Her Destiny

by Monica Murphy

  I remember the feeling of rushing to get to her the minute the police released me, my heart racing the entire drive to Hale House. When I got there, the house was dark and quiet, the grounds seemingly abandoned and I knew before I even attempted to knock on the door they were gone.

  For good.

  “We came back here early. I told you that was going to happen,” she murmurs. “My parents wanted to get us back so they could…take care of legal matters.”

  Huh. Yeah, that went real well for them. “You shouldn’t have told that detective about us being together that night, Reverie. I didn’t want to get you involved in this mess. I was trying to protect you.”

  “By hurting yourself in the process? That’s the dumbest thing ever Nick, and you know it.” She stands, her cheeks red, hands resting on her hips. “I’m your alibi, proof that you couldn’t have been the one who killed Krista that night yet, you kept your mouth shut.”

  “I know, but I didn’t want you involved in this.” I stand too, towering over her, hating how she cowers away from me ever so slightly. “I knew your parents would flip out if they knew we spent the night together and that’s how you became my alibi. I didn’t want to get you in trouble.”

  “They weren’t even paying attention to me. They were too wrapped up in their own problems.” She’d shed her coat when she first entered the apartment and she looks damn good in the simple white button-up shirt and black pants. There’s a stain on the shirt though, low on her belly, and the fabric is wrinkled. She’s nothing like the girl I left behind, nothing at all. “I missed you,” she admits.

  My heart cracks. “I missed you too, baby. I was climbing the walls trying to find you.”

  “I’m sorry. Maybe…maybe it was for the best.” She wraps her arms around herself and holds on, looking small and sad. “Things are so different now, Nick. And so am I. You probably wouldn’t like me anymore.”

  I take a step toward her, ready to convince her otherwise. “There’s no way that could be true.”

  “I hardly recognize myself. When school first started I went sort of…wild. Going out to parties, meeting boys.”

  My muscles tense and I try not to show any outward reaction. “What sort of guys?”

  “Jerks who were only looking for one thing. Sometimes I let them…touch me.”

  Closing my eyes briefly, I will myself to stay under control. I had no claim on her then, though she’s always been mine. “I don’t know if I want to hear this.”

  “It didn’t last that long. I got over my rebellious streak quick.” She laughs but there’s no humor in the sound. “I never heard from you again, you refused to see me when I went to the jail looking for you. My parents were neglecting us…it felt like no one cared about me. So I decided I didn’t care about me either.”

  “Reverie…” I start toward her but she holds out her hand, stopping me.

  “Don’t.” She shakes her head, her expression forlorn. “I don’t want your sympathy. I snapped out of it quick. I have my brother. I have my friends. I don’t need anyone else.”

  Including me? I want to ask but I don’t. She’s hurting. She thinks I abandoned her. I need to convince her I didn’t. Not really.

  Yeah, fine I turned her away when she came to the damn jail the day after they kept me for questioning about Krista’s death. The fucking cops encouraged me to go talk to her, probably hoping I’d slip up, but I refused. I wasn’t going to put her through that.

  I didn’t want her to see me like that either.

  Protecting her only ended up fucking over my chance with her. I think I may have ruined it.

  For good.

  ***

  Early November 14th

  Evan came home from work earlier than expected, much to my relief. Nick and I had settled back in our respective seats after our discussion got a little heated. Then our conversation turned into me trying my best to dodge his questions about my parents. Despite how close we were, I’m not comfortable talking about what Mom and Dad did with him. I’m not comfortable talking about it with anyone, only Evan. And that’s because he’s the only one who understands how I feel.

  Spending time with Nick alone, I can feel my defenses wearing down, minute by minute. Just looking at him is a temptation I find hard to resist. I want to go to him so bad and curl up in his lap, feel his strong arms wrap around me and hold me close. He looks so cute in his jeans and light gray hooded sweatshirt, his hair a little wild from the moisture in the air outside, the golden highlights from the summer sun I loved so much now gone. They must’ve been trimmed off and I silently mourn the loss.

  So silly.

  “What the hell is he doing here?” Evan asks the minute he walks through the door and spots Nick sitting on the couch. “You brought back the help? Did you tell him we can’t pay as much as Mom and Dad did?” He laughs at his own joke but I ignore him, focusing instead on Nick’s expression, how irritated he looks, but he restrains himself from saying something awful in return.

  I’m thankful. The last thing I want is for him and my brother to go at it.

  “Seriously, Rev.” Evan stops by the chair I’m sitting in, peering down at me with that protective older brother vibe radiating from his tense body. “What the hell is he doing here?”

  “I’ll leave.” Nick leaps to his feet, obviously uncomfortable, and I stand as well, going to him.

  “No.” I rest my hand on his shoulder and he glances down at where my fingers rest before he lifts his head to meet my gaze. “Stay here with us tonight.”

  “Oh, hell no,” Evan starts but I turn to glare at him, shutting him up.

  “I couldn’t…” Nick’s voice fades when I send him the same look.

  “He has nowhere else to stay. I’m not going to let him sleep in his truck again and neither are you, Evan.” I pause, letting that information sink in. “He’s going back home tomorrow, right Nick?”

  “Yeah.” He pauses and shoves his hands into his front pockets. “Though don’t you have to go back there with me?”

  Crap. Why did he have to bring that up now? I did promise Detective Jacoby I would return to the town where I spent so many summers so I could make an official statement in regards to my being with Nick during the night Krista was murdered. But I hadn’t planned on telling Evan about this.

  How else were you going to get there? Take a bus? Hitchhike?

  My logic isn’t always the best. I never think things through enough. I remember Mom and Dad both telling me this but I always blew them off. Guess they were right.

  “You’re not going back there with him. No freaking way,” Evan says, sounding outraged. I should be mad at him trying to stop me because hello, he’s not my dad, but all I can do is appreciate his concern because no one else seems to have it for me. At least Evan wants me safe, and I love that.

  I shoot an irritated glance in Nick’s direction before I start explaining. And by explaining, I tell Evan everything, even the hard stuff—like my staying the night at Nick’s apartment when Krista was murdered—but I don’t give him all the dirty details. I can hardly get the words out that I spent the night at Nick’s place without blushing. Evan can figure out on his own without me saying what exactly I was doing with Nick.

  I still can hardly believe I actually had sex with Nick. It’s been so long, I can almost imagine the entire summer was a dream. That I didn’t get naked with him, didn’t touch him everywhere, feel his soft, warm mouth slide all over my skin before he slid inside my body…

  Shaking myself, I focus on my brother. “So I have to go,” I say. “I have to give my statement and help Nick. They’ll leave him alone when they know he has a solid alibi.”

  “Well, I can’t take you. I have to work all weekend. And don’t you work tomorrow?”

  I nod. “Only in the afternoon, during the lunch rush. We can leave after I get off work. Is that okay, Nick?”

  He nods, his face somber. “That’s fine.”

  “Yeah, I bet it’s fine. Then
this means my sister will have to stay the night with you. Not under my watch dude,” Evan sneers. “Just because our parents weren’t paying attention doesn’t mean I’m not.”

  “Evan, stop,” I say softly but he’s not listening.

  “Besides, she has school. She can’t leave. So you can forget about your alibi over a freaking murder. Who the hell are you anyway? What sort of kid finds himself involved in that sort of heavy shit?” Evan steps closer to Nick, until he’s practically in his face. I step away but Nick doesn’t back down and fear claws at my throat. If they start fighting…

  “Did he put you up to this, Rev? Are you lying about being with him that night?” Evan asks, never taking his eyes off of Nick.

  “Hell no, she’s not lying. I tried to protect her. I never mentioned her name to the cops once,” Nick says. “I couldn’t risk it.”

  “Risk what? Getting caught?” Evan asks skeptically.

  “Ruining her reputation.”

  My heart melts. Just turns into a puddle of goo in the center of my chest. That he cares so much about me and my reputation when I was acting the fool the moment I got away from him, makes me want to both hug him for his thoughtfulness and smack him for putting his future on the line.

  Evan slides me a look as he mutters, “This guy is unbelievable.” But he steps away from Nick, much to my relief, and I go to him, resting my hands on my big brother’s shoulders so I can give him a little shake.

  “Thank you,” I whisper, standing on tiptoe so I can press a kiss to his cheek. His shoulders sag beneath my grip and I stare at his face, see the exhaustion around his eyes, the downturn of his mouth. My brother is worn out. It’s a look he’s been wearing for weeks. Months even. “Go to bed. I’ll be fine.”

  “He lays a hand on you and I’ll murder him.” Evan says it loud enough that Nick can hear and I’m sure he did that on purpose. Big brother is anything but subtle when he’s in this mode. “He sleeps on the couch, Rev. Nowhere near you, you got it?”

  “I wouldn’t sleep anywhere else,” Nick pipes up.

  Evan turns on him. “If I said you’re sleeping on the cold ass vinyl floor in the kitchen, then that’s where you’d sleep too. This is my house. Never forget it.”

  Before Nick can utter a word, Evan is gone, locked away in his bedroom, the door shutting with a loud slam.

  “I meant that I wouldn’t expect to sleep in your room or in your bed, Reverie,” Nick explains. “I get where I stand with you and your brother, and I would never try to cross that line.”

  “I know.” I suddenly feel so weary, I’m afraid I’ll drop right where I stand. Work was busy and talking with Nick, dealing with Evan…I’m exhausted. “He’s just being the protective big brother.”

  “He does a good job at it then,” Nick mutters with a slight smile and I can’t help but smile in return. It’s—nice, spending time with Nick. I’ve missed him. I already knew this and tried my best to deny it. Eventually, with everything else going on, I started to forget how being with Nick made me feel.

  And no one makes me feel the way Nicholas Fairfield does with just a look. A smile. A touch. A kiss…

  I’m fighting against those other, more complicated feelings. The ones that surge up when he smiles at me like that. I remember the taste of his lips, the way they felt against mine and I think…

  I still want him. I still lo—

  “I have a blanket in my truck I could bring up,” he says, interrupting my wayward thoughts. “If you don’t have any to spare.”

  “We have a few. Let me grab them.” I go to the hall closet and pull out a couple of throw blankets, then dart into my room to grab a pillow from my bed, before I bring it all to him.

  “Thanks,” he says as he takes the throws and pillow from me and sets them on the couch.

  I stand there, unsure of what to do, what to say next. “Um, did you bring stuff with you?” I ask. “Maybe a bag with a change of clothes or something?” My cheeks are hot again which is so stupid but all I can think about is his underwear and that is about the dumbest thing ever. What am I, twelve?

  He always looked real good in just his underwear. He has a nice chest. Broad shoulders. And a great…

  “Yeah, I’ll go down and grab it right now.” He goes to the front door and opens it, the whisk of wind blowing through and bringing with it a scattering of raindrops. He reaches behind him and yanks up his hood, obscuring his head. “I’ll be right back.”

  The door shuts and I’m off to my room, changing out of my smelly work clothes as fast as I can, throwing on a pair of plaid fleece pajama pants and an old white Henley top I’ve been sleeping in for years. I go to the mirror above my dresser and try to smooth out my messy hair, my gaze dropping to my chest. My boobs look huge in the tight top and I reach for the hem, ready to change out of it since I’m sure Nick will think I’m trying to tempt him or something, when I hear him knocking on the front door.

  Crap.

  Giving up on changing the top, I rush to the door and let him in, chastising him that he doesn’t need to knock since I didn’t lock the door behind him. Which leads him to give me a speech about how I should always keep the door locked because who knows what sort of creepers are out there lurking?

  Yikes. Men. They’re always on my case lately.

  His sweatshirt is speckled with rain and when he brushes the hood off his head, he flicks drops in my direction, making me wipe at my face with a giggle. He smiles at me and drops his duffel bag on the ground, reaching up with both hands to run his fingers through his already messed up hair until he’s gripping the back of his head. The faint smile stretching his glorious mouth is strained and there’s an unfamiliar light in his eyes. He looks about as uncomfortable as I feel.

  “This is weird,” he declares.

  I can’t help but agree. And appreciate his honesty. “It is. But we can make it work, right? It’s just for tonight. I can’t let you sleep in your truck again, Nick. It’s too cold outside. I’d never forgive myself if something happened to you.”

  “Yeah, it is pretty damn cold out there. Thanks for letting me stay.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and hunches up his shoulders. He looks nervous. I’m nervous too. “You sure Evan doesn’t mind me being here?”

  “He probably hates that you’re staying the night, but he’ll get over it.” I take a step toward him and pat him on the shoulder, marveling at the solid feel of muscle beneath my palm, beneath the thick fabric of his sweatshirt. Has he gotten taller since the last time I saw him? Broader? He’s so big, standing next to him makes me feel small. “Do you need anything else?” I remove my hand from his shoulder, wishing I could touch him more.

  “Nah. I’m gonna change, brush my teeth and go to sleep.” He smiles, looking cute, like a little boy, and my heart flutters. When he reaches for the hem of his sweatshirt I step away, watch in silent fascination as he pulls the fabric over his head, taking the T-shirt he’s wearing beneath it upward so I catch a glimpse of his flat, perfect stomach, the little trail of dark hair that starts just under his navel.

  I’m breathless, my skin is tingling and when he tosses the sweatshirt onto the couch, I start to walk backwards. “Okay well, goodnight.” I need to get away from him before I do something really stupid.

  Like jump him.

  “Night, Reverie,” he calls after me as I hurry to my bedroom. Glancing over my shoulder, I find him watching me with that penetrating, thoughtful gaze and I turn away, practically tripping over my feet in the hall. I rush into my room, shutting the door quietly before I slump against it, closing my eyes and pressing my forehead against the rough wood.

  My feelings for him haven’t stopped. I still want him. I’m still in love with him. So why am I denying myself from being with him? Because I’ve changed and I’m worried he won’t accept me for who I really am? And because my life is so crazy the last thing I need is another complication to muck it all up?

  Valid reasons, but why would I deprive myself from being with hi
m? He’s the only one who understood me. Who listened to me. Who cared about me.

  I think he still does.

  Cracking open my eyes, I push away from the doorway and shut off the light before I crawl into bed. I lay there in the dark, listening to him move about inside the bathroom, which is right next to my bedroom. He finishes brushing his teeth before he exits the room and I swear I can feel him standing on the other side of my closed door, waiting. Listening for any sign of life coming from within.

  I can’t move. I’m frozen, holding my breath, waiting for him to knock on the door, to turn the knob, anything to show that he wants to see me. I want him to both respect my brother’s wishes and defy them. I want him overcome with need yet cautious. I want…everything.

  All of him.

  Disappointment crashes through me when I realize he is definitely obeying Evan’s wishes. He doesn’t sneak into my room, doesn’t attempt to talk to me, nothing. I should be happy. Pleased that he doesn’t want to upset anyone.

  Instead, I’m sad.

  Rolling over on my side, I punch the pillow beneath my head and settle in for the night, willing myself to fall asleep. I get to spend pretty much the entire weekend with him. Maybe we can work it out then since we’ll have plenty of time. But for now I’ll have to settle for Nick visiting me…

  Only in my dreams.

  ***

  The longest night/morning ever…

  I can’t fucking sleep, not while knowing Reverie is just steps away from me, tucked into her bed, all cozy and cute in that tight white top that shows off her curves and the fuzzy pajama pants. I want to sneak into her room and crawl into bed with her. Hold her close and press my face against her neck, kissing the soft skin just behind her ear. Teasing little kisses that’ll wake her up nice and slow until she’s turning into my arms and wanting more.

  Just like that, my body reacts and I growl in frustration, staring up at the ceiling. The couch is narrow and short and my feet hang over the end, which sucks. Light from the various electronics that are scattered throughout the living room and kitchen cast the place in a dim glow and I can hear the occasional car passing by outside, the sound of rain falling, the rhythmic gust of wind rattling against the building.