by Joanne Rock
“Is that why you told my mother that we’ll never be more than just friends?” The last snippet of conversation he’d heard returned to chastise him.
Sucker punch him.
“It’s what you’ve been telling me from the very beginning.” She toyed with her keys, flipping one back and forth on the ring, a nervous movement. “I simply tried to be honest with your mom before she got excited seeing us as a couple.”
He deserved that kind of kick to the stomach. He’d set himself up for it, making sure Abigail knew he couldn’t play a bigger role in her life, but wanting more anyway.
“I would still call us more than friends.” When he thought about everything he’d shared with this incredible woman, he knew she was much more to him than a mere word like friend could ever express.
Her hand fisted around her keys, her jaw tensing. “Which is why you introduced me as the artist to your parents.” She straightened, taking a step back. “At least I labeled us friends as opposed to implying we were merely professionals who briefly worked in the same building.”
“That’s not fair.” His pulse quickened, and he sensed her pulling away. He wasn’t ready for that. Especially when he needed to keep her safe while Rich was still on the loose. “I purposely tried to keep the introductions light so I didn’t put you on the spot. We hadn’t talked about how to deal with situations like that. I didn’t want to make assumptions about what you would prefer, so I erred on the side of being less personal.”
She closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, she met his gaze head-on, her expression serious.
“So you were protecting me.” She nodded. “I can accept that, and thank you for it even. But it doesn’t change the fact that my life is about to get very complicated. I can’t afford to have feelings for someone who isn’t ready to be a part of that.”
A shout went up from the dance floor as the band announced a popular line dance starting. Even in tuxedos and evening gowns, a group of partygoers responded to the call.
“A baby is not a complication.” His gaze dropped to the small swell of her pregnancy. He recalled the thought that crossed his mind when he’d introduced her to his parents. That he wished he could claim both Abigail and her child as his own. “You’re going to be an incredible mother.”
Her smile was shaky. Sad. “That doesn’t change the fact that you don’t want to be a part of this.”
“How can I be when I can barely sleep through the night on my own? I’m a grown man limping through life with the help of a dog. Working tirelessly because I feel my professional skills are all I have to offer anyone.”
Frowning, Abigail reached out to lay a hand on his chest. “That’s not true.”
“Every word of it is accurate.” He wouldn’t lie to her and he refused to lie to himself. “And it’s not that I don’t want to be a part of your life, Abigail. I just won’t be the dark cloud hanging over you when you’re ready for a vibrant, happy future.”
He thought about her artwork and the way people loved it because of her perspective. Part of that perspective was optimism. Joy. Her world was a place where fairies and forest creatures hid in the trees, waiting to be found. His world was a place that made him afraid to fall asleep.
“I can’t make you take a gamble on us if you’re not ready to.” Straightening, she let her hand fall away from where she’d touched him. “I had hoped you might attend the baby’s ultrasound appointment next week and be there when I find out the gender.” She caught her lip between her teeth. “But I understand you’re struggling with other things. And I don’t want to cause you more stress.”
“That’s...” He couldn’t even express how much that meant to him. That she’d wanted him there.
Too bad he’d already told her how much of a deficit he would be in her life.
“It’s all right.” She backed up a step. “You don’t have to explain. I’m going to head out now.”
He read between the lines.
Heard her saying goodbye to him loud and clear.
“I’m sorry, Abigail.”
“So am I, Vaughn. More than you know.”
Twelve
We want to be there with you.
On the morning of her ultrasound appointment, Abigail sat in the exam room in her cotton gown and reread the text Vaughn had sent her after the hospital summer gala. The text had a photo attached of him and Ruby. When she’d left the party that night—left him—her heart had felt like it was cracking in a thousand pieces. Spider cracks in every direction, like tempered glass before it falls apart.
And then his message had arrived, asking to be a part of this very big next step in her pregnancy. In her future.
The words made her smile now as she pulled the note up on her phone. She clicked on the photo of him and Ruby to enlarge it, a man-and-dog selfie of the two of them sitting in the spare bedroom, where she’d slept the night she went to Vaughn’s house. The photo touched her in a million ways. Made her think she was missed. Gave her hope that Vaughn was ready to tackle his PTSD even more aggressively since he’d been reluctant to bring Ruby into his workplace before now.
Because her ultrasound was in the medical arts wing of Royal Memorial, close to Vaughn’s office, surely his colleagues would see him with Ruby today, even though he’d traded shifts with another surgeon in order to be here. He’d texted her he was on his way a few moments earlier. As she waited in the exam room, she wondered who would walk through the door first. The ultrasound technician, or Vaughn and Ruby.
When a quick knock sounded, she set aside her phone.
“Come in.” She’d been left alone to change, but the technician—Leslie—had given her more than enough time to slip off her dress and put on the hospital gown.
“All set?” Leslie asked, stepping into the room.
“I’m ready.” Abigail’s heart sank for a moment, however, her eyes greedy for a sight of Vaughn.
“That’s good, because you have a hospital celebrity joining us today.” Leslie held the door open wide, admitting the sexy doctor Abigail had been hoping to see.
Ruby’s nails clicked softly on the floor as she entered the room with Vaughn, who was dressed in street clothes. Dark pants and a fitted blue polo shirt. Abigail’s breath caught just seeing him. He had an undeniable physical effect on her. She couldn’t have pulled her gaze away from him if she tried.
“Thank you for letting us be here,” Vaughn said quietly as her bent to kiss her cheek, his fingers lingering on her face for an extra few moments.
“It’s good to see you. Both.” Her skin tingled pleasantly where he touched her, a shiver tripping down her spine.
“We missed you.” His eyes held hers while the technician logged in to her machine.
“I’m ready when you are, Miss Abigail,” Leslie called to her. “Doctor Chambers, bring whatever chair is more comfortable for you.”
Excited and oddly nervous, Abigail laid down on the table, then Leslie quickly covered her legs with one blanket and gave her a second if she wanted it for her breasts. After sliding her gown open, the technician squeezed the gel on Abigail’s stomach to help her slide the wand for a good picture.
Vaughn leaned over to grasp her hand, his expression serious. Was he nervous, too? She thought her anxiety came from not knowing what her future held with a man she was falling for. Did his presence here mean he wanted to have a role in her life and the life of her child? But she wasn’t sure why Vaughn appeared so...stoic. Quiet.
Perhaps bringing the dog into the hospital had already opened him up to comments and questions from Royal Memorial staffers before he even set foot in the exam room. But she was just guessing, unsure of so many things when it came to Vaughn.
The ultrasound screen lit up with images of the tiny life inside her, drawing her attention away from the worries to focus on the joys.
“
Here we go,” Leslie said cheerily, using the wand to hover over different parts of Abigail’s belly as she pointed out parts of the baby. “Smile and wave for the camera, little one.”
“Can you tell the sex?” Abigail asked, marveling over the images on the display monitor that would give her a video file afterward. “I’m hoping we’ll know this time.”
“I like to be really sure before I say anything.” Leslie smiled, moving over and over one small spot on Abigail’s stomach. “But by now, I feel certain.” She glanced over at Abigail. “It’s a girl.”
A little girl. The words made happy tears fill Abigail’s eyes. A lump formed in her throat as she looked toward Vaughn, wanting to share the moment.
He stared at the monitor, eyes narrowed. Worry etched between his eyebrows. Ruby leaned heavily against his side, far more in tune with her handler’s moods than Abigail had been.
“Vaughn?” she said uncertainly. “I’m so excited.”
His face cleared, but it seemed as though it took some effort on his part. He rubbed her arm. “Me, too.” He swallowed. Scavenged a ghost of a smile. “That’s incredible news.”
Something was bothering him, though. And it upset Abigail that she didn’t know what, but she tried to let it go and just enjoy the moment. She closed her eyes, listening to the sound of her heart beating over the monitor and the click of the technician’s fingers on the keyboard as she zoomed in on various parts of Abigail’s baby. The antiseptic scent of the paper-covered exam table distracted her, and she opened her eyes with a start, her senses sharpening rather than relaxing. She couldn’t shake the sensation that Vaughn wasn’t fully present with her on this important day.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, needing him to be supportive or...to not be here at all. She’d really thought they’d moved past this and he was looking forward to being a part of today with her.
He didn’t answer. He moved around the bed and approached the display monitor, as if to take a closer view. To Leslie, he asked, “Can you go back here for a second?” He gestured to a point to the left of the center.
Worry stirred inside her.
Real worry.
Ruby must have felt it, too, because the dog lifted her head away from Vaughn’s thigh long enough to nuzzle Abigail’s calf for a moment. A nuzzle of comfort.
Was this the way Vaughn felt when the golden retriever pressed herself to him? She couldn’t imagine feeling this kind of anxiety all the time. Through her own fears, she couldn’t deny a pang of renewed empathy for Vaughn.
The ultrasound technician circled the same spot over and over as both of the medical professionals in the room leaned closer to the screen, freaking Abigail out.
“Excuse me for just one second, okay?” Leslie stood, already moving toward the door. “I’m going to have our radiologist join us so she can give you the official reading.”
Leslie patted Abigail’s calf on her way past the bed, too. An absent gesture, imparting more comfort. Something wasn’t right with her baby. She could feel it.
“Vaughn, is my baby okay?” Fear clogged her throat. She stared at the screen, willing her eyes to find whatever it was that they were seeing.
“This is a long way from my field of expertise.” He shook his head, deflecting what should have been an easy question. “The radiologist will tell us more.”
Vaughn looked pale. Distressed. His eyebrows knit.
“More about what?” Levering up on her elbows, she felt truly scared.
She had already lost her sister. She couldn’t possibly lose her baby girl, too.
Vaughn’s green eyes turned to meet hers. Serious. Unwavering. “I don’t know. But if anything is wrong, you will have the best care in the world. I promise.”
He gripped her hand in his, his assurance helping her to catch her breath even as it reinforced her fears. What was wrong?
When the radiologist stepped into the room, tucking a pen into the pocket of her lab coat, the specialist’s eyes went briefly to Ruby in her service vest before glancing up at Vaughn and Abigail.
“Dr. Chambers.” The woman—Dr. Oma, according to her badge—nodded at him as she took a seat in front of the ultrasound display and rolled the chair up to the work station. “Miss Stewart, I’m going to take a few more photos,” she announced, moving the wand over Abigail’s belly again. “I ran into your OB in the hall since he delivered a baby this morning, and I was able to consult with him briefly.”
“Is he coming in?” Abigail wanted someone, anyone, to give her answers about what was happening.
Vaughn remained by the head of the bed with Ruby, his hand on Abigail’s shoulder as he studied the screen behind the radiologist.
“Dr. Prevardi asked me to have Doctor Troy Hutchinson join us instead. If he has time.” The ultrasound wand moved back and forth, pressing. The machine paused frequently for screen captures, zooming in on parts of Abigail’s baby she couldn’t possibly identify without someone explaining what she was seeing.
Beside Abigail, she heard Vaughn’s sharp intake of breath.
“Who is he?” Abigail’s eyes went from Vaughn to the radiologist.
“Dr. Hutchinson specializes in maternal-fetal medicine.” Dr. Oma turned the display monitor toward Vaughn and Abigail. “We want to get his take on this.” She circled a spot with her finger—dark blobs on the screen as far as Abigail could tell. “It’s a small abnormality in the kidneys and we want to either rule out a problem or address it if there is one.”
The radiologist continued to speak. Abigail knew because the woman’s mouth moved, but the blood rushed in her ears so loudly that it drowned out everything else. Her brain couldn’t process the news.
There was an abnormality in her baby. Her beautiful little girl might have something wrong with her.
Abigail felt like she was being sucked down a tunnel, a dark swirl of fears that blocked out everything else. By the time the specialist, Dr. Hutchinson, strode into the room, she was a mess.
She’d never been so grateful for Vaughn’s presence, since he spoke the same language as the rest of the room, giving her the option of closing her eyes for some of the discussion about monitoring the defect. She swiped at the tears leaking down the side of her cheeks. Tears that Ruby must have noticed because she laid her doggy head right by Abigail’s shoulder, her dark brown eyes filled with concern.
Later, when Abigail had calmed down some, she would ask Vaughn for his perspective on everything that happened today. He would give her an idea of how worried she ought to be. For now, she held his hand tight while Dr. Hutchinson promised to run more tests and get back to her soon.
* * *
Fixing Abigail something to eat back at her house that afternoon, Vaughn acknowledged he had overestimated himself. Overestimated how much he could change in order to be with Abigail.
Still reeling from the ultrasound appointment, he knew he hadn’t been the steadying presence she deserved. Knew he’d failed her when she needed him to be strong. But the news that something might be wrong with her baby had wrecked all his defenses. He wasn’t ready to be the man she needed and deserved in her life.
He recognized it as soon as he’d seen the tiny shadow on the ultrasound screen. His failure ate away at him now as he peeled a cucumber to add to the salad he was making for her. Ruby stalked back and forth between the living room, where Abigail rested on the couch, and the kitchen, where Vaughn prepared a light meal.
This morning he had felt a connection to the life inside of Abigail. And he had wanted to be there for her today. That text he’d sent her after the gala came after a lot of soul-searching. He didn’t want to be without her. But already, he could see how short of the mark he was falling as a partner. In the exam room, he’d been more than rattled—he’d been afraid he would shut down on her completely, retreat from her emotionally at a time when she needed more support than ever.
>
If Ruby hadn’t been there, keeping him focused and engaged, he might not have gotten through the strained meeting with Hutch. The news that Abigail’s baby might have a serious health defect terrified him.
Drying his hand on a dish towel, he tossed the vegetable peels in the trash and set the salad on a tray with flatware and a drink for her. He wanted her to rest and had insisted on driving her home, knowing she was in no shape to drive herself after that scare.
She was rightfully upset.
Vaughn would have Micah bring her car home from the hospital for her. Make sure she had everything she needed. Hell, he’d do anything she wanted to be sure she was safe and cared for during her pregnancy. Especially since Rich Lowell was still out there.
But Vaughn could no longer fool himself that he was doing her or her child any good by sticking around. The darkness inside him wasn’t going away.
It would hound him for the rest of his life.
He’d felt it roar to the surface as soon as he’d seen the abnormality on the ultrasound display, his fears so strong he’d been afraid to share his concerns with Abigail, knowing he might overstate the need for further testing. Hutch had handled the news well, remaining positive at all times before making a date to see Abigail again.
That was a good thing. Vaughn was ready to admit her and monitor her 24/7. Not because the baby’s issue was so severe. But because he couldn’t fathom anything ever happening to Abigail or her child.
He would not be the man who dimmed Abigail’s vibrant spirit with his anxiety.
As he entered the living room, Ruby glanced up at him, her tongue lolling out one side of her mouth before she lay down beside Abigail. The dog’s vest was off for the day. She’d already worked hard.
Now, however, another stressful moment was upon them.
Steeling himself for the discussion that had to happen, Vaughn settled the tray of food on the coffee table. He hoped Abigail understood how much this was going to rip out his heart.
