Her Destiny

by Monica Murphy

  It’s hard to do that though. I want to see you again. But how? I don’t know exactly where you are. I have no idea who can help me find you.

  I’m going to try though. I want to know if seeing you again will affect me as strongly as it did before. If maybe we really do belong together. Or at least if we should try and be together. That’s all I want.

  A chance.

  ***

  October 11th, later that afternoon

  I enter the café with trepidation, stopping when I see the back of Valerie’s head, her long, silky dark brown hair pulled into a perfect French braid. She and Vanessa are sitting at our usual table, iced mochas in front of them and one in front of the chair I always sit in. Vanessa must have ordered it for me already because I know Valerie wouldn’t have done so. She’s going to make this difficult, I just know it but I can’t blame her. I completely abandoned her.

  I’m just lucky enough that Vanessa is willing to give me a second chance. Hopefully Valerie will want to as well.

  Vanessa’s face brightens when she spots me and she waves me over. I start toward the table, nearly tripping over my feet when I see the withering glance Valerie sends in my direction. My head starts to slowly pound with the start of a headache and I hold the back of my chair with shaky fingers, forcing myself to look at Valerie, who’s watching me with a doubtful expression, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

  “Do you mind if I join you?” I ask her, not sure what I’ll do if she tells me to leave.

  Her upper lip curls into the slightest sneer. “I suppose you can. If you want.”

  I deserve her anger, I tell myself as I settle in the chair, appreciating Vanessa’s welcoming smile and attitude. “Thank you for the mocha,” I tell her quietly.

  “Thank Valerie. She paid today.” She waves a hand at my angry friend as shock courses through me.

  “Thank you Val,” I say, my cheeks hot. I’m embarrassed. Not only because she cared enough to buy me a drink but also I don’t know exactly how I can break it to them that I can’t buy the drinks like I used to. I have very little money and what I do have has to go toward necessities. Definitely not expensive coffee drinks.

  If Evan saw me right now he’d probably want to kill me even though I wasn’t the one who paid. He’s become some sort of budget Nazi, constantly telling me to take my lunch to school or yelling at me when he finds fast food bags that I threw away in the trash. He’s busting his butt to pay for everything and I know I’m a burden on him.

  I should get a job. But where?

  “So why do you want to suddenly be with us again, hmm?” Valerie asks, getting right to the point as is her usual style. And the girl has style I can give her that. She’s pretty with her pale skin and deep red hair, sparkling hazel eyes and the faint freckles that dust her cheeks and across the bridge of her nose. When I met her she always had her face stuck in a magazine, specifically fashion magazines. She loves Vogue and Elle and Marie Claire and swears someday she’s going to work at one of them.

  “Val, stop,” Vanessa hisses, nudging Valerie in the ribs with her elbow. “I’m the one who harassed her first.”

  Val’s gaze narrows as she stares at me. “Right. So you had to approach her. Why’d you do that anyway? She should’ve come to us first.”

  “Come on, you know why. I told you I was going to do it…” Vanessa starts but I cut her off.

  “Don’t blame her, Valerie. And don’t fight over me either. I probably would’ve never got my head out of my ass quick enough to come to you two and ask for your forgiveness. I would’ve kept up this stupid charade forever.” I clear my throat and grab my drink, taking a quick sip. They’re staring at me as if I’ve lost my mind, which they probably think I have. I never cursed before. Not really. But I’m tired of playing games. I did have my head up my ass. “I’m sorry for what I did. I have no excuse for ditching you guys. All I can hope is that you both forgive me for being an idiot.”

  “I’ve already forgiven your idiocy,” Vanessa says chirpily, laughing when Valerie and I both send her a look. “What, it’s true. I’m over it. I’m just glad you’re back with us, Rev. The three Vs, together again.”

  I smile but Valerie doesn’t. I guess she’s not so eager for our reunion.

  “Why did you do it anyway?” When I send her a questioning look, Valerie continues. “You came back from the summer and completely ignored us. Started dressing like a tramp and hanging out with Rachel and Tally. It was weird,” Valerie says with a little grimace before she takes a drink of her mocha.

  “Yeah Rev. Why did you do it?” Vanessa asks, sounding a little sad, looking a little hurt. “I gotta say when you turned your back on us it hurt my feelings. Valerie’s too,” she adds, earning a stern look from Val.

  It’s hard to explain what I did or why I did it when I can hardly figure it out myself? What can I say to defend my selfish, stupid actions? So I let them talk, absorbing their questions, their angry emotions, letting the guilt and shame wash over me and take hold. But it doesn’t tempt me to run away from them. I will do whatever it takes to earn their friendship back.

  “We know about your parents,” Valerie says, her tone unyielding. “And we really don’t care. It doesn’t have anything to do with you and it’s not going to change how we feel about you either. You weren’t the one stealing. They were.”

  “I still feel guilty,” I admit, hanging my head so I stare at the table. It’s hard to talk about my parents with anyone. Evan and I hardly talk about them and he’s my brother.

  “So guilty that you thought it would be better to start acting like a complete slut?” Valerie asks innocently.

  “Val,” Vanessa hisses but I wave her off.

  “She’s right. I acted like a total…slut.” I grimace. I really despise that word. “I was feeling lost and confused. I went through a lot of…changes this last summer and finding out about my parents sent me into a tailspin.”

  “That’s one way to put it,” Valerie mutters, shaking her head.

  “What about the boy?” Vanessa’s question makes me whip my head up, panic racing through me. Yes, I promised I would tell her about Nick, but now? With Valerie’s feelings still unsettled?

  “What boy?” Valerie sends me a curious look.

  My cheeks are so hot they feel like they’re on fire. May as well get it out now. “I met a boy. He worked at my parents’ summer home. His name is Nicholas.” It sounds very grown up, his name. And I shouldn’t call him a boy. He was closer to a man. On his own, taking care of himself, living in his own apartment and working a full-time job. He was light years above me in maturity. I behaved like a naïve fool most of my time with him.

  Because I was a naïve fool. My parents sheltered me my enter life. Nothing bad ever seemed to touch me. I meet Nick and he opened my eyes to so much. Maybe even too much. Not that I regret my time with him…

  “Tell us more,” Vanessa prompts, her gaze rapt, expression eager.

  “We spent a lot of time together,” I say haltingly, not quite sure how I should phrase it.

  “Did your parents know about you and this boy?” This from Valerie.

  I shake my head. “They were too wrapped up in their own problems.” This is far truer than I realized when it was all unfolding. Mom had been so closed off and Dad full of a forced cheerfulness that rang so false. Near the end of the summer they’d closed themselves off from Evan and me completely.

  “So you snuck around?”

  “Yes.” I nod, memories running through my mind, one after the other. The way he looked at me, when he kissed me in the stables, when he met me in my favorite clearing for my birthday. I still have the little jar of dreams in my bedroom, hidden away in my bedside table. I take it out at night and clutch it tight, closing my eyes and thinking of him.

  Stupid. So stupid.

  “And it got serious,” Vanessa says, though more like a statement and not a question. “You fell in love.”

  “We did. But then it became co
mplicated.” I take a deep breath, unsure of what I can tell them. How can I explain it when I don’t quite understand what happened myself? Krista was murdered, the cops took Nick away, my parents didn’t even realize what happened. Within days, the story came out. The accusations against my parents changed everything.

  Everything.

  Tears prick the corners of my eyes and I cover my face with my hands, willing them to stop. But they won’t. They spill onto my cheeks, wetting my palms and I feel an arm go around my shoulders, tugging on me, urging me close.

  “It’s okay,” Vanessa whispers and I fall into her arms, crying in earnest, so grateful to have my friend back, so angry to have lost the life I’ve always known.

  So sad, so empty to lose the one boy I could’ve had a chance with.

  “You’ve been crying,” Evan states the moment I enter the apartment.

  “Have not.” My denial is halfhearted. I wouldn’t believe myself I sound so unconvincing.

  “Have too. You should see yourself. Your mascara’s all smudged beneath your red-rimmed eyes. You look like hell.” He gets up from the couch and starts to approach me.

  Sniffing, I turn and head down the hall toward my bedroom, tossing over my shoulder, “Well, you can go to hell.” I hate it when he talks to me like that. He’s been pretty kind after everything that’s happened so it’s extra hurtful when he slips back into his old habits like this. And the last thing I need after the emotional afternoon I just went through.

  Evan follows after me and grabs hold of my arm, turning me around so I have no choice but to face him. He looks ferocious, his eyes blazing with anger, his lips tight. “What happened?” he says through clenched teeth. “Who did this to you?”

  “Wh-what do you mean?” I ask, my voice shaky, my mind scrambling. “Nobody did anything to me.”

  “You look like you’ve been balling your eyes out for hours.” He slowly shakes his head, his expression just as fierce. “Don’t lie to me. Tell me what happened.”

  “Nothing happened, I swear.” I shake my head, scared and confused at his reaction. He thinks someone hurt me? “What do you care anyway?” I shrug out of his hold, baffled by how upset he seems. “Did you have a bad day or what?”

  “My sister comes in looking like she’s been through hell and back, you damn right I’m suddenly having a bad day. Tell me who did this to you.” He grabs me again, by both arms this time, giving me a little shake.

  “I met with Valerie and Vanessa after school, okay? No big deal, they forgave me for being a jerk, I got a little emotional and cried, end of story.” He releases me and I step away from him, tilting my chin up, trying my best to look dignified but knowing I’m totally failing. I swipe beneath my eyes as discreetly as I can, hoping to remove whatever lingering mascara remains. The tips of my fingers are black and I repress the sigh that wants to escape. I just really want this day to be over. “Can I go now? I want to take a shower.”

  “Rev.” Evan runs a hand through his hair then rests his hands on his hips, frustration radiating from him in palpable waves. “It’s…I heard from the lawyer today.”

  I frown. “What lawyer?”

  “Mom and Dad’s. Ours. The family’s. Whatever.” He waves a hand, looking irritated still. Whatever he’s about to say can’t be good. “He said that Mom and Dad are going to resign permanently from The Flock of the Lambs. It’s done. They’re done.”

  My jaw drops open but no words can form. It’s like my tongue is leaden, my throat clogged, my lungs full. I can only wheeze out a breath, I’m so overwhelmed at what he’s saying. What he’s not saying.

  “They’re going to try and settle as quietly as they can. They don’t want this to turn into a giant lawsuit but they have no control over that so we’ll see.” He clamps his mouth shut, his lips practically disappearing and I close my mouth, clear my throat. I’m already so ravaged by everything that’s happened today, from learning I’m doing so badly in my classes to my confrontation with my friends, and now this?

  I’m numb. I feel nothing. My reaction is…miniscule at best.

  “So they’re guilty.”

  Evan raises his brows. “You’re only just now concluding this?”

  “I…sure. I knew that it didn’t look good, but they’re not even going to fight the accusations. They’re just giving in. It’s like they’re admitting they’re guilty.”

  My brother says nothing. Just stares at me with this look on his face that says, well, duh.

  “They did it. They stole the money.” My heart breaks for the innocent people they took from, that we took from. I benefited from all of my parents’ wrongdoing and so did Evan, especially Evan.

  “Yeah. They did it.” He wipes at his mouth, as if he can get rid of the disgust he feels at saying those words. “I see what you’re going through and I get it. I feel like shit for what happened, Rev. I really do. The guilt is there and I know you’re feeling it too. But let me say this.”

  At his pause I ask, “Say what?”

  “We’re not responsible for what they did, especially you.” He points at me. “You’re just a kid.”

  “So are you,” I say softly. “This has been going on for years. We don’t even know when it started.”

  “Yeah well, I’m the one who went on a materialistic binge. I had to have everything.” So true. But when it all came up and we realized we were going to be left with nothing, he had to give up his fancy car since it was leased. Since then, he’s sold the Rolex watch our parents gave him for graduating high school and I sold some jewelry they gave me throughout the last few years, even the promise ring Dad gave me.

  That promise was broken the second I let Nick touch me. I forgot everything I said to my father. Every vow, every word. But most of all…

  We needed the money that ring got us. This has become my life.

  Survival.

  ***

  Survival.

  That’s me, trying to survive day by day. And I’m doing it damn it. The police have finally got off my back about Krista’s murder. There’s no evidence that incriminates me. They say my alibi is weak but they stopped questioning me about it.

  Thank God. I didn’t want them to go to you Reverie, but they don’t even know I was with you that night. That’s the way I want to keep it. I want to protect you, not draw you into this mess.

  There was no solid, usable evidence left behind on Krista’s body or at the crime scene. And if there was, they’re not telling me anything, but that doesn’t surprise me. They know she was supposed to meet me that night thanks to her dad dropping that info, trying his best to make me look like the number one suspect.

  But from what I understand they’re looking extra close at him. His behavior since she died is odd. They’ve brought him in for questioning countless times. The local news loves to talk about the murder and make him look suspect. Even though he’s telling the truth about my meeting with Krista, I’m still irritated with him for ratting me out so quickly. He pointed the finger straight at me and hasn’t stopped since they found her body. Anytime they talk to him he tries to drop my name but they won’t let him. So he implies that her boyfriend is the one who did it.

  I wasn’t her boyfriend. I hadn’t been for months. Yeah, we messed around but it meant nothing. She’s an old friend and I hate that she died such a terrible death. You understand how I feel I hope. I can’t be glad she’s gone, not with the fact that she was murdered.

  It sucks to admit but I don’t miss her. I’m sure you don’t either. She made our lives miserable.

  The cops think Krista’s dad is trying to divert them from him. He’s their only suspect (at least publicly) and I’m not sure why. I’m not sure if I want to know why either. Krista was his daughter. I know they had a fucked up relationship but could it have been so bad that he’d end up killing her after a raging fight?

  I hope not. But there’s no other answer. No other suspect besides me that I know of. And I know I didn’t do it.

  I’m ram
bling. Michael would tell me I’m stuck in the past and that dude is right. I am stuck in the past. It’s hard to get my head out of it when I’m constantly confronted with my past transgressions day in and day out. The cops won’t let it go. They don’t care that David made up the entire story about me beating that guy to death. Once in jail, always an ex-con. It fucking sucks.

  I need to get over it.

  Reverie, I hope you’re well. I like to tell myself that I’ve moved on from you. Harsh, right? It’s probably best that we’re not together, that I don’t see you, that you’re not a part of my life any longer. I would only bring you down. You’re a senior and you need to be having fun, enjoying your last year in high school. Doing things I never got a chance to do since I was locked up in jail (look there I go again, blah blah blah, poor me). I want that for you. I don’t want you miserable.

  But then I saw the article about your parents being permanently terminated from The Flock of the Lambs and I know…you must be having a hard time. I want to be there for you, holding you close and comforting you. Maybe you found someone else to comfort you though. I hate the thought of that but I have no claim on you. I’m the one who walked away and never reached out to you again.

  It’s all on me. I have no one to blame but myself.

  So I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re living your life and not allowing yourself to become stuck in the past. I’m trying to do the same.

  It’s hard though. So fucking hard.

  Love,

  Nicholas

  ***

  November 12th

  It’s been a month since I reconnected with Vanessa and Valerie. Since Evan told me that yes, our parents are thieves and liars. Since I finally wised up and stopped hanging around with people who only used me. Things have happened so fast since then I’ve had a hard time wrapping my head around it all.