“You didn’t say she might die!” cried the daughter. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
The words hit Rebecca in the stomach. She blinked from the pain.
“She threw off a clot that blocked the artery to her brain. That’s the danger with stroke.”
The daughter stopped wailing and stared at Rebecca as if she had said something offensive. It wasn’t the physical cause of death she didn’t understand. That wasn’t the answer she wanted. Rebecca didn’t have that answer. Would never have it.
“I’m so sorry,” she mumbled and flew from the room toward the elevators.
Don’t think. Just go! Don’t let it break your heart. She stared at the floor numbers descending. Darted out onto the main floor, past the life-sized portraits of the Mount Sinai benefactors hanging on the travertine marble. How many years had she been hurrying down this hall? Past some elderly lady volunteer posted next to a table of used books outside the hospital gift shop. The never-ending lineup of visitors and staff at the coffee stand, impatient for that jolt of caffeine that would hold them to dinner. How many years had she sprinted by it daily?
She didn’t know what was happening to her. It was just over a year since David had died. She’d thought the despondency would subside. That her body would adjust to his absence at the table, in her bed. That she would be able to wake up in the morning without remembering, before anything else, that he was dead. But she became weepy at unexpected moments and sometimes had to excuse herself from company.
She had been a happy person before fate turned her into a widow at thirty-three. Fate? She didn’t believe in fate. Just blind rotten luck. Bad genes and circumstance. If only he hadn’t developed diabetes. If only he hadn’t been so goddamed funny. If only his red hair hadn’t glowed like that above the milky complexion.
His death had robbed her of her optimism. Had she really been an optimistic doctor? Didn’t that just make her stupid — ignoring everything they taught her in medical school about the vulnerability of the human body? Stupid and ready for a fall. After that first big fall, she just seemed to keep falling. She couldn’t have helped Mrs. Fiori. Nobody could. Her daughter probably understood that now. Maybe she had been an optimist too, but the ground had opened up beneath her and swallowed her mother. Maybe the weeping had been for herself.
No point hurrying today. Other Friday evenings she would head out to her parents’ house for dinner. But they were in Santa Barbara for the month. No one was waiting for her to come home. Her mother-in-law had invited her for dinner, but Rebecca had declined. She couldn’t enter that house without finding David everywhere, and all the sadness she was barely keeping at bay threatened to break the delicate barriers she had built around herself, ready to engulf her.
She walked along Elm Street, buttoning her coat against the November chill. Barely glanced up at the grey brick residence for married interns where she had spent the happiest year of her life. David had been healthy then, busy with his painting. They had both been immortal, the way the unthinking young are. She saw death and disease often during that year in the hospital, yet never dreamt it would seize her own life so soon. They had been buoyant with hope then, innocently looking forward to a life together. But the universe hadn’t unfolded as it should. David had lived for only seven more years. He had taken her hope with him to the grave.
As the wind lashed her down McCaul, she pulled up the collar of her wool coat, wrapped the silk scarf tighter around her neck. Winter was coming. Would she keep walking the four blocks back to her office every day in the freezing cold? She needed the exercise.
Baldwin Street. She barely peered sideways at the restaurants and shops, the couples, the groups of university students scouting out places for dinner. She made her way to D’Arcy, the next street south, empty in comparison, soothing with its old semi-detached houses sitting quietly in the dusky light. Only her own steps echoed softly on the pavement.
Even the wind was calmer as she approached Beverley Street. Then an agitated voice broke the silence. Or maybe it was Rebecca’s silence and the woman had been speaking all along, only Rebecca had to get close enough to hear. An accent of some kind.
“... never were any good ... You’re spoiled! You’re stupid! You don’t understand anything ... and you’re dirty.”
Rebecca slowed down. The voice seemed to be coming from a backyard enclosed by a six-foot-high hedge that smelled musty with autumn. Its leaves had fallen, but the gnarled old branches twisted upon one another in a complicated pattern that hid the yard from the street.
“You don’t deserve to live. You’re stupid, you’re fat, you’re ugly. You should be punished for what you did. You’re a monster! You should’ve died like the rest of them.”
Rebecca stopped. Was it a mother speaking to a child? The voice sounded older than that. Should she interfere?
“Why don’t you wash yourself? Look at your face — anyone can see what you had for lunch. Join the human race. Try at least to look human because you aren’t human, you’re an animal. Even animals clean themselves. You should end it all now — it would be better for you and everyone else.”
Even if it weren’t a child, the threat of violence ... Though the voice was not shouting, rather it droned on. More chilling for that. Rebecca stepped with hesitation toward the back door of the house where the hedge began. If she could only see them, she might gauge the danger.
“Get a knife — that’s not so hard — and push it in there, you know, where your heart is supposed to be. I can get you a knife right now and you can do it — save everyone a lot of trouble.”
That was enough for Rebecca. She strode through the opening of the hedge and looked around the yard. Where were they?
“Excuse me!” Rebecca called out.
Inside the hedge now, Rebecca squinted in the dimming light. In front of a wooden shed in the back corner a small old woman sat straight up, alarmed, in a vinyl kitchen chair. A green woollen hat was pulled down over her head, grey hair straggling beneath. Her shoulders shook with terror in an oversized men’s coat. Was she the victim? Rebecca looked around the yard. A child’s wagon sat piled with bulging bags near the woman. Rebecca saw no one else.
“Do you need help?” Rebecca asked, still looking into the shadows of the yard.
The woman stared at her with large dark eyes but said nothing. Her body continued to shiver.
“Is someone trying to hurt you?”
The woman’s face was blank. Her delicate features must have been pretty long ago. Maybe she was just cold.
“I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”
No reply.
At a loss, Rebecca turned to go.
“She has no heart,” the woman said.
The same voice Rebecca had heard before. She had been talking to herself.
“Who?”
“She.”
“Everyone has a heart,” Rebecca said.
The woman looked down at her feet. “They come at night. Steal the tips off her shoelaces. Look, the plastic tips, they’re gone.”
She was speaking about herself in the third person. Okay. The woman’s running shoes were so dirty, Rebecca couldn’t tell if the tips were there or not. “Why would someone do that?”
The woman looked at her as if she ought to know. “So her shoelaces will come undone. And she’ll trip and fall. And get dirty. They want her to be dirty so she’ll get sick. And die.”
Logical. “Who?”
The woman looked away and pointed half-heartedly to a tree. Rebecca wondered if the people who lived in the house knew they had a squatter in their yard. It would be hard not to notice her. All they had to do was look out their windows.
“My name’s Rebecca. What’s your name?”
“She’s going to sleep now.”
“Out here?”
The woman looked around herself as if for the first time.
“It’s too cold to sleep outside,” Rebecca said. “Would you like me to find you a w
arm place to sleep?”
“Here!” the woman shouted, agitated. “Stay here! She turns it on.”
Rebecca followed the woman’s eyes and saw a portable heater close to her feet. The filament was starting to turn red and she could feel the warmth from where she stood. An extension cord snaked from inside the shed.
“Okay,” Rebecca said. “Look’s like you’re all set.”
Mind your own business next time, Rebecca thought, as she continued back to her office. Even if she called social services, there weren’t a lot of places for homeless women in the city. The old lady would end up in a psychiatric ward overnight, terror-stricken. Leave it alone. Bad end to a bad day.
Driving home later after her office hours, she felt her stomach grumble, anticipating the matzo ball soup, Greek salad, and potato skins with cheese and bacon that she would pick up from Yitz’s delicatessen on Eglinton Avenue. Her favourites even if they didn’t cover all the food groups. Why shouldn’t she indulge herself now and then? She ate at the kitchen table while reading the Globe and Mail that had come that morning.
At nine o’clock her phone rang.
“Hi, sweetie, what’s up?”
Her mother’s voice always cheered her. “Just loafing in front of the TV.”
“You know,” said her father on the extension, “you lose IQ points for every hour you watch. Your mother’s IQ is down to thirty-eight. She’s addicted to The Young and the Restless.”
Rebecca smiled. Her mother hated soap operas.
“I love her anyway,” her father said.
“Pshaw. How are you feeling?” Her mother always treaded softly around Rebecca’s depression.
“I’m a little down. One of my patients died in hospital today. Just fifty-three.”
“I’m so sorry. What from?”
“She had a stroke. I thought she’d pull through. I wasn’t there when it happened.”
“Shouldn’t blame yourself, dear. You’re not God.”
Rebecca smiled. Her mother was trying to make her feel better, but inadvertently underscored a doctor’s arrogance. “You still believe in God?”
A moment of hesitation. “Most of the time.”
“If anyone cares, I still believe in God.” Her father. “He’s got a long white beard and lives on a mountain in Israel. He looks like Charlton Heston.”
“Ignore him. He’s in one of his silly moods.”
Rebecca didn’t remember when he wasn’t. Which was fine by her.
“I want to make my brilliant girl smile.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“Did you have dinner?” her mother asked.
“Yitz’s matzo balls aren’t as good as yours.”
“Now you’re making me feel guilty.”
“You should be proud, Flo, you passed on a Jewish skill: how to make your family feel guilty.”
“I don’t want you to feel guilty,” Rebecca said. “I want you to have fun.” It was partly true. She wanted them to enjoy themselves, but she missed them. “You only have another two weeks.”
“Did you speak to Susan?” Her mother’s voice took on an edge.
“Not lately.”
“I’m worried about her.”
“Oh, Flo, you worry too much. She’ll be fine.”
“I told you, Mitch. I haven’t seen her like this before. She’s been pregnant three times and she’s never been like this. What d’you think, Rebecca? Should we worry about your sister?”
Rebecca wondered: did they bring up touchy subjects when they were actually in the same room together, or only on the extension when they called her long-distance?
“Susan’s pretty resilient,” Rebecca said. “Her pregnancy’s progressing normally. She just has to accept that she’s having a fourth child. And she must be tired. Who wouldn’t be?”
When Susan had discovered she was pregnant again, she’d called Rebecca from Montreal and wept into the phone. Her husband was an observant Jew; there was no question of an abortion.
“I was looking forward to saying ‘my daughter the doctor and my daughter the lawyer,’” her father quipped for the hundredth time.
“Don’t ever say that to Susan, Mitch. She’s upset as it is.”
Susan had finally applied for law school after years of waiting, and would have started that fall, but had to ask for a deferral to have the baby. How was she going to have the energy to start the next fall? The baby would be less than a year old and the three boys all under nine.
“I’ll call her tomorrow and see how she is,” Rebecca said.
“Good girl,” said her father.
“Only wait until sundown,” said her mother. “You know they don’t pick up the phone on Saturday.”
Rebecca spent the next hour tackling the clutter in her kitchen. Too many publications arrived automatically on her doorstep because of her obligatory membership in medical organizations: the Canadian Medical Association Journal, the journal of the Royal Society for Physicians and Surgeons, the Ontario Medical Association Review, the Medical Post, and on and on. It was one way to keep up with the constant flow of medical developments, but her house was filled with paper. All she could do was stack the journals on the bookshelf until they became outdated.
In fact, she had signed up for a day of lectures on Saturday, an update for general practitioners sponsored by a few drug companies. She unfolded the brochure and read off the list of titles: a new maintenance treatment in asthma; new procedures in obstetrics and gynecology; updates for treatment of depression and anxiety; new medications in pain management; developments in pediatrics.
In the middle of the centre page was a black and white photo of a man with intelligent eyes and a hint of a smile, his strong chin thrust forward. Dr. Mustafa Salim, Chairman of Hassan Pharmaceuticals. He was a special guest visiting from Egypt, apparently, where the founder of his company was a medical advisor to the government. A few days ago she had picked up the University of Toronto Bulletin near the coffee wagon in the hospital and found the same picture of Dr. Salim. He was giving several more lectures next week on pain medication research, one in the pharmacy building, one at the U of T bookstore: “New Investment in Egypt after the Peace Accord.”
Then the phone rang. Nesha. Her heart lifted. He would be the only one calling after ten in the evening. San Francisco was three hours behind. He called on the weekends that he didn’t fly in. She picked up the receiver.
“Rebecca?”
She smiled at the lilting sound of her name in his mouth. It suggested so many things: his lips on her neck, her leg wrapped around his, their bodies arching toward each other.
“Rebecca, is that you?”
“Sorry, I was preoccupied.” She couldn’t tell him his voice had transported her to the bedroom.
“Preoccupied with what?”
She looked down at the brochure. “Oh. Um, I’m going to some lectures tomorrow and they’ve snagged an interesting guest speaker for the luncheon. He’s Egyptian. You follow Middle East affairs more than I do. He seems to be doing a lecture circuit. Something about promoting investment in Egypt after the peace accord with Israel.”
“Investment in Egypt! That’s a laugh. Sadat may be working on peace, but the radical elements in his country won’t just sit by. Ever heard of the Muslim Brotherhood?”
“No.”
He paused. “Never mind. How are you?”
“Fine.” Could he tell she was barely fine? “Who’re the Muslim Brotherhood?”
“You sure you want to know this? They’re a grassroots organization that puts out the equivalent of soup kitchens in Egypt. Sort of like the Salvation Army here. Except that the Salvation Army wants you to believe in Jesus and love your neighbour, while the Muslim Brotherhood wants you to kill your neighbour. They assassinated the Egyptian prime minister in the fifties because he was too tight with the British.”
“Why do you know so much about Egypt?”
“The Middle East interests me. So much potential and so little progress.
Long ago, Muslims were an advanced civilization. Inventive, tolerant. But they’ve been going backwards for centuries. When Jews were dying in pogroms in Poland and Russia in the 1800s, they realized they needed a homeland like everybody else. They wanted the tiny part of the desert that was theirs nearly two thousand years ago. But the Arabs didn’t want them taking even a fraction of their desert, like there wasn’t enough of it. Nothing’s changed. They’ve taken over from the Nazis.”
Nesha had seen his family murdered by the Nazis. He was sensitive about Jewish survival.
“None of the Arab countries are stable enough for investment,” he said. “I wouldn’t give them a penny.”
“Don’t worry. I’m not looking to invest. I’m just trying to learn some new medicine.”
“Didn’t mean to bend your ear. You’re a conscientious doctor, keeping up like that. My hat’s off to you.”
“You don’t wear a hat.”
“I wore a baseball hat the first time we met.”
“An aberration. I’ve never seen you in one since.”
“I’m wearing one right now.”
“No, you’re not. What colour is it?”
“You don’t know everything about me, you know.”
“Well, I’d like to know everything about you.”
“Well, I’d like to be there holding you in my arms right now.”
“So what’s stopping you?” she said, picturing his bow-shaped mouth close to the phone.
chapter two
Frederika
Berlin, September 1927
Frieda always knew it would come to this: bored to distraction, she stands in the dank factory over some operator whose thin fingers fly, feeding the fabric under the sewing machine needle. The affixed lamp steals a circle of light from the gloom. All the machines float in circles of light in the murk of the windowless workroom.
Frieda pretends to pay attention while her cousin, Greta, sews together the seams of yet another white shirt, her small, steady feet working the treadle. The heat from the warm September afternoon settles in the air around them like a cloud. The other machines whine and clatter, their din adding up to a noise Frieda thinks will make them all deaf before their time. She has read about the structure of the ear, the delicate hair cells within the cochlea, a tiny organ coiled upon itself like a snail shell. Sound is dependent on these hair cells, and the cells are fragile. In all her reading she is astounded to learn how vulnerable and dependent each part of the body is upon the others. And how fraught with danger life can be, depending on what traits one inherits and what century one is born into. And the state of the finances of one’s family.
Rebecca Temple Mysteries 3-Book Bundle Page 59
