“Dr. Barclay did mention that one of the w-ways I might recover my memory was to surround myself with familiar things and people,” Sara made herself say as she concentrated on guiding the infant back to nurse. “Maybe when I take a look at some of my graphic design work, that’ll come back to me, too.”
She swallowed painfully, fear rising in her at the very prospect of tackling even that much, yet she continued determinedly, “I may have forgotten my past, but that doesn’t change the fact that I need to see to my future—mine and the baby’s.”
“Oh, but you mustn’t worry about what’s to become of you,” Sarah Ann said fervently, putting an arm around Sara’s shoulders. “You were moving to Albuquerque to be with us always, and that hasn’t changed.”
With her free hand, she tried to curl Baby Cade’s thatch of black hair over her finger, failing miserably. “You know, we talked, you and I, of it being a sign of fate that I became pregnant when you were. A sign that we were meant to be closer to each other and share this experience.” She paused. “Loren and I had a long heart-to-heart about that very subject on the way here from Albuquerque. We both feel the same about things—about family. And you’re about the only family I have left in this world, Sara. Loren has Cade, and that’s about it for him, too. We don’t want to be apart from those we love most in this life.”
Wiping away a tear, she hugged Sara’s shoulders even tighter. “If your losing Greg showed me anything, it’s that life is too short, too precious, to waste a moment not being with those you love,” she said with conviction. “You belong with us now, Sara dear.”
Sara could only stare at her cousin for a long moment before she blinked.
“Th-thank you, Sarah,” she said. She noticed that her headache had abated somewhat, leaving her drained. “I—I actually think I could sleep now, if you wouldn’t mind...?”
Sarah Ann released her. “Goodness, no! I need to get a little sleep in myself, which I think I’ll be able to, too, now that we’ve had this talk.”
After her cousin left, however, Sara didn’t go to sleep. Instead she lay huddled on her bed, her body cocooned around her child as over his head she stared at the photo of the man who had been her husband, and the woman who’d been herself, until dawn crept silently into the room, bathing it in a rose-colored light, that first promise of the new day.
It was the same kind of light that radiated from both faces in the photo, promising more than a new day. It spoke of a bred-in-the-bone belief in the future—their future—and in signs that promised happiness for themselves and those they loved, so much so that there was no room for contemplation of anything different.
Yes, now she knew: that was the kind of woman she was.
Chapter Nine
“BRR,” CADE SAID gruffly into the chill air of the unheated mud porch. He straightened slowly from pulling on his boots, mentally shoring himself up.
Two female voices mingled just beyond the back door, their timbre and pitch sounding like musical bells. Especially Sara’s.
She glanced up at him as she came through the door, her cousin close behind her. Her cheeks were flushed from cold or excitement, he couldn’t tell which, making her eyes stand out in her face like two pieces of clear blue sky.
“Oh! Cade,” Sara said, rather surprised. But then, he’d been somewhat avoiding her for the past few days. She clasped the handle of the baby’s carrier in both hands like a picnic basket, a crib blanket draped over it to protect the baby from the cold.
“Here, let me,” Cade said quickly, recovering his manners. He reached for the carrier, and his fingers brushed hers.
She blushed an even brighter red. He wished he knew what it meant.
“I was just headin’ out to the barn,” he mumbled.
“Oh, wait and see what we bought first, Cade,” Sarah Ann said eagerly, her own arms loaded down with shopping bags. He hadn’t much choice but to follow the two women into the warm kitchen. There, Cade set the carrier on the table.
Sara folded back the blanket’s edge, exposing Baby Cade’s face with a “Here you go, sweetheart.”
The look of wonder that sprang to the infant’s eyes at the magical appearance of three adults peering down at him was so comical they all laughed.
Again, Cade’s and Sara’s gazes collided, then skittered away.
He felt the strain between the two of them all the way down to his toenails, making him wish abruptly that it was again just Sara and himself on the ranch and the rest of the world held at bay. As difficult as that time had been, somehow they’d managed to get to what was important. Now, however, Loren and his wife’s presence, although they’d answered some questions, only succeeded in muddying things in Cade’s mind.
Not that it wasn’t nice to have them here. They’d been great, especially for Sara, driving her to Amarillo yesterday for the tests Doc had advised. Being as how the both of them had experience with medical matters—least ways more than him—they were, of course, the logical choice to help Sara in that department, just as it made sense for Sarah Ann to take over spelling Sara with Baby Cade and being a companion to her.
Like now, as Sarah Ann pulled a tiny light blue romper from one of the sacks and held it up for his inspection.
“Isn’t it darling?” she exclaimed.
Sara caressed the romper’s footie as if she couldn’t resist. “The dry goods store in Sagebrush had a bunch of baby things like this, all at great prices,” she said.
Her voice held the kind of awe one usually associated with discovering oil in her backyard. But he guessed that such delight as the two women were showing over the find could only be appreciated by those of the feminine persuasion—and distinctly left out those of the masculine kind.
At the thought, he flat couldn’t stay there in the kitchen any longer. He didn’t know why. All he knew was that it would kill him, for sure.
With a muttered “Looks like y’all don’t need me anymore,” Cade left the kitchen.
But once outside, with the brisk, clean air to clear his head as he strode toward the barn, he sure enough got the picture. He was jealous. He’d tried not to be, fought to be charitable, to be happy for Sara that now she had people to care for her and be company to her as he couldn’t.
And he was happy for her, deep down. If anything, seeing how well cared for she would be confirmed in his mind that she and the baby would be fine once everyone left here for their life together in Albuquerque.
The merest thought of that day nearly made him sick to his stomach. The loneliness would eat him alive. But what else could he expect? he wondered, as he yanked open the barn door with a bit more effort than needed. His fate had been sealed long before Sara and Baby Cade had come to the ranch.
At least now he had the comfort of knowing he’d done his part in seeing to hers and the baby’s long-term happiness.
Cold comfort it would be, though, once they left.
Which was why a half hour later when he heard a friendly “Like a hand?” from behind him, Cade wasn’t in a more receptive mood for help or much else, mostly because he’d bet it was the “much else” that Loren had followed him out here to dispense some of.
Regardless, Cade turned and said amiably enough, “Fact is, I could use two that didn’t feel like they were gonna break off in the next minute.”
The space heater he’d rigged up so he could get a little repair work done on his tractor only put out the kind of BTUs that held the worst of the cold at bay: enough to keep his fingers from turning completely to icicles, but falling short of thawing them out entirely.
Loren gave a rueful chuckle of commiseration as he ambled over, his own hands deep within the pockets of his down jacket.
“I forgot how cold it can get here in the Panhandle. That blizzard sure looks to’ve been a doozy. What’d you get, a foot of snow?”
Cade adjusted the shop light on its hook and stooped to retrieve the wrench. “Yup.”
He gave a grunt of satisfaction as the bolt he’d been working at came loose. Brief as it was, the exchange was the most conversation the two brothers had had since Loren had arrived three days ago, but that was mostly on account of Loren and Sarah Ann seeing to Sara’s needs—and himself, again, continuing to see to the welfare of the ranch.
“I haven’t had a chance to ride out and take a look at the herd yet,” Loren said, bringing Cade out of his thoughts. “Kinda itchin’ to, I have to admit.” He dropped his chin. “Didn’t realize how much I missed the place until I got here. It makes me wonder how I could’ve left in the first place.”
Cade concentrated on turning the tractor’s bent shaft, getting a load of grease all over his hands in the process. “Well, Virg is gonna be heading out to the east section tomorrow, if you’re of a mind to go along.”
Loren made a sound, and Cade glanced up at him. His brother stood lock-kneed, staring down at him with an exasperated expression. “I was hopin’ you’d do the honors, Cade.”
“Oh.” He wiped his hands on a rag. “Sure. Whenever you’d like. I’m at your disposal.”
Making another sound, this one definitely a huff of disgust, Loren took a turn around the interior of the barn, finally coming back to stand next to Cade, who’d turned back to his work.
“Look, Cade,” his brother began, “I’m not sure how else to bring this up, but, well, I know I sort of hinted in my letter about maybe comin’ back to the ranch to work and live.”
That sure enough got Cade’s attention. He sat back on his heels. “You did?” He’d thought that was just his own wishful thinking!
“Well, sure. What’d you think I meant when I said that about my kids having the chance to know their uncle?”
Cade shrugged. “I’m sure I didn’t know what to think, Loren. It was the first I’d heard from you in seven years. Who knew the man you’d become during that time, what your priorities were—or where your loyalties lay?”
So. It seemed there was a bit of old business that needed to be gotten out of the way. He didn’t like it, didn’t like the bitter tinge to his words, but there it was.
To his credit, Loren didn’t bat an eye. “You’re right. You couldn’t’ve known what was goin’ on with me all those years.”
Fingers still crammed into his pockets, he leaned against the tractor wheel. “Mostly it’s what’s happened in the past year or so that’s made the difference, though. I got married to Sarah Ann. Sara Jane lost her husband right around when they found out they were gonna be parents. Then when Sarah Ann became pregnant...well, I guess I had one of those moments of truth you get in life, and everything suddenly seems crystal clear. You know, like when you get your throwin’ rope in a tangle. One minute you’re sure you’ll never find the sense in all the snarls, and in the next the way out comes clear to you, so pretty soon you’re turning it around your hand in nice even loops.”
He toed at a piece of hay on the cement flooring, his expression as serious as Cade had ever seen it. “And what I saw in that moment is just how important family is. Bein’ with family is important. And I’d like us all to be a real family again—maybe even for the first time—here on the ranch.”
Planting his hands on his thighs, Cade stood with a cracking of joints. “If you’re askin’ me for permission to move you and Sarah Ann back to the ranch, Loren, I guess I don’t feel that’s my decision.”
His brother pushed himself upright. “Wh— Sure it is, Cade!”
“Granddad always meant for you to take over runnin’ the place, y’know.” And for Cade to make his mark in another arena.
“Yeah, but you’re the one who’s got the most say of what goes on here at the ranch after keepin’ it going almost single-handedly for seven years,” Loren protested. “And’ve made a fine job of it, from what I understand.”
He pointed in the general vicinity of the bunkhouse. “Virg’s told me. The herd is in great shape, and you’ve never had to gather up cattle to sell to make it through the winter. You’ve kept the heifers producin’, from what I understand, and the calf crop as uniform as you can get it.”
Loren shook his head in amazement. “Believe me, Cade, that sort of ranch management is a real accomplishment—especially when I know your heart’s been elsewhere. I kinda even thought...well, Virg told me, too, that you’d bought yourself a fine new gelding you’ve been trainin’ up. I always knew you had an ambition to build a business training horses. I figured if I came back to take up some of the slack, you’d have the time to go after that dream without the ranch sufferin’ a bit for it.”
His voice turned rough. “It’s the least I can do, seein’ how you kept the faith, so to speak, for seven whole years.”
Cade didn’t know what to say. Couldn’t say anything for a few moments as his throat worked and his thoughts whirled in confusion. Until just now, he hadn’t realized, really, exactly how much his brother’s opinion meant to him. Oh, despite all his fine compliments, Cade knew he’d never be the rancher Loren was; it wasn’t about that anymore. No, what he had needed more from Loren was that special recognition of his efforts: for not quitting him or the ranch all through the seven years he’d been gone.
And now that Cade had that recognition, he discovered it was all that he needed, much as Sara’s happiness was all he’d needed, to make every bit of heartache he’d gone through or might still go through worth it.
“In that case,” he said as roughly, “I’d be pleased to have you and Sarah come to live on the ranch, Loren.”
He stuck out his hand, and instead found himself engulfed in a hug that did him a world of good. Yes, there was something about knowing you’d stepped up and met a challenge, not only in an emergency but over the long haul, that sure enough gave a man something to be proud of.
When Loren finally pulled away, he wore the same old smile from way back, when they’d been two kids with so much to prove, mostly to themselves, and he knew his brother was experiencing the same feeling.
Cade tilted his head, indicating the broken tractor. “Just so long as you know, I’ve got seven years built up of doin’ the nastiest, dirtiest chores around the place. You’ve got some catchin’ up to do.”
Loren laughed. “Now that really is the least I can do for takin’ off like a jackrabbit and not even sending word of where I was or what I was doing.” He sobered. “If it helps, I never had a day I wasn’t sorry for doing that. I’m not proud of it. Believe me, I’ve spent a lot of time feeling ashamed about what happened with Marlene. Sorry, too, for accusin’ you of something you’d never’ve done in a million years.”
Cade’s stomach did a full three-sixty. He knew Loren was talking about Marlene. He knew it. And yet guilt had still taken him on a roller-coaster ride.
That’s why he also knew he’d have to come clean here and now with Loren—about everything. It was the only way he had a chance with his brother to set the past to rest and move forward, however that happened.
“Loren, there’s somethin’ I need to tell you,” he said abruptly.
“You sound so serious, Cade,” his brother said, eyes curious.
“Yeah, well.” He cleared his throat. “First, I need to own up to some things about—about Marlene. Not that there was anything between the two of us,” he said hastily. “There wasn’t. The thing is, I didn’t realize it until just a few days ago, but there were...oh, signs of some kind of an attraction, I guess you could call it.”
“You mean the way she’d sashay up to you when we’d come into the Lone Star Tap and give you a big ol’ hug hello, even though she’d seen you not two hours before here at the ranch?”
Cade’s jaw went slack. “You—you knew?”
“Knew? Not so’s to have a conscious thought about it. But, C
ade, I’m not gonna beat myself up anymore for not recognizin’ what was as plain as the nose on my face.”
“Which was...?” Cade asked, almost mad with curiosity himself.
With a sigh, Loren took a seat on a hay bale. He squinted sideways up at Cade from under the brim of his hat. “You knew Marlene went with me, when I left here.”
Cade nodded, himself settling one hip on the edge of the wooden workbench. “I figured you went ahead and got married, too.”
“That we did. Fact is, I couldn’t wait to get the ring on her finger, even after catching the two of you in a compromisin’ position, no matter how y’all got there.”
He leaned forward on his elbows, hands clasped between his knees as the nearby space heater tick-tick-ticked. “Of course, things went downhill from there. The only reason we decided to put down stakes in Albuquerque was because she had some relatives there. I started right in trainin’ to be a paramedic so I could support us, so it was about a year before the blinders started to wear off.
“Honest,” his brother continued, “I don’t bear her any ill will—at least not now. I even talked to her just a few months ago and she’s happily married.”
He laughed again, a short bark aimed at himself this time. Dropping his head between his shoulders, he wagged it slowly back and forth. “Believe it or not, I don’t think I really accepted it even after we’d split up. Truth be told, I was pretty bitter for a long time.”
Loren lifted his chin and met Cade’s gaze. “Then I met Sarah Ann. Cade, I took one look at her and suddenly everything that had happened up to then in my life fell into place. I just knew, then and there, I was right where I needed to be, however roundabout the journey I’d taken to get there.”
He spread his hands, the look on his face that of a man who’d witnessed the impossible. “She’s like...the other half of me. I can’t imagine what I did without her before we met, even though I’m smart enough to realize that I wouldn’t have recognized that at twenty-four, or twenty-five or even twenty-six. I had some growin’ to do, and I don’t just mean putting twenty pounds on my skinny frame. I needed those years before Sarah to learn what it was to really love someone and have them love you, and how that’s not somethin’ you can make happen, any more than you can stop it from happening.”
New Year's Baby (Harlequin Heartwarming) Page 17
