by Tasman Gibb
Chapter 33
“YOU’RE QUIET, LULAH. Would you like to tell me what’s on your mind?”
Lulah forced a lightness to her voice. “I’m sure you’ve had enough of angst-loaded people after this weekend. I’m fine.”
“Which means you’re not fine. I can be wearingly persistent, and a person with a problem is the juicy bone to my inner dog.” She threw Lulah a quick grin.
What the heck? She’d put a lot of carefully crafted effort into encouraging Vince to seek help; it would be hypocritical not to accept the chaplain’s offer. “I’m confused. Vince’s improvement has been spectacular, and I should be thrilled. I am thrilled, but I feel a little weird about it, and I can’t grasp why.”
“If you based your relationship on helping Vince, you may feel a little knocked out of place.”
“That’s what puzzles me. I’ve put a lot of effort toward making sure Vince wouldn’t rely on me. I wanted him to seek help, to do it for himself instead of using me as a crutch.”
“That’s very healthy. So who in your past used you as a crutch?”
Oh, no-no-no, not going there. This isn’t some therapy session. Lulah stared out the window, riding the silence, and Adoette let her be for the next few miles. Hoping that conversation was over, she felt uneasy when Adoette used the car’s indicator to signal a right turn, even though there was no side-road evident in the distance. Lulah soon realized she’d been outwitted.
“Not many people know this spot,” Adoette said, slowing the car. “There’s a lovely stream down here. They packed us some lunch at the retreat, and this driver’s hungry, so we’ll stop for a half hour.”
Lulah helped Adoette unpack the lunch of sandwiches, fruit, and bottled water. She spread out the blanket to sit on. The day was overcast, and the stream’s flow abundant in the aftermath of the previous day’s rain.
“I often stop here on my way back from a retreat. It helps me center myself again and prepare for my work back at the VA.”
Lulah wasn’t certain whether to respond. The bite she’d taken from the sandwich sat thick and dry in her mouth, as if her stomach rebelled against the idea of food. She took a sip from her bottle of water. Right now she wanted to return to Dog Haven Sanctuary where everything was predictable.
“The retreat has an effect on everyone who visits. Veterans and civilians alike,” Adoette continued. “It’s not uncommon to feel bewildered when you leave. You’ll have to watch Vince for that, too. But you, Lulah, how do you feel?”
Why was the truth stopped up in her chest? There was no shame in telling the chaplain about her feelings, and it would be better to get it off her chest. “I feel as though Vince doesn’t need me anymore. We had this relationship over the past few months, but I pushed him away.” Her eyes burned, heavy with the pressure building behind them. She stared at her sandwich and placed it back on the napkin. “No, that’s not right. I didn’t so much push him away as step back from him when he needed me.” A couple of tears escaped. “I should have done so much more for him, but I couldn’t allow myself…”
“I think you did what felt right in your heart, and that’s the main thing.”
“No, it’s not. I was selfish, I didn’t want another unreliable man letting me down. I don’t have the strength to prop him up.”
Adoette gave a gentle laugh. “Let me guess: unreliable father, huh?”
Lulah nodded.
“That’s a hard lesson to learn, and I’m not surprised you were leery of helping Vince. Some of these veterans are really tough work, and having a relationship with someone as damaged as Vince isn’t what any parent would want for their daughter. But your strength helped Vince. You can thank your father one day for that life lesson, tough as it was. Not allowing Vince to become dependent on you forced him to seek his own help. Even though he wavered at times, letting it beat him down, he always resurfaced for the next struggle, determined to win the fight. If you’d propped him up, he’d never have improved. Don’t punish yourself, Lulah, because it would have been easier to have become susceptible to his need.”
It would be great to believe Adoette’s words, even though it felt like the easy way out. But she couldn’t because something in her still niggled.
“There’s something else, Lulah?”
The chaplain was beyond spooky.
“Take this opportunity to get it off your chest.”
She’d give it a try. It wasn’t as if she ever had to see Adoette again. And surely she was bound by some sort of confidentiality code. “Do you know about Vince’s dream?”
“Yes, that was quite an epiphany, in the truest sense of the word.”
“I find it hard to believe that, you know, it was a dream. And now he’s staying on another day at the retreat.”
“You’re scared, Lulah.”
She jerked her head and found Adoette’s firm gaze resting on her face. Right on, chaplain, she was scared. “I feel as though I’m losing him,” she whispered, ashamed to say the words too loud because maybe it was her fault. Maybe she pushed him away one time too often. “I thought he would turn to me this morning, but he went straight back to you and Eric. I guess I’m scared he will become dependent on you, and that will become a new crutch for him.”
“You are losing him.”
Oh, God, what was this? Were they all crazy? She wanted to go back to the retreat and not leave until Vince agreed to come with her.
“You’re losing the old Vince, the one who couldn’t function, who suffered rages and fear, a disconnect with his soul. In its place is something so much better, if that’s what you want. But the new Vince needs nurturing, because this isn’t a cure. PTSD doesn’t vanish, but it can be accommodated into a normal, fulfilling life. He turned to Eric and me this morning because he wanted to fully understand what happened in the dream. He’s so invested in this opportunity to heal that he doesn’t want to leave until he’s ready. Vince is a warrior, Lulah, remember that. He won’t leave until a mission is complete. For him, this is probably the biggest mission of his life.”
Lulah hoped Adoette was right. She stood and brushed off leaves. “We should head off.”
“Believe me, Lulah, there is plenty of work for you to do with Vince. I know you understand that from the broken dogs you deal with. You don’t let them become too needy, but you also know that even when they are well enough to be rehomed, they need a special home that understands that, in a fragile moment, the dog will need a little extra care.”
“I understand.” She was right, of course. Even Justice, lucky as he was to live with an expert like Marlo, still had his moments when his courage deserted him.
They packed their gear in the car, and once everything was loaded in the trunk, Adoette took her hand. “Vince stayed on for another day to work through his dream with Eric. He needed to talk about it, to make sense of it, and Eric has done a lot of work with dream healing. Vince couldn’t have been in a better place to have that dream. That it came after you witnessed his story is probably no coincidence.”
It surprised Lulah that she slept for most of the journey home, and when Adoette dropped her off at the Sanctuary to pick up Joker and her car, she gave her a warm hug before pressing her card into Lulah’s palm. “Please, call me any time you’re concerned, Lulah. Either about your thoughts or about Vince.”
Lulah returned the hug and thanked her. She liked Adoette, and normally she would have been a lot more open, but something still bothered her. Not about the chaplain, but about the way she’d felt this morning when Vince went to Adoette and Eric rather than discussing the way he was feeling with her. Before she’d left, Vince came out of Eric’s office to say goodbye, gave her a light peck on the cheek—the way one would a relative you saw only at Christmas and weddings—turned his back, and was gone. Such a difference from the way he was when she’d arrived, the way they had been through the night.
She returned to her cabin and prepared some dinner. Thank goodness Marlo and Adam were out for the night
, so she didn’t have to give a report on the weekend until she had the time to think about it herself. Once she’d eaten, she went to the sofa. With a glass of wine in one hand and the other resting on Joker’s head, she pushed away the thought of having Vince there with her.
He didn’t need her any more. Had she been the pathway to his cure? Vince would never have intentionally used her, yet that didn’t mean she hadn’t been that bridge. There was the chance that when he saw her again, returned to the cabin to begin work on his commissions, she would remind him of his past pain. He’d spoken of moving on, and she understood, now, that her deepest fear was that this healing would take him away to start a new life.
She should have been more careful about what she wished for.
ADAM AND MARLO were already in the office when she arrived for the regular Monday morning meeting.
Lulah noticed three mugs of coffee sat on Marlo’s desk. “What, no donuts?”
Marlo cast an indecipherable look at Adam.
“No time for driving to town this morning,” he said.
Not since that episode when the anti-pit bull brigade hijacked her online accounts, spreading a video of lies about Justice all over the internet, had she felt this uneasy. That sure had been tense, but this was worse.
Adam handed her a coffee. “Take a seat.”
Lulah pulled a face. “This feels like one of those moments when I should say that I’d rather stand.”
“Sit.”
Lulah headed for an armchair. “Trust you, Marlo, to break it down to canine simplicity. I’m sitting, okay, but I’m wondering where my donut reward is.”
“I’m going into town, later. I’ll buy donuts, one in every flavor, all for you, Lulah.”
“Now, that’s more like it.” Despite their kidding around, the idea of trying to eat a donut made her stomach churn.
“No point in messing around,” Adam began. “There’s bad news, but the dark cloud has a bright lining.”
“The weather’s going to turn, huh? Rain, sleet, or snow?” Her attempt at joking delayed the inevitable.
“CRAR have made their appointment for director of the service dog program. The new woman starts at the end of the month. Her name is Steffi Benson.”
Lulah’s face grew hot. Her heart tried to climb into her throat, closer to an air supply. She couldn’t speak even if she could find the right words.
“Are you okay, Lulah?”
She nodded. As okay as a total loser could be. She lifted her coffee mug to her mouth but replaced it on the table. If she tried to drink, she’d gag.
“The appointment is only for twelve months—”
“Sure,” Lulah shrugged. “That makes me feel much better.” God, now she behaved like a child. She shook her head. “Sorry, I’m, you know, totally bummed by the news.”
“If it’s any consolation, we are, too.” Marlo gave her a small smile. “The whole program will be revisited in twelve months, and at that time, provided you have your animal behavior degree, you can apply again. We’re assured the position will be yours at that time.”
“Unless the board changes, or the criteria change, or this Steffi person turns out to be awesome sauce and you guys couldn’t let her go.”
“She’s run a service dog program in Florida for three years, working with assistance dogs for people with physical disabilities, and she wants to broaden her skills. The two of you can work together, and Mike will come up from time-to-time to make sure everything’s on track. Steffi was quite happy to take a one-year contract, because she wants to travel.”
“Until she comes here and sees what a great place it is.”
Adam shook his head. “The board is ultimately accountable for spending funds, and the people who donate need to know that we’re putting together the best team for the program. Unfortunately, that entails qualifications.”
“Which I’d probably have if Dad hadn’t…” Oh, hell, she wasn’t going to join any sort of blame circle. She stood, trying to dismiss the slump of disappointment that weighed her down. “I’d better go down to HQ before the interns start experimenting with half-assed behavior theories again.”
“Come back up for lunch, will you?” Marlo asked.
“I’ll see how I go.” Lulah paused at the door. “Sorry, I’m not shooting the messenger. I knew what the requirements were all along. I hoped that the work I’d done with Calliope might have counted for something.”
“It did. That’s why only a twelve-month contract was offered.”
“Sure.”
“And, Lulah…”
“Yes, boss?”
Marlo fixed her with a no-nonsense stare. “Don’t even think about looking for another job. Your place is here, got it?”
Lulah stood to attention, clicked her heels, and saluted. She knew that made Marlo crazy.
“One more thing, how did it go with Vince in the weekend?”
She dropped her hand and lost the staunch stance. Right now, she didn’t want to think about Vince. “It was fine.”
“That bad, huh?”
“No, it was great, but a lot to take in. I’ll tell you about it later.” She scooted down the steps and across the flagstones, calling for Joker to follow as she broke into a jog for HQ. Perhaps her father could be found playing slots in a local bar and complete her day.
LULAH DECIDED TO have a glass of wine before she made the phone call. Luck hadn’t flowed her way these past few days, and the wine would help her lose the superstitious thoughts about the potential of the call becoming her third bomb-out. Ten minutes later, having done some of the smoothest talking she’d managed in, well, forever, she put down the phone and made a fist-pump. “Third time’s the charm, so take that, you mystic devil of bad luck.” Now to pull Vince in. He should have left the Retreat by now and be heading upstate to photograph his first dog commission. Two days would give him plenty of time to take the photos and drive back to Halo Peak. She’d give him a call in the morning.
The success of her call gave her a lift. Every time she thought about losing the promotion, she also stressed about getting the money together to buy the cabin. She still wanted to pay Vince back the money he’d spent clearing Ray’s loan, even though he insisted he didn’t want the money. But perhaps buying the cabin wasn’t so much of an issue now. If she found she couldn’t work with this Steffi person, she’d be moving on herself.
Ray, at least, cooperated. When she’d visited him on her way home from work, she’d found him up, dressed, and sketching in the small garden outside his room at the rehab center. He’d greeted her with the old cheeky grin that made her heart melt and told her he’d been accepted at a place to help with his gambling. He also gave her a list of art supplies he wanted.
She took another sip of wine and put her glass down. Time now to stop focusing on negative stuff. The men in her life were healing, their own lives back together in exactly the manner she hoped. This was her opportunity to focus on her own life, finish her degree, and be ready to grab that promotion in twelve months’ time. She would look at working with Steffi as an opening to broaden her skills. No more pussyfooting around and feeling sorry for herself. With new resolve, she headed for bed. Tomorrow she’d finish her plan for Vince she’d put in motion earlier.
Chapter 34
LULAH ARRIVED FIRST at the community dog training meet-up point. She hadn’t experienced such a swarm of stomach butterflies since the night of the auction. What she had organized tonight was probably more important for Vince than taking the stage at the auction on his behalf. He wasn’t here, but she was early, so she ordered Joker out of the SUV and set off around the park to give him a walk. It would settle her nerves as much as benefit the dog.
When she reached a spot near the park bench, where she’d sat with Vince a few weeks ago, her phone rang. The caller ID showed it was her rental agent for the cabin, and she contemplated ignoring the call. Probably a rent rise, and that sort of news could wait until later in the evening. She threw Joker’s
ball into some bush to make the fetch game they were playing more challenging and watched his furiously wagging tail disappear into the trees.
When the agent called a second time, she decided she might as well deal with him. If it was a rent rise, ignoring his call wouldn’t change a thing. Two minutes later, she cut off the call, her hands shaking, her world breaking apart. The cabin had sold. She’d taken too long getting the money together, too stubborn to go to the bank for a loan. She wanted to kick herself, kick the new owner, and kick Albert’s family for refusing to honor the agreement that she would have first refusal on the property if another interested party showed up.
No chance, no warning. The new owner hadn’t even viewed the place.
Joker sat at her feet, his great pink tongue lolling from one side of his mouth, his head ducking repeatedly to indicate he’d dropped the tennis ball in front of her and would she kindly pick it up and throw it now, please? Lulah stayed frozen in place on the park bench. Turned out bad luck did come in threes.
Across the park, students and dogs gathered for class. She knew she should head over there, compose herself, deal with the students but…shit, she wanted to cry. She rubbed at her eyes, took a couple of big breaths, and called Joker to heel.
“Fuck it.” There, she said it. Not that it changed anything, but somehow it helped free some stress. She pulled her shoulders back, pasted on a smile, and set off at a jog to meet her students. When she arrived at the group, she saw Vince wasn’t there, but his no-show scarcely raised any emotion. Seemed it didn’t matter how she tried to arrange things, nothing worked for her. She cast her gaze around the jumbled group one more time and found the other person she hoped would be here.
Wow. She was gorgeous.
VINCE PULLED UP to the park where the small group of people with their dogs were starting to assemble for community dog training. It was Lulah’s turn to take the class this evening, and she’d asked for his help. She said it was graduation night and that usually one of the interns helped out, but there was nobody available.
