by Foster, Lily
I walked around the car and crammed myself into the passenger seat of her new, ridiculously small Mini Cooper. “I’m not looking to be your babysitter. I get it. But I want to take care of you, to protect you. I’d want to do that even if the past had never happened.”
“But I need to feel like I’m capable, Jeremy. Do you understand that? Even if I fall, it’s better that I fall and pick myself back up. If you treat me like I’m incompetent or vulnerable then I’ll lose faith in myself.”
“I get it.”
“Good,” she said, cracking a smile. “Now get out of my car and go to work.”
“I am following you until New Haven, though. You car’s been buried for the past two days. Just call me when you get home, all right?”
“I will.”
“And we’re still on for dinner tomorrow night.”
She leaned over to kiss me, a hot, smoking kiss that lasted so long and got me so worked up that I wanted to recline the seats and stay in this cramped little car forever. She broke the kiss. “We’re on for dinner tomorrow night. I just got you back so you’re not getting rid of me anytime soon.”
And so it went. Carolyn and I slipped into a routine. We saw each other most nights. But when work was crazy or when Carolyn was bogged down with schoolwork, we spoke to one other on the phone at least a couple of times each day. She still waitressed on Saturday nights but would occasionally come up to ski when she could switch a shift with someone else. I got in the habit of leaving the mountain after taking a few runs early on Sunday mornings because I officially had my seat back at the Harris family table on Sunday nights. I’m not going to say that was my highpoint of my week—no, the times when I was able to hold Carolyn naked in my arms and sink inside of her topped anything—but Sunday dinners were a close second.
I was happy, truly happy for the first time in a really long time. And I was comfortable. I wasn’t expecting the axe to fall anymore, I wasn’t waiting for it all to come crashing down.
I wasn’t expecting it to end.
“Hey, I just sat three guys at table twelve. The big, burly one wants your cannoli, sweetness…Insisted on sitting in your section,” Sal said, waggling his eyebrows.
“Why is everything you say laced with innuendo?”
Sal was promoted to host-runner-busboy on Saturday nights. At least that’s what he told everyone when the hostess up and quit last weekend.
“Go get that big sausage, Carolyn. You know you want it.”
“Nick, I don’t know how much longer I can take him.” I could barely stifle my giggle, though. Sal was gross and immature but he made laugh and he made the night fly by.
“See, you’re laughing. Don’t encourage him!”
My smile got even bigger when I came out of the kitchen to see my man sitting with his father and an older gentleman whom I assumed was his grandfather. “Hi! This is a nice surprise.”
When Jeremy caught sight of me, he stood up and his smile stretched across his face to match my own. He just…the way he looked at me made me feel like I was someone amazing and extraordinary and…loved. He made me feel loved.
All three of the Rivers men were standing now. “It’s nice to see you, Mr. Rivers.”
“You’ve gotta start calling me Mike, please.”
“All right, Mike,” I answered, but I could feel the blush creeping across my face as I said it. Jeremy’s dad was also a big, imposing guy. I felt like Mr. Rivers fit him better.
“And Carolyn, this is my grandfather, James Walker.”
“Hello, dear. You can call me Jimmy.”
Jimmy was tall but slight. You could tell he’d once had the same lumberjack build that Jeremy and his dad shared, but time had thinned his frame and stooped his posture some. He had clear, blue, friendly eyes that stood out from the wrinkles that framed them. The creases that framed his eyes and mouth looked like the result of many years spent smiling. I liked him instantly; the man just radiated happiness.
“I have a feeling this is going to be the best dinner I’ve had all month,” Jimmy announced as he took in a deep whiff. “Nothing better than the smell of garlic and olive oil, am I right?”
“Spoken like a true Englishman,” Mike commented dryly.
“You’re English?”
Jeremy shrugged. “I think we’re mutts, a little bit of everything, right?” he asked, looking towards his father.
Jimmy interjected, “Speak for yourself. I’m one hundred percent Englishman. Your grandmother was part French, part Dutch, and your dad’s family was—”
“Spanish and Irish,” Mike said wistfully.
I think I was a little bit loco in love, because any little thing I learned about Jeremy made me fall head over heels that much more. “That explains the tan and the skilled French accent.”
“Oh, he’s been pulling out the mon chérie on you, has he?” his grandfather teased.
“Oui, oui.”
“Ok, ok, can we hear the specials?” Jeremy begged me, cheeks flaming red.
After I told them about the specials, with emphasis on the excellent pork braciole I’d had the pleasure of sampling earlier, I turned to Jeremy. “What are you doing here, anyway? Wasn’t this the big guys-only ski weekend?”
He looked uncomfortable when he answered, “Yeah, it didn’t turn out as planned. I bailed.” He held his menu up in front of him before whispering, “Can you stay with me tonight?”
“Yeah.” I was probably nodding like a goof but I didn’t care. Jeremy wants me. I didn’t know if the excitement over being with him would ever fade. “I’ll work it out.”
My parents, thank goodness, were not sticklers like that. I still lived at home, although Ava and I had been talking more seriously about splitting a place off campus for next year. My parents were fine with me staying overnight at Jeremy’s occasionally, as long as I let them know ahead of time.
They were fine with it because it was Jeremy.
“Well, she’s a keeper,” my grandfather announced as Carolyn took our menus and went to her next table. I saw Carolyn’s mouth turn up in a smile as she wrote down her other table’s order. My grandfather was slightly hard of hearing and tended to speak at megaphone decibel level. The entire restaurant now knew that Grandpa approved of Carolyn.
I was glad I’d made the decision to bail today and come see her. I spent a lot of time with her family so it made me feel good to have her spend some time with mine. And it was clear to see that my father and grandfather were enamored with her, just like I was.
I would have taken off even without the promise of being able to have Carolyn tonight, though. This weekend was supposed to be me, Frank, Vince, Mike, and Mike’s older brother at the house. The plan was for skiing Saturday, football Sunday, heading home Monday. Good friends, beers and laughs.
We’d just gotten back from the mountain on Saturday. I was bringing firewood in from the back deck when I heard the laughter. Female laughter. Frank looked back towards me with a guilt-ridden expression and eyes that pled: I didn’t know, as he grabbed Sadie’s bag. I’m gonna kill him. Shocker…Sadie was accompanied by four friends, Kenzie among them. How fucking convenient: five guys, five girls. Vince looked ecstatic while I’m sure I’d just turned an angry shade of purple.
“I’m just gonna throw the girls’ bags into my room for now. This is a nice surprise,” Frank added, nervously.
I set about starting the fire, so irate that I didn’t trust myself to speak. The other guys went over to help with their bags. They were all relaxed, making small talk with the girls—no big deal. I, on the other hand, felt ambushed, pissed off, and disappointed. My closest friend and his girl were not looking out for my best interests.
I walked by Frank when he tried to pull me aside. He wanted to spin his bullshit story about having no idea that Sadie was planning to come up. “Now that they’re here, let’s just have fun. No reason to make it awkward, right?”
No reason at all. Right. I nodded, lips tight, teeth clenched. Sure, Caroly
n would be totally cool with me spending the night partying with Kenzie. Just like I’d want her hanging out at a ski house and drinking with Todd or whatever that fucktard’s name was. Deep breath, Rivers.
When Mike came into the kitchen, he eyed me warily. “You good?”
“I’m sorry to bail on you but I’m outta here, all right?”
“I get it. Kristi would be none too happy about this but these girls don’t run in the same circles as my girl, so I’ll just keep quiet about it. I’d grab a ride home with you but my brother is pretty excited about the change in plans. Hey, the guys will be outnumbered so maybe he can have two.”
“I’m out.”
Kenzie stood in the corridor as I walked past and made my way into my room. “Can we talk for a second?” I ignored her. “I told Sadie this wasn’t a good idea and now I can see that it really was not a good idea.” She had tears in her eyes.
“It wasn’t. I don’t like being blindsided.”
“Jeremy, we can just hang out as friends.”
“We’re not friends, Kenzie.”
She took a defiant stance, hand on her hip, chin raised. The crocodile tears were gone all of a sudden. “What, is your girlfriend the jealous, insecure type? Can’t handle you being around me?”
“So you know? You know that I’m with her now and you decided to come here anyway?”
Kenzie closed my door behind her and advanced on me. She stopped abruptly and lowered her head before raising it again to reveal a sad, concerned expression. This girl was gunning for an Oscar. “Sadie has told me nothing good about her. From what I’ve heard, you’re falling right back in with some girl who’s clearly trouble. She thought nothing of crushing her last boyfriend, then dumped you without—”
“Stop!”
She kept coming. She was less than a foot away from me when she put her hands on my chest and whispered, pleading, “Didn’t her last boyfriend kill himself? This girl has mental problems, Jeremy. Can’t you see that?”
I gripped her wrists harder than I’d intended and shoved her away from me. “Shut your fucking mouth.”
I wasn’t explaining shit to Kenzie or to anyone else. And Sadie spreading lies and bullshit? Can’t say I was done with Frank but I’d never see Sadie in the same light again. The people who mattered to me knew Carolyn—they knew she was good and that she was good for me.
As I was stuffing gear into my bag at a furious pace, Kenzie made one last ditch effort. “I care about you. I just want you to consider the idea of us. No complicated past, no drama. I really care about you, Jeremy.”
I slung my bag over my shoulder. “But I don’t care about you, Kenzie. I never will. Find someone who does care and waste this act on them.”
I pushed past her and quietly made my way to my car. Frank just let me pass by. He knew better; he knew I was about one stupid comment away from knocking his teeth loose.
The door was open when I got to Jeremy’s after midnight. He was asleep on the couch. He looked delicious, with his hair mussed and his bare torso on display, but he also looked like a little boy with his eyes closed and his lips parted, one hand tucked underneath his cheek.
I put my bag in the corner and made my way to the bathroom as quietly as possible. I needed a shower; I always smelled like garlic bread after a shift at La Viola. Jeremy told me that he craved garlic bread, that he lived to eat garlic bread. I giggled remembering him chasing me around his apartment the last time I came over after work.
Ooh that feels good. The hot water soothed my tired muscles as I worked Jeremy’s manly smelling shampoo into my hair.
“You do know you’re every boy’s fantasy right now, don’t you?” I turned to see him looking at me through the shower glass door, reaching down to push his sweats off. “Dripping wet, soap suds sliding down those beautiful tits, that round ass just begging to be touched.”
I felt so turned on when I was near him. “So come on in here and touch me.”
I needed him to touch me. His dirty words had set me on fire. Now I was aching between my legs for him.
“No, touch yourself. I want to watch you.”
He slid the shower door open halfway. I could see him stroking himself. My sex was throbbing and I was so drugged with desire that I could barely keep my eyes open as I slid my fingers between my legs. I made a conscious decision to let go and then barely recognized the moan that escaped my lips a moment later.
“Tell me.”
“Ooh, I’m close already, Jeremy. It feels so good it almost hurts.”
“Fuck,” he let out on a strangled breath. “Keep talking,” he commanded.
“Please, baby, come in. I want to taste you while I touch myself.”
He stepped in and directed the spray away from me as I knelt down before him. “Are you sure?”
I nodded before licking my lips and taking him in as far as I could. “Oh fuck,” he groaned.
Who was I? Before this boy, the thought of sex scared me; there was nothing good associated with it in my past. But since that first time he’d held me close to his big, strong body in the lake, being with him in this way was all I could think of. And now I had him. And his words, the way he looked at me, the way he touched me and made me feel so very much a woman…he had me too.
I moaned as I rocked my hips against my hand and the vibration set him off. “Oh, Carolyn,” he cried out as he jerked his hips and came in my mouth. I swallowed him down and then raised my face to the stream of water as he pulled out.
“Come here,” he said, gripping me by my elbows and raising me up. He crushed his lips to mine as his hands grasped my ass. “That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen, baby.”
I could feel his dick hardening again already against my belly. “I need a taste,” he whispered as he spun me around and braced my hands against the tiles. He was on his knees then, spreading my legs and pushing his face against me.
It really did feel so good that it was painful. I was tingling and aching—on the verge of exploding. I wanted him to stop and just fuck me but my body was moving, pushing back against him, taking everything he’d give me. “More,” I heard myself moaning. His fingers circled me, placing pressure right where I needed it. My hips bucked. I needed more. “Please,” I begged.
“Please, what? What do you want me to do?”
“I want you inside of me.”
He stood and bent me over at the waist. His two massive hands held my hips tight as he pounded into me. “You feel so good, you feel so good,” he chanted.
I could feel him, thick, pulsing, hard—deep inside me. “More, Jeremy. Don’t stop.”
He kept that pace until I reached down between my legs and pushed against where he was moving in and out of me. My release came on a loud moan and then I could feel his warm release as he pumped into me over and over again, tugging me hard against his body.
We were both speechless for a moment, catching our breath, reveling in the feeling of our bodies still joined together.
His soft laughter and the feeling of him slipping out of me brought me down to earth. “Something funny?”
“I was just thinking that I wanna get down on my knees and worship you,” he said as he turned me around. “Do you realize what this is like for me? I never thought of myself as unhappy but this kind of happiness? It just never occurred to me that I could be this happy.
“I look forward to talking to you on the phone every day because I love hearing what you have to say…about anything. I think about you whenever we’re apart. When we’re together I want to hold onto you, kiss you as much as possible. And this,” he said, gesturing between us, “I’ve never experienced this before. Do you know what you look like when we’re together?” I looked away, suddenly shy. “No, really, do you realize how hot you are?” He turned me again as he took some more shampoo and started to lather my hair slowly. “Carolyn, your mouth parts in this incredibly sexy way. Your heads tilts to the side, exposing this part of you,” he whispered as he leaned down to ki
ss my neck. “Your tits sway when you move against me. Your pussy is heaven. And the look in your eyes…You look at me like no one else has ever made you feel this way before. It makes me feel like a king.”
“No one has ever made me feel this way. Only you.”
He rinsed my hair and then let his hands roam lovingly over my breasts and my belly, pulling me in close to him. “I’ve never felt this way either, baby. It’s only you.”
Look at him. I know he hates wearing a suit but he looks so damn fine.
I love him just as much when he’s in his grease splattered tee shirt, jeans and work boots, but the way he looks tonight? I’m ready to haul him home and role-play some alpha-male billionaire tames his smart-mouthed secretary fantasy.
I spy two middle-aged women standing a few feet away from Jeremy. They’re whispering, stealing looks at him and then giggling like two teenagers crushing on the hot guy. No, no, no ladies…he’s mine.
He is mine—heart and soul and body.
And I am Jeremy’s in every way.
A part of him grows inside me now. Everyone describes pregnancy as a miracle but since finding out that we’re expecting, I occasionally have to stop and catch my breath. I’m awestruck. It’s amazing to think that we made this. Jeremy making love to me created life that grows inside of me.
It’s been our secret this past week. I’m only seven weeks along. We decided to wait a few more weeks to tell our family, and then we’ll let the rest of the world in on our big news when we’re three months along.
Yesterday we heard the heartbeat. Everything sounded perfect, strong and healthy, according to the doctor, but Jeremy and I are being careful. We’ve held our friends’ hands after they’ve shared their happy news only to suffer a crushing loss a few weeks later. We know it’s not uncommon with the first pregnancy, so for now we’re keeping this between us two. But it’s impossible to keep from dreaming about this little person, and it’s nearly impossible to contain this overwhelming desire I have to dance and scream to everyone within earshot that I’m so damn happy!
Telling Frank and Sadie will be hard. They’ve had two miscarriages back to back. My heart breaks for them, even though every loss makes Sadie all that more difficult to be around. I’m guessing that when she hears our news, the few times a year we see them will dwindle down to nothing.
