“You don’t want my caring?”
“Caring isn’t a substitute for love.”
“Fine. I understand. You’re not willing to settle for less than what you want. I’m not willing to go the lengths you want me to.”
A large lump clogged her throat. She took a step back. “That’s right. See you later.” With a turn, she resumed her walk.
“You’ve put a spell on me lady.” His muttered words barely reached her ears.
She knew he watched her all the way down her block.
* * *
“SANDRA, I WANT TO SEE the kids over Christmas. Either they come here or I go there. Which will it be?”
“Peter, they really need the structure of a family at this time,” she hedged, pretending to be reasonable. “Besides, Cynthia has a piano recital and is all involved in a church play. And Ian has gym practice every day after school to prepare for basketball tryouts.”
“I don’t care. I want to see them.”
“You’re supposed to see them for a month over the summer, too. Isn’t that enough to fit into your busy schedule? Except for special occasions, you hardly had time to turn around and notice your family when we were all living together. You spent more time with the homeless than you did with us.” Her voice was bitter with the memory. “Why the sudden interest in being with them, now that we’ve moved away?”
“Which will it be?” he persisted, ignoring the vein of truth in her accusation.
“Troy won’t like it...” she began.
“To hell with Troy. He’s not my children’s father—I am. He knew that when you two met and were carrying on behind my back. He knew that when he married you the day after our divorce was final.”
“Peter...”
“The law states I have visitation rights, Sandra. Or would you rather I go back to court and fight you on this? I can drag as much dirt into it as you want me to.”
She gave a heavy sigh, and he could imagine the look that must be on her face—long-suffering and drawn as if in pain. “Fine, Peter. You may spend Christmas with the children. Here in California.”
“Gee, thanks, Sandra. What a wonderful gesture.” His voice was leaden with sarcasm, but inside he felt triumphant. “Have a wonderful week. I’ll call you from the airport. Meantime, give the kids my love and tell them I’ll see them soon.”
This time, hanging up the receiver gave him a sense of satisfaction. He had won, but the feeling of triumph quickly ebbed and a wave of loneliness washed over him.
7
CARLY WAS TRYING TO CATCH up on all her paperwork. Thanksgiving was approaching and she couldn’t wait. She needed the long weekend to recuperate from the hectic pace of teaching, parenting and socializing. It would also give her a little more time with her daughter.
Earlier this evening, Karen had dragged her to a local baseball game, then to a pizza parlor for dinner before the child had dropped, exhausted, into bed. Carly forced herself to sift through the stack of papers she hadn’t graded yet.
Aunt Nora appeared at the door, took one look at her and decided what her niece needed was a good hot cup of tea. Obviously determined to keep her company, Nora placed the tray on a stack of tests and, giving a bright smile, sat in the cozy Morris chair that took up a corner of Carly’s small living area. With an inaudible sigh, Carly realized this might be a long visit.
“We never get to talk anymore, sweetie. How is school?”
Carly forced herself to lean back and indulge her aunt for a little while. “School is fine, considering that half the students wish they had the nerve to be delinquents, while the other half already are.”
“My, my, dear. I had no idea. In my day, things were so different. No one would dream of doing anything illegal. Now it seems to be so common!”
“It looks that way, I know. But that’s not really the case, Aunt Nora, at least not where I teach. I’m just complaining for the heck of it.”
Her aunt looked a little relieved. “Oh. Well, that’s good, dear. And what about your personal life?” The older woman continued before Carly could answer. “If you remember, one of the reasons you moved here was so you could get out a little more. You know, have some kind of social life for yourself.”
“My personal life is fine, auntie. I date on occasion and I have plenty of time for Karen. It’s perfect,” Carly soothed. “And I really don’t want any more blind dates.”
“Of course not, dear.” Nora perked up and an innocent expression came over her sweetly lined face. “And how is that handsome young man, Peter Cade? We haven’t seen him since that night you met the vice president.”
“He’s just fine,” Carly managed to say with a straight face. She reached for her tea and took a sip. So this was the real reason behind this chat. Her aunts had decided their curiosity needed to be fed. “We’ve attended several banquets together but he’s always been caught downtown and sent a car for me, instead.”
“Are you enjoying his company? Your Aunt Cora was concerned about that, you know.” Nora leaned forward and dropped her voice to a whisper. “She was worried that we might not have done the right thing by introducing you to him. Neither of us would ever sanction him not being a gentleman in every way.”
The thought of his kiss under the streetlamp came to mind, followed by images of their lovemaking on his crisp white sheets by the light of the moon. Her mouth went dry at the memory. “He’s a gentleman, Aunt Nora.”
“When do you see him again?”
Carly pretended to think about it, although she knew exactly when their next meeting was. Every thought was attached to that event, every tremor of her heart in anticipation of it. She’d even thought of canceling because she knew it was best for both of them. But she couldn’t. “Sunday afternoon. We’re attending a tea.”
“How nice, dear. If you’re late, Cora and I will be here when Ken drops Karen off.”
“Thank you, I’d appreciate that.”
Nora stood and smoothed down the front of her dress. “No trouble at all. You know we adore that daughter of yours. She makes me remember my own youth.” The older woman’s gaze drifted off to another time. “Daddy was always so proud of us, don’t you know. He used to say he couldn’t wait to get home to see his girls.”
Carly placed her cup on the tray. As if to brush away old memories, her aunt shook her head. She readied the tray to take back to the kitchen.
“You were very lucky, Aunt Nora,” Carly said.
Her aunt’s smile slipped slightly. “I know. Cora and I say that at least once a week. But we’re the only ones left, you know. It’s hard to realize your parents and siblings are all gone and you’re the only ones here to remember. If it weren’t for you and your darling one, why, we’d feel positively lonely!”
Carly was touched. She leaned forward and placed a kiss on her aunt’s cheek. “Whether we’re here or somewhere else, aunt, we’re still relatives.”
Nora chuckled and reached for the tray. “I know, it’s just nice to get to know you this way. The house is so big with just the two of us rattling around. We could put four more people in here and there would still be plenty of room....”
“Are you thinking of bringing in another boarder?”
“No, of course not.” She looked a little sheepish. “It was that sister of mine who brought it up. But, it was just a thought. You know, kinda like those Golden Girls on TV. They all get to sit in the kitchen and gab away to each other in the evenings.”
It was true, her aunts were always ready for a good conversation, especially if it was accompanied by a slice of cheesecake. And they both loved company. Although Carly lived with them, she was seldom downstairs, preferring the quiet of her own little niche off the bedroom. “They do make it look like fun, don’t they?”
“Yes, but that’s not the real world, is it, dear?” Her aunt turned to leave. “But still, it does look enjoyable.”
Carly’s conscience pricked her. She hadn’t been the best company since she’d met Pete, and
maybe her aunts needed more. “Perhaps you ought to think about one of your friends moving in. As you say, there’s plenty of room.”
“We’ll see.” The older woman peered through her bifocals. “I’ll leave you alone for a while so you can get your work done. Sleep well, honey.”
“You, too,” Carly replied, forcing herself to turn back to the stack of paperwork.
For the next fifteen minutes she pretended she was working on the papers in front of her instead of wondering what Pete was up to and who he was with.
But it did no good. Instead, after several halfhearted attempts to finish her grading, she gave up. Picking up the remote control, Carly turned on the TV just in time to see the nightly news.
After a commercial break, Carly was surprised to see Pete’s face flash on the screen. His smile was charming and beguiling as the announcer droned on about a gala at the Russian embassy. Her surprise quickly turned to hurt when the camera pulled back to reveal a petite, beautiful woman on Pete’s arm, gazing up at him adoringly.
Another woman. How many more were there in his life?
An ache began in the area of her heart, expanding until she thought her breast was on fire. It was no secret that Pete dated other women but, with the exception of the woman he’d introduced her to the night of her blind date, his women had always been nebulous beings without a face or figure. She had imagined none of them with the looks and style and panache of the woman who was on his arm this night. Like nothing else, the camera brought home just how much he got around. She loved him with all her heart, but this revelation reinforced the futility of it.
Granted, Pete had wanted her in his bed and he’d made no bones about it. But how many had followed in her footsteps? How many had been before her? It was amazing that previously she hadn’t thought about it. But now, with the flick of a TV switch, she couldn’t forget it.
Tears streamed down her face as she stared at the screen. “Damn you, Pete Cade, for making me fall in love with you. Damn you!”
It wasn’t her fault, her logical side told her. But she wasn’t in the mood for logic. Logic was something that worked without the burden of emotions. She was beyond that. Emotions were all she had these days.
Her mind slithered here and there as she tried to calm down. She paced the room, needing action. As she strode back and forth, her mind continued to race. What could she do? What would ever persuade Pete to care only for her?
She knew he didn’t love her, but he’d told her he cared. How much, though? Enough to be faithful? Enough to date only her? Enough to love her? Enough to love? That was the question uppermost in her mind.
She had only two choices. She could either force herself to walk away from Pete and never see him again, accepting that he would never change. Or, she could try to make him fall in love enough to marry and have children with her.
If she walked away, she wouldn’t have to worry about any more heartache than she suffered now. What was it fitness freaks said? No pain, no gain? Obviously, she was already hurting like the devil.
If she tried to make him fall in love with her and lost, she wouldn’t be any worse off. And she would at least know that she’d given it her best.
If she didn’t try she’d still be hurting but would have the added burden of always wondering what might have happened if she’d taken a chance.
Finally, with an exhaustion that permeated her very being, she walked into the bedroom and stripped off her clothes. After a few minutes in bed, her pillow was stained with tears. But by the time she fell asleep, a small smile had appeared on her lips. At least she knew what she had to do.
* * *
PETE PICKED CARLY up in his Mercedes just a little after lunchtime on Sunday. He was dressed impeccably, as usual, and she couldn’t help the surge of pride that filled her as he walked her to his car and opened the door for her.
Once they were on their way down the freeway, she turned casually and placed her hand on his arm to gain his attention. “Do you remember the discussion we had on my being in your bed?”
The muscles of his silk-clad arm tensed. “Vividly. You said no.”
“Well,” she said slowly. “I’ve changed my mind.”
He darted a quick look at her. “You have?”
“Yes, with a few conditions.”
She saw his jaw tighten.
“Don’t worry, I’m not talking about marriage.”
“What conditions, then?”
“As long as we’re together, you must remain faithful to me only. No other women in your life.”
“That’s demanding.”
“That’s safe,” she corrected. “I don’t have any control over who you’ve been to bed with in the past but I’d like to reduce the risk in the present. I don’t think it’s asking too much in this day and age.”
Pete was silent for a moment, then nodded. “Done. Although I would like to assure you that I’ve always been careful in the past. But, yes, I agree.”
She’d been holding her breath as she waited for the answer. Now it had whooshed out. One down, one to go. “So far, our dates have involved going where you want to go. On occasion, I would like us to do what I want to do, which may sometimes include my daughter.”
“I’m not a father substitute, Carly.” His voice grew testy, distant. “I thought I’d explained that.”
“You did. But I’m a mother first. If I’m supposed to take time and energy away from my family and give it to you, I need to know that occasionally you’ll do the same for me and be an escort to me and Karen.”
She could have reminded him that her daughter already had a loving father and didn’t need a substitute. She could also have brought up the fact that Pete certainly needed Karen around far more than Karen needed Pete. But now wasn’t the time.
“Do I get the right of veto?”
She nodded. “Of course. If you have something else you have to do, I’ll understand. As long as you don’t consistently ignore this side of the bargain.”
“And you will want to be in my bed?” he persisted.
“Yes.”
“Because that’s where you want to be or because you think it’s the right place to be?”
“Both.” She smiled. “But especially the former.”
His features lost their tension, resuming the gentle, teasing expression she loved so much. “What? An honest woman?”
“I always try to be, Pete. I’m asking you to be the same.”
“When does this arrangement start?”
She feigned nonchalance. “Whenever.”
“Today?”
Her heart skipped a beat. But there would be no time to take advantage of their new arrangement. The afternoon tea they were attending wouldn’t be over until five. “I have to be at a baseball game by six this evening.”
Pete steered the car onto an off-ramp and slipped onto the frontage road. He reached the top of the hill that bridged the freeway below and turned, retracing the road back home. At the same time, he punched a phone number into his car phone.
“What are you doing?”
“Making our apologies for not attending the tea.”
“Why?”
“Because we’re going back to my place. I’m not wasting a single moment of this afternoon with you at a tea party when I can have you in my arms.”
Carly smiled. “Thank you for that,” she murmured, leaning back in the leather seat and watching him drive toward home. She felt a coil of anticipation wind its way around her heart, but forced herself to relax. He didn’t have to know just how much she wanted—no, needed—to be with him.
She listened to him make his excuses to the hostess while driving skillfully with one hand. When they reached the cutoff, he dropped the phone back in place and reached for her hand, placing it in his lap.
“Talk to me.” His voice barked the words as if they were an order.
“I’ve almost finished grading papers,” she said in a soft, teasing voice.
“That’s no
t what I wanted to hear.”
“Really?” She acted innocent, but the slanted look she gave him said more than she could convey in words. “What was it that you wanted me to say? Coach me and maybe I’ll get it right the next time.”
“Tell me you want me.”
“I want you.”
“Tell me why.”
He wasn’t going to settle for rote answers. She wasn’t sure she could give him anything else.
“Tell me,” he said again.
“I want a repeat of the same feelings we shared the other night.”
She felt him stiffen in retreat. “I know what my feelings were, darlin’. But what were yours?”
Carly remembered after they’d made love, when he’d held her in his arms and she could breathe in the scent of him. It had felt so peaceful, so very wonderful. “Satisfaction.” Simple, direct and to the point. Let him make of it what he wanted.
He stretched his fingers on the wheel. “That’s it? Satisfaction?”
“Isn’t that enough? What do you want me to say? What are you trying to get at?”
“I’m not husband material, Carly. Don’t try to pressure me into that position.”
“Heaven forbid,” she stated dryly. “I am asking for you to treat me as an equal, however. If you expect me to give up time, then you have to expect me to demand communal time to spend with my daughter. Everything seeks its own equal, Pete. Women and relationships are no exception.”
His gaze darted to her, then back to the road. “You’re sure about this? You won’t change your mind?”
She nodded. “I’m sure. The only rule that truly matters is that my daughter will always come first with me. Her life, her choices, her activities are all an integral part of my life. If you don’t think you can manage that or fit us into your schedule, then please turn the car around and we’ll head back to the tea party.”
His rueful grin was slow in coming. “You think you’ve got me over a barrel, don’t you?”
It was her turn to relax. The hard part was over. “No, but I am in a position to make you choose.”
The Twelve Gifts of Christmas Page 9
