
“I’ll be leaving at noon tomorrow. Don’t worry if you can’t pick me up at the airport, I can catch a cab. You’re sure now that there’s no change in Donald.... Ellie, I hate to say this, but doctors don’t know everything. What does Della say? Della is with him twenty-four hours a day.” She listened carefully as her daughter spoke. “I agree with Della, Donald has had enough poking and prodding. Give him a hug and kiss for me. Gus and I are going to Atlantic City for the afternoon. It’s only an hour and twenty minutes from here.... Yes, Ellie, I will play one slot for each of you and bring home your winnings in silver dollars.... Ellie, they didn’t . . . there wasn’t anything in the paper today about, you know, digging up the trunk, was there ... ? That’s right, I forgot about the time difference. Well, if there is, there’s nothing we can do about it anyway. I’d just prefer ... God, when is this going to be over?”
“Tomorrow morning,” Gus said, mouthing the words silently. Kate favored him with a dazzling smile. He felt light-headed when he sat down at the table. He wanted to kiss her again. He mouthed the words and grinned when her eyebrows shot upward. He almost laughed aloud when she dropped the spatula. Her face was pink when she bent down to pick it up. His own felt flushed.
“ ’Bye, honey,” Kate said, and hung up. She turned to him.
“So, how would you like your eggs—over easy, sunnyside up, or scrambled?” she asked briskly. No fooling around this morning, he thought. It must have something to do with talking to her daughter. He felt pleased with his observation.
“Over easy. I like to dunk.”
“Me too,” Kate said. “I like two cups of coffee when I have eggs. One for dunking the toast with the egg yolk, and a cup for drinking.”
“Me too, but I wasn’t going to say anything,” Gus said happily. “My mother said only slobs eat like that.” Kate laughed and poured out four cups of coffee.
They dunked and munched as they grinned at one another over their plates.
“Are we leaving the dishes today, too?” Kate giggled.<
br />
“Damn right. Let’s get this show on the road. Wait a minute,” he said, fishing in his wallet for money. “I’m going to need enough for gas and tolls.” He left a ten-dollar bill on the table. “I have forty dollars left. Kick me if I go past thirty-nine bucks.”
“Okay,” Kate said, and checked her own purse. “I need money for a taxi and buying some magazines, and I like to keep some change in my wallet. That gives me fifty-three dollars.” She laid a twenty-dollar bill on the table next to Gus’s ten. “Has it occurred to you,” she said impishly, “that with all the money you have in that New York bank, and my healthy bank account, we could take A.C. by storm?”
“We are high rollers. Ninety-two bucks between us. Let’s make a bet—are we going to be winners or losers today?”
“Winners!” Kate said enthusiastically.
“I agree. How big?”
Kate giggled. “I say we come home with double our money.”
“I say we come home with three hundred twelve dollars, and I hope you’re the big winner because you owe me dinner. Remember that promise you made, how long ago, seven years?”
“What I said was a hot dog and a soda pop. I didn’t forget.” God, was it a sin to be happy?
“You can take me to the Lobster Shanty if you win. Deal?”
“Deal.” Kate smiled.
“I have to leave here by seven, Kate. There will be miles of traffic for me going home. You look sad,” he said, pleased at the crestfallen look on her face.
“I guess I am. I’m missing you already. This has been such a nice weekend. I can’t remember when I’ve enjoyed myself more.”
“I can come to California to visit you. Not often, but if you invite me, I’ll come.”
“I’d like that, Gus, I really would.” The smile was back on her face and in her eyes. “Consider yourself invited. You have an open invitation.” She reached for his arm, and together they left the house, each wearing a wide smile that rivaled the sun.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
The stream of postcards, letters, and Hallmark greeting cards during the following months was constant. Kate’s voice sizzled over the long-distance wire to the tune of three to four hundred dollars a month. She and Gus were friends, staying in touch on a daily, sometimes twice-daily, basis. There simply weren’t enough hours in the day for either of them to make the three-thousand-mile trip to visit. On recommendations from previous customers, Kate found herself traveling to San Francisco, Sacramento, Los Angeles, and Nevada to quote prices and secure more work than she could handle. A second office in Los Angeles was being considered. On the East Coast, Gus Stewart was up to his hips in a crime investigation that threatened, according to the FBI, to go on forever.
“This friendship is costing me a great deal of money,” Kate muttered as she scanned her latest phone bill. “Good Lord, I couldn’t possibly have talked $533.12 worth in one month!” She looked around uneasily, to see if anyone had heard her comment. Della was busy folding laundry and Ellie was swimming her daily laps. Donald was propped up in the hospital bed in the family room so he could see out into the garden.
In the four months since her visit to New Jersey, Donald’s health had deteriorated alarmingly. Della steadfastly refused to sign him into a nursing home and insisted on taking care of him herself. At Kate’s insistence he had been moved to her house so she and Ellie could spell Della. A home health aide came in at nine in the evening and sat with Donald through the long night.
Della looked up from the pile of sheets she’d just folded. “He knew me for a little while today, Kate. He looked right at me and said, ‘You’re getting skinny, old girl.’ ”
“He’s right,” Kate said worriedly. “We need more help. We’re both so tired we can hardly stand up. I know you want to be the one to do for him, I do too, but we have to be realistic. If we wear ourselves down, we won’t be any good to Donald. I’m as worried about you as I am about him. None of us has the energy to eat anymore. Look at us! We’re skin and bones. I haven’t been to the office in three weeks. I’d breathe my own life into Donald if I could, you know that, Della. If it came right down to it, I think I’d give my life for that man. But he wouldn’t want this, and we both know it. Decisions are called for here, and you and I have to make them.”
“But, Kate, he knew me today,” Della said, her dark eyes filling with tears.
“And he knew me two days ago,” Kate said quietly. “Look at him, Della, at all those tubes and machines. If he were able to, he would rip them all out. Donald had such dignity. I think we should let him go. We’re being selfish. We have to think about Donald, not ourselves,” Kate said, wiping her eyes.
“Kate, I wouldn’t know what to do without him. How will I get through the days? You and Ellie don’t need me, but he does.” Della sobbed into a tissue.
“If I ever, ever, hear you say a thing like that again, I’ll—I’ll smack you. Do you hear me?” Kate shrilled. “I’m going to forget you said that. Now, you ... go wash your face and make some coffee. We’re going to talk when Ellie comes in. We’re going to—to do what’s best for Donald. Go on, Della.”
Tears dripped down Kate’s cheeks when she walked over to Donald’s bed. Her dearest friend in the whole world couldn’t breathe without his oxygen mask, couldn’t pee without the catheter, and because he couldn’t eat, was receiving glucose and other nutrients through his veins. His hands and feet were so crippled, his fingers and toes were curled backward. When they washed him, they dribbled warm water over his hands and feet. Just yesterday she’d seen Della blow-drying his feet, which were blue with cold. Her eyes fell on the neatly stacked pile of diapers with their sticky tabs.
She reached for Donald’s crippled hand, careful not to put any undue pressure on it. “The first time I saw you, Donald, I thought you were a derelict. I’m sorry for that awful thought. I’ve never known a kinder, more gentle, generous man in my life. For years I’ve wanted to do something for you, something that would bring a smile to your face, something to make you happy. I wish your son and daughter were here. I know God put you on this earth to take care of us. I believe that with all my heart. So, Donald dear, I think I finally figured out what it is I can do for you. Della won’t be able to do it, but I think I can. I’m going to send you to that ... that place where your son and daughter are waiting for you. I bet your son will be wearing his army uniform, and I bet when he sees you, he’s going to snap off a salute that will create a breeze.”
“Coffee’s ready, Kate,” Della said quietly as she entered. “Black and strong, just the way you like it.” She fussed with the sheet blanket, brushed at Donald’s sparse hair, tweaking a stray away from his ear. She continued to smooth the wrinkles on the blanket until Kate led her into the kitchen.
“Who’s watching Donald?” Ellie asked anxiously from the deck.
“He’s sleeping,” Della said.
“He’s comatose, Della.”
“I’ll sit with him,” Ellie said, reaching for a cup. “I’ll tell him a story the way he used to tell them to us. Sometimes he smiles. I know—like babies, it’s gas. But I don’t understand how it can be gas when he doesn’t eat. I prefer to think I’m amusing him. I don’t care how it sounds.”
Della sobbed quietly into the dish towel. Kate blew her nose.
“Della, this is what I think. . . .”
A long time later Della nodded. “You need to get back to the office. Ellie has to get on with her life.”
“Della, I don’t give a hoot about the office. I can close up shop right now and not look back. Ellie feels the same way. Donald is what’s important. You’re important. If we lose it all, so what? We were poor once before and we survived.”
“Yes, but only because of Donald. Without him we couldn’t have made it.”
“That’s debatable,” Kate said briskly. “Now, we’re both going to think about what I just said, and tomorrow morning the three of us are going to make a decision, and then we are going to act on that decision. You
know I’m right, Della. You sit with Donald and I’ll make us something for dinner.”
“Not tomato soup again,” Della pleaded.
“No, hot dogs with lots of mustard and relish. I’ll do them on the grill. And some of that macaroni and cheese that comes in a box.” Della shuddered. Kate smiled wanly.
“You look like you could use a friend, Mom, or at the very least, a massage,” Ellie said. “I’m going to clean the bathrooms. Why don’t you call your friend Gus?”
“That sounds like a good idea. Are you sure you don’t mind doing the bathrooms?”
“Mom, I live here. Della has her hands full. You’re going to make dinner. Do you think I’m going to just watch both of you? Leave the salad for me. Everything’s going to be okay.”
“No, it isn’t.”
“I meant with us. Go on, call your friend. Did anyone wash towels today?”
“Della has been doing Donald’s laundry. I was going to do them after dinner,” Kate said wearily.
“I’ll do them. Want me to turn on the grill?”
Kate nodded. She reached for the phone to dial Gus’s number. He sounded so pleased to hear from her that she felt better almost immediately. They talked for forty minutes, and twice Gus managed to make her laugh. “You’re doing the right thing, Kate,” he said before he said good-bye. “My turn next time.”
“Why did I cook this if no one is going to eat?” Kate grumbled half an hour later as she pushed her plate to the center of the table. “None of us can afford to lose much more weight.”
“Who’s going to call Betsy?” Ellie asked.
“I will, in a little while. I tried calling her the past several days, but there’s been no answer. I’ll try again around nine. Now, let’s get to it.”
Della nodded miserably. Ellie said, “I feel it’s the right thing to do. Did you call Donald’s doctor? He knows about his living will, doesn’t he?”
“Yes to both your questions,” Kate said quietly.
To Have and to Hold Page 17
