Colter returned when he’d said he would. He was attired in the same clothes he’d worn the night before with the pea jacket over his arm. One look at his face told her that she was in trouble.
“Where did you go?” she greeted him tensely.
He sat down and lit a cigarette, which was always a bad sign. “I had to meet somebody.”
“In London? Who do you know here?”
“I have contacts everywhere.”
“Contacts?” she repeated, her heart dropping into her shoes. “This was about a job?”
“Yeah.”
“How did they know where you were?”
“I left word with Mary Lafferty.”
“Oh, of course, excuse me. I forgot about your referral service,” Karen said sarcastically.
He let that pass, tapping ash into the ceramic tray.
“Well?” she said. “I hope you told them no.”
He avoided her eyes. “I’m going to Lebanon,” he said flatly.
“Lebanon,” she whispered, staring. She simply couldn’t believe it.
He wouldn’t look at her.
“You’re leaving me again?”
He didn’t answer.
“Talk to me, Steven. You’re leaving me today, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
Karen’s breath expelled in a sound that was half sigh, half sob. “Then why did you come back?” she asked, bewildered. “Why did you let me believe we’d be together?”
“I came back to show you I was okay, so you wouldn’t worry,” he answered quietly.
“And you think I won’t worry now?” she asked him incredulously.
He said nothing.
“You never had any intention of staying with me, did you?” she said softly.
“Karen, listen to me...” he began.
“No, you listen to me,” she countered wildly. Her gaze fell on his bandaged hand. “You’re not even waiting until that’s healed,” she said desperately, trying anything.
“They need me now.”
“Oh, why don’t you just tell the truth?” she demanded, her anger rising, surmounting the pain. “You can’t wait to get away from me.”
“That isn’t so,” he said. His voice was low, almost expressionless, the tone he used when he wanted to disguise his true feelings. But she could guess what they were.
“You have to get on with your life now, don’t you?” she said bitterly.
He met her with a stony silence.
“You had your relaxation, right? You came here and used me like one of your prostitute friends, and now it’s time to move on to more important things.”
He went white beneath his tan, and she regretted the words almost as soon as they left her mouth. For the first time since she’d known him she felt physical fear.
He picked up a figurine standing on the fireplace mantel and threw it against the wall. The delicate china shattered into a score of fragments. “How dare you say that to me?” he spat between his teeth.
Karen shrank from him, her eyes wide.
He grabbed her shoulders and shook her as she tried frantically to wrest herself from his grasp. Finally he let her go, flinging her away. He sagged against the wall, trembling, his head down.
“Why don’t you just hit me?” Karen asked contemptuously, rubbing her bruised arms. “That’s what you’d like to do, isn’t it?”
“No,” he responded, defeated. “I could never hurt you.”
“What do you think you’re doing right now?” she fired back.
“The right thing,” he answered. “I’m doing the right thing.”
Karen stared at him. “You are unquestionably the most confused character I have ever met. How can walking out on me, on what we have, be the right thing?”
“I know what’s best,” he said stonily. “You’re too emotional. I have to make this decision.”
“You know what’s best?” she said in amazement, almost laughing. “You spend your whole life running headlong into the path of what’s most likely to kill you, and you know what’s best?”
“I don’t expect you to understand.”
“Oh, I understand perfectly. You’d be amazed how much I understand. This is goodbye, right? I’m supposed to forget you now.”
“That’s the idea,” he said flatly.
“You knew this was coming, didn’t you? You knew this last night.”
“I just got called this morning.”
“But you knew when you came here that it was only a matter of time. You knew you would take off on another one of these suicide runs as soon as you got the chance,” she accused him.
He confronted her, his fists balled at his side, taking the offensive for the first time. “What did you think would happen, Karen? Did you think I would turn overnight into a CPA or an orthodontist?”
“I guess I thought we would go to your place in Florida. I could get a job; there’s a large Spanish speaking population in that area,” she said reasonably.
“Oh, I see; you were going to support me?” he asked scornfully. “And you thought I’d be happy about that?”
“I didn’t think that far. I just assumed you would want us to stay together,” she cried plaintively, near tears.
He looked away, steeling himself to be tough. This had to be done. “You understood that I had to go last time,” he said curtly.
“You had no choice!” Karen countered. “You told me that yourself. And you also said you were coming back.” She broke down, crying openly. “You could turn this one down but you want to go,” she went on, wiping her eyes. “It’s an excuse; you just want to get away from me.” Her voice dropped an octave. “Why did you really come back? To make this break all the more painful?”
“I had to see you again,” he admitted huskily.
“I really thought that part of your life was all over,” she murmured, as if to herself. “I thought you loved me. You never said it, not once, but I felt it.”
She wasn’t looking at him and she didn’t see his eyes filling, the wet lashes as he turned his head. “I do love you,” he said quietly. “That’s why I’m leaving you for good. I’m trying to do you a favor.”
“By breaking my heart?” she wailed.
“No. By helping you to save it for someone else.”
“I don’t want anyone else,” she said bitterly.
“You will. You deserve somebody who’ll stay with you, who’ll make a life with you and take care of you. I can’t be that man.”
“Yes, you could. But you won’t try.”
“I can’t try. It’s too late.”
“People can change if they want to badly enough,” she said stubbornly. “But you don’t want to. You won’t make the effort. Is that all I mean to you?”
Colter rubbed the back of his arm across his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to speak calmly. “You mean more to me than anyone ever has, Karen. That’s why I’m doing this. Do you think I could stand by and watch you grow unhappy, old before your time with worry and uncertainty?”
“You could leave that life,” she protested. “You could try something else.”
“I’m no good for you, Karen,” he insisted, hitting on what was, for him, the only issue. Then in a softer voice he said, “I’m just no good, period.”
Karen stared at him. “That’s what this is really about, isn’t it?” she said softly. “You think you’re not worthy of me or some such nonsense, and you also think I’m a child who has to be protected from herself. So you know better than I do what’s best for me. You’re not my father, Steven. Can’t I make that decision?”
“It’s made,” he replied flatly. “I’m going to Lebanon.”
“And this is your way of showing how much you love me?” she demanded bitterly.
“I know you can’t see it, but yes.”
“You don’t love me,” she shouted as she finally realized that he was going to leave no matter what she said or did.
His features hardened and he turne
d for the door.
“Go on, summer soldier, live alone, die alone. See if anybody cares because I sure won’t!”
He kept walking.
“Go, then!” she yelled after him. “Go to Lebanon, go to Timbuktu, go to hell!”
The door slammed and he was gone. Karen waited until his footsteps had faded from the stairs before dissolving into tears. She cried for a long time, until she was left drained and dry eyed on the tangled bedclothes. She fell into a semi doze that lasted until there was a knock on her door at lunchtime.
“Come in,” Karen called, sitting up and brushing her hair back from her face. Her eyes were sore and sandy, her cheeks stiff and sticky from crying. She wasn’t surprised by Linda’s shocked expression when she came through the door.
“What happened to you?” Linda gasped, looking around the room as if expecting to find the cause of Karen’s misery lurking in a corner.
“Oh, it’s you,” Karen said dully. “I thought it was the maid. She was here before and I sent her away.”
“What’s going on? Where is Colter?”
“Gone.”
“Again?” Linda said.
“For good,” Karen replied.
Linda sat down next to her and searched her tear stained face. “For good?” she repeated.
“He left me!” Karen wailed, beginning to cry again. “He went out this morning and when he came back he announced that he was going to Lebanon. Can you believe it?”
“Oh, dear, that sounds very dangerous,” Linda said in a subdued tone.
“Of course it’s dangerous. Does he ever do anything that isn’t?” Karen said, throwing up her hands. She stood and began walking back and forth in front of the windows, shredding the tissue she held. Linda rummaged in a drawer of the bedside stand and handed her a new box.
Karen threw it on the floor. “Look at me!” she cried, turning her palms up in futility. “Before I met that guy I never cried, and now I ought to buy stock in a paper products company.”
“But surely he’ll see you when he gets back,” Linda said carefully.
“No, he won’t. He made it very clear that he wants nothing more to do with me.”
“Why?”
“Oh, he says it’s for my own good, that he would ruin my life or some such drivel. What he really means is that he won’t make the commitment. He won’t take the chance on me. It’s as simple as that.”
“I don’t think it is,” Linda said slowly.
“What do you mean?” Karen queried, turning toward the other woman.
Linda shrugged. “I saw his face when he came into the dining room last night and spotted you. He’s in love with you, Karen, no matter what else he says.”
“Then how could he leave me like this?” Karen whispered, pressing her lips together to quell a sob.
“Maybe he was telling you the truth,” Linda said. “Maybe he really feels he would only bring you unhappiness in the long run and it’s better to end it now. You have to admit that your backgrounds are very different, and you would both have big adjustments to make.”
“Don’t start that routine, Linda. It gives me a headache. I know I could adjust to anything for his sake. Why doesn’t he feel the same way?”
“Maybe he’s more realistic,” Linda said quietly.
“Whose side are you on, anyway?” Karen demanded.
Linda stood and came to her side, putting her arm around Karen’s shoulder. “I’m on your side, darling, but I also know that you’re a hopeless romantic. I agree that he’s gorgeous and thrilling and brave and all of that. But can you really see him folding the clothes at the launderette and running to the chemist’s for a tin of plasters?”
“I could do the laundry,” Karen said crossly. “And the errands.”
“You refuse to see my point,” Linda insisted.
“I see it. I just don’t agree with it.”
“He’s a different breed, that’s all, and he recognizes it even if you don’t.”
“And no socialization between the species is permitted, right?” Karen said cynically.
“I don’t know if I’d put it so technically, but yes, that’s the general idea.”
“It stinks,” Karen said, her eyes filling again.
Linda hugged her. “I know it does.” She drew back and examined Karen’s morose expression. “Did he say what you’re supposed to do now?”
“Go home and find someone else.”
“Who?”
“He said something about a CPA or an orthodontist. Does he really think that’s what I want?”
“Maybe he thinks that’s what you need,” Linda said wisely.
“Then he’s wrong. I need him, and he’s gone.”
Linda crossed the room and looked out of the window. “He might be back. If he’s as miserable as you are without him you’ll see him again.”
Karen shook her head. “I said some awful things.”
“And?”
“He’s very proud. He won’t come back.”
“What did you say?”
Karen hung her head. “I told him that he’d used me like a whore.”
Linda blanched.
“I think he was ready to punch me.”
“I’m surprised he didn’t.”
“He took it out on your figurine instead,” Karen said, pointing to the mass of porcelain shards lying in a corner.
Linda walked over to inspect the mess. “Oh, good,” she said. “I’m glad someone finally trashed that horror. It was one of Margaret’s favorites.”
“Was it very valuable?” Karen asked soberly.
“Extremely.”
“You’d better send me the bill.”
“Don’t be silly,” Linda said briskly. “I wouldn’t think of it.”
“Better yet, send him the bill,” Karen said bitterly. “If you can find him.”
“Where does he live? When he’s not traipsing around the globe with a gun, that is.”
“Florida. Though you couldn’t prove it by me. I’ve never seen the place.”
“Florida. That’s somewhere near California, isn’t it?” Linda said.
“No, Lin. Wrong direction, wrong coast.” Linda’s American geography was almost as good as her American history. She’d said once that Abraham Lincoln was famous for winning the Revolutionary War at the Battle of Gettysburg.
“Oh. I seem to remember something about oranges,” Linda said, chastised.
“Both states grow them. You’re right about that,” Karen observed. She glanced at the clock. “It’s almost one. How did your fitting go?” She coughed, then blew her nose.
“Oh, the seamstress was all thumbs but the thing did seem the right size, which is about all one can hope for.” She eyed Karen speculatively. “I don’t suppose you’ll be hanging ‘round now, so you won’t be here for the damned showing anyway.”
“I really should go home.”
“I can’t induce you to stay?”
“No, Linda, I’ve imposed upon you long enough,” Karen said firmly. “I’ve got to get my life together and stop waiting around for Colter to tell me what to do. I’m going back to New Jersey. I’ll get a job and put him out of my mind for good.”
“That’s the spirit,” Linda confirmed, stabbing the air with her fist. “Go in and wash your face and I’ll see about getting us some lunch. All right?”
Karen nodded.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine. Go ahead.”
Linda left and Karen went to the pediment mirror above the cherry lowboy, gazing at her reflection. She looked like the aftermath of a bad night.
Enough of this, she instructed herself. He waltzed you around for a good turn but the dance is over. He’s gone, and you’re on your own.
Feeling, not better, but determined, she headed for the bathroom to fix her face.
The next afternoon she was on a plane for the States.
Chapter 10
Karen’s sister Grace was mercifully sile
nt during the trip back to her house from the airport. It wasn’t until they were settled in the recreation room, with the kids playing Candy Land on the floor, that she said to Karen, “We missed you at Thanksgiving.”
Karen nodded. The American holiday wasn’t celebrated in England, and she hadn’t even thought about it while she was staying with Linda.
“I’m glad you’ll be here for Christmas,” Grace went on. Karen nodded again.
Grace sighed heavily. “Aren’t you even going to tell me about it?” she asked.
Karen shrugged resignedly. “There isn’t that much to tell. It didn’t work out.”
“All you said in your phone call was that he’d gone off on another job and you were coming home.”
“And here I am,” Karen said, hoping Grace would drop it.
She was hoping for too much. “Did you have a fight?” Grace said.
“Sort of. Not really. He wasn’t fighting—I was.”
Grace stared at her.
Karen made a gesture of dismissal. “He basically told me that he thought he was wrong for me and I’d better forget him and find somebody else.”
“That’s the first thing I’ve heard about this situation that I agree with,” Grace said darkly. “I just wish he hadn’t dragged you all over Europe before coming to that conclusion.”
“He didn’t drag me. I wanted to go.”
“Hmph. And you wound up back here, as alone as when you met him.”
Karen stood wearily, putting her hands at the back of her waist and stretching. “Grace, I would consider it a great favor if you didn’t feel compelled to say ‘I told you so.’ It’s over and done with, and I just want to put it behind me and get on with my life. And I can’t do that with you grilling me like an interrogator in a police procedural.”
“I’m sorry,” Grace said stiffly. “I didn’t mean to intrude.” She rose also and headed for the kitchen.
Karen put out her hand and stopped her sister as she walked past. “Grace, wait a minute,” she said.
The older woman turned. There were tears in her eyes and Karen instantly felt guilty.
“I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” she said gently. “It’s just that I can hardly bear to think about it anymore, much less talk about it. Can you understand that?”
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