“So let it happen,” she pleads. “You’re a grown adult, and don’t need permission to feel what you do.” She rolls the office chair close to me, so our knees knock. “You’ve been through too much to play games. If you want to see where it goes, then see where it goes.”
My legs bounce involuntarily, and she puts her hands on my thighs to still them.
“But if you don’t, and you choose to sit here and wait to cross check items off some imaginary expectation list, you’re going to miss it.” Taking my hands in hers, she raises them, so they sit between us. “You’re going to miss this guy, who amongst all the other shit in your life, managed to catch and hold your attention. Twice.” She squeezes my hands hard, almost like she’s begging me to listen. “Give it to him, Sasha. All of it.”
After her big speech, Holly leaves me alone, and I’m grateful. Everything she said is true, the way I feel, the way he is, and exactly what I’m going to miss out on if I don’t see where it can go.
And if it doesn’t work? That’s okay too, because I now know, from the way he looks at me, touches me, the things he says, and the things he doesn’t; I’m enough.
It might not be him, and it won’t be today, but I think I’ve finally found the self-worth I’ve been searching for.
* * *
Since my talk with Holly, it’s like the universe is working in sync with her to make sure Jay and I become inseparable. The time we spend in each other’s company is limited, and that’s my fault. There’s no risk with Lily and I, because she only knows me as her teacher. But I still have so much to speak to Dakota about before I even consider bringing Jay into our lives. And for now, even if it’s unspoken, it seems like he understands that.
Last night was another sex filled evening, my appetite for him becoming impossible to wane. He’s rough, controlling, and downright filthy the second our clothes come off. It’s a complete contrast to the man who opens up doors, helps me clean my kitchen, and now brings brioche cake to work whenever he has the chance.
I’m as giddy as a school girl, and I can’t even hide it anymore. It’s about eight o’clock when Jay walks in with Lily in his grasp. My heart hammers inside my chest as our smiles instantaneously mirror one another. It’s been no time at all since I’ve seen him, and I can barely contain the relief at having him in front of me.
Crouching down, I meet Lily. “Morning.”
Her sleepy eyes look up at Jay and he lowers himself to join us. “Did you lose your words, Lilipad? Say good morning to Miss Sasha.”
She frowns, but does as he asks. “Morning, Miss Sasha.”
Jay’s eyes move from Lily to mine. “Good morning, Miss Sasha.”
The blush is imminent, his gruff voice turning the most innocent greeting, sinful.
“Hey.” Standing, I point to my office. “I’m going to let you guys settle in, and I’ll be there if you need me.”
The invitation is clear as day, and he winks in acceptance.
The door rushes open, and he pounces. Caging me in with his arms against the wall, his lips trail down from my ear to my collar bone. “Is it weird if I say I hate leaving your bed in the mornings.”
I smile. Something I’ve done so much more of since he’s walked into my life, and stretch my neck, giving him more access to me. “It would only be weird if I didn’t feel the same.”
Pulling back, he stares at me, the slightest bit of apprehension passing over his features. “Do you?”
“I miss you whenever I’m not with you.”
He seals his mouth on to mine, and I sigh into him; glad my confession did nothing more than motivate him to touch more of me.
“Sasha,” Holly calls from the other side of the door.
“Fuck,” Jay huffs. “It’s never going to be enough.”
He says it more to himself than me, but it’s enough to let me know I’m not completely alone in my infatuation.
Opening the door, Holly looks past me and smiles at Jay. I can’t even be mad at her cockblocking. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be able to sneak in that extra five minutes with him every day.
“Hello, Mr. Evans.”
“Holly, you kick me out of here almost every day. Just call me Jay.”
“And miss seeing that scowl on your face? Hell no.” Opening the door wider, she walks in and passes us. “I actually came to see if you guys wanted to go across the road for coffee? A morning tea break, maybe?” She looks at me pointedly, basically demanding I do as she says. “It’s slow and I’d rather not have to worry about whether or not I’m sitting on man jizz.”
Jay takes hold of my hand, and gives her a sinister smile. “Don’t worry Holly, there’s only one place my man jizz goes—”
“Jay,” I scold, interrupting him before he takes that joke any further, while Holly pretends to block her ears.
“Thanks for that, Mr. Evans.”
We’re already halfway out the door when he glances at her with the most serious expression. “It’s Jizz Man, Jay to you.”
“You two are incorrigible.” He throws his arm around my shoulders, and I realise we’ve never done this before. Been in public together before. I link my fingers with his and contemplate how real this feels, as we cross the street.
“But we’re funny.”
He pulls a chair out for me, and gives me a quick peck before glancing at the menu board. “What do you want to drink?”
“Can I have a Caramel Latte, please?”
Taking advantage of the unfettered access we have to one another, he kisses me again. “Coming right up.”
Sitting down, he takes my hand in his as we wait for the waiter to bring us our drinks. “So,” he starts. “I wanted to ask you something.”
“Yeah?”
“Well, I was thinking. What if, next week I took you out for dinner?”
“You don’t have to do that.”
His brows furrow. “But, I want to.”
I tug at my earlobe, while trying to put my thoughts together. I know what I’m feeling isn’t going to make sense to anyone else but me, so I try to avoid answering him altogether.
“What’s the big deal?” he presses. The waiter interrupts Jay’s confusion, placing our coffee’s on the table. “What aren’t you telling me?”
I hold the tumbler to my nose, and inhale the sweet smell of Caramel. “Nothing.”
He leans closer. “Sasha.”
Avoiding his gaze, I try another tactic. “Why don’t we go to your place, if you want a change in scenery.”
“You think I’m going to take you back there?” His voice is low, and angry, demanding my attention. “Where all that shit went down? It’s bad enough I have to be there with Lily.” He cuts himself off, his shoulders moving with every exhale as he tries to calm himself down. “And the point of our nights together is to be alone. Why would I invite you over when Max and Lily are there?”
Hold up.
“Max lives with you?” The whole cafe turns to look at us, my voice carrying a bit more than I intended it to. He gives the neighbouring patrons a tight smile. “Yeah. You didn’t know?”
My head shakes vigorously “You didn’t tell me.“
Standing, he leaves his seat, and sits next to the chair right beside me. Grabbing my hands, he turns me till we’re facing one another, our legs interlocking. “I honestly thought you knew.”
“No. I assumed she came over on Wednesdays or you took Lily there.”
“It’s not a big deal honestly, there was just so much going on.” His face changes, a little more flustered, the words a little more rushed. “I didn’t intentionally hide it from you.”
He thinks I won’t believe him.
“Jay, baby.” I cradle his face in my hands, and stare him square in the eyes. Waiting for the waves to subside. “I trust you. I’m just shocked, that’s all.”
“I came back to Sydney because Leroy got bashed to the point where he was brain dead upon arrival.” He covers my hands with his, keeping us close together. “Max called m
e, hysterical. He owed people a shit load of money and they were coming for her.”
In shock, my palm covers my open mouth. “I’m so sorry.”
He kisses me, comfort to both of us before continuing. “I tried to sell the house to come up with the money, but it didn’t sell in time to meet the deadline.”
“What did you do? Are people after you and Max?” My mind takes off on a million different tangents, hysteria close to settling in. “What about Lily?”
“Breathe, Pretty Girl.” He leans his forehead on mine. “I wasn’t going to let anything happen to Lily and Max. I got a loan against the security business to pay it back.”
His sacrifices have no bounds, and the worry about it al feeling too real if we went out in public, has suddenly taken a back seat to how I feel right now, with him. He isn’t the darkness. Not anymore. He’s the sunrise on a new day, bright, beautiful, and warm. Starting fresh, and full of promises. He’s brand new.
“I’d never met Max, and she didn’t even know Leroy had a brother.” The end of the sentence gets stuck, and he clears his throat to cut through the emotion. His stoic, confident demeanour slips. “He didn’t tell her anything about me.”
Still so close, we stay together, as I try and absorb his current state of heartache.
“I got Max out of trouble. I did it for Leroy,” he clarifies. “She lives with me because as far as I know she’s got nowhere else to go.”
Do you even know how special you are?
I hold back the question, and replace it with something that doesn’t sound like I’m so into him right now. “Is she going to stay there?”
“I want to help her, but it’s a lot of money that I could use.”
Nodding in understanding, I dive straight in to the unavoidable. “So you’ll sell it, and then go?”
One. Two. Three.
The silence is long, but it’s the unspoken beats of our hearts that say everything neither of us will. I wish I didn’t have to bleed out in order to get the answer to the question.
“Jay.” My voice a little more firm. “When are you leaving?”
“I don’t know.”
“When will you?
He cups the back of my neck and pulls me to him, stopping short, millimetres shy off my mouth. “I’ll have a better idea if you go out to dinner with me.”
He attempts to redirect the conversation, and I let him, because the alternative is too heavy, and I want to enjoy us.
“You really want to do this dinner thing, huh?”
“You really don’t?” he pulls back narrowing his eyebrows at me.
“Is it a date?” I cringe at how lame I really am. “Because I’ve never been on one before.”
“How has no one ever taken you out on a date?”
“I’ve never been into them, or had time for them.”
He lights up like he’s won the lotto. “Until now?”
I laugh at his insinuation. “Well, you haven’t convinced me yet.”
“Is that so?” he scoffs. He brings his mouth to my ear. He whispers, and his breath sends shivers down my spine. “What if I promise to feed you?”
“Mmmmm,” I hum appreciatively.
“Then I promise to fuck you.” My legs itch to rub together as I think of him inside of me, but he holds them apart; taunting me.
“And then?”I breathe out.
“You’re a greedy little thing aren’t you?” His fingertip traces up the inside of my thighs and I’m sure if he goes any higher I’ll turn into a puddle of liquid on this cafe floor. “I’m going to fill you up, Pretty Girl. I’m going to fill you up till it hurts. Til you’re fucking bursting at the seams, and screaming my name.”
I lower my head and press my lips together to stifle a moan. His words are a lethal combination, a filthy romantic, dragging me deeper into his world.
“I’m going to be so deep inside you, Pretty Girl. You’re never going to want me out.”
I throw myself at him. Without restraint or a care in the world, I mold my mouth to his. I soak up his words, exactly like he intended, and tell him with every stroke of my tongue that he’s already so far inside my head. It’s irreversible. Embedded in my skin, and crawling his way into the unloved corners of my scarred heart. He’s there to stay. I just don’t know for how long.
16
Jay
When Sasha admitted she’d never been on a date before, I should’ve told her the truth. Neither had I. The only thing close to a relationship I’d ever had was with Bianca, and that was instigated by the pregnancy.
Bianca was a one night stand who turned into something more. We grew together, and learned to love one another. It wasn’t explosive or passionate, but it was enough for two people who were given the chance to be something they never thought they could be: Parents.
We both grew up with horrible experiences, and promised each other no matter what, it would never be like that for our child.
Unfortunately for my newly formed family, Bianca died from complications at childbirth. She had preeclampsia during her pregnancy and suffered a seizure while delivering Lily, that left her fighting for her life.
Since that moment it’s only ever been me and my daughter, living out Bianca’s wishes, one day at a time.
While whatever we planned, didn’t eventuate into forever, she showed me what it was like to hope. To want something more than you deserve, and to do everything in your power to keep it.
So, with a little help from Holly, I organise what is hopefully going to be the best first date Sasha has ever had, because tonight I’m setting the wheels in motion. I know it won’t be easy, and I’m certain there’ll be huge hurdles we’re going to face, but I need to make her mine. I need to know that she is willing to try this out with me, because I can’t live with the uncertainty of it any longer. Not when she’s not here in the flesh. A reality that I can taste and touch and talk to.
I can’t walk away knowing I never tried. Not again.
“You look really good,” Max compliments. Tilting her head up from the puzzle she’s putting together with Lily, she gives me an imperceptible nod. “I have a good feeling about it.”
“I hope you’re right.” I roll up my sleeves, feeling like a school kid getting ready for my end of school formal.
“She’s a really good egg. I don’t know anyone who would do what she did for us, to get Lily in the school. And that was before she even knew it was you.”
I laugh, because if she knew it was me, she probably wouldn’t have bent over backwards to help me out.
“Are you two going to be okay? You know you can call me if you need anything.”
Max rolls her eyes at me and blows out a loud breath, before looking at Lily. “Tell your dad to take a chill pill, Lilipad.”
Lily ignores her, but we both smile anyway. Max looks at me with a resigned expression. “How many times are we going to go over this. We will hold down the fort, and you should go and do whatever it is you and Sasha do.”
I give her a smirk.
“You’re gross.”
It’s taken a while but Max and I are in a really good place. Good enough that I’m considering leaving the house for her to rent from me when I leave.
Dressed and ready, I shove my wallet in my pants and pocket the present I have for Sasha. Grabbing my keys and phone off the coffee table, I bend down and kiss the top of Lily’s head. “I’ll see you later Lilipad.”
“Bye Daddy,” she shrieks, an octave higher than necessary.
“See you,” I call out to Max.
“Maybe tonight you could actually sleep at Sasha’s place instead of sneaking in like a creeper.”
I could
“I’ll call you and let you know.”
“Text only, Jay. We’ve been through this already.”
“Whatever.”
I’m in front of her house in record time, and I’m starting to worry that maybe this was a bad idea. Unlocking my phone, I find the number I’m looking for and call i
t.
“Jizz man, Jay, why are you calling me when you’re supposed to be with Sasha?” Holly answers, as perky as ever.
“I’m parked outside her house.”
“Still sounds sketchy,” she quips.
“Are you sure she’s going to like this?”
“There’s only one way to find out.”
Closing my eyes, my head falls back onto the headrest and I count to ten. I can do this. “Okay. I’m going in.”
“Most excellent,” Holly mocks. “I’d say have fun, but I’m not prepared for a smart retort from you.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll save it for later.”
Her laughter fills up the car. “Bye, Jay.”
“Thanks, Holly.”
Before I even have the chance to knock, the door opens with Sasha’s phone between her ear and shoulder and her shoes dangling from her fingers.
“Yes, but... No, just call me if it gets worse.” Whatever the other person says to her, has her scrunching up her face. “Okay, bye.”
She expels a heavy sigh then pulls the phone away from her ear. “Sorry, I’ll just get these on and we can go.”
Leaning forward, I grab the shoes out of her hands and kiss her quickly. “Sit down.”
She eases down on her patio chair, and I crouch in front of her. Wrapping my hand around her ankle, I bring her foot to the heel and slide it in. “Is everything okay?”
The lack of response has me looking up.
“Sorry, did you say something, because I’m still stuck on the gorgeous man putting on my shoes for me.”
If she looks at me like that for the rest of my life, I’ll put on her shoes every goddamn day. “I asked if everything was okay?”
She seems to frown at the reminder. “Dakota’s stomach has been hurting her. She left school early and now she’s sleeping it off at Jagger’s.”
“Do you want to cancel?”
She places a hand on my forearm. “God, no. Jagger will call me if he needs me.”
“I don’t mind.”
“I know you don’t, but I do. Holly sent me home early from work with a care package, and now I smell like a bath bomb.” She sniffs the top of her hand and then thrusts it in my face. “See?”
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