by K. A. Berg
Grabbing my phone, I dial the number I haven’t used in years before I change my mind.
It doesn’t take long for Alex’s groggy voice to come over the line. “Hello?”
I try to keep my voice even and sure as I answer. “Hey, it’s me.”
He sounds surprised as he asks, “Quinn? Is everything okay?”
“I know it’s really late, but I was wondering if I could come over.” My voice cracks, and I want to cry. It seems every time I see or talk to Alex lately, tears are a guarantee. He could tell me no. Why should he get up in the middle of the night to help me deal with my problems?
I hear the sheets rustling as he moves in bed. “Of course. Are you okay?”
“No, I told Jordan everything tonight and things didn’t go well at all. He left a few hours ago, pretty angry, and I could really use someone to talk to,” I admit, trying to keep the hitch out of my voice, but it doesn’t work. My voice cracks at the very end.
His concern is evident as he asks, “Are you sure you’re okay to drive? Do you want me to come to you?”
I’m a selfish bitch. I know I should let this man go so he can move on with his life, but even after all our time apart, he’s still the man I want by my side when things go awry. Maybe I am just like my dad.
“No, I’ve already woken you up in the middle of the night, I’ll come to you. Just text me the address.”
Thirty-five minutes later, I find myself walking into Alex’s apartment. I’m not sure why, but it feels like I’m invading a part of his life I don’t belong in. After everything we’ve been through, this is one place I haven’t tainted for him. I know Alex didn’t want me to marry Jordan, but that also doesn’t mean he wants me back in his life. He said his piece long before he came over the morning of the wedding. And he was only there as a favor to Ashley. Sure, he was there when I had my meltdown at the gym, but that was coincidence.
“I’m sorry for waking you up and dragging you out of bed, but I couldn’t think of anyone I could talk this through with,” I say as Alex closes the door behind me.
“It’s quite all right,” he assures me as he guides me into the kitchen. Two glasses sit on the counter. One with a dirty martini, I assume based on the olives, and the other a darker liquor, most likely Jack Daniels. “I figured you could use a drink since you don’t sound great. What happened?”
A laugh bubbles up as I grab the glass I know is for me. “You just happened to have the ingredients for a dirty martini lying around?”
“Don’t get too excited. It’s just vodka, some olive juice and an olive. It’s not bar quality,” he jokes as he grabs his own glass and ushers us into the living room.
I glance around the room taking it all in as I grab a seat on the far end of a large, brown sectional sofa. “Where’s Tiffany?”
“Sleeping. But don’t worry, she sleeps like the dead,” he informs me as he takes a seat in the middle of the couch. “What happened tonight, Quinn?”
Leaning my head back on the couch, I stare at the ceiling and take a deep breath. “I’m not entirely sure, but I know whatever it was wasn’t good. He was so hurt. So mad.”
“Well, you knew he was going to be mad.”
“Yeah, I know,” I agree, lifting my head. “But I didn’t think he was going to tell me he was in love with me.”
“I could’ve told you that,” Alex chuckles. “Did you honestly not see it?”
“No. I didn’t,” I snap at him. “Why would I think that? I’ve never given him any reason to think this was anything more than the arrangement we agreed upon.”
“Quinn,” Alex says, setting his drink down on the glass table in front of us. “You’re a very easy person to love once you let someone in. You and Jordan had this bond no one else knew about. You spent a lot of time together. You told each other your secrets and fears. You planned a life and a wedding together. How could you not think he might fall in love with you?”
“I’m so easy to love, huh? How’d loving me work out for you?” I bite out before I can think.
Fuck!
“I’m sorry, that was really a bitch thing to say,” I apologize immediately. “I’m just having a hard time wrapping my brain around this. How’d this happen? I never gave him the impression this was anything more.”
“Sometimes things just progress from one thing to another. There’s no explanation for them. But I’m pretty sure if he knew the whole truth about your dad, things might have been less misconstrued.”
Jordan’s words start to taunt me again as Alex makes his point. “He told me I’m just like my father. That I manipulated and used him.”
Alex’s eyes drill holes into mine as he speaks, “You know that isn’t true.”
“Isn’t it though?” I scoff.
“No, it’s not,” Alex says firmly.
“I did exactly what he said I did.” The tears begin streaming down my face and again I feel the realization of being just like the one person I hate the most. “I didn’t tell him because I knew there was a chance he wouldn’t want to get involved. Reputation is everything in finance. With my dad, you never know what could happen. So instead of risking him backing out, I didn’t tell him. I manipulated the situation to benefit myself.”
Alex moves his seat and sits down right next me. He tips my chin up and wipes away some of the wetness on my cheek with his thumb. “Did you intentionally set out to hurt Jordan?”
“Of course not,” I shake my head. “But I did.”
Alex pulls my head into his chest and wraps his strong arms around me, cradling my body against his. “That’s why you aren’t anything like your father. You didn’t do anything specifically to hurt Jordan. He knew you were using him, just like he was using you. But you weren’t malicious. Your father sets out to destroy anyone in his way and doesn’t bat an eyelash. I’m sure Jordan was just angry and said something stupid. We all do it. Give him time to cool down and cut him some slack. He’s hurt. He’s in love with you and you just told him you can’t marry him. I can understand how he feels. Just give him some space.”
As if I wasn’t feeling shitty enough, Alex had to remind me I’ve hurt him too. It’s a full-blown pity party as my next thought leaves my mouth. “Maybe I’m just a black cloud. Every man I let get close to me gets hurt.”
“I think it’s time you start thinking about letting someone help you navigate through all the bad in your life,” Alex suggests, as he rubs his hand up and down my back. “I’ll always be happy to listen to you, and I’m glad you called tonight, but I’m no therapist. You’ve got a lot much on your plate. So much stress. You have a lot of unresolved issues in your life, Quinn.”
“I don’t know,” I sigh into his t-shirt. “Sitting around talking about my feelings to a complete stranger has never been my thing. I can barely manage telling people I trust how I feel.”
“It’s never too late to try and better yourself, Quinn. You’ve made much more progress than you give yourself credit for. All by yourself. Imagine what you could do with some guidance from a professional. You’ve seen it help people. Just think about it, okay?”
Alex’s words make some sense. I’ve come this far on my own. Accepting help from a professional who deals with people with fucked up problems all the time couldn’t make anything worse. “Okay, I’ll think about it.”
Chapter Thirteen
Jordan
I look at my mother and even though I know she’s just trying to help, I want to scream!
“Your riddles aren’t actually helping me, Mom,” I complain as we sit down for lunch. I glance around the room hoping something pops out of nowhere giving me some kind of clue what the hell Mom is trying to get at. “All they’re doing is leaving me more confused.”
“They aren’t riddles, Jordan,” she says, her voice full of mirth as she fiddles with the stacked pearl bracelets on her wrist. “I’m just asking the abstract questions.”
Mom’s eyes don’t leave mine, even as she takes a bite of her panini. It�
��s like she’s waiting for something to click for me, I just don’t know what.
I spent all night in my childhood bedroom thinking about the question she asked about Quinn before heading to her room last night, and it still doesn’t make sense to me.
Taking a big breath, I dig deep down for all the patience I have left. Last thing I want to do is snap at my mother. “Of course, when I close my eyes I see Quinn. Pretty sure that’s because I love her. Don’t you agree?”
“I asked if when you closed your eyes and thought of the future, do you see Quinn?”
For real? “What difference does that make, Mom?”
“I’m not telling you I doubt you love Quinn. I believe you do. But do you see her, specifically as your wife, when you think of your future?”
Huh?
Nothing she says clears anything up for me. My brain feels like it’s about to explode, and Mom wants to talk me in circles. Why can’t she just come right out and say the words instead of beating around the bush?
I give her an answer as best as I can. “I guess, I mean, Quinn’s the only woman I’ve ever thought of as my wife.”
Mom’s lips turn up with a very warm smile as she nods. “That’s my point. You’ve only ever pictured this with Quinn. “
“So? Why’s that wrong?”
“It’s not wrong, honey,” she says. “But you’ve opened up to the idea of a life with someone. Just because it was Quinn who showed you the picture doesn’t mean she has to stand in it with you.”
Another damn metaphor.
“Jordan,” Mom continues, “do you know Quinn’s favorite color?”
What? “No. Why does that matter?”
“What about her dreams outside of work?”
“All she’s ever talked about was becoming successful enough to get away from her father.”
“What about why she hates him so much?” Mom’s eyebrows pique as she asks. “Why is their relationship this strained?”
“She doesn’t like talking about him. I’ve never really asked.”
I noticed the pattern and my heart starts to sink into my stomach.
“I don’t really know her at all.”
Mom’s head shakes in disagreement. “That’s not true. You know her, you care for her deeply, and I know you love her, but you don’t love her the way you think you do, sweetie. You didn’t have to work to get her to agree to marry you. It seems like everything was agreed upon like a business transaction.”
That’s not entirely true either. “I did have to work for her. Her trust didn’t come easy. She hated me at first.”
“You have her trust when it comes to work and this mess you’re dealing with, but she never gave you the trust that comes with spending your entire life with someone. It’s not what she wants. I don’t even think it’s what you really want, either. Loving her doesn’t mean you have to be in love with her. One day you’ll meet someone, and when the time comes, this conversation will make much more sense.”
My brain works quickly, trying to process what Mom’s trying to tell me. Seeing her point isn’t hard.
I didn’t have to work at having a relationship with Quinn. Mom’s right. Quinn never trusted me with anything beyond this ordeal. There’s never been a fire between us or even intimacy. In my mind, I thought that made us stronger because we had this connection that didn’t revolve around sex, a novelty for me. Truth of the matter is we didn’t have that level of trust. It should’ve been obvious.
“What am I supposed to do now?” I ask hanging my head in my hands. “I’ve been planning this whole life that isn't going to exist.”
“You move forward,” she replies with a sad smile. “You have to find a way to work through your feelings. It takes time, but I promise, you’ll be okay.”
“This sucks,” I sigh. “Why the hell do people do this to themselves?”
I didn’t mean for this to happen, but people actually go out looking for someone to spend their lives with. They fall in love only to have their hearts broken and sign back up to do it all again.
A fond look crosses Mom’s face. “Because when you find the real thing, you realize all the struggle and pain is worth it.”
“Yeah, well, don’t expect me to go out looking to do this again.”
Mom’s laugh fills the kitchen as she smiles ear to ear. “Oh stop. It’s not that bad, and I think you’ll bounce back quicker than you expect. But in the meantime, let’s figure out what to do about part two of the mess you kids are in.”
Chapter Fourteen
Quinn
My nerves run high making me jittery as the hostess takes me to our table. It’s pathetic when having a meal with my best friend makes me break out in a sweat. But I’m tired of keeping up with all the lying. Jordan knows the truth. Alex knows the truth. I think it’s time for me to tell Ashley the truth as well.
I’m hoping to release some more stress by telling Ash. I’m sure she’ll be extremely relieved to know there’s no more wedding. But I’m also worried. I’ve been lying about my relationship with Jordan to her and the chick can hold a grudge. With Jordan still not speaking to me, I really don’t want to alienate anyone else. But it’s time to stand up for myself.
I’m done being a pawn for my father. He’s not going to control what I do. Not anymore. I’m taking my life back. How I’m going to do that, I’m not one hundred percent sure. But I’m starting tonight with telling Ashley the entire truth.
Ashley’s not here yet, so I sit and order a glass of wine. Hopefully it’ll calm me down. I need a little liquid courage. I’ve been holding this in for so long, keeping it to myself, afraid to tell anyone, and now in the matter of a week I’ve told the full truth to Alex and Jordan. The sky hasn’t fallen yet. Telling Ashley should hopefully kill this lie. She’s the last one who really needs to know.
“You look deep in thought.” Ashley’s voice startles me. “I hope you weren’t planning my murder for helping Tanner last week.”
I smile up at her, happy to hear the easy banter flow from her mouth. I’ve missed this. It’s been a while since there wasn’t any underlying hostility between us. It’s nice. “If it was just you, then you’d have something to worry about. I draw the line at double homicide.”
“Phew, now I can stuff my face without having to watch my back,” she laughs as she takes a seat in the chair across from me. “Not that I’m not thrilled to be out to lunch with you, but what’s the occasion?”
The last six months aside, I’ve never needed a reason to go out with Ash. The fact she’s even asking why we’re here is a big reason why this conversation is long overdue. We’ve fallen so far. Yes, she came around regarding the wedding and we called a truce to the constant battling, but it didn’t fix things. There’s still a giant ocean between us.
“I owe you a lot of answers.”
The minute the admission is out of my mouth, her head darts up from placing her napkin in her lap. Her undivided attention is on me, so I continue.
“I’ve been lying to you and avoiding you because of those lies. I need to take control back. It’s time I told you the truth about everything.”
I watch the tears well in her eyes as she processes what I’m saying. Then as quickly as they began to form, her tears dry up and she shocks the hell out of me. “I could’ve made it easier for you to come to me. I understand why you didn’t tell me.”
“There’s lots I didn’t tell anyone.”
Half an hour later, I feel worlds better. I spilled everything. A myriad of emotions played across Ash’s face as she listened to the details of what I’ve been dealing with. She went from sad to angry to outraged back to sad again. I’m glad I don’t have any intentions of having children because I don’t know how any woman handles the flood of hormones that come with pregnancy.
“Have you given any thought to maybe seeing someone to help you process what you’re feeling?” she asks as our waiter delivers the huge piece of tiramisu Ashley demanded we have before leaving. “You’ve
made a huge step in telling all of us the truth, but your dad has done a number on you. I think it could do you some good to have someone help you break free of the hold he’s had on you. Someone to help you figure out how to be your own person.”
I’ve been giving it some serious consideration since Alex said something the other night. Ashley’s a therapy success story. She was against talking with her therapist when Tanner and I forced her to see one, but in the end, it helped her to the light at the end of her tunnel.
“It’s crossed my mind a time or two,” I confess averting my eyes, unsure of why I feel like admitting it makes me weak. There’s nothing wrong needing help to work your way to some clarity. I just never thought I’d be one of those people. I was always so sure I was in control of everything.
As if she can hear the battle going on inside my head, Ashley reaches across the table placing her hand in mine and gives me a reassuring squeeze. “You’ve already conquered half the battle. You’ve owned up to your mistakes and made things right the best you can. But you’re going to need someone to guide you to a place where you feel good about life again. You’re one of the best people I know. Strong. Confident. Intelligent. Loyal. Beautiful. I just want to see you in a place where you’re happy.”
Happiness. It’s something I haven’t had in a very long time. I wouldn’t mind having it again.
“I know. It’s just … I know I’m fucked up. I’m not looking forward to having someone point out just how much.” I’ve adapted to fit into a world I don’t like and making changes to get to where I want to be is going to be brutal.
Ash shakes her head vigorously in disagreement. “You’re not fucked up. You’re lost inside your own mind. It happens to the best of us. You need someone to lead you in the best direction for you.”
I think about what she’s just said. I’m lost inside my own mind. It’s a pretty spot on assessment. There are so many conflicting thoughts and emotions raging inside me. Part of me wants to go one way and part of me wants to go the other. I don’t know what’s fact and fiction anymore.
