by Foster, Lily
Copyright © 2017 Lily Foster
Let Me Fall
By Lily Foster
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any other manner without the express written permission of the author.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living and dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
Book Cover Typography: Scarlett Rugers Design www.scarlettrugers.com
Interior Formatting: Elaine York/Allusion Graphics
IBSN978-0-9905941-8-5 (print)
IBSN978-0-9905941-9-2 (e-book)
Other Titles by Lily Foster
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty One
Chapter Twenty Two
Chapter Twenty Three
Chapter Twenty Four
Thank You
Let Me Be the One
Book One: Darcy and Tom’s story
Let Me Love You
Book Two: Rene and Caleb’s story
Let Me Go
Book Three: Kasia and Dylan’s story
Let Me Heal Your Heart
Book Four: Anna and Declan’s story
I wasn’t a fool.
I knew what was being said about me, if the wary side glances and stifled giggles were anything to go on. But I could hear them now and, dear Lord, it made the words cut so much deeper.
“Aubrey, I feel so bad for you.”
“Talk about losing the housing lottery,” another chimed in.
My roommate let out a weary sigh for sympathy and then practically whimpered, “I’m, like, afraid to go to sleep at night. It’s so eerie. She’s like a character right out of The Walking Dead.”
I could just imagine Aubrey in that moment, wide-eyed, drawing everyone in around the campfire—like she was gearing up to spook them with the really gruesome part of the ghost story. I could hear her damn gum snapping from the other side of the door, and could easily conjure up a visual of her mouth moving lazily, chewing in her very own irritating way, like a dumb effing billy goat.
“I don’t think she’s washed her hair more than two times since we’ve been here.”
“Gross!” both of her minions shrieked in unison before they all broke out in a cruel fit of laughter.
“I don’t want to be mean,” she insisted. Oh come on, Aubrey, sure you do. “But Carolyn is just so…odd. This isn’t what I signed up for.”
I pulled a few long, stringy, brown strands in front of my face and examined them, running them between my fingers. I’d been away at school for nearly five weeks now. Washed my hair twice? No, I could definitely recall three, possibly four washings.
I crossed the room and stood before the full-length mirror, looking at this girl for the first time in God knows how long. Who are you? I took in the gaunt, hollow cheeks, the wan complexion, the cracked, chapped lips and the shapeless clothes that hung off my too-thin frame.
This was what you wanted, dummy…you wanted to get as far away from there as possible, remember? I do remember a burning need to escape. It drove me to follow through on my plan, even though I knew I wasn’t on the most stable ground, mental health-wise. But now, standing in my room alone, listening to all of them talk about me as if I was some sort of freak? It made me miss home desperately
I missed my mother and father. I missed the way they took care of me, surrounded me in a cocoon of safety, love and care. I missed my little brother, Tommy, although at some point during the past six months he’d gone from idolizing his older sister to looking at me with a queasy sense of both fear and embarrassment.
I looked around this room. My side was barren, prison-cell chic, while Aubrey’s side looked as if some bubble gum, sunshine, sparkle and happiness-inspired apparatus had crop-dusted over her belongings. Aside from the black satin comforter, which I can only assume was meant to communicate to her male suitors that she had a dark and naughty side, most everything was pink—hot, nauseating pink. She dressed pretty well but her interior decorating instincts were for shit.
The wall above her bed had a massive collage of photos, each one picked to highlight how beautiful, popular and perfect she was. Since I didn’t spend much time outside of the room after classes, I often found myself studying the pictures. Handsome boys with athletic builds draped their arms around Aubrey, gazing at her, wanting her. A group of girlfriends, dressed in cheerleading uniforms, hamming it up for the camera. There was a prom picture too. A boy who looked like he was straight out of central casting for drop-dead gorgeous homecoming king-type was dressed in a fitted tux, his eyes fixed on the ample cleavage spilling out of Aubrey’s hot pink bodice. Believe it or not, Aubrey, you and I probably would have been besties in high school. The thought tasted bitter and it stung, like bile rising up my throat.
Really, Aubrey was as much of an anomaly around here as I was. I mean, this was a seriously competitive school—one of the hardest to gain admittance into on the East Coast. There weren’t many head cheerleader-Barbie types like her around. Most of the students here were sophisticated, albeit bookish types. You had your hipsters, your artsy kids, intelligent jocks and loners also. I guess I fit into that last segment of the campus population. But I’ll be honest, even among that group I was more seriously messed up than anyone else I observed from my perch, overlooking the quaint courtyard from my second story window.
We couldn’t have been more mismatched as roommates even if someone was intentionally trying to pair freshmen up to ensure certain misery. I was now awkward, quiet and easily rattled. Aubrey, in contrast, was socially outgoing, bubbly—a natural and skilled networker. While I had not managed so much as a “hello” to one other human in the past five weeks, Aubrey had secured herself an entire circle of BFFs and she’d had no less than three romantic encounters.
I was already in bed by the time she’d come back to the room, giggling and buzzing with these boys because, no, I hadn’t made it to one party. I therefore had the pleasure of listening to Aubrey and her paramours bump, grind and moan. It was excruciating. Not because I was a prude or anything, but because it made it even more obvious to me that I was, in fact, an absolute weirdo.
One of those nights I overheard a semi-thoughtful boy whisper to Aubrey, “Yeah? You wanna do it with your roommate right there?”
Tipsy Aubrey giggled, shucking off her jeans. “Who cares? It’s like I don’t even have a roommate.”
Exactly.
I wasn’t even here.
I didn’t exist.
I remember the screaming—it went on and on, ragged and rage-filled. A welcome silence followed by the relentless pounding of fists against a door. Sparkling bits and pieces—the shards of glass refracting light in a really beautiful way. I remember red, so much red. Red splattered and smeared across every square inch of that damn photo collage.
I didn’t remember the sirens or the police restraining me.
I didn’t remember what I had done.
They filled me in on all that later.
Two years ago…
They’d all been talking shit before I even showed up for the first day of tryouts. No one walked onto varsity as a junior. They’d all paid their dues freshman and sophomore years. They’d all earned their positions…whatever. I was walking on and they all knew it.
I was seventeen, a full year older than most of the other juniors, thanks to being held back in the second grade. I was already well over six feet tall and I was not lanky or scrawny by any means. I’d been shaving since eighth grade and by now, was easily mistaken for being nineteen or twenty.
The decision to come to Westerly High was not mine. Apparently, my specialized private school tuition cost the state upwards of sixty-thousand a year. During my last annual review, the school district administrators, much like a prison parole board, deemed I was now fit to re-enter society. Academically and socially, I was considered rehabilitated.
I was furious…scared really. I didn’t want to go back to a place where I knew every day would be a struggle. My teachers reassured me that I was ready. I was doubtful.
The one and only incentive I had for returning was football.
First morning of practice and the August sun is beating down on me as soon as I leave the air conditioned cocoon of my truck. My ’97 Chevy is old and rusty but there’s enough freon in its AC to freeze a side of beef. I let myself delay cranking open the cab’s worn, rusted door for five full minutes. I figured a pep talk of the no fear… yield to no one…strike hard variety was in order.
“If he’s as good as they say he is, then sorry, but fair’s fair.”
Tall and slim, with a haircut right out of some prepster store catalogue, I’d pegged him as the quarterback. A beefy, angry looking kid—pegged him as a linebacker—challenged him sarcastically, “Loyalty counts for nothing, right Spence?”
“We’re here to win games,” Spence answered leisurely, lacing up his cleats, “not to give out prizes for fucking loyalty.”
They caught site of me standing there, promptly clammed up and went back to the business of suiting up. I was trying not to feel awkward but I was standing there with all my gear and had no idea where to settle in. For all my bravado, arriving somewhere you’re clearly not wanted sucks, even on the best of days.
I looked towards Spence, figuring he was a potential ally, but when he locked eyes with me and then looked away without so much as a head nod, I figured I was on my own. That’s all right. I don’t need any of these pansy ass bitches for friends.
I’d read last year’s roster on line one night when I was looking for some information on the coaching staff. All but a few of the players had douchebag first names: Spencer, Emory, Parker, Chase, Landon…what the fuck? Your typical wealthy, stuck-up pricks. I always had a take-no-prisoners attitude on the field but now I’d be out for blood.
I turned towards a deserted section of the locker room, figuring I could find an unoccupied locker to stash my gear. “Hey,” I heard someone say behind me.
This one was close to my height, leaner build, friendly face—not that I was looking for friends at this point. I tried my best to affect an I don’t give a shit attitude. “Hey.”
“Do you have a lock?” When I shook my head, he handed me one. “Take this, it’s an extra. I wouldn’t leave my shit unattended. You’re not the most popular guy at the moment.”
“I can see that.”
“I’m Will Clarke,” he said, extending his hand. “You’re Jeremy, right? I remember you from Driscoll Elementary.”
“Yeah,” I said, shaking his hand, “Jeremy Rivers.”
“You left in what, fifth or sixth grade? Did you move away or something?”
I heard some asshole cough into his hand as he mumbled loudly, “Juvie.”
That elicited a few laughs and sneers. So that’s where all these fucktards thought I’d gone? Made sense, I guess. I did leave Driscoll on a pretty low note.
“See you out there,” Will said with a sympathetic look as he backed away.
The air felt muggy and thick. The sun blazed without any breeze to take the edge off. I was always in top condition and I’d been running sprints and doing stair drills at a punishing pace all summer long, but today was rough. Not nearly as tough for me as it was for some of the others, who had obviously been spending the summer hanging out poolside and sucking down booze from their daddies’ liquor cabinets.
As we filed back into the locker room, I could feel a few of the guys actively hating on me. The negative vibe was hanging in the air. One kid I’d consistently burned during sprints and receiving drills purposely pushed into me, nearly knocking me off balance as he made his way past me down the narrow locker room aisle. This shit was not starting today. I reached out and grabbed the collar of his jersey, jerking him back slightly. “I wouldn’t do that again,” I said evenly, leveling him with a menacing look.
In truth, I was scared shitless, fairly certain that forty guys were about to jump me and start beating the shit outta me at that very moment. But I knew better than to show fear.
“Do what again?” he challenged.
I turned my attention back to the locker, attempting to appear bored. “You heard what I said. I don’t think I need to repeat it.”
I wasn’t looking to start anything but I wasn’t backing down either. I knew I had to watch it here. I had a past in this school district; one misstep and I’d be out. But I wasn’t a pussy. Anyone who messed with me had better be ready to back it up.
Spencer Davies’ interest was piqued now. “Aw, throwing a tantrum, Baker? You just got smoked, plain and simple. Deal with it.”
“Fuck you, Spence,” Baker shot back.
“You’re the one getting fucked, Baker. Just fucked yourself right outta your starting position.” With that, Baker slammed his locker loudly and went for the showers.
“It must be nice,” another moron chimed in, “strolling right in and passing by seniors who’ve sweated on that field for years, earning their way onto this team.”
“Holy shit, Chase, you sound like a fucking drama queen,” Will said, exasperated.
“It’s Chase’s time of the month,” another guy added. A few of the guys laughed then, easing the mood in the locker room.
The first two weeks were the same: I’d outperform my competition at practice, shrug off the hatred and ignore the snide remarks. No one actually ever stepped up to me. I had a reputation earned long ago. When you punch a teacher out, people tend to remember. So they taunted from afar, never fearless enough to challenge me directly. My therapist would have been proud if she’d witnessed how I was putting my anger management techniques into practice every minute of every fucking day I was around these guys.
They weren’t all bad. Will Clarke, Drew Oliver and Mike Hanson weren’t exactly my new best buddies that fall but they didn’t support the few guys that were campaigning to make my time at Westerly High unpleasant. These guys respected my ability and despite my bad reputation, gave me the benefit of a fresh start.
Just the same, I gravitated towards the rougher element. My friends were the pot smokers, the class cutters, behavior problems and occasionally, the petty thieves. Keep in mind this was one of the most affluent suburbs in the country, so behavior problems were fairly mild in comparison to say…anywhere else in the world. For the most part, these kids were do-gooders. You had your occasional over-privileged, unsupervised kid looking to get back at mommy and daddy by developing an alcohol or meth problem, but overall it was pretty tame.
I felt more comfortable on the periphery, on the fringes. Always had. In this town, I was an outsider from day one and I knew it.
“How did it go today?”
“It went, Dad.”
It took some effort to calm the scowl, but I managed a genuine smile as I slid the salmon from the sauté pan onto our plates.
“Another gourmet meal. What have we got here?” my father asked, taking his seat at the table.
“Panko crusted salmon over quinoa with pancetta and balsamic glazed brussel sprouts.”
“Like I have a choice,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “Your repertoire is limited to grilled cheese sandwiches.”
He laughed warmly. “Yup. Your mother, though,” he said reverently, “you take after her. That woman could cook. Every night I’d drive home from work looking forward to tasting what she’d whipped up. I loved the smell…bread baking or onions frying…just that home-cooking I’d get a whiff of when I walked through the door. She truly enjoyed cooking, just like you.”
I nodded and then we ate in comfortable silence. As we cleared the table together and loaded the dishwasher, I told my dad about the days’ drills, what I thought I did well and where I thought I could improve.
“What are your teammates like?”
“Not my teammates yet, Dad.” I let out a breath. “I don’t suppose I’d be too enamored with me if I was one of them. I’m bigger than most of them and I’m faster. They see me as a threat.” Then I let all of my pent up aggravation and fear come out. “And I’d rather eat glass than be in that school anyway, you know? All those stuck-up assholes…and the work,” I added, shaking my head. “You know it’s gonna be too hard for me.”
My father was quiet for a moment. He understood my fear—he’d lived with it, still struggled with it himself. “I don’t imagine any of this will be easy on you, but I do think it’s all going to work out just fine, Jeremy. I feel it in my heart.”
My father was good like that, supportive, and he always made me feel like he was right in there, taking the blows and fighting alongside me.
Us against the world.
It was just me and my dad in the small brick house that sat at the edge of this massive property. The house was larger than the one we left, even though these were technically servants’ quarters. It was quiet here. In those first few years, sometimes it was too quiet.
