by Jordan Bell
The someone knocked again, so loud in his quiet apartment. A second later, his phone started buzzing against the table in the hallway.
“Who…?”
“I’m going to find out,” Josh interrupted, “and they’ll be lucky if I don’t kill them with my bare hands.”
He left me kneeling there when the knocking started again, unlocking his door and throwing it open so hard it rattled the bookshelves and the glass in the picture frames. I suspected I was meant to stay behind, but that was out of the question.
I followed behind him just as he pulled the door open and all of my worst fears broke my heart into a thousand raw pieces.
Michelle wore this breathless white dress, gossamer to her ankles and sleeveless, like something someone might have dreamed up, not a real girl. Rain drops dotted her skin and slid achingly down her long, thin arms.
It was 40 degrees outside and she looked like she’d just stepped in from a breezy evening on the beach.
I pressed my hand against my stomach.
“Surprise,” Michelle said, looking up into Josh’s face. She clasped her phone between her hands and smiled coyly, everything about her lithe, beautiful body reaching for him. “Did I wake you?”
“No.” He put a hand out to stop her from letting herself in. “You have to leave. Right now. You have to go right now before…”
“You lied to me.” The words came out before I even knew I’d spoken them out loud. Michelle’s doughy eyes snapped to where I stood just behind Josh. The irony of this situation was not lost on any of us, of that I was sure.
Josh turned to face me. He looked so huge and furious I almost couldn’t bare it.
“Kat, I swear I have no idea what she’s doing here.”
“Don’t bother.” I grabbed my coat and shoes from the hallway where I’d dropped them and jerked away from his hand when he tried to stop me. “I’m going home. This was a mistake.”
“No. No.” Josh stepped into my path, grabbed my arms and pinned me against the wall. His naked chest pressed against mine, his face so close I could have rose on my tiptoes and kissed him and it would have been so easy.
But inside my heart was cracking, bursting, breaking apart. I could feel moisture on my eyelashes, and the only thing concealing my shaking hands was that I held my coat and shoes in them. It had been so easy to forget that Michelle had been here almost every night for weeks.
Josh just had to turn those bright blue eyes on me and smile and I became the biggest fool. Like magic.
“Kat, you have to trust me. I didn’t lie to you. She hasn’t been here since Halloween. Please, please don’t leave. Not yet. Not now.”
“Liar,” I snapped, not wanting to hear another pretty word. I pushed at his chest, unmoving and unwilling to let me run. God, I just wanted to run away from him. In his handsome face I saw my best friend, my lover, my love. And also betrayal and lies and forbidden lust. “We can’t go back, remember? So what does it matter to me? I already know about her. I see her car when it’s parked outside almost every night. I know what happens when she stays the night. I’m not stupid so why would you bother lying about it?”
“I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” Josh’s desperation shifted to unbridled fury when I pulled away from his attempt to pull me back to him. His eyes narrowed and his whole body bristled with emotion. “If you can’t trust me…”
“I don’t.” My anger was on fire now. I couldn’t stop the words if I wanted to. “What, after that night, after a month and a half of silence, would make you think you deserved the benefit of my trust?”
There. Trust was the one word he’d used over and over again alone in his bedroom. It was the one thing I understood – if you didn’t trust the person you submitted to, it couldn’t work. And I didn’t trust him. I didn’t trust that he could look at a beautiful woman who could take care of herself and be successful, who knew what she could do and how far she could go that matched his desires perfectly, all that and still want me. It was impossible. We’d never be the same. He’d always deserve better than my mess, my troubles, my problems. Somewhere inside of him, he knew that too. I could see it in the way he slowly leaned away.
“Take it back.”
“No,” I whispered back, hating myself and hating him and hating the girl outside his door.
“Then I guess there’s no reason for you to stay.”
He backed up until he couldn’t flee any further. All the emotions he’d had disappeared, just like that, until I couldn’t read him at all.
God he was handsome, and I needed to get away from him immediately
I tried to run, but she was still standing there in my way, looking bored with our fight and only slightly put out. She looked like it was so obvious who had to go and it wasn’t her.
Michelle shifted enough to let me by, but only enough so that we brushed bodies and forced me to come in contact with her smaller, delicate frame. Forced to be this close, my ogre body was more obvious than ever. It was clear which of us was feminine and lovely and which of us was neither and never would be. She gave her head a little shake, settling her damp hair loose around her shoulders. She smiled, this quirky little thing that said too much about her intentions.
I had to look away before I exploded into a million little pieces.
“Aren’t you a surprise,” Michelle said, her voice liquid and victorious.
“Michelle,” he growled. “Get out of her way.”
I stared at her, unflinching, unwilling to back down. For a moment, her grin slipped. Then she shrugged and looked away
He did not come after me and for the first time in my life I was glad he didn’t. Relieved and destroyed all at once.
Twice. Twice I’d done this walk of shame.
That was really quite enough.
Goodbye, Josh.
Arrivederci. Au revoir.
I was getting really good at this broken heart shit.
FOURTEEN
“We’re done.” I started to shut the door but she slid from the wall and put her hand on the door frame, ensuring that I’d keep it open or crush her fingers. She barely wore anything. It didn’t matter that it was raining, nearly sleeting outside. Michelle did precisely what she wanted, when she wanted.
“I need to talk to you.”
“I don’t think so.” I blocked the doorway she was so intent on entering. “I thought I made it clear that our arrangement was over.”
“Yeah, I got the message loud and clear. That’s not what I need to talk to you about.” She tucked a wet strand of hair from her eyes and dropped her gaze. “It’s important. I wouldn’t have come here tonight if it weren’t.”
A flare of anger shattered my control. I’d just seen the girl…my girl…walk out for the second time and I had no patience for Michelle’s coyness or conceit. I’d been seconds away from begging Kat to stay with me. Preferably forever but I’d have taken whatever she’d been willing to give me and been grateful for it.
“Haven’t you done enough damage for one night? Get out.”
Michelle scoffed and looked away. “That little girl? Bat your big blue eyes at her, beautiful, and she’ll come crawling back with a leash in her mouth. I inspire temper tantrums in a lot of women. She’ll get over it. But we need to talk and it’s more important than her hurt feelings.”
“Nothing is more important.”
Whatever I’d once found appealing about this woman was long gone. I hated her right then. Hated her for interrupting. Hated her for making Kat doubt me. Hated her for not caring about anyone but herself.
I strongly doubted Kat would get over this. Not twice. And even if she did? She didn’t trust me and we couldn’t have anything, even a normal, boring, vanilla relationship without trust.
And for a moment I wondered what it would be like if the roles were reversed, if I had to endure watching my Kat take one of her ex-lovers up to her apartment, both of them cold and wet, just to talk. It would have made me crazy. I would have wanted to throw
him out a window.
“Please, Josh. This isn’t about us. It’s about a mutual friend.”
I hesitated. “Who?”
“Five minutes.”
Against my better judgment, I shook my head. “Five minutes. Then you have to go.”
“That’s all I need.” She nodded once and followed me inside.
I blocked her from getting any further than the living room. “Talk.”
“You look terrible, you know.”
“It’s been a long night.” I crossed my arms. “What do you want, Michelle?”
“You know, I actually thought you’d be with her before now, but I know you haven’t. You haven’t been to any parties either. I was so sure you’d go running to her as soon as I left that morning. I knew you wanted to. But you didn’t. So I’m curious why you look like you haven’t slept in weeks.”
“You sure this is what you want to talk about for the-” I glanced at the clock behind her head. “-four minutes you have left? You want to know why I haven’t taken a permanent sub?”
“Yes.” She crossed her arms and squeezed her elbows tight around her body. “No. I don’t know. I suppose not.”
“Then why don’t you get to the point.”
She exhaled and shrugged her thin shoulders helplessly. “I was jealous. I was angry and hurt and so jealous I couldn’t see straight. And I did something that’s going to really piss you off.”
Her warning snapped me from my thoughts, dread tightening my fists until they hurt. I carefully controlled each word, forcing myself not to yell or grab her by the arms and shake her.
“What. did. you. do.”
The color in her face drained away and she took a tiny step back. “We had been together for so long. You don’t commit to anyone but everyone knew that we were practically together for all intents and purposes. And then you were just not interested anymore. You just switched off. I didn’t know how to deal with that.”
“What did you do?” I took a step towards her. “What did you do to her?”
She pressed her hands to her eyes and took a deep, shaking breath. “I’ve never been jealous before of another woman and she didn’t seem worth what I could offer you. She’s so young and unsophisticated and so…” Michelle waved her hands in the air, indicating Kat’s size and shape. She took a step back when I made a sound of disgust. “I know. I know it was wrong. I know. Everything has changed and I know that. I don’t even really want you anymore. You have to understand…”
“I don’t have to understand!” I closed the distance between us grabbed her arms, ripping her hands away from the shape of Kat’s body she’d made in the air. “Tell me what you did!”
“I started seeing your friend. Brian…I started seeing him. We dated…we…he was easy to convince…”
I shoved her away from me and took a step back, everything suddenly making sense. “Kat thought I was with you. She saw your car outside and she just assumed. That’s what she was talking about. You made her believe…”
“I parked where she’d be able to see my car. I wanted her to think I was with you every night. That you’d picked me. I left my car at the bar and Brian drove us to his place.” Michelle pressed herself against the door, shrinking away from my anger. “I wanted to keep her away. I thought you’d come to your senses and come back to me.”
“So you hurt Kat and used Brian, the two people who mean the most to me and you thought this would make me want you again?” I turned away so I wouldn’t have to see her anymore. “You really are a vindictive bitch. Time’s up. Get out.”
“Look, I know you’re angry with me and you have every right to be but you have to listen to me now.” She pushed off the door and grabbed my arm.
I tore away from her. “Don’t you dare touch me.”
“I didn’t come here to confess to you what I’d done.”
All I could think was that she’d kept Kat away for weeks. How much time had I lost with her because of this petty jealousy? Kat thought I was a liar because of this woman. I had to tell Kat the truth. I had to fix this. I grabbed my phone off the hall table and thumbed through my contacts to Kat’s number, a picture of her and me at the bar. She was making a face at me in the picture. I looked like I was an inch away from kissing her nose.
“Then why the hell are you here?”
“I came to warn you.”
I looked at her and searched for the con in her eyes. I didn’t trust her, but the way her voice shook when she spoke now made me hesitate. “Warn me about what?”
She shook her head.
“I enjoyed my time with him. That was an unexpected twist. At first I thought he was kind of an asshole, but then one day he let go of whatever was distracting him and he kissed me like…anyway, it was a great kiss. And he suddenly became this nice guy who loved looking at me and making love to me. No toys just… I finally told him tonight what I do for a living. The clothing I make and the purpose they serve. I tried telling him what I like.” Michelle swallowed and pressed her hands back through her wet hair. “He didn’t take it so well.”
Shame. The look she gave me then was inconsolable shame. I knew Brian well enough to know that he would never be turned on by bondage or discipline. He’d be horrified by every aspect of it and sickened by the idea of anyone getting off on it. He was All-American, straight forward, limited in his imagination. Where Kat got the whole wide world like stars in her eyes, Brian was all numbers and lines and boundaries. It was why they got along so poorly and why Brian would never be able to look at Michelle the same way again once he knew the truth.
I felt very sorry for her all the sudden. I struggled with wanting to share my fantasies with Kat who in all likelihood would embrace them, but Brian, he would never even consider pulling a girl’s hair or bending her over his lap and spanking her. Blowjobs were the most exciting thing that had ever happened to him.
“What did you say to him?” I watched her spin through her sadness and embarrassment. She’d hurt Kat on purpose, but there was nothing I could do that would be worse than the shame of rejection for something she’d felt, all her life before this moment, had been wonderful and fun and perfectly safe. In the eyes of someone you cared about who didn’t agree, it was easy to start wondering if you’d been wrong all this time. If there was something wrong with you.
If you were actually a monster.
“How did you break the news to him?”
“He found my flogger.” She smiled, briefly, before sinking back into self-loathing and worry. “It was this great big thing with braids and a hand carved wooden handle in the shape of a dragon claw. I hadn’t gotten a chance to use it yet. It still smelled new and leathery. So I told him. And he went from happy to disgusted in like, six seconds flat. He threw the flogger across the room and demanded to know who I’d let hurt me and why I thought it was normal. He wanted to know what had damaged me to make me think pain was fun. He called me things I won’t repeat.”
“Michelle…”
“He made a connection.” She put a hand out on the door knob to steady herself. “He wanted to know if I’d done these things with you.”
The world became very small all the sudden, all four walls shrinking until I could barely breath. When Kat had discovered my secret, she’d been shaking with curiosity, not fear, and every time her skin brushed mine I thought I was going to die a little bit. Seeing her in her mask, biting her bottom lip nervously, I’d wanted to drag her into my lap and kiss her exposed mouth, her throat, her breasts. Her discovery of my secret had been terrifying and exciting like nothing I’d ever imagined. That’s when I knew I loved her, wanted her, longed for her, the moment when my secret no longer kept us apart.
But Brian knowing…I tried to concentrate on the business aspect, the problems it would bring to South River. That was easier than imagining what would happen when our friendship fell apart. Who he would tell.
Brian could ruin me, if he decided it wasn’t worth saving our friendship. The way things h
ad been between us lately, I doubted he’d find it worth forgiving my secret to protect me.
And if he found out about me and Kat, all bets were off.
“What did you say?” I asked carefully.
“He caught me off guard. I didn’t know what to say. I lied, but I don’t think he believed me.”
“It’s amazing how many people have decided to tell my secrets to every fucking person in my life.” I closed my eyes and squeezed my fist around my phone. “I’d love to know what I’ve done to deserve this.”
Once upon a time I’d loved having this secret. That had been half the pleasure of being in this world. Now it was nothing but trouble.
“He doesn’t want to see me anymore.”
I opened my eyes. “I really hope you don’t expect me to feel sorry for you.”
“I don’t expect anything. I just wanted to give you a heads up.”
“So that when my best friend attacks me for being a sexual deviant, I’ll have an explanation ready to go? Fantastic. You’re a good friend.”
Michelle flinched. “Don’t be a jerk. I did come here as your friend.”
“You’ve been harassing my...” I shook my head. “Kat. You’ve been hurting her for sport. And after using my friend to get to me, he turns on you and you want my sympathy? Are you fucking kidding me? Good luck with that.”
“Josh…”
“You need to leave.”
She opened her mouth to argue, or beg, but knew better. She closed her mouth and nodded. “If you need anything.”
“I won’t.”
Michelle nodded again and turned to the door. She pulled it open and paused in the doorway. “I’m worried about him. I don’t know what’s going on, but he’s afraid of something. Or someone. Before he found out, I could tell that he had a secret too. He wouldn’t tell me what it was, but I knew it was big. I think he’s in real trouble. Money, I think. And for what it’s worth, I am sorry.”
She didn’t wait for me to answer before stepping into the hallway and letting the door pull shut behind her.
FIFTEEN
