“Life’s not very fair, is it?” He looked at her, his smile now one of sympathy.
“No, it’s not. How about you? Grant said you lost your parents too.”
“A long time ago, so long I don’t even remember what they look like, apart from photos. It’s not the same though; my memories of them come from the stories my grandparents told me when I was growing up. When my grandmother passed away a couple of years back, my grandfather began to suffer from dementia. So I feel like they’re slipping away, that I’m losing them again.”
“That’s sad, about your grandfather. Who looks after him while you’re away?”
He sighed. “He managed for some time, but it’s got to the point where he can’t always find his way home. So when I leave here I am going to find a residential home for him. Somewhere he’ll be happy. In a way I think it will do him good, I worry he’s a bit lonely.”
“I know how he feels.” Jennifer said.
“I thought you had plenty of friends here.”
“I do. It’s not the same as family though.”
“No boyfriend?” he asked quickly, then said, “Sorry. None of my business.”
“No. No boyfriend.” Admitting that made her feel like a complete failure, so she was relieved when she looked up from where her gaze had dropped to study the flowers in Mrs Graham's garden. “Here we are.”
Surprised how quickly the time had gone by, and by how much she enjoyed Harry’s company. They had slipped into an easy familiarity. Talking to him lifted her spirits, and made her think about someone else for a change. It hit her that she had spent so much time mourning her brother, and feeling sorry for herself, she had forgotten about the world outside of her own.
He held the gate open for her, and they walked into the cemetery, the large leafy trees giving them some shade as they strolled between the gravestones. It was a lovely peaceful place, and Jennifer liked coming here, it made her feel closer to her family. They were buried side by side, and that alone gave her some comfort.
There were no words to say, and for the first time silence fell between them. Harry bowed his head, and looked at Grant’s grave. She had no idea what he was thinking, and took a step away to leave him with his thoughts while she went to stand in front of her mom’s grave, and then her dad’s.
The coolness soothed her senses, and she closed her eyes. She could almost imagine them here, surrounding her with love. The breeze touching her cheek could be her mom’s fingers, pushing a stray strand of her hair away. The rustle of the leaves, the sound of her brother walking towards her on an autumn afternoon.
Time seemed to have no relevance. Only when she felt a warmth behind her, did she open her eyes and find Harry standing at her shoulder.
“Thank you for bringing me here. I wanted to say a last goodbye. Let’s hope he’s at peace now.”
“As peaceful as he’ll ever be.” She turned and looked at her brother’s grave. “He always loved being on the go. When he was home, he found something to fill every minute of the day. So full of life and energy, he made me feel worn out just thinking about how much he managed to fit in.”
“He was like that in camp. First to volunteer, whatever it was for.”
“Is that what got him killed?” she asked, and immediately regretted it. She had promised herself not to find out any more about the way Grant died. It had taken several days, and a good dose of sleeping pills to be able to close her eyes and not picture him in pieces, a broken body lying in the dirt.
“No, it was a regular patrol, nothing special, simply the wrong place at the wrong time. It could have been any of us...” His voice trailed off. “I’m sorry, that’s probably not what you wanted to hear.”
“I don’t know what I want to hear. I only know I miss him, and I want him to come back to me.”
For the first time, Harry touched her. He slipped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. It wasn’t a hug, or an embrace, just the comforting arm of a friend. If nothing else, she could settle for that, anything else seemed inappropriate.
“Can I buy you dinner?” he blurted out, quickly recovering himself. “If you’re hungry, we could eat together. Not a date or anything.”
His tone seemed off, and Jennifer wondered if he was offering through pity. Her first thought was to say no, she wasn't hungry. However, she found herself unwilling to let him simply disappear out of her life. He was the last tangible connection to Grant’s army life, she wanted to hold on to it for a little longer, and take comfort from this hunk of a man who made her feel safe.
“Sure, that would be nice. There’s a quiet restaurant not far from my house. But only if it’s not too much trouble, you must want to get back on the road.”
“Not really, I was thinking of staying for a few days. If you can point me in the direction of a hotel, once we’ve eaten I can go on and check in.”
“Oh. I thought this was a flying visit.”
“No…I mean if you don’t mind.” He looked unsure of himself again. “I thought I’d give you a hand with all the jobs you’d asked Grant to do when he came home on leave.”
She stopped and looked at him. “No, really there’s no need. Not that it isn’t very sweet of you to offer.”
Why did she feel they were both stumbling over their words? Walking here had been easy, now they had lost the familiarity, back to being strangers again. For Jennifer it was hard to see the meaning in his words and actions. She hated to be pitied, but didn’t want to be rude if it would make him feel better to do something for his best mate’s sister.
Grief was a strange beast, as she had found. People did not know how to treat each other. Old friends would cross the street to avoid her, rather than speaking to her. At first, she had found it heart breaking, but lately she had learned not to take it too personally. Other people fell over themselves to help her, to the point that she had wanted to scream at them to give her some space to grieve. Death was wrong. It knocked people sideways, turned them into socially inept idiots, and only the passing of time brought them back to themselves.
Jennifer had watched this, partly detached from herself. It had been a subject she wished she had never had to learn; instead, she had become an expert. So she allowed Harry to do as he wanted, going to dinner with him, and then letting him walk her home. Only then did she do something completely out of character.
“Listen. Why don’t you stay here? I have plenty of room. It seems silly for you to go and stay in a hotel.”
He hesitated, giving her one of those looks she found impossible to read. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”
“Oh. Why not?”
“I don’t want people to talk. You know, you having a man under your roof, unchaperoned.”
She laughed. “Don’t worry, that is not the kind of conclusion people will jump to.”
“Really?” he asked.
She turned to look at him, trying to see if he was winding her up, one thing she had not expected from him. Thankfully, that was not what she read in his face. Unfortunately, the look she did see there left her even more confused.
“I’m not exactly the greatest catch, you know.”
He didn’t answer, at first. “I didn’t mean to offend you. There were never any boyfriends mentioned in your letters, but I guessed you simply chose to leave those bits out.”
“No. Those bits simply don’t exist in my life.”
“Why not?”
She was taken aback by his question. “Because...I don’t know. Life gets in the way.”
Jennifer had never given it too much thought. She had grown up different to all of her friends. The responsibility of having a younger brother to look after had been so great she had thrown herself into it in a desperate attempt to block out her grief. Not until several months later did her parent’s deaths finally catch up with her.
She spent two days in bed as a result, struck down by grief. Only the threat of social services coming in and removing Grant had made her pick
herself up and somehow find the strength to move forward. Between work, and badgering Grant about homework, she had filled her days.
“But what life have you got if you don’t date?”
“That is none of your business.” Her words came out a lot harsher than she intended. “I’m sorry. You hit a nerve.”
“No, you’re right; it is none of my business. Look, perhaps I’ll go to that hotel after all.”
“Please don’t. It’ll be good to have someone in the house. You go get your bags, and I’ll show you to your room.”
He fetched his bags from the car, giving Jennifer a chance to pull herself together. It was true he had hit a nerve, until now Jennifer was unaware it was such a raw one. Since her parents passed away, she had concentrated on bringing up Grant. When he joined the army, she had already slipped into a steady life of work and keeping the house up together. The money Grant sent home went towards the many small jobs that had gone untouched for years. All she had wanted was an easy uncomplicated life, no drama, which had meant no boyfriends. She was in danger of becoming an old spinster without even realising it.
Now the death of Grant had given her a new reason to avoid love. Unknowingly she had convinced herself that if you didn’t love and care for someone, you could not get hurt. More, they could not die on you.
“Here. Where do you want me?”
His words cut through her thoughts, and for a split second, her guard was down. This allowed some very interesting thoughts to enter her head. If the circumstances had been different, if she had been different, the answer would have been most definitely, “In my bed”.
Instead, she answered, “I’ll show you the spare room. It won’t take me a minute to make the bed up for you.”
She led him upstairs, glad she had cleaned the house thoroughly. Not that it wasn’t always like that. When there was only one of you, it was easy, only now it had become a compulsion since Grant died. All the people traipsing through sent her into overdrive. It filled the empty hours of her life, the hours when she didn’t want to let go and allow her thoughts to wander.
Perhaps that was why Grant had always been on the go. It took his mind off the loss of their parents.
“Here’s the bathroom. And this is the bedroom. Put your stuff down, and I’ll get some sheets.”
She scuttled off, finding the close confines of the bedroom too much to bear. Grabbing some clean sheets, she went back to find him waiting for her.
“Need a hand?” he asked.
“No, I’m sure I can manage.” Her voice had risen to a squeak. If standing in the room with him had been too claustrophobic, making the bed around him was suffocating.
She imagined them tumbling onto the freshly made bed, his arms around her, his mouth against hers. The room felt too hot, and she was tempted to open the window and let the cool breeze in, but she also wanted to get this over with, and get out of there as quickly as possible. His very presence threatened to turn her world upside down. All her carefully contained emotions were threatening to spill out and leave her that uncontrollable wreck she had once descended into. Jennifer knew she could not let that happen. She must find a strength to resist him, he would be gone tomorrow, out of her life.
Thinking those thoughts in no way helped. For the first time in her life, she wanted to take a risk with her heart. Then she glanced down at his uniform, neatly folded in the bag he was unpacking.
It was impossible. There was no way she could give her heart to a man who put his life on the line for his country. Part of herself hated how ungrateful that sounded, but she couldn’t risk losing someone else that way.
“There,” she said, smoothing the covers flat. “I hope it’s comfortable. Is there anything else you need?”
“No. Thank you.” He paused, and again she felt as though there was something he was leaving unsaid.
“Good night.” She turned to leave.
“Jennifer.”
She didn’t want to turn, not trusting herself to keep the distance she needed between them. But she had to. “Yes.”
A long moment passed, full of longing. She wanted to believe on his part too, but when he simply said, “Good night, sweet dreams,” she knew it was only her imagination. He was a good man, but he was not her man.
“Night.”
Jennifer could hardly breathe; she carefully closed the bedroom door and headed for the bathroom. There like an automaton she went through her night time routine of cleaning her teeth and brushing her hair. Next, she changed into her nightshirt, perfectly functional, perfectly lacking in sex appeal.
Catching her reflection in the mirror, she considered the pink fluffy bunnies scampering over her body, and wondered what she was. A child, in some ways so mature, and yet so stuck in her past. A voice in her head told her she had to make a choice, carry on as she was, or grasp life in both hands and learn to live.
Sighing, she lay down, turned off the lamp, her ears searching the house for sounds of Harry moving around. The floorboards creaking, the bathroom door opening, and then she was sure she caught the sound of the bed dipping under his weight, and wished with all her heart that he lay next to her.
***
“Jennifer. Jennifer, honey. Wake up.”
She fought to find the voice calling her back to reality. Her arms flailed about as though she were struggling to reach the surface of a stagnant pond, weeds catching at her and pulling her back down into the murky depths.
“Jennifer.” Now there were arms around her pulling her back to safety. She wrapped her arms around the warm body next to her, and held on tight while she struggled to open her eyes.
Familiar surroundings came crowding back to her. The only thing out of place was the man next to her, trying to wake her, and comfort her, all at the same time.
“Harry,” she said, still sleep groggy. “I’m sorry I woke you.”
“Don’t be silly. Here, come on; take a few deep breaths, that’s it.”
His large hands rubbed her back gently. It reminded her of her mom, and the way she knew exactly how to comfort Jennifer when she woke from a bad dream. Giving in to the nostalgia of the moment, she allowed her body to go limp and rest against him, his comfort silent and overwhelming.
When she felt a little better she said, “Thanks, I haven’t had a dream like that for a few days. I thought they had passed.”
“Perhaps it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have come.”
“No,” she insisted, placing her hand over his and squeezing it gently. “I’m glad you did. The letters are so important to me. To know he read them, and thought of home. And the locket.” She stroked it with her fingers.
“Is there anything I can get you? A glass of water, or I could go and make you a cup of tea.”
“No. Thank you. I just want to sleep.”
“If you’re sure you’ll be OK on your own. It sounded bad.”
“They always are.” She snuggled down under the covers. “Will you stay, just for a few minutes?”
“Of course. For as long as you want.”
In her drowsy state, it never entered her head how wrong it was to ask him, all she knew was that he helped chase away the ghosts of her past, and for one night that was worth more than anything in this world.
***
Jennifer woke up, feeling incredibly relaxed, and warm. Only when she turned over did she find out why. Harry was in bed next to her, fast asleep with his arm draped over her possessively. Her first reaction was to push him away, to get out of bed and go downstairs.
However, the gentle rise and fall of his chest, the warmth of his body, all combined to make her relax, and curl up next to him again. Lying like this she could imagine she wasn’t so alone in this world, that she had someone to love and cherish her.
Jennifer had never woken up in the arms of a man before. The experience sent little shivers through her body. Harry was in her bed out of sympathy, and a need to protect her. However, in the place between sleep and reality, she could let
herself imagine that was not why he was here. Instead, he was in the place where he rightfully belonged, and so was she.
When he eventually stirred, she feigned sleep, her eyes tightly closed, and her breathing slow and deep despite the racing of her heart. His arm closed around her, pulling her closer to him, and she nearly jumped when she felt the hard press of his arousal against her back.
Fighting her shock she convinced herself it was simply a reaction to a dream he had, not to her in particular, no matter how much she wished it were otherwise. Not knowing what to do, she moved slightly, hoping she was acting as though she were waking up.
His grip loosened, and he moved away a little, giving her more space. Jennifer moved a little more, and then turned to face him.
“You stayed the night?” she asked.
“Yes, sorry, I didn’t want to disturb you, and then I fell asleep. I’ll get up and leave you in peace.”
“No,” she said a little too quickly when he moved his arm away from her. “I mean, you lie in, I’ll get you some breakfast.”
“No, really. I’m an early riser, I’ll get up with you, perhaps we can eat together, and then you can get me to work.”
“I’ll fix breakfast, but you don’t have to do anything around the house. I’ll manage.” She didn’t want to finish the sentence, although she did in her head. ‘Without Grant’, that was how she saw all her plans now.
“I’d like to, really.” He got up out of bed, and she could not drag her eyes away from his body. Tanned, toned and lean, his muscles rippled as he moved effortlessly across the floor and out of the door.
Slumping back down she felt the need to fan her whole body to cool her emotions. Images of him danced across her eyes, mentally undressing him while her lips kissed every inch of his smooth skin.
“Is it OK to have a shower?” His head popped back around the door, and this time she did visibly jump, in the kind of way a kid does when caught with their hand in the cookie jar.
“Sure, sure. Go ahead.”
He disappeared again, and she dragged herself out of bed, going to the door and closing it so she could dress in privacy. His body might be worth showing off to the world, but her’s most certainly was not.
Ultimate Alphas: Bad Boys and Good Lovers (The Naughty List Romance Bundles) Page 9
