It is because of this that every minor political altercation gets blown out of proportion. The reaction is never just: ‘Oh, why are they doing that?’ It’s always: ‘Bloody typical, those scheming so-and-sos, they did exactly the same thing back in 1415/1688/1789/1815/1914/1940/2003’ etc., etc. However much we try to re-invent our relationship, it stays fundamentally the same. It’s in our genes.
This doesn’t mean that the French and the Anglos can’t get on with each other, of course. We share such a long common history that we are like family. We’re side by side or face to face in all history’s photo albums, and when things are going smoothly, we can laugh nostalgically at the way we used to fight all the time. Our scrapbook really is a book about scrapping.
And we do manage to resolve some conflicts once and for all. Take the Eurostar–Waterloo problem, for example. In November 2007, the Queen officially ended any suspicion of an anti-French insult when she opened the new Eurostar terminal at St Pancras station. Diplomatic incident over, n’est-ce pas?
Well, no, actually. Because St Pancras, a Roman Christian who was executed in AD 303 for refusing to perform a sacrifice to Roman gods, is the patron saint both of children and of the island where his relics are supposedly to be found – Corsica. Yes, Corsica, which is not only the birthplace of Napoleon but is also the island whose masked independence fighters regularly take potshots at French administrators and blow up the holiday homes of French mainlanders. So the new London Eurostar terminal is named after the patron saint of anti-French terrorists.
But then, after 1,000 years of annoying the French, what did you expect?
FIN
* French has two words for the noun ‘use’ – emploi and utilisation – and in an apparent attempt to show the richness of the language, the law gives them both, even though the average French person wouldn’t be able to explain the difference.
* He was wrong – it’s not anti-French at all if you read it carefully.
Quotations
This is not intended to be a completist compendium of quotations. It’s a collection of pithy and mischievous sayings, made about or by the French, all of which I came across while researching the book and haven’t used in the main text. A sort of French traffic jam of quotations, in fact.
Joan of Arc (1412–31), French soldier and saint:
‘Of the love or hatred of God for the English, I know nothing, but I do know that all of them will be booted out of France, except those who will die here.’
William Shakespeare (1564–1616), English playwright, poet and occasional propagandist, in his play Richard III, Act I, Scene iii:
‘GLOUCESTER … Because I cannot flatter and speak fair,
Smile in men’s faces, smooth, deceive and cog,
Duck with French nods and apish courtesy,
I must be held a rancorous enemy.’
Sir Philip Sidney (1554–86), English soldier and poet:
‘That sweet enemy, France.’
Fougeret de Montbron (1706–60), French writer and Anglophile:
‘We are the only nation in the universe that the English do not disdain.
Instead they pay us the compliment of hating us as ferociously as possible.’
‘We should be flattered – every foreigner in London is called a “French dog”.’
Samuel Johnson (1709–84), English dictionary writer:
‘A Frenchman must be always talking, whether he knows anything of the matter or not; an Englishman is content to say nothing when he has nothing to say.’
Louis XV (1710–74), King of France:
‘The English have corrupted the mind of my kingdom. We must not expose a new generation to the risk of being perverted by their language.’
Laurence Sterne (1713–68), Irish writer, in his novel The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy:
‘The French believe that talking of love is making it.’
Horace Walpole (1717–97), British writer, cousin of Admiral Nelson:
‘I do not dislike the French from the vulgar antipathy between neighbouring nations, but for their insolent and unfounded airs of superiority.’
Pierre-Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais (1732–99), French writer and political intriguer, in his play The Marriage of Figaro:
‘The English do add here and there some other words when speaking, but it is obvious that “God-damn” is the foundation of their language.’
Louis-Sébastien Mercier (1740–1814), French writer, after a visit to London:
‘Londoners think that in Paris we are covered in braids but are either dying of starvation or eating nothing but frogs.’
Antoine de Rivarol (1753–1801), French writer, in his book On the Universality of the French Language:
‘Something that is not clear is not French.’
(The modern French novel had yet to be invented.)
Horatio Nelson (1758–1805), British admiral, giving instructions to a new recruit:
‘Firstly you must always implicitly obey orders, without attempting to form any opinion of your own regarding their propriety. Secondly, you must consider every man your enemy who speaks ill of your king; and thirdly you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.’
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769–1821), Emperor of France:
‘It is in the French character to exaggerate, to complain and to distort everything when one is not happy.’
‘History is a series of lies on which we agree.’
‘Good politics is making people believe they’re free.’
Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772–1834), English poet:
‘Frenchmen are like gunpowder, each by itself smutty and contemptible, but mass them together and they are terrible indeed!’
Stendhal (1783–1842), French writer: ‘The French are the wittiest, the most charming, and up till now at least, the least musical race on Earth.’
Victor Hugo (1802–85), French novelist and poet:
‘To err is human. To laze about is Parisian.’
‘Let’s not be English, French or German any more. Let’s be European. No, not European, let’s be men. Let’s be humanity. All we have to do is get rid of one last piece of egocentricity – patriotism.’
Winthrop Mackworth Praed (1802–39), British politician and poet:
‘John Bull was beat at Waterloo!
They’ll swear to that in France.’
Douglas William Jerrold (1803–57), British writer:
‘The best thing I know between France and England is the sea.’
Flora Tristan (1803–44), French writer, on returning from a trip to England:
‘Traditionally, in France, the most esteemed member of society is the woman. In England, it’s the horse.’
Paul Gavarni (1804–66), French artist:
‘When an Englishwoman is dressed, she is no longer a woman, she is a cathedral. You don’t seduce her, you demolish her.’
Gustave Flaubert (1821–80), French writer, in his Dictionary of Received Ideas, a satire on French prejudices:
‘Anglais: All rich.
Anglaises: Act surprised that they have good-looking children.
Français: Most important people in the universe.
John Bull: When you don’t know an Englishman’s name, call him John Bull.
Monarchie: A constitutional monarchy is the best kind of republic.
Stuart (Marie): Act sorry for her.’
Mark Twain (1835–1910), American writer:
‘In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French. I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.’
Georges Clemenceau (1841–1929), French Prime Minister:
‘English is just badly pronounced French.’
Paul Claudel (1868–1955), French writer:
‘American democracy made its entrance into the world on the arm of the French aristocracy.’
André Gide (1869–1951), French writer and winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature:
‘It is unthi
nkable for a Frenchman to arrive at middle age without having syphilis and the Légion d’Honneur.’
Harry Graham (1874–1936), English writer:
‘Weep not for little Léonie,
Abducted by a French marquis,
Though loss of honour was a wrench,
Just think how it’s improved her French.’
George S. Patton (1885–1945), American general:
‘I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.’
Charles de Gaulle (1890–1970), French President:
‘I have tried to lift France out of the mud. But she will return to her errors and vomitings. I cannot prevent the French from being French.’
‘When I want to know what France thinks, I ask myself.’
Richmal Crompton (1890–1969), British writer, creator of the children’s book hero William Brown, who, in her novel William the Conqueror, says:
‘I don’ wanter talk to any French folks, an’ if they wanter talk to me they can learn English. English’s easy to talk. It’s silly having other langwidges. I don’ see why all the other countries shun’t learn English ’stead of us learnin’ other langwidges with no sense in ’em. English’s sense.’
Evelyn Waugh (1903–66), British writer:
‘We are all American at puberty. We die French.’
Josephine Baker (1906–75), American dancer:
‘I like Frenchmen very much, because even when they insult you, they do it so nicely.’
Billy Wilder (1906–2002), Austrian-American film director:
‘France is a place where the money falls apart in your hands but you can’t tear the toilet paper.’
(This was before the euro was created and became stronger than the dollar.)
Georges Elgozy (1908–89), French economist:
‘A Frenchman needs a year to understand English money, ten years to understand their temperament, fifty years for their lack of temperament, and an eternity for their women.’
Pierre-Jean Vaillard (1918–88), French actor:
‘Now I know why the English prefer tea. I just tasted their coffee.’
Boris Vian (1920–58), French writer and jazz musician:
‘To do business these days, you have to be American. But if you can content yourself with being intelligent, you might as well just be French.’
‘Ridicule won’t kill you anywhere, but in America it will make you rich.’
Claude Gagnière (1928–2003), French writer:
‘A man who speaks three languages is trilingual. A man who speaks two languages is bilingual. A man who speaks one language is English.’
William Safire (b. 1929), American journalist:
‘One difference between French appeasement and American appeasement is that France pays ransom in cash and gets its hostages back while the United States pays ransom in arms and gets additional hostages taken.’
Édith Cresson (b.1934), French Prime Minister, angry that men weren’t ogling her during a visit to London
‘One in four Englishmen is gay.’
‘The Anglo-Saxons are not interested in women as women – it is a problem with their upbringing – I think it’s a sort of disease.’
Jean-Jacques Annaud (b. 1943), French film director:
‘When Americans make movies they aim at the entire planet. When the French make movies, they aim at Paris.’
Anonymous French person:
‘English cooking: if it’s cold, it’s soup. If it’s warm, it’s beer.’
Select Bibliography
The bibliography in a history book is sometimes so long that you wonder how the author had time to eat, sleep and go to the loo while they were doing the research. And most of them contain only a few lines that are of any relevance to the subject in hand.
I am therefore listing only the books that I’ve either read in their entirety, or read big chunks of, and would be happy to recommend to other people.
I must admit, though, that I didn’t always flick through their yellowing pages myself. Luckily, these days, lots of libraries are putting their old books on scanners that do the flicking for us. This could be said to encourage laziness, but it’s also miraculous because it means that the sources of Anglo-French history are no longer limited to researchers with access to rare and fragile documents. It is now relatively easy for anyone with a computer and a taste for hunting through online book catalogues to read medieval chronicles, seventeenth-century autobiographies and eighteenth-century travel books and see what people were actually saying about events at the time they happened.
This is why many of the books listed below are out of print, but can be found via websites like gutenberg.org, archive.org, Google books or (for French texts) gallica.bnf.fr. You will have to read them online, but that might be more convenient than going in person to the East Louisiana Library of pre-Napoleonic Colonial Affairs.
Getting access to a medieval chronicle doesn’t always mean you can understand it, of course, but the pleasant thing about French is that it has changed very little over the centuries, and you only need a short course in medieval vocabulary and grammar to be able to understand fourteenth-century texts in the original. Shakespeare’s English is incomprehensible by comparison.
And for those who don’t speak French, I have translated all quotations and excerpts from French sources myself.
Bonne lecture, or, as some of us Anglo-Saxons might say, have a nice read.
General Histories
A Concise History of England, F. E. Halliday, 1964
Ces femmes qui ont fait la France, Natacha Henry, 2009
Friend or Foe, Alistair Horne, 2004
The History of England, David Hume, 1810
The Story of English, Robert McCrum, William Cran, Robert MacNeil, 2002
That Sweet Enemy, Robert and Isabelle Tombs, 2006
English Social History, G. M. Trevelyan, 1942
The English Channel, J. A. Williamson, 1959
A History of England, E. L. Woodward, 1947
Specific Subjects
William the Conqueror
The Anglo-Saxon Chronicle, author(s) uncertain, 9th–12th centuries
The Bayeux Tapestry, author(s) uncertain, c. 1080
1066: The Hidden History of the Bayeux Tapestry, Andrew
Bridgeford, 2004
Guillaume le Conquérant, Paul Zumthor, 1978
The Hundred Years War
Les Chroniques de Jean Froissart, Jean Froissart, 1369
La Guerre de Cent Ans vue par ceux qui l’ont vécue, Michel Mollat du
Jourdin, 1975
The Hundred Years War, Desmond Seward, 1978
The Cronicle History of Henry the Fift, (aka Henry V), William
Shakespeare, 1600
Journal d’un Bourgeois de Paris, 1405–49, ed. Alexandre Tuetey, 1881
Encyclopaedia of the Hundred Years War, John A. Wagner, 2006
Calais
The Chronicle of Calais by Richard Turpyn, ed. John Gough Nichols, 1846
Calais under English Rule, G. A. C. Sandeman, 1908
Mary Queen of Scots
England under the Tudors, Geoffrey Rudolph Elton, 1991
Mary Queen of Scots, Antonia Fraser, 1969
An Examination of the Letters Said to Be Written by Mary Queen of Scots, Walter Goodall, 1754
Memoirs of His Own Life, Sir James Melville of Halhill, 1683
Charles II and Louis XIV
The Life of John, Duke of Marlborough, Charles Bucke, 1839
Louis XIV, David Ogg, 1933
The King in Exile: The Wanderings of Charles II from June 1646 to July 1654, Eva Scott, 1905
French Colonies in Canada, North America and India
Acadian-cajun.com
Histoire de la colonisation française, Henri Blet, 1946
Cyberacadie.com
Cod, Mark Kurlansky, 1997
History of the French in India, from the Founding of Pondicherry in 1674 to the Capture of Th
at Place in 1761, G. B. Malleson, 1893
Pioneers of France in the New World, Francis Parkman, 1865
Eighteenth-Century Explorers
Voyage autour du monde par la frégate La Boudeuse et la flûte L’Étoile, Louis-Antoine de Bougainville, 1771
The Journals of Captain Cook, James Cook, 1955, 1961 & 1967
The South Sea Bubble
John Law: The Projector, William Harrison Ainsworth, 1864
Memoirs of Extraordinary Popular Delusions, Charles Mackay, 1841
Eighteenth-Century France and the Revolution
Reflections on the Revolution in France, Edmund Burke, 1790
Histoire générale des émigrés pendant la Révolution française, Henri Forneron, 1884
Lettres philosophiques (originally published as Lettres écrites de Londres sur les Anglois et autres sujets), Voltaire, 1734
French Tourists in England
Londres, Pierre Jean Grosley, 1774
Napoleon
Code civil, Napoleon Bonaparte et al., 1804
Napoleon, Vincent Cronin, 1971
The Life of Nelson, A. T. Mahan, 1898
Shakespeare and the Romantics
Shakespeare Goes to Paris, John Pemble, 2005
Louis-Philippe
Histoire de la vie politique et privée de Louis-Philippe, Alexandre
Dumas, 1852
Death of Napoleon IV
The Washing of the Spears, Donald R. Morris, 1959
Edward VII
Gay Monarch: The Life and Pleasures of Edward VII, Virginia
Cowls, 1956
Edward VII, Man and King, H. E. Wortham, 1931
World War One
Over the Top, Arthur Guy Empey, 1917
Goodbye to All That, Robert Graves, 1929
Tommy Atkins at War, James A. Kilpatrick, 1914
1000 Years of Annoying the French Page 57
