“Did… did something happen to you while I was away?” he persisted, not willing to let the matter drop until he had answers. They could not go on like this. He could not go on like this: walking on eggshells around his own sister, afraid of what to say, never knowing what to do. It was time she faced her demons and started healing. It was time they both faced their demons and started healing. For some reason, at that very moment, Lily’s face rose unbidden in his mind. He saw her quick smile. Her violet eyes, filled with laughter. Her long, silky legs, wrapped around his hips…
“I do not wish to speak of it,” his sister whispered, efficiently drawing him back to the present.
“Natty…”
“You should marry,” she said suddenly.
James blinked, as caught off the guard by the sudden change in conversation as he was by the topic. “I should… I should what?”
“Marry,” she repeated. “I think it would be good for you to have someone.”
“I have you,” he said automatically, but Natalie only shook her head, her smile impossibly sad.
“You need someone else,” she insisted. “Someone to help care for you and this house. Someone to make you laugh.”
Lily makes me laugh.
“You deserve to be happy again.” Natalie’s blue eyes were wide and beseeching. James looked away, unable to meet her gaze and the truth he saw reflected within. Pain recognized pain, he thought. Which was why his sister could so clearly see what he kept hidden inside.
“I have not thought of marriage.” A lie. It was all he’d been thinking about since he woke up that morning tangled in the arms of a beautiful, mischievous sprite. He knew what he had to do. What he was honor bound to do. He had taken Lily’s virginity, something that should have exclusively belonged to her future husband, and while she had been a willing party, he would not let her face the consequences of their actions alone.
And yet James could not help but think it would not be such a consequence. He knew nothing about Lily Kincaid except the husky sound of her laughter, the stubborn glint that gleamed in her eye when she’d set her mind to something, and her willingness to risk her life for an old hound anyone else would have abandoned to the wilderness. More lies. He also knew the taste of her skin. The tempo of her heart. The sound of her moan… He shook his head to clear it, and dared a quick glance at Natalie. His sister was studying him intently, the oddest of smiles on her pale face.
“Do you know what I would like for Christmas above all else?” she asked.
James did not have the faintest of ideas. “A new dress?” he ventured.
Natalie shook her head. “A sister. I should very, very much like a sister.” Leaving him gaping after her, she gathered her skirts and skipped from the room.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
25 days until Christmas
Time was running out.
Lily knew it. Her mother knew it. Elsa knew it. Even Mr. Betram knew it, if his constant nightly howling was any indication.
From James she’d heard not a word, which only made everything all the worse for she thought of him constantly. He invaded her dreams every night without fail, sliding into her subconscious as stealthily as a shadow and filling her mind with the sound of his husky voice, the serious slant of his mouth, the touch of his skin…
During the day it was not much better. Even though only three days had passed since their time together in the cottage she must have imagined him a hundred, nay, a thousand times. If she did not keep herself busy she thought of him. If she slept she thought of him. It seemed with every breath she drew she thought of him, until she was so consumed it was nearly impossible to think of anything else. Which was why, on a bright, sun drenched afternoon, she found herself with Sarah at the very last place she desired to be: a holiday fair in the middle of town.
Shop owners hawked their wares from every street corner. A man with a white beard pushed a wooden cart filled to the brim with wreaths. Children ran through the crowd selling bright red ribbons. A group of women, wearing matching green cloaks and fur muffs, sang cheerful carols at the top of their lungs.
Sarah, boasting a bright smile, held fast to Lily’s arm and steered them both towards a vendor selling steaming hot cups of chocolate. There was a rather long line – no surprise given the frigid temperature – and Sarah turned to Lily after they’d shuffled their way into it. “Isn’t this positively delightful?” she asked, raising her voice to be heard above the din.
Lily did a quick, sweeping glance of the organized chaos and struggled not to grimace. “Yes,” she lied. “Delightful.”
Sarah’s face fell. “You are not having a good time at all, are you?”
The line moved forward a few feet, and they moved with it. Lily sighed. “I am trying. Truly I am. But all of the festivities—”
“—are only reminding you that Christmas is right around the corner,” Sarah finished. “I should have taken that under consideration. We can leave, if you would like.”
“No.” Lily shook her head from side to side, causing the hood of her cloak to fall back. She’d pinned her hair up in a circular braid that wound around the crown of her head and woven red ribbon through the thick, glossy strands in an attempt to be festive. Unfortunately, it seemed not even pretty ribbon could boost her spirits, but she was not about to let her problems affect Sarah’s happiness. “We will get hot chocolate and walk all around. I saw a booth selling glass snowflakes when we first came in. I should like to buy one for Elsa, and find something for Mother as well.”
Sarah’s expression was doubtful. “Are you certain?”
“Yes, I—I…” She trailed off in sudden alarm.
“Lily? What is it? What’s wrong?”
But Lily wasn’t listening. She was, instead, doing her best to hide behind Sarah, but the blond kept spinning in a circle, making it quite difficult. “Stop moving!” she hissed, peeping up and over her friend’s shoulder at the man she’d spotted across the square. Even from this distance there was no mistaking James’ tall, rugged frame for anyone else’s.
“What on earth…” Sarah breathed, before she followed Lily’s gaze and picked James out from the crowd as well. It wasn’t very difficult to do. Even if he wasn’t dressed in all black he still would have stood out from the rest of the merry goers, as different from them as the moon was from the sun. He stood by himself off to the side, his expression shuttered. “Is that him? Is that Captain Rigby?”
Lily nodded.
Sarah squealed.
“Oh, this is perfect! You must go over and speak with him. And for heaven’s sake, get out from behind me.” Sarah’s frown was disapproving. “I have never seen you act like this in all my life. Why are you hiding?”
“I am not hiding,” Lily said automatically. Except she was. Feeling rather sheepish, she straightened up and stepped to the side of her friend, never taking her eyes from James. He looked well, she decided. In an I-am-angry-at-the-entire-world sort of way, which was so very typical she could not help but smile. Her smile was quick to fade, however, as she wondered if he’d been thinking of her as she’d been thinking of him.
Did he lay awake at night remembering their time spent together? Or was she already forgotten, a fleeting star in an endless sky of flickering lights? Suddenly, Lily didn’t know if she possessed the courage to find out.
“We need to leave,” she hissed, ducking back down behind Sarah’s shoulder.
“Too late,” Sarah said, sounding far too cheerful given the circumstances. Then, in a louder voice she said, “Captain Rigby, is it not? We were introduced, albeit briefly, at my home. And this” – reaching behind her, she grabbed a hold of Lily’s arm and forcibly dragged her forward – “is my dearest friend Lady Lily Kincaid.”
“We have met,” James said curtly. His eyes were cold, his countenance inscrutable. Lily could feel the words she wanted to say withering up and dying inside of her throat. For someone who always had an answer for everything, it was a foreign – not to ment
ion unpleasant – sensation.
“Well then,” Sarah said slowly as her gaze traveled from Lily to James and back again. “If you have already met, no doubt you wish to have a moment alone to be reacquainted. I will be right over there if you need me.” And she was gone, and even though they were surrounded by people in the middle of a very public town square, Lily had never felt more alone in all her life.
Say something, she thought desperately. Anything, say anything! “Mr. Betram is doing well,” she blurted.
“I am glad to hear it.”
Lily waited for him to say something else, but it seemed that was it. I am glad to hear it. Five short words which had nothing to do with the matter at hand. Inexplicably she was filled with an irrational surge of anger, most of it directed at the man standing in front of her. After all, he had been the one to approach her. And all he had to say for himself, after two days of silence, was ‘I am glad to hear it’? Her nostrils flared. “Could I speak with you,” she gritted out, “in a more private setting?”
James inclined his head and began to move through the crowd, his strides so long she had to pick up the hem of her skirts and run to catch up.
By the time they’d rounded the corner of the fabric store and stopped short in a narrow alley framed by two sizable brick buildings Lily was out of breath and in the grips of a temper she hadn’t felt in quite some time. “You,” she wheezed, jabbing her pointer finger at James, “are a pompous jackass.”
His eyebrows lifted. “Are we back to this?” He shifted his weight and leaned against one of the buildings. Flickers of sunlight, beaming in through the front of the alley, played across his face, illuminating the scruff of beard he’d failed to shave and a tiny white scar on the corner of his chin she hadn’t noticed until now. “Do you always toss insults about when you don’t know what else to say?”
Lily crossed her arms tight over her chest and glared. “I have plenty to say.”
“Well then, go on.”
Her mouth opened. Closed. She thought of the nights she’d spent awake staring at the ceiling and rehearsing, word for word, what she would tell James if given the opportunity. Now her chance was here, and she couldn’t think of a single thing to say.
So she said everything.
Beginning with the death of her father and ending with the cottage she left nothing out, and when she was finished it felt as though a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders. The guilt was gone, and even though her confession meant James would never marry her and everything was ruined, she was content with the knowledge she had not tricked him into a marriage they would both come to regret.
Having been unable to look him in the eye while she was spewing out the truth in quick, hot bursts of half sentences and jumbled words, she lifted her chin to gauge his reaction… and felt her jaw drop when she saw he was smiling. “Do you… Do you not understand what I have told you?”
“Oh, I understand perfectly,” he said.
“And you are not angry?” she ventured hesitantly.
He pushed away from the wall and stepped forward, crowding her back against the brick. It felt warm against her exposed neck, but the warmth of the sun drenched wall was nothing compared to heat rapidly pooling in her belly.
“Furious,” he whispered. Their eyes met and held a second before he tilted his head to the side and claimed her mouth with his.
The kiss was long and lingering and so brutally passionate it left Lily gasping for breath even after James stepped back. He stood in the middle of the alley, his shadow flung up over her left shoulder. His expression was impossible to read, his body taut.
“What… what was that for?” she gasped.
“A test,” he said.
She fought the urge to grind her teeth. Getting the man to say more than three words was the equivalent of prying a rusty nail from a hard knot of wood. “What kind of test?”
“One to see if what we had before was real or feigned.”
Oh. “And?”
“I believe it was real.” He rubbed the side of his face where her fingers had pressed while they kissed. “Why tell me everything now? You could have gotten away with it, and I would never have been the wiser.”
Lily shook her head. “I do not want you to want me because you feel obligated or… or honor bound.”
“And if I wanted you for you?”
She regarded him sadly. Perhaps, in another time, in another place, they could have been perfect for each other. She liked to think what she felt for him was not born of desperation, but how could she ever know for certain? Despite having shared their bodies they were still strangers. They’d really only met twice, at the ball and then on the road that ultimately led to the cottage. “How could you? I just admitted that I wanted to trick you into marrying me.” The shame of it brought a rush of color to her cheeks. “You deserve someone far better than I. You are a good man, James Rigby.” She ached to touch him, and burrowed her hands deep into the pockets of her cloak, her hands curling into fists so tight it caused her nails to bite into her palms. “An honorable man. Even a kind one, beneath all your gruffness.” She managed a smile. “You need a woman who is quiet and soft and gentle. I am none of those things, nor do I fear will I ever be.
Something flickered across James’ face. Surprise? Anger? Regret? Lily could not be certain. She began to say goodbye, but the words remained locked inside her throat. Realizing she was perilously close to tears she let her body say what her voice could not.
The embrace was painfully quick. Her arms, wrapped around his neck. Her lips, pressed against his cheek. Inhaling the scent of him. Memorizing the feel of him. One last, longing stare.
And then she ran.
You deserve someone far better than I.
Lily’s voice played back in James’ mind as he watched her hurry away. He kept his gaze trained on her dark blue cloak for as long as he could, but when she went behind a vendor’s cart he lost her to the crowd.
The bloody woman thought she wasn’t good enough for him.
Clearly, she was a bit mad.
Yet still he wanted her in a way he’d never wanted anything in his entire life. It consumed him, this want, until he could not think of anything else. The taste of her lingered on his lips and he stared at the place where she’d been far longer than he should have.
When the sounds of the holiday fair finally began to wind down and the sun was heavy in the sky James returned home. The house was empty – Natalie was staying the night at a friend’s – and, for the first time in a very long time, he yearned for sound. He needed light and laughter to fill the carnivorous hole inside of him, a hole forged by death and decay and dark things no man should ever bear witness. He needed someone loud and boisterous. Someone who wasn’t afraid to tell him when he was being an ass or, he thought with a smile, a bacon-brained fatwit.
He wanted to hear the house ring with the sounds of children laughing, James realized as he sat heavily behind his desk. And he wanted Natalie to have a woman she could speak to. Someone strong she could admire and trust. Someone to help her face the demons that haunted her.
His fingers began to drum on the hard wood of the desk. If given the choice, he would have preferred to take his time. To court Lily as she deserved to be courted. To woo her and love her and whisper sweet nothings in her air as they danced in the moonlight. But he wasn’t that man anymore, and she didn’t have the patience to be that woman.
Would it work? Christmas was little more than three weeks away. He knew the strain of it must have been hanging over Lily’s head like a guillotine, and he did not begrudge her her actions, nor condemn her for them. She’d been willing to risk all for her family, but even with the solution to all of her problems right in front of her she had not gone through with it. There must have been a reason above and beyond her moral conscience. He liked to think that reason was him, but he could not know until he did what needed to be done.
Resting his elbow on the table, James buried his face
in the hard, leather skin of his palm and for the first time since his return, murmured a prayer.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Christmas Eve
Eight hours. That was all that stood between her and complete financial ruin. Standing to back of a caroling group, hidden in shadow and half-heartedly mouthing along the words to a song she knew by heart, Lily could not help but think of her many failures.
If she’d only listened to her father more and argued with her mother less. Paid attention during her tutoring sessions. Learned how to sew a decent stitch. Feigned interest in a man when he was talking to her, even if he was terribly boring. Played the pianoforte with grace. Bitten her tongue instead of blurting out the first thought that entered her head. So many little things she’d been too stubborn to fix and now here she was without a prayer of finding a husband.
And still, even after everything, she thought of James.
It had been twenty four long, lonely days since the holiday fair. Twenty four mornings of waking up and racing downstairs to see if any note had been delivered during the night. Twenty four afternoons spent at home on the offhand chance he happened by to see her. Twenty four nights spent dreaming of him.
She was absolutely miserable, and she knew her misery was born of a broken heart. The stupid man had made her fall in love with him and then she’d mucked it all up. At first she tried to convince herself it was simply a passing fancy. After all, he was her first. But she knew, deep in her soul, that no matter if one man or a hundred came after him, he would always be her only.
The only one to make her laugh.
The only one to make her yearn.
The only one to touch her heart.
This is what happens when you fall in love with broken men, she thought darkly. You end up being the one broken in the end.
The carolers, immersed in their songs and feelings of goodwill, moved onwards down the lane towards the next house, lighting the way with candles and torches decorated with ribbons and holly. Lily stayed in the shadows, letting her mother and Elsa go on without her. She was not fit for company, and she did not want her mood to ruin the night for anyone else.
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