“Three more days I hear.”
“Yeah.”
“Excited?”
The image of my mother briefly flashed before my eyes. Blinking it away, I quickly answered, “More like ready.”
Carl chuckled. Something in me flared. I didn’t like how he kept staring at me. How he seemed to know too much about me. How he kept grinning and chuckling, as if I were some cute form of entertainment for him. I tried to speed up my pace, but the crowd in front of me blocked my path, keeping Carl glued to my side.
“You know, you can get a job in here.”
I almost laughed. “Why would I want to work in here?”
“Oh trust me, there are perks.” Carl scanned the crowd around him, his hand resting lightly on the holstered gun. “You don’t have to work in the blocks. There are office jobs. Higher up.”
“Isn’t that where you worked?”
Carl turned his eyes to me, the hint of alarm flashing on his face before it was covered with his usual coolness. “I got bored. There is more incentive down here. For me. But for you…” He scanned me again with those eyes. I suddenly felt naked and vulnerable. “There are many positions that would work for you.”
Wrapping my arms tightly around myself, I turned my head forward, focusing on the crowd ahead. I wished it would move faster. It seemed like the harder I wished, the more it slowed. I could feel Carl watching me, his eyes searing me with their mocking stare.
“I think it would be good for you,” he said. I didn’t answer, keeping my eyes fastened ahead. “I think you should take a job here.”
We finally got to the walkway for my block. The crowd dissipated enough to let me quicken my step. Carl sped up, keeping up in stride with me. He waved his hand slightly at the guard waiting by the door. The guard, his hand gripping the scanning device, slowly nodded as we passed.
I began to count the cells, my eyes glued to the ground as I pushed toward to my cell. I felt Carl’s hand grip my elbow, holding it in a firm clamp. The urge to shake him off grew. I tensed my arm, ready to pull it away from his grasp. Then I remembered: Carl was a guard. If I shook him off, he could take that as resistance to authority. I couldn’t risk that.
Carl pulled me to a stop. He stepped behind me, leaning his face close. Keeping my eyes on my cell, now in view, I tried to ignore the feel of his breath on my neck. “Why don’t you like me, Millie?”
“What?” I turned my face slightly to look at him. He was leaning close, too close, his breath now on my cheek. “You’re a GF. A Guard. I −”
“And?” His voice was soft and low, rolling into my ear. I locked eyes with him a moment, his blue eyes chilling my soul. They cut into me, demanding an answer.
I shrugged.
Carl glanced behind us a moment. There were no other people on the walk, the path oddly empty. Moving closer, I felt his body brush mine. “I’m not all that bad, Millie. You just need to let me show you that.” Lifting a finger, he tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
I sucked in a deep breath and turned my head back toward my cell. It called to me, offering me a momentary escape from Carl’s warm breath and piercing eyes. I inched forward. A couple, their chatter low and casual, passed on the walk. Carl moved away a few feet, standing behind me where I couldn’t see him.
“I want to get to know you better,” Carl said, his voice rumbling in his throat.
It felt as if the very blood in my veins ran cold. Even those passing nearby wouldn’t be able to hear him. To them, he was just a guard assisting me into my cell.
Without lifting my eyes, I muttered a quick “Thank you” and stepped inside. I didn’t want him to see the terror in my eyes or the sudden paleness of my face.
“Just think about it, Millie,” he said to my back. I didn’t move. After a time, I dared a glance over my shoulder. I slowly turned my chin, my back still rigid, my feet still cemented to the ground.
Carl was gone.
6
I couldn’t sleep.
Every time I closed my eyes, I saw my mother. Blood dripped down her arms, her eyes strangely sharp and focused as the blade glinted in her trembling hands. My eyes would snap open, then slowly drift back shut, only to see Carl’s grinning face, his focused eyes as they watched me.
I had already been lying in my bunk when my parents finally crept back into the cell that night. Turning my head slightly, I saw my mother glance up at my bunk. My father moved a step closer, his mouth opening as if he had something to say. Then they both looked away together, my father’s shoulders sinking.
Dinner slid under the door. I still didn’t move. I listened as my parent’s ate in silence. The crunch of the stale bread and slurp of applesauce didn’t entice me to ask for my plate. After they rinsed the plates they crawled onto their thin mattress. No one spoke the entire night. Time passed and I could hear the light snore of my father as he finally drifted into sleep. A soft, stifled sob escaped my mother, then she too fell silent as night claimed her.
The darkness of the cell didn’t help to ease my tense body. As I lay on my back, staring into the dark ceiling above me, I felt completely alone. It wasn’t the alone I longed for, the alone that I relished as I dreamed of the open field and blue skies. I felt betrayed. Forgotten. All the years of my parents acting meek and gentle were washed away as I realized, somewhere inside of each of them, they truly were the monsters I had been in denial of. They had killed people, and didn’t even regret it.
My eyes burned from staring at the ceiling. I felt as if I were searching for a hole to suck me in and let my disappearance become complete. It never happened. I could still feel the hard bunk beneath me. I could still hear the murmur of the block settling down for another night in this hell.
The final buzz of the night cut through the air and the door to the cell quickly snapped shut.
I gave up.
Quietly, I climbed down from the bunk. I knew my parents were asleep, but I didn’t want to chance accidentally waking one up. The idea of facing them right now made my stomach churn.
“942, is everything alright?”
I didn’t answer. I could hear the shift of feet outside the cell door as the nurses moved closer. Someone wrapped their knuckles on the metal.
“942B?”
“Yeah, we are fine.” I glanced at my parents, their snores already rolling from their parted lips. “Just tired.”
The pills, nestled in their small cups, were pushed under the door. I could hear the nurses hurry away without another word.
Lying down next to the door, I let the soft glow of the light envelope me. The coolness of the ground felt good on my almost fevered body. I pushed the pill cups away, watching as one tipped over and spilled its two pills across the ground. I didn’t move to clean it up. Opening my notebook to a blank page, I froze, staring at its empty lines. The idea of fishing tonight suddenly drained me of any energy I had thought I had.
Footsteps sounded down the walk. I listened to the boots click on the ground, gradually growing louder as they neared my cell. Then the footsteps stopped. I froze, holding my breath. It wasn’t against the rules to be out of bed after lights out. That didn’t stop the guards from insisting though.
“Millie?”
Letting out my breath in a gush, I felt a smile spread on my face for the first time in hours. “Jude GF4, is that you?” I whispered.
Out of the slit at the bottom of the door I saw a shadow move, then suddenly a face appeared. He smiled at me, his white teeth glowing in the dim light. “Hey there, jail-bird.”
Jude was a few years older than me. He had been working night shift at the jail three years now, ever since they had allowed him to don the vest and boots. I had never seen him work day. And to be honest, I was happy about it. Jude didn’t seem like a guard to me. He always stopped near the cells where people cried inside, and asked if everything was alright. His smile was real, never full of a hidden agenda.
He was, in my own twisted, strange way, a friend.
He settled himself on the ground outside my cell, looking in both directions first to make sure no one was approaching. “Vacation.” He smiled and winked. “Just wait ‘till you get to discover that perk.”
I felt a laugh escape my lips. It felt good to feel it tickle my throat and chest. “Where did you go?”
“Absolutely nowhere. I sat in my house, slept when I wanted to, ate when I wanted to, and read way too many books. It was awesome.” I didn’t admit it to Jude, but that sounded too much like heaven to me to believe it could be real. “So, you ready for the big day?”
I rolled my eyes. “I am ready for everyone to stop asking me that.”
“Well, you better bite the bullet and stay good. I want to see you outside these walls, not locked in a cell of your own.”
I chuckled again. “Hey, Jude…” I stopped when I heard him laugh. “Okay, really, why do you laugh every time I say that?”
“Right, I guess you don’t get the joke. Here.” I could hear Jude roll to his side for a moment, wrestling something from a pocket. Flipping on his flashlight, I could suddenly see his face clearly. His eyes were big, always seeming to smile, his face smooth and clean. Shaggy light brown hair hung on his forehead, moving back and forth as he fidgeted with something in his hands. With a smile on his face, he held a small ball out to me, a thin spike of metal sticking from its side.
I looked at it doubtfully.
“You put it in your ear, Millie. It’s called a headphone.” Taking it delicately between my thumb and index finger, I pulled it up and placed it in my ear. It felt strange to lie so close to the opening of the door, the earphone in my ear, Jude’s face only inches away. I watched as he shoved the other small headphone into his ear, then fiddled with a little box that he held in his hands. I started to giggle at the sight of the metal spike sticking out from his ear, but stopped as my own ear suddenly vibrated.
Something crackled in my ear. I heard Jude mumble something, the crackling getting louder as he fiddled with the small box. “Scoot closer, Millie. Reception in here sucks.”
I inched forward, my head pressing against the bottom of the door.
Snips of music suddenly vibrated in my ear. A few seconds of a song played, then Jude hit a button and it skipped to another melody. My eyes shot open, my mouth watering for the music to continue. Finally a song started and Jude smiled, letting his thumb rest on the side of the little box.
“Hey Jude, don’t make it bad. Sing this sad song and make it better...”
I could hear the sound of a man’s voice softly singing. About Jude. Amazed, I shoved the headphone deeper into my ear, taking in the words, the strum of music, the gentle rolling rhythms. Rolling onto my back, I let the music envelope me and carry me away. It was beautiful.
Jude didn’t move. I could see him smiling, his eyes closed as he listened to the song. It finally came to an end, the music fading out into nothingness. Jude hit a button on the box and let his eyes open to look at me.
“The group is called The Beatles. They were real big, popular, way back in the day. My mom still loves them. I guess her mom listened to them a whole heck of ton. So when I was born… she named me Jude.”
I smiled. “I like it.” Catching myself, I licked my lips. “The song. I like the song.”
“Me too.” Jude rolled to his side, part of his face disappearing into the walkway’s shadows. “Listening to it makes me think of her. I miss her.”
“Where is she?” I asked tentatively.
“My mom? Last I heard, it was Canada.”
I could feel my body stiffen. “Canada?”
Jude let out a chuckle, his face still hidden in the shadows. I could see his eyes, the smile still glittering on their surface. “A few years back, just before I joined up in the Guard Force, my family decided to leave. They didn’t agree with the Nation. With the Wall.
“I grew up in a beach house.” Jude rolled back toward me. His face lit up in the dim light. “Well, it was supposed to be a beach house. It was big, with a wrap-around porch, even a whale that spun up on the roof with the wind. The Wall though… they had to build it right behind the house. I could hear the beach every day, but I never saw it. My mom said we had a door we could use to go to the beach… but it just seemed useless. I guess it got useless enough that they decided to leave.”
Jude fiddled with the little music box, spinning it between his fingers. I inched closer to the door again, the cool metal pressing against my forehead. “Why didn’t you go with them? Why didn’t you leave the Nation?”
“Couldn’t.” Jude smiled at me. “My family definitely had the money to get anywhere they wanted. There was never an issue there. But I have always had this feeling that I needed to do something. I know I can do some good, I just need the chance.”
“So you became a GF?”
Jude chuckled. I could see the shadow of his hand sweep across his face, as if painting his words in the air. “Guard Force, prison number 4. A permanent name change and a high risk job, with all the perks that low pay can offer you.” I heard his hand drop back to his chest. He let out a soft sigh. “Can you believe that there are three more prisons out there in the Nation, just like this one?”
I didn’t answer. Spokane was huge, with its constantly expanding walls and packed cells. It was too hard to believe that there were three other prisons just like it. Each corner of the Nation, stamped with a prison. I slowly shook my head, trying to chase the thought away. Something about it caused my stomach to tighten.
We lay on the ground in silence for a moment. I could hear Jude’s steady breathing, his finger as it aimlessly tapped against his armored vest.
“Do you hear from them? From your family?” I finally asked.
Jude didn’t respond right away. I thought I could see a shadow pass over his face. His lips seemed to tighten, his eyes blinking faster. Then it passed as quickly as it had come. “No.”
“What is the Wall like?”
Jude chuckled. “It’s a wall, Millie. A very large, very cold wall. You can see it stretch into the distance in both directions, and you never see the beach. You just hear it.” Jude let out a sigh, rolling onto his back. His face disappeared into shadows. “But it protects us. Our great Nation built it to keep the good in and the evil out. We are in our sanctuary.”
I recognized the words. They were the exact words that were printed in all of my school books. Dr. Eriks repeated those words to me in almost every session. I felt my lips moving along with his, silently reciting them.
“We are the good,” Jude said softly.
“And the strong,” I whispered back, tears trying to sting my eyes.
Jude let out a sharp breath of air, then rolled back to face me. “What were you going to ask me? Before I interrupted you and corrupted you with music?”
I didn’t respond.
Jude spun the music player in his fingers again, then waved it at me. He smiled. “Want to hear more?”
“Really?” My voice came out too loud and I quickly glanced up to my parents. My mother stirred, then settled back into sleep.
Jude glanced at a watch on his wrist. “Yeah, I have some time. Think of it as an early birthday present.” With that, he hit the button. Music flooded into my ears again. I laid my cheek on the ground, letting the sounds envelope me as my eyes closed. I was floating, carried away once more by the music.
I could hear Jude humming along, and I let my voice quietly join his. My smile felt warm and welcome. I couldn’t imagine it leaving my face in that moment, even if I wanted it to. My eyes grew heavy, my breathing calming as the songs lulled me to sleep. I didn’t feel it as Jude tugged the piece out of my ear and disappeared to rejoin his shift. I didn’t notice the cold floor or the dim light. In my head, I listened to the endless music as sleep finally claimed me and whisked me away into empty dreams.
| | |
The pool of drool under my cheek woke me up. Blinking my eyes, I
lifted my head and looked around. Every inch of my body hurt. Pulling myself up, I felt the pain in my hips flare from sleeping on the hard ground. My hand wiped the drool off my cheek as I moved to stand in front of the metal mirror.
The music still played in my head. I could see Jude smiling as his song played over and over. I found myself wishing that more people could be like Jude. Somehow, even though we hadn’t seen each other for weeks, he knew the exact gift to give me to chase away the nightmares that had stayed fastened before my eyes.
Shaking my head, I turned on the water and splashed my face. The air was warm, leaving a sheen of sweat on my body regardless of the fact that I had been sleeping on the always cold ground. The heat would be dying out soon, quickly erasing into a chill that blankets and jackets would never chase away as autumn crept in. Wiping the water from my face, I crawled up onto my bunk and slumped against the wall.
The buzz cut through the air, announcing morning. The doors suddenly clicked, then slid open. I could hear my parents stirring in their bunk below me. Before they stood, I quickly curled onto my side and closed my eyes into slits. I could see my father stand and look at me, his shoulders sagging. He moved to the sink and let the water run over his hands before splashing it on his scruffy face.
My mother stood, moved to the center of the room, then suddenly spun and looked straight at me. I was sure she knew that I was awake. I didn’t move. I slowed my breathing to even, long draws and stared at her out of the slits of my eyelids. She just stood and watched me, a strange mix of confusion and pain painted across her tired face.
“942B,” a voice suddenly cut into the air.
Both of my parents jumped in fright, then quickly spun to face the guard who stood in the door. I didn’t need to sit up to know who it was. I could hear the smirk in his voice. The pierce of his gaze sent strange shivers down my entire body.
Prison Nation Page 6
