by Tasman Gibb
“Doc thinks I need to continue focusing on getting well.”
“Uh-huh, I agree. I’m concerned that the pressure of our attraction to one another is adding to your stress.”
He grabbed for her hand as his chest tightened because he had a terrible feeling that she was letting him down gently, pulling away from him. That’s not what he meant, but how could he explain this to her when he didn’t understand it himself? “I can’t invest anything in a relationship right now, but, please, be my friend as I go through this. I can’t do it alone.”
“Yes, of course I’ll be your friend. If you do this for yourself, Vince, everything else will fall into place. I believe that.”
ADAM PULLED UP after eight. Lulah and Vince were still having breakfast on the porch. “Well, look at you two having breakfast like an old married couple.”
Vince flicked a crust of toast at him. “Here you go, Kiwi, I saved this for the birds.”
Adam caught it and flicked it to Joker who snapped it from the air with grace.
“Are you about ready?” Adam asked. “I don’t want these two guys stranded in a crowded airport.”
“Lulah said I have to wash the dishes and tidy my room before I’m allowed out.”
“Yeah, I’d believe that. I wouldn’t cross her, either.”
Lulah slapped Vince’s shoulder. “Get outta here.” She started clearing the dishes.
“We should be back by one. Marlo is fixing lunch for us all, and after lunch, we’ll go down to the Sanctuary Village, get the guys settled in, meet the dogs, and show them around.”
Adam headed around to the passenger side of the SUV.
“You want me to drive?” Vince asked.
“Argh. How long have I been in this country? Six months and I’m still trying to drive from the wrong side of the vehicle.”
“Perhaps I’d better drive. Can I trust you to stay on the right side of the road?”
“I’m fine once I’m driving.”
“Lulah,” Vince called as he opened the car door, “can you find my Saint Christopher medal?” He turned to Adam. “You should know, I haven’t had the need to wear it since Afghanistan.”
“Get in, chicken. I thought you Marines were brave.”
“Brave, yes. Foolhardy, no.”
As they pulled out onto the main road Adam asked him if he knew anything about the two men they were going to pick up from the airport.
“Not much, I’ve tried to stay out of it.”
“Dave is a Vietnam vet and Cody is Navy. Cody’s about your age.”
“Uh-huh.”
They drove on for a bit before Adam broke the silence. “Marlo says you and Lulah had a bit of an incident the other night.”
“Yeah, yeah we did. That was scary shit. I’m going to back off from Lulah. I mean, I like her so much, but she has her own goals, needs, I’d wreck them for her. Someone like Mike would be good for her.”
“Oh, yeah, I’m sure you believe that.”
“I don’t believe it for a minute, but she’s still going through all kinds of grief because of her father, and I’m a liability. If nothing else, I know that I can’t expect Lulah to put up with all of my baggage.”
“If you’re right for each other, she’ll help you unpack it.”
“I can’t let that happen, Adam. Some of it’s booby-trapped. I don’t want her to finish up as damaged as I am and that’s what can happen with this PTSD shit. There’s enough research now that shows partners, children, the families of people with PTSD can end up with secondary poisoning by living with people like me. She’s too good to break, I like her too much.”
“Well, she’s not going anywhere, and I’m sure she’d be happy to stick by your side as a friend for now as you go through this process. And don’t worry about frightening Lulah. She’s fearless and resilient, plus she has good back-up and she talks rather than bottles stuff up. Between us all, we can help you through this, Vince. If you’ll let us.”
“You know, there’s something you might be able to help me out with. It’s for Lulah. She’s lost track of her father and, even though she’s not exactly looking for him, I know she’s concerned. She didn’t want to bother you and Marlo about it, but I thought you could ask Butch if he had any suggestions for tracking him down.”
“No problem. Give me the details of his last known address. I’m sure Butch will help.”
They drove in silence for a while. “Marlo tells me you’re making an amazing replica of Justice for the fundraising auction.”
“Yeah. It’s going well. I’ve never tried making a carousel animal on my own before. And I’ve certainly never tried one as a rocker. It’s good practice for me. Very calming.”
“There’s something I’d like to ask you. I want you to think about it before giving me an answer because I don’t want to put you under any pressure. If you don’t want to do it, please say and I won’t try and change your mind. By the time the auction comes around, you’ll be working with Calliope as your certified service dog. Would you think about making a speech, just a short one, to explain to the guests exactly what it means to have Calliope in your daily life? You don’t have to go into anything personal, but I think your insight would give the guests something to open their wallets for. I know that sounds mercenary but in the end, the success of the auction trickles through to the success of the Sanctuary service dog program.”
“You know I’d really like to help the program,” Vince stared out the window, “but it’ll be a crowd, in a place I don’t know. I understand I have to get over my fear of having flashbacks. In reality, these days they don’t happen often, but it’s the fear, and the humiliation when it happens. Hell, you’ve seen me in action when it all takes hold of me. I want to help the program in any way I can. Let me talk to Doc about it, and Group. Let me see if I can find a way to do it.”
“Cool. Don’t pressure yourself, you know. No recriminations if you can’t do it. We’ll understand, totally. And if it’s any consolation, I have to MC the evening and I’m shitting myself.”
Vince laughed. “Can’t wait to tell Marlo I’ve found your weakness.”
VINCE ENTERED THE kitchen, towel-drying his hair. He wore his standard jeans, faded USMC t-shirt, and bare feet. He had filled out a little since staying in the barn and eating regular meals with Lulah. Even though he cooked well, Lulah suspected that his meals were sporadic when he was having a meltdown. Drag your eyes off UHT Guy. Despite her resolution to back off him, some days, well, every day, she maintained a constant effort to reaffirm that. She swallowed. “Big day, huh?”
He stopped drying his hair and moved up alongside her to grab a cookie from the plate she’d put out. “Yep. Worse for Dave and Cody, though. I mean, they’re right out of their comfort zones, meeting new people, meeting their dogs, being in unfamiliar territory. You know, I’m not sure I could have managed. That sort of situation is tough on someone with PTSD.”
“Marlo has put in a sturdy support system for them at the Sanctuary village. They’ll be well cared for.” Lulah handed him a mug of tea.
“We’re going to be busy for the next few weeks, learning how to work with the dogs.” He hitched himself onto the kitchen counter and smiled at her. “I took the new medication for a couple of nights, the stuff that should stop the nightmares.”
“Any good?”
“Yeah, it helps. I managed around five hours’ sleep. My head’s a bit fuzzy today, but that’s to be expected. I hate taking pills, but the sleep is good. And not having nightmares is awesome. I’ll stick with it because Doc says the side effects should lessen as I get used to the meds.”
“That’s good, Vince.”
He eyed the cookies and she passed the plate to him. “Here you go, cookie monster. Didn’t you have enough to eat at the Village?”
“Always room for your cookies, Lulah.”
She watched him bite and chew, the muscles of his neck contracting as he swallowed, and he grinned when he caught her looking. “
What?” he asked.
“You. I shouldn’t say this, but you’re rather gorgeous, you know.”
“You’re not bad yourself, imp.” He reached out a hand to her. “Come here.”
As she took his hand he pulled her in between his thighs, and locked his legs around her middle. “I have to go tomorrow for the divorce mediation. I’m kind of nervous about custody. You know, if it goes badly I’m scared I’m going to freak and that will make it worse.”
“Take Calliope with you. You can use her for a break if you need it, like we talked about today. Give her the signal, she’ll act restless, and you can say she needs to go outside. She knows how to play that game. And if you have her there to touch, to stroke, it’ll help with the stress.”
“What if they won’t let me take her in?”
“She’s a service dog. They’ll let her in.”
He placed his hands on her shoulders. “I’m scared. I hate feeling like this. I have no control of the situation or the outcome and if it starts turning bad, I don’t have a weapon to protect myself.”
“Yeah, you do, Vince. You have your calm, which, tomorrow you’re going to have to dig deep for and hold tight—two hands, please—so that it won’t slip away. You have your beautiful smile and your quiet acceptance which I honestly believe you’ll be able to show all of them, so that when the moment is right, you can go after time with Gable knowing that you and she will be safe with each other.”
She saw his sigh tremble in his chest. “Hey, Vince, there are not many people who would be as perceptive as you, nor as generous in putting your own desire to be with your daughter aside until you are well enough. Most would demand their right to access and that would be it. It’s a totally selfless act, and I’m sure the mediator will take that into consideration.”
“How is it you see in me the things I can’t find?” His fingers gripped her shoulders so tight she struggled not to grimace.
“Relax, Vince.” His grip eased, the fingers of one hand playing with the shoulder seam on her t-shirt. “Perhaps you’re looking in the wrong place, or maybe you can’t see because you have these harsh, self-judging blinkers on. I can only see what you show me, therefore what I tell you I see…you have to believe me, it’s there.”
“I look in my heart, you know? When I returned from combat I thought I was incapable of ever loving again, but seeing Gable, I found such an intense need to protect her. I hoped it was driven by love, that if I was around her enough she would feed that and help it grow. But I lost her pretty quick and although my heart aches for her, that ache is a comfort because it means I haven’t lost the capacity to love.”
“You’re going to be great, tomorrow, Vince. Be honest with them, be yourself so that they understand how determined you are to get better.” She brushed her hands along his hard thighs and felt the muscles contract and relax beneath her touch. “Come and sit by the fire.” She’d lit it when they came in, more for the companionship of the firelight than the need for warmth. She sat on the rug, patting the space beside her to indicate where she wanted him to sit. He passed her the mugs of tea, moving in behind her so that the armchair at his back braced him. Again, he pulled her between his outstretched legs.
“Do you mind if I hold you like this?”
His words ruffled her hair. Shuffling back more, she nestled against him. “Sure, I like it.” She waited a few breaths for them both to settle, to find a rhythm and ease in this proximity so that it felt less intimate. “You never speak of your parents, Vince.”
She left him the space of an open inquiry and waited in his silence, noticed his heart speed as he held his breath. If he couldn’t share any more tonight, that was no bother because she spent her life waiting for damaged creatures to offer up a secret and accept the help of an extra hand to carry a burden. When he finally spoke it was relief she could hear in the tone of his voice and she shifted around to face him, to witness that. She settled to sit cross-legged between his bent legs, her elbows resting on his knees.
“My parents…they’re ordinary, they’re, well, they’re great. If I had carried on along my path, the sunlit one with the smooth surface and flowers along the border—the path they wished for me to take, instead of joining the Marines—their life would have been simple. I studied graphic art. Dad is a sign-writer. They were confused, I think hurt, over my drive to join up. There is no military history in my family. But they were proud of me, you know, puzzled, but proud. And my sisters, they’re both a bit younger. They were entering their teens when I left and they pretty much hoped I’d bring hot Marines home on leave with me.”
“I have to say, I’m with your sisters on that one.”
Vince smiled. “I think it hurt Dad the most. Mom of course carried that fear that I’d be injured, or worse, but for Dad, well, he’d hoped I might take over his business someday, but once I joined the Marines he sort of shut me out. Even at college, I helped him with design work, and of course, the whole nature of the business was changing in a direction he didn’t want to go—using computers and stuff. He prefers to work by hand. Now I understand why.
“I know they were proud of me, but I could see that start to slide away when I returned. They thought I was a hero, treated me like a hero, wanted to give me a homecoming fit for a conqueror and I was so disconnected from that. What I saw in their eyes—the person, the idea of me they’d built up in their minds—that’s not the ‘me’ who came home. It felt as though I was bringing something filthy to the table. It took three months before I finally accepted the celebration meal my mother had planned for me since the day I arrived. I wasn’t even close to ready for it but every time I put it off, it hurt everyone that little bit more. I barely made it through the meal. I never got to dessert. Taryn was so angry with me for ruining it, but it felt fraudulent. I was no longer their son because they didn’t deserve what I’d become. I was an impostor. Taryn kept telling me I needed to try harder. Hell, if she maybe once listened to me, to have some idea about how hard I was trying…”
He appeared to focus on something in the dying fire, but what he saw was maybe that night at his parent’s house, or possibly something thousands of miles away.
“Then it finally happened.” Lulah startled when he spoke again. “My middle sister’s boyfriend asked me if I’d killed anyone. Had I? How many? Dinner had finished and Gable slept on my lap when he asked. I clutched her so hard she woke and let out a small cry. It was the question. Why did he ask that? Taryn snatched Gable from me as if I was tainted with some sort of contagion. I didn’t blame her. I mean, what sort of mother would place her child in the arms of a murderer? In that moment she took Gable away I saw this look in her eyes and I realized she’d wanted to ask that question since my return.”
Chapter 18
“YOU’RE NOT A murderer, Vince. In your heart, you know that. I’m not the person to tell you this because I don’t have the skills to unlock the parts of you that are jammed up right now. You were a soldier, a warrior, doing the job that warriors have done for centuries. I wish I could help you, but all I can do is listen. I will listen for as long as you want to talk. Nothing you tell me will change the way I think about you. Believe that, please. Talking will help, but I’m sorry, really in-my-heart-sorry, that I don’t know how to bring you out of this.”
They were silent and she wondered again if he was somewhere else, at another family dinner, or back there. She would wait because in her own words she already professed her inability to make sense of the way he was right now. If she said more, she would only endanger that thread of trust played between them.
“We wear a uniform in the best attempt to deflect whatever is thrown our way. We protect our bodies, but our souls…” his voice drifted softly and hung in the night before he drew a long breath and spoke directly to her. “Our souls and our hearts go to battle exposed.”
Calliope came and stood beside him, looking first at Lulah and back to Vince as if waiting for an extra cue. Clearly she sensed Vince’s distre
ss but it also seemed she didn’t want to muscle in with Lulah there. Lulah indicated with a quick nod of her head that Calliope should do her work.
The dog nudged Vince’s arm with her muzzle, gently drawing a pat from him. As he drew his hand along Calliope’s spine she settled on the floor at his side.
Vince turned back to Lulah. “I’m so tired of feeling like this. Maybe once the divorce is over I’ll feel a little more free. The more I tell Doc, the better some parts of my life are working. Now that I trust him, I don’t know what I’d do without him. And you, Lulah. You help.”
She stiffened before she had time to stop herself. “That’s what friends are for.” It was an attempt at a save and they both knew it. For some reason offering her help was okay, but she didn’t want him to need her. Whenever he made that sort of comment, it reminded her of the way her father used to tell her what a help she was by letting him empty her piggy bank. Such a fine daughter cleaning and cooking and doing the kind of housework a twelve-year-old girl shouldn’t be doing. How much he needed her. Being a good girl, never complaining, always helping out in any way she could, made it easier for him to shift from trailer park to trailer park, until in the end she wasn’t even being enrolled in schools when they moved to a new area. Who needed schooling anyway when she could help Daddy?
Now she’d totally messed up with Vince. He’d pulled back the way he did sometimes, instead concentrating on that long broad stroke along Calliope’s back.
“Have you seen your parents since?”
He shook his head. “We speak on the phone, but I’ve caused them so much hurt, I won’t go back until I’m better. It’s going to be hard because I’ve kept myself away for so long.”
His arm stilled mid-stroke. “The things you miss from your family, they’re so small yet so important. I remember being hurt as a kid, maybe when you came off your bike, something like that. Mom would patch me up, give me a drink, something to eat and she’d make a little joke to help you forget about your skinned knees and she’d always say, ‘There’s that smile.’ The next time I see her I want her to be able to say that again. Right now, if I visit them, all I can see is the pain I’ve caused and believe me, a smile is the last thing I can do. Can’t fake a smile, Lulah.”
