by Kyra Lennon
I shook my head. “No. It was an accident, Ash.”
“That was what she said to me sometimes. It was an accident.”
An accident.
A fucking accident.
This wasn’t an accident. This was violent and cruel.
“But you know, for her, it wasn’t true,” I said quietly.
He nodded. “Yeah. And now I’m in here. I guess I got what I deserved.”
“How? How have you deserved this?” My fingers softly stroked the palm of his hand.
“I… I should have… I shouldn’t have…” He stopped as more choked sobs left him, and I so badly wanted to hug him, but I was scared to. Scared to overstep, scared to frighten him, scared of hurting him. My own tears continued to fall as I waited, and he eventually said, “I didn’t do anything to her, Evie. I know the police are going to think that, because, why else would someone do what she did? But I didn’t do anything to her. I never would have hurt her.”
“I know that. You just… you just have to tell them the truth.”
He gave a single nod, his eyes looking back up to the ceiling. “Thank you for coming. But… you should go home. You shouldn’t have to had come here on Christmas Day and see me like this.”
“I never want to see you like this again, but I’m not going anywhere. Not unless you have me thrown out.”
“You shouldn’t want to be here. I’m nothing to you. I’m nobody.”
“Then why’d you ask for me? If you thought you meant nothing to me, why would you ask for me?”
“Because… you’re the only person I could think of. The only person I know.”
“Look at me, Ash.” He shook his head. “Please.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I know you’re just being nice. You don’t want to be here taking care of some guy you hardly know. I’m sorry. I don’t need to see that in your eyes because I already know.”
He turned his head away again, and I knew at that moment he wouldn’t hear a single word I said. She’d screwed him up so much that he didn’t know what was real anymore, but I still didn’t move. If he wouldn’t hear my words, I’d make him feel my actions. So I sat completely still, my hand still over his, still not gripping.
When his body began to shudder again, I squeezed my eyes closed and I couldn’t recall a time when I’d ever felt so helpless. I wanted to lie beside him and hold him, to try to put his broken pieces back together, but I knew he wouldn’t let me.
So we sat, both of us silently crying. Because as much as he wanted me to go, it would have hurt him more if I left. And as much as I needed to find the words to make him understand that I wanted to be there for him, I knew he wouldn’t let that truth settle in his mind. When his fingers finally curled around mine, my heart beat harder and I gently squeezed his hand. He didn’t need to say the words out loud. I heard him.
I need you.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I whispered. “I promise.”
After a while, I heard his breathing even out, and when I leaned over to look at him, he’d fallen asleep.
With Ash asleep, I took a deep breath, fished my phone from my bag, and stepped outside the room.
There was no way I could leave him. Not yet, anyway. But now I had to make a phone call. An awkward one considering my mum had no idea who the hell Ash was, and no idea why he would be important enough for me to miss Christmas dinner with her.
I hadn't really addressed that part for myself yet, and I definitely wasn't up for analysing it just then. All I knew was I wouldn't leave him alone until they threw me out of the hospital.
I pulled up my mum's number on my mobile and hit dial before I'd worked out what I was even going to say to her. I barely had time to think it through since she answered on the second ring.
"Merry Christmas!" she said brightly.
Her happiness made me smile for a second, before I remembered I was about to let her down.
"Merry Christmas, Mum."
There was a short pause. "Evie, are you okay?"
Letting out a sigh, I said, "No." I began to pace up and down the corridor, my head down, already anticipating the telling off I was about to get. "Something's happened. I got a call first thing this morning about a friend of mine. He was... he was attacked last night, and he's in hospital. His only family is his mum and she lives in Spain, so I was the only person he could think of to call." I paused again, readying myself to say the words. "Mum, I'm so sorry. I know it's Christmas today and you're preparing lunch for us, but... I can't leave him. He's got nobody else and he's in a really bad way."
"Oh, Evie." Tears pricked at my eyes, both at upsetting her and thinking about Ash's injuries again. "Of course you can't leave him. I'm disappointed, of course, but I understand. What a horrible thing to happen on Christmas Eve."
She didn't know the half of it.
"I don't know how long until his mum will arrive, or what time I'll be able to stay here until, but I promise I will come over as soon as I can. I'm so sorry."
I guess she heard the quiver in my voice. "It's okay. But... are you okay?"
Drawing in a ragged breath, I said, "I think so. It was just a shock is all."
That was an understatement.
"May I ask who this friend is?"
No, you may not.
Obviously, I couldn't say that. It wasn't like I had anything to hide, but it was the way it sounded when you looked at it for what it was. Well, I met this guy when I was running out of a gig, and we stayed in touch via social media, and then I went away with him in secret. And by the way, his girlfriend beats him up and, even better, he's only twenty-three.
Yeah.
None of it was as sordid as it sounded, but it made me seem like some lonely old cougar who went around preying on guys with issues.
"His name's Ash," I said. I wasn't sure where to go from there.
"And....?" Mum prompted.
"And... he's a friend."
"Can I ask what happened to put him in hospital?"
Oh, Jesus.
"He has... or had, an abusive girlfriend. She put him here."
There was a long, horribly uncomfortable silence. "Evie, are you sure the two of you are just friends? I mean, did something happen...?"
"No!" I said, a little louder than I meant to, causing a couple of nurses to look my way. I gave them an apologetic grimace before lowering my voice. "No, it's nothing like that. God, Mum. But, even if it was, what she did to him..." I trailed off, shaking my head, even though she couldn't see me. I glanced back into the room through the small window in the door. He was still asleep, thankfully. He needed the rest.
"Well, maybe you can tell me more about it later," Mum said.
"Yeah. Maybe." After another short pause, I said, "I should go. I'll call you when I know what time I'll be leaving."
"Okay, sweetheart. I'll talk to you later."
As we hung up, I sighed again, pocketing my phone.
I hadn't considered the consequences of cancelling on my mum in terms of all the questions I'd be asked. No doubt, Ash would have come up at some point if we'd stayed friends, but this wasn't the ideal way to bring him up for the first time. I wished it was different. Wished everything was different, but it wasn't. It was all messy, and I couldn't see that changing any time soon.
Ash slept for most of the time I was there. When he did wake up, he always turned his head to the left, as if to check I was still there, and when he was happy that I was, he fell right back to sleep. He must have been exhausted, not just from the beating he took, but mentally, too. Trying to somehow process all that had happened was going to take a lot out of him, and the longer he slept, the better equipped he'd be to deal with it all. The police came back to see him briefly, to ask a few more questions. I’d wanted to leave the room when they questioned him about what had happened, but he wouldn’t let me. Having seen his injuries, I really didn’t want to hear how he’d got them. He remained strong whil
e he recounted the disturbing details, and I’d tried hard to do the same. A few tears escaped me here and there, but I managed to keep a grip on myself for the most part. The police let Ash know that his girlfriend was still at the station and was 'co-operating'. The mention of her caused his whole body to start shaking, but once he was satisfied that she wouldn't be able to get anywhere near him, he calmed down again.
I was eventually asked to leave by the nurses at four that afternoon, and by then, I was tired too. It had been a long day spent worrying and trying to not overthink.
When I had to go, he was still asleep, and I asked the nurse if I could have a few minutes to say goodbye. She agreed, giving me a kind smile, and when she left the room, I reached over and gently swept Ash's hair from his forehead, careful not to touch any of his bruises. I didn't want to wake him, but if I just left, I knew how he'd feel. Lonely. Abandoned. I couldn't and wouldn't allow it.
"Ash," I whispered, lightly touching his hand and stroking my thumb along the back of it.
After a second, he stirred and his eyelids fluttered open. When his gaze fixed on me, he said, "Sorry."
I tilted my head to the side. "What for?"
His voice was croaky when he spoke again. "I asked you to come here and all I've done is sleep. I'm sorry I ruined your Christmas."
"You didn't," I told him, making sure to look him in the eye so he really understood. "I wouldn't have left you. But... I do have to go now. Visiting hours are over, and I have to go and see my mum."
Ash nodded slowly. "Sure. I've kept you here long enough."
"You didn't keep me. I could have left any time, but I wanted to stay."
He gave me a small smile, wincing as the movement pulled at his cuts. "Well, thank you. For coming and for staying."
A slight darkness crossed his eyes, something that resembled fear or uncertainty, and I said, "I'll be back tomorrow. As soon as they'll let me in."
"You don't have to." He shook his head, looking away from me for a second. It was like he knew I'd sensed his worries and he somehow felt guilty for expressing them. My heart twinged again.
What the hell had that evil witch put him through that he was even scared of his own facial expressions?
"Ash, I will be here every day until you get out of here if you want me to be."
Slowly, he nodded. "Evie, I do appreciate you being here."
"I know."
With a sigh, he said, "It's going to be a long night."
"Do you have your phone here?"
"I think so." He shuffled across, closer to the other side of the bed, letting out a few groans of discomfort as he did, and reached into the small cabinet beside his bed. There was a shelf, and as he pulled his hand out, his phone was in it.
"Pass it to me," I said, and he did. "I'm putting my number in here. I know you won't have your charger here so you'll need to be careful with the battery, but if you want to text me anytime, you can." Once I'd input my number and noted the make and model of the phone, I smiled. Of course we'd have the same phone. I could add it to the ever-growing list of things we had in common. "I'll bring you a charger tomorrow. I'm sure they'll let you plug it in somewhere."
As I handed his phone back to him, he said, "That's too much. You don't need to."
"Call it a Christmas present," I said with a small grin. "I have a spare one at home, so it's not a problem."
Again, he nodded, still seeming unsure. I wanted to lean over and give him a hug, but I knew that was a move he wasn't ready for, plus, with his injuries, it would have hurt like hell. Instead, I stood up, picking up my bag, but not before giving his hand another squeeze. "I'll see you tomorrow, as soon as they'll let me in."
A flicker of doubt crossed his face. "Are you sure you want to come back?"
"Why wouldn't I, Ash?"
His shoulders rose slightly in an attempt at a shrug. "I'm not your problem."
"You're not a problem at all."
And he really wasn't. Hadn't been from the moment I met him. Whatever signs of vulnerability he'd showed, whatever little glimpses he'd allowed me into his life, I'd somehow tucked away somewhere inside me. Not out of a sense of duty or because I was the only one around, but because I understood how it felt to feel lost and have no idea where to turn.
"Okay," he said after a moment. "I hope you enjoy what's left of today."
"I'll do my best," I told him with another smile. "See you tomorrow."
The last thing I wanted to do was face a barrage of questions, but it was Christmas Day and I couldn't not see my mum. As soon as I got to the hospital entrance, I called her to tell her I was on my way, but she surprised me by saying that she wasn't at home and was at Keely's. Keely had called her and invited her over to spend the afternoon with them so she wasn't on her own the whole day. That made me smile. I'd said I would go back to Keely's later anyway, so this would make things a lot easier, plus, being there would mean I would have more distractions, namely the kids, which eased a little of my dread.
When I arrived at Keely's, in spite of the fact that is was late afternoon, Oscar was still running around the house, high on the festivities, and Daisy was sitting on the floor amongst the masses of toys and wrapping paper that scattered the living room. She beamed when she saw me and Oscar charged at me, wrapping his arms around my legs. The house still smelled like Christmas dinner and my stomach growled. All I’d had all day was a sandwich from the hospital canteen.
I placed the bag I had with my mum's presents in down by the Christmas tree and lifted Oscar up into my arms, giving him a hug as I walked over to my mum. She smiled and stood up to embrace me. "Merry Christmas, sweetheart," she said, and we kissed each other on the cheek.
"Merry Christmas, Mum." Keely came over and took Oscar from me so I could hug my mum properly. "I'm so sorry about today."
"Don't worry about it, my darling," she said, sitting down again. "I've had a lovely afternoon here with everyone, and you're here now."
Knowing she really meant it, I relaxed a little, then reached over for the gift bag and sat down beside her, handing it to her. She smiled and said, "Yours are under the tree."
"I'll get them! I'll get them!" Oscar said, bouncing up and down in Keely's arms, and she put him down so he could pick up the last remaining gift bag down there.
As he dragged it over, Nick walked into the living room and handed me a cup of tea. I let out a long, grateful sigh. Hospital tea was horrid, and having a proper cup in my hands was a huge relief. "Thank you," I told him. "I need this."
Keely and Nick sat down too, and I knew they all wanted to ask questions, but what I wanted to do was sit quietly for a while. I know I'd technically been doing that all day; it wasn't as if Ash had provided much conversation, but there was still always something going on in his hospital room. Doctors and nurses popping in, and the police asking questions, and then when I left the room, worried relatives and busy staff rushing by. It was nice just to be still.
Keely was the first to break the silence. “How is he?”
Blowing out a long breath, I said, “He’s conscious. In a lot of pain.”
“Do you know what happened?”
“Yeah.” I held onto my cup tighter as both anger and stomach-wrenching pain at what Ash had been through rushed through me. I glanced at the kids, who were playing together on the floor. Even though they weren’t listening to the conversation, I still didn’t want to go into the details while they were in the room.
“Tell you what,” Nick said. “I’ll go get the kids into their pyjamas while you talk, then we’ll get you some food and try to salvage some of the day for you.”
I threw him a smile. “That sounds good.”
Silence.
Somehow, even though Evie had only sat quietly beside me all day while I slept, when she was gone, the silence seemed so loud.
It was good of her to stay with me, but I knew she’d only done it because she felt like she had to. I never should have put her in that position, but the nu
rse kept on asking me if there was someone she could call for me. Insisted there must be someone, and Evie was the only person I could think of. I never really thought she’d come.
Never thought she’d stay.
What a fucking mess I was.
Just one friend, one who didn’t really know me. That was all I had left. I’d lost everything.
And I deserved it all.
Asked for it. Just like Natalie had said all those times before.
I should have been stronger. She was right; I was weak. A spineless fucking prick.
My eyes focused on a point on the white ceiling above me, and I let all the memories wash over me. Memories of when I first knew Natalie. The times we’d gone out together, and the fun we’d had. Because we had had fun. We’d gone on dates, and we’d talked. We’d done things that couple do.
When did it all change? When did I start to become the person who made her unhappy?
Somewhere, almost a whisper in the back of my head, I heard a voice telling me I wasn’t the one who’d made her unhappy. She had made me unhappy. I wasn’t sure it was my voice, because my own internal dialogue just kept repeating the same thing over and over.
She was right. You are worthless and this was all your fault.
As I stared up at the blank canvas above me, images played out in front of me like I was re-watching it all on a TV screen.
I saw her, clawing at my face, pulling my hair, punching me all over my body. When I finally gave in, gave up and fell to the floor, she’d used her remaining red stiletto to kick me in the ribs, screaming at me, screaming in general, and then she’d stomped down on me. On my face and my chest and my ribs. I didn’t even try to fight her or turn away.
I had nothing left in me. No fight and no desire to live.
I was almost disappointed when the police barged through the door and dragged her away.
Disappointed because I was still breathing.
I don’t even remember what happened next. Things moved on as if they weren’t happening to me. People talked to me, and I could still hear her screaming hysterically. Had no idea what anyone was saying. I remember a guy was talking to me calmly, trying to get me to speak, but I couldn’t. I didn’t feel like I was part of the real world anymore.
