“Can we do that? Isn’t there damage to the garage?”
“Not really. Some smoke but not enough that it should affect your things. We’ll open the door and get it really aired out first.”
“It would save me the cost of a rental shed, or whatever those things are.”
“Great. I’ll work on it Thursday and Friday.”
“Thanks.”
“All we’ll have to do Sunday is move your essentials over to Alexia’s place.”
She reaches out and grabs my hand. “You’ve been a huge help. Thank you.”
I settle on the bed beside her, taking her in my arms and kiss her. “I’m here for what you need.”
“Why?”
How can she ask that? “Don’t you remember what I said?”
“When?”
“Saturday, when all was almost right with the world.”
“Did you mean it?”
I pull back and stare into her eyes. “I’ve fallen for you. I can’t help myself.”
“It’s not fair to you.”
“Loving you?” I laugh.
“I can’t give back to you right now. I’m not sure I have anything to give.”
I pull her up and against me. “You don’t have to. That isn’t what love is. By allowing me to be here for you, that’s just a different way of showing love.”
“You’re going to get real tired of it. There’s so much to do. And then when I get Nana home it won’t be fun to be there. You know how she is.”
Nana isn’t coming home. Jenna needs to accept that, but I’m not going to have the argument with her right now. That decision will be made with time and since Nana isn’t leaving the nursing home for a while, we have time on our side. “One day at a time. That’s how we’ll take this.”
“Still, you don’t have to disrupt your life to come to my place.”
There’s no way in hell I’m going to let her push me away, if that’s what she’s trying to do. Had we not been together on Saturday, I’d think maybe she didn’t feel the same for me, but we were. The night was incredible. Her world has just been turned on its side and she needs time. “Oh, that is purely selfish.”
Her eyebrows draw together and she frowns. “Selfish?”
“I like sleeping with you. I might not ever leave you again, maybe even follow you to Alexia’s, leaving Joey all alone.”
She just chuckles, but it isn’t a no. Setting up house with Jenna could be fun. I’ve never lived with a girl and frankly, never spent the night with one either, until New York and then last night. I did like it. A lot. I could very easily get used to having Jenna in my bed every night of the week. It’s a shame I can’t bring her to the firehouse with me.
Something’s off, but I’m not sure why. I open my eyes and glance at the clock. It’s about 3:30 in the morning. I look over. Jenna’s gone. I get up and step out into the hall. She’s not in the bathroom and a light’s on in the kitchen. She’s sitting at the counter, a notepad beside her and she’s working at her laptop.
“What are you doing?” How long has she even been up?
“Working, did I wake you?”
“No, I don’t think so.” It’s so bright in here. “Do you know what time it is?”
She looks down at the corner of her computer. “Yeah.”
“How long you been up?”
“About half an hour.”
“You should come back to bed.”
“I can’t sleep.”
I go up behind her and wrap my arms around her and kiss her neck. “I can help you get back to sleep.” I wonder if I’ll ever get enough of her.
“I know myself well enough that I won’t be able to go back to sleep no matter what you do.” She snuggles back against me so I know this isn’t a rejection.
“Is that a challenge?” I ask before I tease her earlobe with my teeth.
“Just a fact.” She giggles and then sobers “There’s too much on my mind.”
She turns on the stool and gives me a quick kiss. “Get some sleep.”
Knows herself well enough that this is a habit. I’ll have to keep an eye on her. A person needs more than five hours of sleep at night.
When I wake up next, it’s to an alarm. I had assumed she would be in the kitchen still, but she’s gone and a notes on the counter. “Went into Baxter early. See you tomorrow.”
No kiss goodbye? Nothing.
Twenty-Nine
As unfair as it is to Cole, I’m glad he’s staying with me. I don’t want to be alone right now and it feels so damn good to be able to snuggle up against him and have his arms around me while I try and get to sleep. Until him, I’d never really just slept with anyone before and it’s nice. Real nice. But, that’s about all I have for him. I know he wants to have sex. Hell, I can feel his hard cock pressing into me when we spoon but I have no desire for anything but his arms around me, holding me close. I hope I get over that soon because it isn’t fair to him. You don’t have one incredible night of sex with a man and then tell him that’s it, but still expect him to sleep with you. That’s the first step in a breakup and I don’t want him going anywhere.
Why does he love me? I’ve got nothing to give right now. Just take. And, he’s giving so much. I need to do something because I don’t want to lose Cole. I love him so much. Sure, I had a major crush on him in high school, but this is so different. I haven’t known the adult him all that long, but I’m head over heels and hope he can stay with me until I get Nana through this crisis and then we can move forward and I’ll be able to make up for everything he’s doing for me.
But, I can’t keep thinking about Cole. At least not while I’m at work. Or Nana for that matter. There’s too much to do, but I have been somewhat productive this morning. I was able to check some things off of my list and that feels good. Like I have control over something in my life. Mag is going to check into Jada wanting a fashion design career and helping her prepare for it; I have a list of schools to show Tyler, Mag’s going to check into culinary arts after talking to the therapists to see if it’s even a good idea, and the soccer and physical education has been added to the next agenda for the board meeting.
We’re making progress, but not enough. There are still so many kids that need a focus and a plan.
My phone lights up and I don’t recognize the number. I quickly grab it, afraid something has happened to Nana. “Hello?”
“Miss Ferguson?”
“Yes?”
“This is Beth from Manor Gardens.”
Something’s happened! My hands begin to shake. “Is my grandmother okay?”
“Yes, I didn’t mean to alarm you.”
I blow out a breath and try to relax.
“I just wanted to let you know that she’s getting settled and rested well last night.”
“Thank goodness.”
“The doctor is hopeful for that the combination of medication she’s on can help her some.”
“Will I be able to see her sooner?”
“They would still like you to wait until Tuesday or Wednesday.”
I hate that I just left her there and not able to go back. They can call me all they want but until I can see Nana with my own eyes, I don’t think I’ll be comfortable with her being there. I can mentally tell myself that this is what she needs and to trust the doctors, but my gut and heart want to see her to reassure myself she’s doing okay. “Do I need to bring her anything?”
“No. She’s got everything she needs.”
Except me. “Thank you for calling and keeping me updated.”
I set my phone aside, wishing I could do more. I add the number to my contacts so I’ll know who it is next time they call.
“How’s Jenna doing?” Dylan asks when I get to the firehouse.
“I want to say okay, but I’m not really sure.”
“How so?”
I have to think about what is bugging me. She hasn’t been acting like I’d expected, even if I don’t know what to expect. “She hasn’t cr
ied.”
“Jenna isn’t a crier.”
Which I do like. Girls that cry at the drop of a hat bug the hell out of me. Or, the ones who use tears to manipulate. They’re worse. But, crying is a normal part of life, especially when tragedy hits. “Her childhood home is practically toast, her grandmother is in a nursing home, and she needs to consider this isn’t a temporary situation, though she refuses. And, she has to be out of her apartment by Sunday afternoon.”
“That is a lot.” Dylan frowns with concern.
“I’ve seen her angry, but not raging.”
“That’s reasonable.” He shrugs.
“There was only one glimpse of another emotion, her eyes kind of watered, but it’s as if she shut it down and buried it.”
“Maybe it’s shock and she’s still working through it.”
“I hope that’s the case because bottling it up is never healthy.”
Dylan slaps me on the shoulder. “I’m sure she’ll be fine. Or as fine as she can be.”
I hope so too.
“I’ll check on her tomorrow.”
“By the way, where’s the distributor cap?”
“Why?”
I tell him about the car, moving her furniture and since he doesn’t have plans for the next two days, Dylan’s going to help me get everything moved so it’s one less thing she has to worry about.
Thirty
Cole is coming in my apartment as I’m about to leave and go to work. It’s odd because I’m so used to being on my own, but I like that he’s here too. I even missed not having him in my bed last night and didn’t sleep near as soundly as I did the night before when he held me close.
Whether he knows it or not, he is the one thing that is stable in my life. A rock that I can anchor myself to. Everything is so uncertain, but he’s constant. I just hope I don’t lose him through all of this because I can’t really be the girlfriend any guy deserves. I’m drained and all I’m doing is taking from him and not giving a damn thing back. It’s unfair and I wish it could be different, but I wouldn’t know how to give back to him.
There’s always sex, but I’m not really in the mood. Even though he spent two nights with me, he hasn’t even hinted at intimacy. It’s as if he knows, but is it fair to him?
We had incredible sex in New York and if there hadn’t been the fire, there probably would have been more after we got back to town. That one night would have satisfied me for a day or so, but all it did was convince me I wanted more, but now I’m afraid all that desire is dead.
Half of me is dead.
He drops a bag by the door and comes forward, pulling me into his arms. “I’m glad you’re still here.”
“Why?”
“I worry about you and want to know how you’re doing.”
“Okay.”
He pulls back a looks down at me. “What time did you go to sleep?”
“Around midnight, maybe?”
“How long did you sleep?”
“I got about five hours.”
“That’s not enough, Jenna.” He’s frowning at me.
I know it isn’t but there’s nothing I can do. My mind won’t shut off. I even turned on the television last night so I’d have something to listen to instead of thinking and thinking and thinking. I can’t get Nana off my mind, wondering what she doing, how she doing, what’s she going through. Nor can I get the vision of her face out of my mind, looking at me through the little glass window, panicked and scared.
Then there are the kids at Baxter. There’s so much to do to get them ready for college and not enough hours in the day to get everything done. I have a handful of seniors yet to decide and their time is running out. We’ve applied for student loans and grants, but scholarship deadlines have passed for enrollment in the fall, which is why I’m trying to get the juniors on track now, so we don’t let opportunities slip through our fingers. I’m going to start working with the sophomores too. The sooner we can get every single student on track, the better it will be for all of them.
I’m also still waiting for the insurance company. Scared they won’t cover anything and then I’m screwed. I don’t have the kind of money to fix a house. I can barely cover my bills as it is.
I can’t find a two-bedroom apartment. Going to Alexia’s is great, but it’s temporary. I need to have a place set up before they release Nana. I don’t expect her to be there over two weeks. How long will it take for her burn to heal so I can care for her it?
What am I going to do if they release her and we have no place to live?
And when I do finally fall asleep, all I do is dream. Even in slumber my brain will not shut off.
“Maybe you should talk to a doctor,” he suggests.
“Why?”
“For something to help you sleep.”
“I don’t want to be medicated.” I’m not sure a medicated sleep would be any more beneficial than the natural sleep I’m able to get, no matter how little it is.
“Please.”
“If my sleeping doesn’t get better,” I promise. Since I’ve taken the job at Baxter my sleep average is about six hours at night, and I never felt exhausted. More energized than anything. It’s what’s been happening with Nana that has me tired, but that’s temporary. At least I pray it is.
“I’ll be keeping an eye on you.”
I smile up at him. “Thank you.” It does feel good to have someone watching out for me. I just wish I could give back in return but I don’t know what I could do for him. Cole doesn’t need me. Not like I need him.
“Have a good day.” He kisses me. “I’ll be here when you get home.”
“You don’t have to be.” I don’t want him to feel like he has to constantly be taking care of me.
“What if I want to be?”
All of Jenna’s stuff has been moved from her apartment to either her new one or stored in the garage. She’s left with her bed and a few items to get her through Sunday. Dylan and I have busted our butts so she doesn’t have to spend her weekend moving. I need to make this as easy as I can for her. Alexia’s bed is still in her apartment and we will store Jenna’s until she has a place of her own. She could move out on Saturday if she wanted to, and maybe she will. What little she has left can fit into her car, which would leave her free on Sunday, my next day off. I really want her to have a free day of not having to think about getting anything done, even though I know she’ll still worry. I’ll hide her laptop so she can’t work, if I have to. Though I admire her dedication, I’m beginning to suspect she’s using it as a crutch, to keep from dealing with things.
It’s bad enough that she’s not sleeping. I’ve been with her practically every night and even though she drops off at a decent time, she’s up at three or four, working until she goes to Baxter. She says her mind won’t shut down and even when she’s sleeping, she’s dreaming and has woken me up by talking. Not that I understand her. She’s got to be exhausted.
There are circles beneath her eyes, though not too bad, yet, but I’m afraid it’s only going to get worse.
“It’s all gone.”
I come from the bedroom and find her standing in the center of her living room.
“Dylan and I moved everything.”
“You left the coffee, right?” she gives me a cute, lopsided smile.
“Of course. I wouldn’t torture you like that.”
She lays her bag on the table, looking around. “There’s really no reason to stay here anymore.”
“We can move your bed Sunday morning.”
She’s nodding. “Let me get the rest of my stuff. Maybe a new place will be a good change.”
There is no need for further encouragement and I grab one of the last empty boxes and carry it down the hall. She does the same and goes into the bathroom. It doesn’t take much. We stop long enough for me to grab the Keurig and she gets her basket of teas and coffees and we head out the door, locking it behind us. I’m glad she’s moving now. It will give her all of Saturday to get settle
d into Alexia’s apartment, leaving her free with nothing to do on Sunday.
Alexia’s apartment is not far and we enter to find the few of the boxes that need to stay with her in the middle of the living room. As she does another inspection of that Alexia left behind, and what she can use, Jenna decides not to unpack dishes or any of the kitchen items and marks the box to be returned to Nana’s garage.
Who knows when she will be back in the house? If ever. Jenna’s still waiting on the insurance company. The fire marshal ruled on the cause today. I have the report but have been putting off giving it to her. “This came in.”
She takes the large manila envelope from me and removes the report, quickly scanning it before looking up at me. “She tried to burn leaves in the fireplace?”
“Dylan did say there was a patch of grass that looked like it was scorched. Maybe Nana figured since they weren’t burning outside, they would in the fireplace.”
Jenna is just shaking her head. “I can no longer guess how she comes up with some of her ideas.”
Part of the fire was in the fireplace and up the chimney, though it luckily didn’t spread to the roof.” That would have destroyed the house completely.
“Do you think they blew out somehow?”
“It’s possible. There’re hardly any leaves in the yard and she has a ton of trees. We can only guess that she kept taking them inside, stuffing them into the fireplace. Maybe there were too many. Maybe they overflowed onto the hearth then the carpet. Maybe wind from the chimney blew them out.”
“We’ll probably never know.” She puts the report on the table and sinks into a chair. “Do I need to give this to the insurance company?”
“The department will take care of that. Your insurance has already requested it.”
“Then I guess all I can do is wait. Though, if they deny coverage, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
I take a seat beside her and grasp her hand. “Wait and cross that bridge when and if we come to it. You’ve got enough on your mind right now to be worrying about what may or may not happen.”
Shadows of Memories (Baxter Academy) Page 19
