by Ellie Wade
I remember him and our life together because I can’t forget.
I won’t.
It’s the eyes. They stare into my soul, and all I feel is happy, whole, and loved. My surroundings are blurry but I don’t want to leave this place. I want to stay here and look into his beautiful deep brown eyes forever.
I jolt awake with a gasp, my hand to my chest, and take stock of my surroundings. I’m in my bedroom. Leo, and his stunning blues stare at me from my bedside table. My heart beats rapidly against my chest.
Breathe.
My dream, the details are lost, but the feeling lingers, that of happiness and love. It was just Amos and me.
I jump out of bed. Love and Lee-Anne can be heard downstairs. I brush my teeth and make my way toward the giggles. My mother’s Spanish music is playing from the speakers. I remember this song from when I was a child. It’s one of Shakira’s earlier albums.
Love and Lee-Anne are dancing in the living room. Each of them is shaking their hips, Love in her princess jammie dress and Mom in a bright purple jogging suit. I halt at the foot of the stairs and just watch them. Pure joy. Every day is an adventure with those two, and as Love grows, so does my mom. I feel like I’m getting to know her true self a little more each day. I hope that my dad can see her from wherever he is. I like to think he’d be over the moon happy to see how well she’s doing. I only wish they could’ve both gotten clean earlier, and that I could’ve known him too.
“No one told me I was missing a dance party!” I shout over the music, a big grin on my face.
“Come, Chiquita!” Lee-Anne waves me over. “Estamos bailando.”
“I see that,” I say. “I want to dance, too.” I grab Love's hands and twirl her around. She laughs as her nightgown spins in a circle around her.
The three of us dance to songs, the lyrics of which I can only pick out bits and pieces of, and it’s freeing. It’s fun and happy and exactly what I need. Finally, Love plops down on the rug, done with dancing. I turn down the music, scoop Love up, and together we sit on the sofa.
“You’re here bright and early, Mom.”
Lee-Anne takes a seat on the other end of the couch. “I didn’t sleep well last night and was up with the sun. So, I just came over.”
“I didn’t sleep that well last night, either,” I admit. “You know what I think we need today? A little vitamin D therapy. Maybe a girls’ day to the beach?”
“Beach! Beach! Beach!” Love claps her hands.
“That sounds fun,” my mom says. “No Amos?”
“Not today. It’ll be just us girls. We can pack a picnic, sand and water toys and make a whole day of it.”
“I love pic-a-nics!” Love squeals.
I hug her tight. “I know you do, little Love.”
“I’ll make breakfast first,” Lee-Anne offers.
“Nope.” I shake my head. “It’s a girls' day of fun, which means no cooking. Let’s go to the Gandy Dancer down by the tracks to eat. They have the best Sunday brunch. We’ll bring the cooler and pick up sandwiches, sides, and drinks from Zimmerman’s after brunch for our picnic. There are some healthy and delicious options at both of those places,” I say.
“That’s true. I do enjoy their food.”
“Then it’s settled. We just need to gather the beach stuff.”
The three of us jump off the couch ready to start the day. Despite the events of last night, and the broken sleep that followed, I’m consumed with an excited energy.
One of the many things that my time with Leo taught me was the beauty of Michigan. Prior to college, I hadn’t visited most of the state in which I live, including the five Great Lakes that border the state. Leo and I traveled a lot throughout the five years we were together. That time together made me fall in love with nature and the peace that it can bring. I need that serenity today.
I don’t think we’ll venture out to one of the Great Lakes, as they are a bit of a drive. One of the local lakes will work just fine.
12
Alma
Water slides up onto the beach, filling the moat around the sandcastle we built. Love’s plastic Snow White figurine stands atop the lump of sand protecting the castle from intruders. Ariel and a few of her princess friends bob in the sandy water filling the moat.
Love sleeps soundly beneath the beach umbrella. The day at the lake has wiped her out. Mom and I sit on the vibrant-hued blanket, our arms propped up behind us, legs out in front, as we soak in all of the sun’s rays. I can almost see my skin tanning as the streams of light heat my legs. I’m obsessed with the sun probably more than someone who lives in Michigan should be. We can go weeks without a glimpse of it during the winter months, but our summers make up for it.
“I never took you to the beach when you were young.” Lee-Anne’s voice is low. “I can’t believe that.” She looks over toward her sleeping grandbaby. “She had the best day. I don’t think her smile faltered for one second. I never gave that to you, that joy.”
She shakes her head, her lips tilting down, and looks back toward the water.
I don’t offer a response.
These declarations are something that Lee-Anne does quite often. Sometimes I tell her that it’s okay and it’s in the past. I turned out fine, and I forgive her. She knows all of this. There’s nothing she can do to change it now. A part of me thinks these random pronouncements are her way of coming to terms with who she was then compared to now. She regrets so much. Truthfully, my heart breaks for her. If I suddenly woke up twenty years from now with Love grown, and me having missed most of it, I’d be beside myself with grief.
I opt to cut Lee-Anne’s self-reflection short. “Amos kissed me last night,” I blurt out, my voice shaking.
She gasps and twists her body to face me. “What? When? How? Did you kiss him back?” she spits out the questions in rapid succession.
I sigh and shrug my shoulders. “After you left. We were watching a show, and then he seemed to want to talk about something important, and before I knew it, his lips were on mine.”
“Did you kiss him back?”
“Yeah.” I squint. “I guess. Yes, I did, but then I was crying, so he stopped. I told him I couldn’t do it, and then I ran upstairs, and he left.” I blow out a breath. “Then I dreamed about him and I together, which freaked me out. So, now…we’re here.”
“So you’re hiding from him? Has he called?”
I shake my head. “He’s giving me space and time to process everything, I’m sure. And I’m not hiding, per se. I just needed a day to decompress and clear my head.”
“Well, what are you thinking?” Pulling her knees up to her chest, she wraps her arms around them.
“First, that you were right.” I scoff. “There are clearly feelings there.”
“Well, obviously, Almalee.”
“He was my second kiss, Mom. I’ve only ever been with Leo, and it felt wrong, like I was betraying him. It hurt.” my voice cracks.
“You’ve only been with one person?” Lee-Anne’s question carries an air of astonishment.
“Yeah, I thought you knew that.”
“Whoo!” she exclaims, her eyes wide. “You are nothing like me, Chiquita. I was fooling around with boys when I was fourteen. Your father and I would sleep with other couples quite often, in fact, all together.”
“Mom!” I protest. “Great. Now, I can add orgies to the list of things I did not need to know about you and Vati. Seriously, Mom. Don’t you think that list is already long enough?” I shudder.
“Alma, if there’s one thing I’ve always been with you, it’s honest. I’m not going to change now. You’re a grown woman. You can talk about sex without freaking out.” The corner of her lip tilts into a smile.
“Yes, Mother, but there is something called too much information. I don’t need to know everything. Okay?”
“Well, I couldn’t tell you everything if I wanted to, anyway. Your father and I were always high on something, so the details are a little foggy, at bes
t.”
“Bummer.” I chuckle under my breath.
I could live a lifetime without the added knowledge I now have of my parents. But I have to give it to my mother. Moments ago, I was on the verge of tears. Now, the conversation isn’t as difficult.
Lee-Anne taps my knee. “Okay, so—you and Amos—you do understand that you did nothing wrong. You’re young. You can and should move on. Leo would want that for you and for Love. Right?”
I simply nod, the lump in my throat returning.
“Almalee, mi amor, look at me,” Lee-Anne urges. I turn to face her, my lip quivering. “It’s okay to move on. It’s okay.”
“I don’t know how to move on when I still love him so much,” I admit.
“Baby, you’re always going to love him, and that’s fine. You’ll never replace Leo. He is a great love of your life, your husband, and the father of your little girl. I promise you will love him forever. Yet you can have another great love, a man who is here and can love you back, a man who can hold you and kiss you, and adore your daughter. Your next love will need to understand that he shares your heart with Leo. And if he’s the one, he’ll be understanding of that.”
“I can’t ever forget, Leo, Mom.” I shake my head, my eyes filling with tears.
She squeezes my knee reassuringly, “You never will. Some details may fade, but you’ll always remember the stuff that matters. I promise you.”
I pull in a deep breath through my nose. My chest rises as I turn toward the blue water. The soft waves lap against the sandy beach.
“I don’t know how to love someone else the way I love Leo,” I whisper.
“You’ll never love someone the way you love Leo. You’ll love him differently, unique to him. It won’t be the same, but it will be amazing, maybe even better.”
“No,” I protest.
She holds her hands up in surrender. “Okay, we won’t say better…just different but equally as wonderful. Falling in love is magical, mi hija. Open your heart so you can feel it again. Do you think you could love Amos as more than a friend?”
“Maybe. I’ve had feelings that’ve leaned in that direction…when I was younger. I mean, I love him already. So much.”
“Well, he’s very handsome,” she says. “Always has been.”
“Yes, he is,” I agree.
“He’s smart, kind, and understanding. He adores both you and Love. He’s always taken care of you.” She pauses. “I know I missed a lot, Almalee, but I never missed how much that boy loved you, cared for you, and protected you.”
Reaching to my side, I trace my finger along the sand and draw a heart. “He did. Always.”
“This hurts me to say, but I think you’re who you are today because of him, not your father or me.”
“Yeah,” I agree softly. “I think I want to try. I’m just afraid of losing him. I’ve had him my whole life. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t. We don’t know if we’re compatible romantically. What if it doesn’t work out and it’s so awkward that I lose him?”
“Nope,” she says adamantly, the ‘p’ sound echoing off her lips. “That would never happen. He’s your soul mate, Alma. You two have been drawn to each other since you were itty bitty. He’s destined to be in your life always, in one way or another. You won’t lose him. But if you’re worried. Talk to him. Tell him your fears. He’ll understand.”
“He always does,” I admit. No one has ever understood me the way that Amos does. “I’m going to try.” I nod my head with determination.
“That’s all you can do.”
“I just wish I didn’t have to. I wish Leo were here with me.” I press my lips together.
“Wishes are a powerful thing. They can lift your spirits high when you’re dreaming of an enchanting future. But if you’re wishing for the impossible, your life is going to slip through your fingers while you’re waiting for something that can never be. Don’t waste your life on a dream. Soak up the magic. Live. Life moves too fast, and you don’t want to miss it.”
I cover my mom’s hand with mine. “You know, you might not have been there for me when I was young, but I can’t imagine a better mom to be here for me now. The universe must’ve known that I’d need you the most as an adult. I want you to know that you make our life, mine and Love’s, better every day with your presence. I’m so grateful for you. Love is so lucky to have the best Gigi ever. I love you, Mom.”
She presses her trembling lips together as a few tears roll down her sun-kissed cheeks and nods.
A groggy toddler voice catches our attention. “Momma.”
“Hey, baby. Did you have a good nap?”
She nods and stands from the beach blanket. “I firsty.”
I hand her a juice box, and she crawls into my lap. I tuck her hair, stringy with sunscreen residue, behind her ear and kiss her head.
“It’s almost dinnertime. Are you ready to get going, or should we take one more dip into the lake?” I ask.
The mention of leaving has rejuvenated my sleepy girl. She pops up from my lap, drops her empty juice box, and extends both of her hands. Mom and I each take one and follow her toward the water.
Love giggles as the waves tickle our feet. The sand squishes beneath my toes, grounding me to the present. This right here—the tiny hand in my grasp and the happiness in my soul—is why my heart beats. I have an incredible life, and I’m going to cherish every minute of it. I look at my mom, whose wide smile mirrors my own. There’s a world of magic destined for me, and I’m ready to soak it all in.
13
Alma
My chest tightens when I don’t see Amos’s car in its usual place in the parking lot of Lion’s Lair. He always beats me here in the morning.
I had intended on calling him and maybe having him over last night, but the long day at the beach zapped all of the energy from me. We were all exhausted when we got back. After our shower, Love and I crashed hard. The second my head hit the pillow, I was out. Lee-Anne even stayed over, which she never does. The task of walking a few blocks to her condo was too daunting.
I unlock the front doors and start prepping the building for another day. Jen wanders in a few minutes later.
“Good morning, Alma,” she sing-songs.
“Hi, Jen. How was your weekend in Chicago?”
“Amazing!” she squeals, thrusting her arm out to show me her hand. “I got engaged!”
“Oh my goodness!” I cheer and take her extended hand in mine to check out the ring. It’s a green stone surrounded by silver vines. It makes me think of nature and fairies, which is perfect for Jen. “It is so you. I love it.”
“Isn’t it? It’s an emerald. I never wanted a diamond, you know? Green has always been my favorite color…so, it’s just perfect.”
I pull her over to the sofa in the front lobby. “Tell me everything. I need details.”
“It was so romantic,” she dives into the proposal.
I listen, nod, and smile. Yet with each passing minute that Amos doesn’t show, I become more worried. I try to stop my gaze from darting to the front door every two seconds, but it’s all I want to do. I should’ve sent a text, at the very least, to Amos yesterday. I think I messed up.
When Jen’s story ends, I pull her into a hug. “I’m so happy for you, Jen.”
“Thanks, Alma.”
I excuse myself and hurry to my office. Pulling my cell phone from my purse, I type out a text to Amos.
Hey! I’m sorry I didn’t call yesterday. Mom, Love, and I spent the whole day at the beach. Love and I were passed out by seven. Lol
His response is almost immediate.
No worries. Sounds like you had a fun day.
Yeah, it was great.
I stare at my screen, but he doesn’t text anything else. Eighty-five minutes—fine, seconds—pass, but I can’t take it anymore.
Um…are you coming to work today?
Yeah, when I’m finished here.
Where?
Remember I had a meeting wi
th the Howard Corp. this morning? You know…they want to donate a crap ton of money to the Lair. Ringing any bells? Lol
I sit back in my office chair and look down toward my desk calendar. It’s huge, old-school, and redundant since I have a Google calendar, too. But there’s something about a big ole visual right in front of me that I love. Penned in with a fine point, hot pink Sharpie is Amos’s meeting with the Howard Corp. Had I bothered to open my calendar in my phone or computer this morning, his meeting would be scheduled in there as well.
I text back.
Oh, that’s right.
Everything okay?
He asks.
Perfect. I’ll see you soon. Love you.
Love you, too.
Well, apparently, Amos and I are fine, and I’m going crazy. We’re not even dating, and I’m already losing it. That can’t be a good sign. I’m twenty-seven years old, and I don’t know how to do this. It all just happened with Leo. He pushed me up against a few walls and kissed me. I convinced myself that I hated him until I couldn’t ignore the lust anymore and caved to his charm. We dated and fell in love. That’s my complete frame of reference.
I don’t know how to start something with someone I’ve loved for two decades.
There isn’t time to mull over it now. Jen messages me to let me know that my first tutoring appointment is here. Now that school is out for the summer, our days here are pretty busy with kids. Our recreation and food programs, especially.
I meet Jezebel in one of the tutoring rooms.
“Hey, Jez,” I greet her. She has to take summer school for math since she failed the subject this past seventh grade school year. The two of us meet every morning to go over the concepts for the day before she heads to school for her class.
“Hi, Alma.” She gives me a weak smile.
