by Foster, Lily
“Easy. Don’t assume what you don’t know,” Tori scolded me. “Jeremy is a good person. He doesn’t go around banging married women.”
Beth had a woman’s body and I’m sure she was very experienced. It made me burn, thinking that Jeremy had been with her. Jeremy and I, when all was said and done, had not done much beyond kissing. I was jealous, pure and simple. “Beth kind of implies otherwise, no?”
Tori set about tying the bow atop her basket in earnest. Her lips were pursed in a thin line. She finally broke her silence after a few moments. “Please know I’m saying this with love in my heart, all right, but I will not listen to you talk shit about him. He was crazy about you and he was devastated after everything that happened, too. You weren’t the only one grieving, you know? We all were.” Meeting my eyes, she said, “He was in a lot of pain when he lost you. Do you realize that?”
I felt one hot tear slip down my cheek. I knew what Tori was really saying. For the longest time I only thought about my pain, my grief…my shame. I knew I had abandoned him and everyone else. I couldn’t see that then but I could see it very clearly now.
Ava was sitting there stock still, taking it all in. She knew bits and pieces of our history but not the whole story. She didn’t know, for example, exactly how much Tori had lost when Will died. She didn’t really know anything about Jeremy.
I took Tori’s hand. “I’m sorry. I know I wasn’t really a good friend to you, Tori. And I didn’t mean what I said about Jeremy. He…he has every right and it’s not my place to judge him.”
“I get it,” she said. Her eyes still conveyed sadness but one side of her mouth turned up in a teasing grin. “You’re jealous. The fire still burns for the J-man.”
I laughed her off, although deep inside I wanted to cry. The fire would always burn for him. And while I was better, so much better than I had been, I could not shake the feeling, deep-down, that I was damaged goods. Between what Henley had done to me, what Chase had put me through, and the regular, daily berating I had received online for so long, I felt a deep, embedded sense of shame…of being dirty.
I could sit across from a therapist for the rest of my natural born life—it would never change.
“Well, look who it is,” Tori called out as I entered the crowded coffee house. I scanned the seats, as I always did, simultaneously hoping and dreading that she would be here. It was amazing, I thought sometimes, how you could live in the same town as someone and never run into them. “I’m on break in five. Sit tight, Jeremy.”
“What are you doing here? I haven’t seen you in forever,” Tori said as she plopped down into the seat across from me.
“You didn’t make yourself a coffee?”
“I’m, like, the only barista on the planet that hates coffee,” she commented dryly.
“Barista, huh? Pretty fancy job title,” I teased.
“That’s assistant managing barista to you, ass wipe.”
“Seriously? That’s good, right?”
“More money, I guess. More hours, though. But I need it. I just wish I had more time in the day. Between work, classes and the boys, I feel like I’m running on a hamster wheel most days.”
“Is everything all right?”
“Yeah,” she waved me off, shaking her head. “Really, everything is good. The boys are doing great. I love my classes. I joined an adult volleyball league in Norwalk and I’ve been running again. Everything is good.”
“Yeah?”
She nodded. “I did one of those mud warrior runs last month. You have to give that a try, it was awesome.”
“I saw the picture you posted.” I paused before saying, “She looks good.”
She nodded knowingly. “Carolyn is good. I think she’s finally made it to the other side, you know?” I know Tori sensed the pain her name still caused me, so she’s attempted to lighten the mood. “So what’s new and exciting with you, Jeremy?”
“Working a ton, that’s about it,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “Oh,” I added with as much enthusiasm as I could muster, which was basically none, “I’ve got a date tonight.”
Tori’s smile was crooked, like, hurt almost. What the hell? “That’s great, Jeremy. Who’s the lucky girl?” she asked, trying to seem happy for me when it was clear that she wasn’t.
“Uh, I don’t even know her name. She’s some friend of Frank’s girl. I kind of got roped into this. I’m dreading tonight but I’m thinking maybe it’s about time, right?” I couldn’t ignore the change in her any longer. “Is something wrong, Tori?”
“No.” She smiled her warm, genuine smile. “I guess I’m just surprised and I guess I’ve always held out hope. It’s like, I’ll never have a chance with Will again but I feel like you still have a chance with Carolyn.”
I leaned over and kissed her cheek. I felt so goddamned bad whenever she brought up Will’s name. “I don’t believe that anymore, Tori. Three years is a long fucking time.”
“It is a long time. It’s just…” Her eyes got that playful sparkle back.
“What?”
“It’s nothing,” she said, but a laugh escaped her before she turned away.
“Holy shit, Tori. Start talking before I scream out loud that there’s a cockroach in my coffee cup.”
“You wouldn’t!”
“Oh, I would,” I said, nodding my head, rising slowly up out of my seat.
“Okay! It’s just that last weekend I was witness to Carolyn losing her shit when one of your old fuck buddies brought your name up. Carolyn was jealous as all hell.”
“One of my what?”
“Beth Peterman? Ring a bell? She’s a little…mature, no? And a lot married?”
“Where did you see Beth?”
“So it’s true!” she exclaimed, wide-eyed.
“It was a long time ago. I haven’t seen Beth in a few years.”
“Wow,” she said, shaking her head, looking away from me.
“You still haven’t answered the question, Tori. Where did you see her and how did my name even come up?”
Tori rolled her eyes. “Mrs. Peterman volunteers for the Briarwood Gala. She was at Carolyn’s house last weekend. And she brought your name up. It was kinda creepy, Jeremy.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know what to say.”
“She didn’t come out and say it but she implied you and her were more than friends. It was gross. She licked her lips and then said you were a great guy. I thought Carolyn was gonna claw her eyes out.”
There was a part of me that seriously doubted Carolyn was jealous, even though I hoped that she was. Kind of served her right. Did she expect me to be waiting on her for three years? Waiting for her to decide that I was worthy of her time? Carolyn thinking that I couldn’t or wouldn’t move on and be with someone else burned me. It made me almost look forward to my date tonight.
Almost…not quite.
We were meeting at Red’s, a local bar and burger joint with pool tables and a relaxed vibe. I balked when Frank had suggested venturing to Manhattan to check out some comedy club in the Village. I told him I didn’t want to be trapped for six hours in case this was a bust.
I was there first and took one of the few available booths. The waitress came over and was making small talk with me when I saw Frank come in waving, with Sadie and her friend trailing behind. The waitress moved aside and gave them all a welcoming smile. I noticed that Sadie and her friend both immediately narrowed their eyes at her. So it was going to be like that, huh?
Sadie leaned over and kissed my cheek, whispering, “Kenzie,” in my ear. Thanks for the save, I was thinking as I smiled back at her. I stood up and introduced myself. “Hi, Kenzie, I’m Jeremy.”
I had offered her my hand but Kenzie came right in for the hug and kiss on the cheek. “It’s so great to finally meet you. Frank and Sadie are always talking you up to me.”
She was pretty. She had long brown hair, blue eyes and a friendly smile. Not a lot of make-up, I liked that, but Kenzie dressed in a way that le
ft nothing to the imagination. I had nearly a full view of her breasts peeking out of her low cut top every time she shifted her body towards me, which she did every time she asked a question or answered one of mine.
There was something the matter with me. Even after the second pitcher of beer was drained, the girls were laughing and flirty, and we’d all moved onto pool, I just could not muster anything for this very attractive, very willing girl.
It all felt so contrived. Being set up, the forced getting-to-know-you questions, the coy, flirty glances, and now the whole I’m a girly-girl who can’t shoot pool so I need you to show me act? At a certain point of the night I was close to rolling my eyes. Kenzie’s ass was practically on display for me as she leaned over the table in her short skirt, giggling as she struggled with the pool cue. Begging for that movie scene bullshit where I bend over her, lining the cue stick up to the ball, pressing my dick into her backside in the process. Fuck that. I checked my watch when she looked over her shoulder a second time, beckoning me. I looked to Frank and asked quietly, “Hey, I’m gonna head out. Can you drop her at home?”
“Nope,” he answered, taking a long pull off his beer.
I took a deep breath. “You set this up. You’re gonna act like a little bitch just because I don’t want to, what…drop to one knee and propose to Sadie’s friend?”
“No. It’s just that you agreed to come. The girl was excited to meet you, got all dolled up and seems to really like you. If you’re not planning on seeing her again, then I’d say you owe her the courtesy of telling her that yourself. That’s all I’m saying.”
He had a point.
“Kenzie, I’ve gotta work tomorrow. Can I take you home or would you like to hang out and catch a ride home with Sadie and Frank?”
I looked back towards Frank as I said that and noticed that he was now in a full lip lock with Sadie. I’m sure that was his way of flipping me off.
“I think I’ll head home with you,” Kenzie said, laughing nervously as she locked eyes on the loving couple. “You work on Saturdays?” she asked skeptically.
“Most of the time, yeah.”
“Sadie said you owned your own business. I guess you’ve got to be there if you’re in charge, huh?”
“Yeah. I don’t mind it, though. I like being busy,” I said as I opened the door for her and we made our way through the parking lot.
“I’m about a half-hour drive from here. Is that all right?”
“It’s no problem.”
We made more small talk for the first five minutes and then the conversation lagged. She seemed uncomfortable with the silence, so she’d punctuate it with questions every few seconds. “Where are you working tomorrow?”
“New Haven.”
“Oh.”
A minute later, she asked, “So do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“No, only child. What about you?”
“One sister.”
I felt like a shit. I never should have agreed to go out with her. I had no interest but still, she didn’t deserve my indifference. “Look, Kenzie, I shouldn’t have wasted your time. I’m not really looking for a relationship right now. I’m tied up with work all the time and…” I was struggling to make sense of it but I couldn’t.
Kenzie reached over and put her hand on my hand that was rested on the gear shift. She swallowed nervously and said, “I know what you went through, Jeremy. Sadie told me everything. You lost some good friends and then you also lost a girl you were really serious about. I know how that feels.”
She dropped her hand from mine and then her gaze shifted away, out the passenger side window. “My boyfriend, my high school sweetheart,” she said, a smile of fond remembrance creeping up, “was everything to me. We started dating when I was sixteen. He was two years older. He enlisted as soon as he graduated from high school. I thought I’d die being separated from him, Jeremy,” she said, shaking her head, smiling wistfully again. I took her hand then, wanting to comfort her, having some idea of where this story was going. “He wanted to go to college but we didn’t come from the kind of town where your parents made enough money to bounce you right into the university of your dreams right outta high school…know what I mean? The plan was: Marines, marriage, college, kids. In that order.”
I was pulling up to the address she’d plugged into the truck’s GPS. The apartment complex looked fairly well kept but was in a somewhat gritty area on the outskirts of Bridgeport. She turned to me as I brought the car to a stop. “He was deployed to Afghanistan—didn’t make it one month. Roadside bomb. He was twenty years old.”
“Kenzie, that’s awful. I really am sorry.”
“When Sadie told me your story, I just felt like I was meant to cross paths with you, you know?”
“I don’t know if you got the wrong impression, Kenzie, but the girl I was involved with…she’s not dead. I did lose friends in a really tragic accident but I didn’t lose her that way.”
“I know that,” she said, shaking her head apologetically. “And I don’t know the whole story but it made me feel like we have something in common anyway. To lose someone is devastating. Maybe losing someone the way you did is even worse. She’s alive and she’s gone, whereas my Michael…I know he’s really gone.”
I looked out my window then, still holding this girl’s hand. She’s alive and she’ gone. She’s gone. She’s gone. The words were playing on repeat in my mind, tormenting me.
“I’ve been alone for a long time, Jeremy. I’m not looking for a serious commitment but I think I am ready to feel something for another person again.” She tugged on my hand gently and when I turned back to her, she leaned over and placed one gentle kiss on my lips. “When you feel like you’re ready, Sadie has my number. I’d really like it if you called me.”
She slid over the seat again, away from me, and went to open her door. I slid over some and grabbed for her hand. “Wait, Kenzie.”
She turned back around and looked to me with hopeful expectation and desire in her eyes. “I don’t know what I’m doing right now. I don’ want to hurt you and I suspect that I’m going to be someone you regret.”
Kenzie slowly turned her body and then moved across the seat and sat astride me, never taking her eyes off mine. “I’m a big girl, Jeremy. I won’t break if you kiss me.”
I didn’t kiss her at first. I waited. There was a part of me screaming at myself to peel her off of me, put the car in drive and never look back. There was another part of me, though, the sad and fucking lonely guy, that melted at the feel of her nails scraping gently across the nape of my neck and heated at the feel of her soft core pressed against a part of me that was now thick and hard with lust.
She dipped her head forward and whispered, “Make me feel something, Jeremy,” before she pressed her soft lips to mine. Her barely there skirt was already scrunched up over her hips so when she pressed down onto me, there was just the satin of her underwear. She was grinding against the denim of my jeans. She wasn’t shy, looking to take things slowly, or waiting on me to make the first move. She took one of my hands and placed it between us, wanting me to know she was wet. When my fingers made contact with the material, she moved her hips, inviting me to touch her. I nudged the material aside and felt her bare, smooth skin and sank two fingers into her wet folds. “Oh, yeah,” she said on a whimper and then she claimed my lips feverishly, gripping the hair at the nape of my neck. I moved my fingers in and out, feeling her pleasure build as she rode my hand with more force. I was torn between wanting to stop—she deserved better than being exposed this way to me in my truck—and wanting to keep going, to have the pleasure of finishing her off. I wanted this girl to feel something good. When I felt her getting closer, I nudged the fabric of her top aside and tugged one hardened nipple into my mouth as I curved my fingers inside of her to hit that spot. She bucked wildly a few times and then cried out. Damn, Kenzie was loud when she came—I’ll admit it was hot. She rode her orgasm out and then opened her eyes slowly, smiling
at me, now suddenly bashful.
“Um, wow.”
“Did I make you feel something, honey?”
Her teeth dragged over her lower lip as she nodded. “That was…wow.” She kissed me again as she reached down between us and went for my belt buckle. I reached down to stop her.
“Naw, you don’t have to do that. Tonight was about you.”
“Fair is fair,” she said, reaching down again to rub my dick through my jeans and then licking her lips. It was meant to be seductive but it left me feeling sorry for her.
“I don’t want to take you in my truck, Kenzie. You deserve a hell of a lot better than that.”
She smiled at me with awe and gratitude, as if I was some sort of prince. “I’d invite you up, Jeremy, because I really want to continue this, but,” she nodded her head towards the apartment building, embarrassed, “I still live with my parents.”
“That’s cool. I live in the upstairs apartment at my dad’s place. Cheap rent, right?”
“Yeah.” She traced her fingers along my jaw, gazing at me. “I really like you, Jeremy.”
I placed my hand over hers, stopping her. “I have to take things slowly and I can’t make you any promises, Kenzie. To be honest, I think you should run like hell from me. I don’t think I can be what you need.”
“I’ll take my chances,” she said as she slid off my lap, slowly. “Give me your phone.” She threw her long hair over one shoulder and snapped a selfie, her body at an angle that put her full breasts on prominent display. She entered her contact information then and handed the phone back over. “The ball is in your court, Jeremy. No pressure, but I hope you’ll call me.”
I sat and waited until I saw she was safely inside the lobby before I drove off. I had to adjust myself several times on the drive home to alleviate that familiar, painful ache. The thought of Kenzie coming on my hand didn’t have me worked up into this state. No, it was the memory of Carolyn, sitting in that same position all those years ago. Bared to me except for those little white panties, pleading with me to go further with her, to make her mine.
