"Yeah?"
"Pete and I are getting married here. On Christmas."
"OH MY GOD!" Madison's shriek pours from my cellphone speaker.
It's loud enough I have to press the phone to my chest and take a deep breath.
Even with my phone at my chest, I can hear her shrieking.
"Oh my God, Jessie. That's amazing. And romantic. God, he's so hot. I'd hate you if I didn't love you."
Why did I expect her to react with judgment?
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I know Madison is happy for me, but there's still something in the way. It was half a year ago that she slept with my boyfriend, but it's still between us. Yes, I forgive her. I love her.
But it's still hard to trust her.
It's not like she'd sleep with Pete.
Would she?
I shake my head to shake off the thought. He'd never consider it. I know she wouldn't do that to me again, that she only did it because my ex convinced her our relationship was over, but the thought refuses to leave my brain.
I bring the phone back to my ear. "Thanks. We're excited."
"Are you nervous? I'd be so nervous."
"I am."
She squeals again. "Oh, Jessie. It's like a fairytale. A wedding on Christmas. With the hottest guy in the universe. I mean, I know you like other things about him, but you have to admit that he is fucking fine!"
The tension in my shoulders eases as I laugh. She really is happy for me. A little jealous, maybe, but I can't exactly blame her.
I'm relaxed enough to stoke her jealousy. "He fucks much better than fine. I'd say he fucks expertly."
She sighs that if only fangirl sigh of hers.
I make my voice as confident as I can. "I want you to be my maid of honor."
"OH MY GOD, REALLY?"
"Yes. But you'll need to tone it down a little. I'm sure you've woken Dad up."
"He's up."
"This late?"
"It's not that late. But yeah. He's had a lot of insomnia since he got out." Her voice drops low enough to remind both of us that he got out of rehab and not some fun, cushy vacation. "Mostly, he watches TV in his room."
I remind myself that this call isn't about my dad's sobriety. It's about my wedding. This is the one time in my life where I'm expected to be selfish.
"How about if I fly in early?" Madison says.
I would love help with the dress. Madison is good with clothes. "If it's not an imposition."
"Of course not! I want to be there to help. You only have three days. Hold on." She taps something on her computer. "There's a flight tomorrow morning. It gets in at ten A.M. your time zone. I'll take a cab to your hotel and we can spend the whole day taking care of everything. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Great! Jessie, I'm so happy. Are you happy? You sound tired."
"We got up early."
"Oh, sure. Wait... are you pregnant? You'd tell me if you were pregnant, wouldn't you?"
"No, I'm not pregnant."
"Oh. Good. You should probably wait until you're done with school. If you guys have kids. You are, aren't you?"
"Oh, I..."
We've never talked about it.
Ever.
The subject has never come up. Not once. Not even on the way home from brunch, post Drew and Kara's pregnancy announcement.
We've never talked about whether or not we're having kids, and we're getting married in three days.
"I'm sure you'll figure it out," Madison says. "Do you want me to get Dad or do you want me to tell him?"
"You can get him."
My voice is empty, hollow. It's hard to breathe.
What if we want different things? Pete was right when he said he always gets what he wants. He doesn't compromise often. And there's not really room for compromise here.
It's black and white. You have kids or you don't. And nobody should have a kid they don't want. I know how awful it feels when one of your parents looks at you like you’re the thing that ruined their life.
I've never thought about raising children. It never appealed to me.
My eyelids press together. I can see me and Pete at the altar. I can see us dancing arm in arm, his dark eyes filled with love and wonder.
I can see our life together. And it doesn't involve children.
Dammit, what if we're not on the same page?
Madison's voice flows through the speakers. "Guess I spoke too soon. Dad is asleep. Should I wake him?"
"No, it's late."
"I'll tell him... well, I guess I'll be leaving at the crack of dawn, so I'll leave a note or something. You okay, Jessie? Did I say something wrong?"
"No... I... I'm just tired."
"Oh, yeah. I guess I should get to bed. My flight is in less than six hours. I love you! Goodnight."
"You too."
She ends the call.
My mind works overtime. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm usually more responsible than this.
I moved in with him, I agreed to marry him. Fuck, I agreed to marry him in four days, and we've barely talked about our future.
It's not just kids... we don't talk about how long he'll keep touring. We don't talk about whether I'll spend my summers on the road with him or doing internships. They're expected, but I can't bear to give up three months with him.
We don't talk about any of it.
Okay. I won't let anxiety envelop me. All I have to do is talk to him.
That's the only solution. Period.
I step into the bedroom.
He's lying on his side, his e-reader pressed against his chest, his eyes closed. He's in his pajamas. Well, he's out of his clothes. He sleeps in boxers most of the time. But he's wearing his glasses.
He's already ready for bed.
Hell, he's practically asleep.
His chest heaves with his inhale and falls with his exhale. He turns toward me with a mumble. "You coming to bed, baby?"
"After I brush my teeth."
He nods.
"You look like you're about to fall asleep."
"Not too asleep for you to come on my hand."
The man is insatiable. I'll give him that much.
I brush my teeth, change into my pajamas, and slide into bed next to him.
I want his body close, but not for the sexual release. I want every inch of his skin pressed against mine.
I want to know this is okay.
I pull off his glasses and set them aside. He's all the way to three-quarters asleep now. I have no doubts that he's conscious enough to get me off. He can probably do that in his sleep.
But he's far too asleep for this conversation.
I nestle into his chest. His body is warm. He looks even more serene in his sleep.
I trace the lines of his tattoo as I take him in. We've figured out everything so far.
But what if we can't figure out this?
***
The phone is ringing. Not my cell. Not Pete's cell.
It's the hotel phone.
Dammit, it's loud.
I blink my eyes open. The blackout curtains do wonders to keep the room dark. My eyes go to the alarm clock on the bedside table. If I squint, I can make out the time. Ten something.
That must be Madison.
Pete stirs. He rolls over. His hand goes to my waist. He murmurs something I can't make out. Knowing him, I'm sure it's something like Don't leave the bed, baby. Not until I make you come.
Right now, he's mine. But after we talk about this...
He might not be mine anymore.
I grab my glasses from the counter and slide them on. The phone is still ringing. I need to get it before it wakes him up.
I grab the thing and bring it to my ear. "Hello."
"Hello, there's a Madison James here to see you." The front-desk person speaks with a calm, even voice. "Would you like me to send her to your room?"
"No. I'll meet her at the lobby. Thank you."
"Sure, Ma'am. Have a good m
orning."
I set the phone back in the receiver.
Pete pushes himself halfway up. He blinks his eyes open and looks at me. "Where you going, baby?"
"Madison is here."
"Already?" He yawns through the word.
"Already." I lean down to kiss him goodbye. This is what our life is like when he's home. I get up early to get ready for school. He tries to pull me back to bed, but he doesn't try hard enough to make me late. I need our life to stay like that. I need it to stay our life. "We're looking at dresses. Might take all day."
He nods as he falls back to bed. His voice is still a sleepy mumble. "You okay?"
Maybe. I don't know. But he's nowhere near awake enough for this conversation, and Madison is waiting.
I shouldn't buy a dress if it's possible we'll call off the wedding.
But I can still look.
This will be okay. If he wanted kids, he'd have said something. Wouldn't he?
His hand curls around my wrist. He tugs gently come back to bed. His fingertips brush my skin.
It's quite the inviting gesture.
"I have to go. Maddie is waiting," I say.
He nods as his arms curl around a pillow.
Chapter Forty-Six
Jess
After a round of squealing I missed yous, Madison and I grab coffee and breakfast at the hotel Starbucks. The two of us are tired enough that I enlist backup. I hate to interrupt Meg during her honeymoon, but I do need help, and she just did the impromptu Vegas wedding thing.
Jess: I hate to drag you away from screwing your husband, but do you think you could help me with picking out a dress?
Meg: Oh yah! Miles told me last night. Congrats! When is the wedding?
Jess: Christmas.
Meg: That's sweet. Why the hell didn't Miles give me that detail? The man can be a total fuck-face sometimes, but I love him. He is my husband.
Jess: You're perfect together.
Meg: A lot of people say we're tall.
Jess: You are tall.
Meg: Thanks. Where are you right now?
Jess: Hotel Starbucks.
Meg: Stay there! I'll be fifteen minutes. I know just the shop.
I use the fifteen minutes to catch up with Madison and to order a coffee for Meg.
She's bouncier than usual when she steps into the cafe. "Hey, Jess. You look nervous and happy. It's very bride-to-be." She turns to Madison. "Uh, Madison, right?"
"That's me." Madison's eyes glaze over as she takes in Meg. "Meg, was it?"
"Yes." Meg glances at the unclaimed coffee. "Is that mine?"
I nod.
"You're the best." She takes a small sip of the coffee, testing the temperature. Then she's at the counter, adding sugar and cream. "Wow, a Christmas wedding. There's today, tomorrow, then bam, you're getting married."
"Sound familiar?" I tease.
She nods. "All too familiar. Are you terrified? I was."
"A little," I admit. A lot, with this hanging over our heads. I try to push it aside. Assuming we work this out, I'll need a dress. Today is my only chance to find one. "I know I want to be with him, but it's fast."
"Very fast." Meg motions to Madison. She mouths, is she okay?
My sister is still standing there, star-struck. She's staring at Meg's cleavage. Well, at the Be Brave, Love tattoo on Meg's chest.
I make an excuse for my sister. "She just flew in from New York. She's tired."
"You want another one of these?" Meg shakes her coffee cup.
Madison blinks, only barely roused. "Uh, no. That's okay. Should we grab a cab?"
"Let's," I say.
This early in the morning, the line for cabs is short. We chat about Meg's impromptu wedding as we wait. She really pulled shit together on short notice. It's admirable.
Madison asks her a million questions on the ride to the boutique. Slowly, my sister shakes off her slack-jawed, star-struck stare. She shifts into let's do this mode. Madison loves clothes and fashion. She already has a million ideas about my dress.
She's still talking when we arrive. "You're very, um, pear-shaped, Jessie. A strapless dress can help draw the eye up."
Meg practically pushes her out of the cab. "No way is she drawing the eye up. Have you ever seen the two of them together?"
"Only a little," Madison admits.
"He's always staring at her ass. In a pervy, I'm picturing you naked, thinking about spreading your legs way too." Meg crinkles her nose. "I guess I can't really talk with the way my husband is always sucking on my neck."
I laugh. "He is! Doesn't that bother you?"
"I like it. As long as he doesn't do it in front of my family." She pulls the door open and waits for us to step inside the shop. "He's respectful in front of my parents. It's not like him at all."
The place is bright and cheery. The white and ivory dresses that line the walls glow in the sunlight.
I drop my empty coffee in the trashcan. My hair is a mess. I must have a tie somewhere in my purse.
"You should wear something that accentuates your hips." Meg's eyes go to said hips. "You have assets. Show them off."
Madison looks around the room. "Whatever will make you feel confident and beautiful."
I consider the question as I pull my hair into a French braid. When I'm busy with school, I barely think about my appearance.
But when I'm with Pete... it doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing. He always looks at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.
I copy Meg's words. "I have assets. I want to show them off."
Madison turns to Meg. "Does he really stare at her ass that much?"
"More," Meg says.
My cheeks flush. "I'm right here."
"You love it. You two are both pervs. You're perfect for each other." Meg winks. "You want to look with us, or do you want us to take charge?"
I motion to the other side of the store. "Divide and conquer."
Madison nods. She giggles as she follows Meg to the rack of dresses on the left. I get to work with the rack on the right.
Before Mom left and everything went to hell, I was a normal little girl. I thought about weddings and princesses and fairytale castles. But I didn't think much about the dress. More about Prince Charming whisking me away from my life.
I guess, even then, I realized things weren't exactly peachy keen.
I fall into a trance as I flip through dresses. Each is beautiful but completely different. I haven't got a clue how to start narrowing it down.
Or if I'm even going to need a gown.
What if he's a hundred percent sure he wants kids?
I'm not going to keep him from the life he wants.
Madison's squeal echoes around the room. "Come here, Jessie! We found it. It's perfect!"
I take a deep breath. I'm not sure I'm ready.
"It really is nice," Meg agrees.
Madison holds the dress up. It's a strapless mermaid gown. The ivory bodice is sleek and beaded. The tulle skirt flares into a dramatic fishtail.
It's beautiful.
"Let's try it now! If it's perfect, we'll be done for the day. Yeah?" Madison asks.
She has a point. "Okay." I press my palms together. Already, my heart is racing. This dress might be my wedding dress. If we...
No, I can't think about that right now.
I need to focus.
Madison leads the way to the dressing room. It's decorated in shades of pink. The mirrors are in ornate, silver frames. It's straight out of a princess castle. It's almost too cute.
Madison pushes her short blond hair behind her ears. "You want me to help you get into the dress?"
"Please." I haven't got a clue how to lace the corset back.
My sister pulls the curtains to one of the dressing stalls. The thing is the size of my old apartment and it's just as pink as the rest of the store.
Madison laughs. "The place has a theme." She takes in the hot pink walls and shakes her head. "And I thought t
hat we had it bad."
She works at a fancy boutique in midtown Manhattan. It's nearly an hour and a half on the Long Island Rail Road then the subway, but she loves it.
"How is work?" I ask.
"I'm assistant manager now." She hangs the dress on a hook. She's holding something else too—a longline bra. "I'm saving up to get my own place. I'm not sure if I can afford Manhattan, but I can't take that commute anymore." Her lips curl into a frown.
"I worry about Dad too."
Her hair falls in her eyes as she shakes her head. "He's doing better. And... well, you were right. He's fifty. He needs to stand on his own two feet. We need to have our own lives. There are all sorts of fashion internships in Manhattan. I'm never going to move on if I'm always racing to Penn Station to make the last Babylon train."
"I'm happy for you."
She smiles. "Thanks, but today is about your dress. And your wedding to the hottest guy in the universe." She clears her throat. "Sorry. I should probably stop reminding you that I've had dirty thoughts about your groom."
"Yes. You should. But I don't blame you." The man is dripping with sex appeal.
Madison blushes. She shakes it off. "Okay, girly. Strip to your panties. You are wearing panties, aren't you?"
"Would you really want to know if I wasn't?"
"You're right. I wouldn't. But for the sake of this crinoline-" she nods to the underskirt hanging on the rack— "I'd suffer through the knowledge enough to grab you some bridal lingerie."
"I am wearing panties."
She sighs with relief. I guess my reputation as a sex-crazed pervert has preceded me.
Usually, I feel nothing but pride about how often Pete and I make each other come. But with this do you want kids question hanging over my head, sex feels like a terrifyingly loaded subject.
Again, I remind myself to focus. It doesn't work. Half my attention stays on the possibility of us calling off the wedding.
By this time tomorrow, it could be over. No more Jess and Pete.
I'll be alone again. But it's much worse than solitude. I'll be empty and joyless without him.
Fuck. I have to focus.
I take a deep breath and undress.
Madison helps me into the longline bra and the crinoline underskirt.
She gives me a quick once-over. "You really do have a nice figure. How come I have such a flat ass?"
Sinful Ever After (Sinful Serenade #5) Page 29
