by Sue Watson
Chapter Thirty
Lucy
Pulling up outside my old house to see Mia feels so weird. I’m really nervous, which is silly – or is it? I’m visiting my former best friend, who’s now in a relationship with my husband. She accused me of being her stalker, took out a restraining order against me and made sure I was convicted of this in court. What could possibly go wrong? I think as I walk up the drive and notice how it’s become rampant with weeds. It’s not like Matt to let the garden go to seed. Then as I knock on the door I notice it’s been a while since anyone scrubbed the doorstep, or cleaned the windows, but then again if Matt’s working Amber won’t do anything – it’ll all just be left.
Amber eventually opens the door and I have to say I’m taken aback. It’s been six months since I last saw her in court. I was expecting total gloss and glamour to greet me – but now she looks terrible. She’s positively emaciated, and older, so much older. I was ready to have my breath taken away by the glamorous TV star, but without the make-up and the hair extensions I can’t believe it’s her.
‘Wow, have you been on a diet? Are you eating enough?’ I say, unable to stop myself.
‘What’s it to you?’ she says, a smile in her eyes. ‘I’ve lost a few pounds. Got to be thin and gorgeous for NYC.’
‘You didn’t look this thin last week on breakfast TV.’
‘Because it was pre-recorded. We filmed it weeks ago,’ she says, clearly put out that I’m not impressed with her weight loss. She walks ahead down my hall, and what I see is this frail woman who looks at least ten years older than she is. I genuinely wonder if she’s developed an eating disorder.
She ushers me in, which is weird, because this is still my house, and the weirdness of this momentarily distracts me from her shocking appearance. We walk into the sitting room and it’s strange yet familiar; the wallpaper Matt and I chose together from Homebase one wet Saturday afternoon is still on the walls and my velvet cushions still adorn our old sofa. Nothing’s changed, yet everything’s changed. The place looks as neglected inside as it did on the outside. Looking at pale, haggard Amber, I’m not surprised the skirting boards need a good clean; she doesn’t look like she has the strength to do anything. She has to move a load of glossy magazines off the sofa before I can sit down and that alone seems to leave her breathless.
‘Are you all right?’ I ask, as I sit down.
She smiles. ‘I’m fine, absolutely fine.’
She’s sitting on the edge of the soft easy chair. It looks huge in contrast to her now tiny frame. Her voice is smaller too – this wasn’t what I expected at all.
‘So you’re off to New York soon,’ I say, taking control of the conversation and wondering why the dynamic between us has changed so dramatically.
‘I was… I am. I’ve postponed it, just for a couple of weeks. I haven’t been feeling too good. It’s great to be wanted, but it’s taking its toll and – did you hear – I’m going to be the English Oprah?’
‘Yeah, Kirsty told me.’
She’s wanted this kind of attention for so long. I imagined she’d thrive on it, and yet it seems to have weakened her. It’s ironic, because in spite of everything, suddenly I’m the one who’s doing exactly what I want, while Amber’s still waiting. My round-the-world flights are booked, the new chapter in my life sorted, yet I’m the criminal who only a matter of weeks ago was on my knees with nothing. Who’s winning now, Amber? Winners and losers, that’s how she always saw us – and I was the loser until now.
We sit in silence. I reject her offer of a cup of tea. I don’t want this to go on for any longer than it needs to and I’m not sure she’d actually make it to the kitchen without collapsing.
‘Amber, I’m off to the passport office later. I have to pack up my flat, put everything in storage. I can’t stay long. Can I see Mia?’ I worry she’s going to take her revenge on me for the painting by suddenly changing her mind about me seeing Mia – that would be torture for me, and she knows it.
She raises her head and looks at me; her eyes are glassy, grey and leaden as storm clouds. She doesn’t say anything. Then she seems to gather herself together, like she suddenly remembers why I’m here.
‘I’ve never really been big on girlfriends, but I want you to know that in spite of what’s happened, I did value what we had… you and I. And I know you had your issues, but the way you’ve always cared about Mia is so special. I do appreciate everything you did, for both of us, when she first came along.’
I shift in my seat. I wonder if she’s playing games with me. Even in her physically weakened state I don’t trust her.
‘I’ve told you before my mother and I never had a good relationship,’ she continues. ‘She was only interested in her boyfriends. I always came second, and she never showed me any real love. Consequently I feel no love for her. I don’t know where she is, and I don’t really care. My biggest fear is that Mia will feel the same about me.’
‘Then don’t let that happen.’
‘How can I stop her from hating me though? I’m basically living my mother’s life!’
‘Break the cycle. You said your mother never showed you any real love – so make sure you love your little girl, and that she knows she’s loved. Learn from the past. Don’t allow the past to colour the future, it’s gone. That’s what I’d do if I was a mother.’
‘I’m sorry that didn’t happen for you, Lucy. I honestly hope you find what you’re looking for one day.’ She sighs, looking into my eyes, and it feels so genuine, I’m touched by what she says.
We’ll both soon head off for new horizons, yet even now it feels like there’s an invisible, unbreakable tie between us forged through love and hate and friendship. And however angry we both feel about what we’ve done to each other, we’ve touched each other’s lives, and we’re both changed from the experience. For a while, we sit in a strange, comfortable silence, both thinking our own thoughts, until I realise that time’s running out.
‘Can I see Mia now?’
She nods, but she sits looking at me, like she still wants more from me before she allows me access to her child. I stand up and still she’s staring at me, and I feel claustrophobic, like I can’t breathe and have to get out of here or it will kill me. I can’t fathom Amber, never could, and her last words to me are as bewildering as ever, but make me feel uneasy.
‘Lucy – if when she’s older, Mia ever asks you what I’m like, I won’t blame you for telling her I’m the worst friend, the worst person, the worst wife. But will you do me a favour? Will you just make sure she knows that in spite of all my faults I love her more than anything or anyone in my life? Because I really, really do.’
Chapter Thirty-One
Lucy
Suddenly I hear the front door and Matt walks in.
‘Hey, I… didn’t expect you…’ Amber says, looking up at him.
‘I’m early,’ he answers her, but he’s looking at me like he’s seen a ghost.
‘Amber said it was okay for me to come and see Mia,’ I say defensively. I don’t know if Matt is aware I was coming. I wait for his reaction; the last time I saw him was in court.
‘Hi Lucy… This is awkward,’ he says light-heartedly.
‘Yes, it is, isn’t it?’ I agree, but he isn’t interested in me. Amber’s in the room.
He walks over to her, puts his hand on her shoulder gently, and I can see love in his eyes. He never looked at me like that.
‘Oh… Well as long as Amber’s okay with you being here – that’s… okay,’ he says, rubbing his hands together. ‘Cup of tea?’ he asks brightly, and I shake my head. That would be weird. Me drinking tea with my ex-husband and my ex-best friend in my former marital home? No thanks.
But, classic Matt, he rushes off into the kitchen to make tea for Amber. He was always the host, happiest in the kitchen with the kettle on or making meals and feeding people. And for the millionth time in my life I think what a shame it was that we couldn’t have children. Would our lives h
ave turned out differently if we had? Would they have been the glue we needed to weather the storm of Amber? I don’t ponder this for long. It’s too painful and I have to be positive; things have a way of working out, don’t they? Matt has Mia now and finally the opportunity to be a dad. I suppose he’ll adopt her, and as soon as our divorce comes through they’ll get married. Life goes on.
Eventually Matt returns with her tea and as he hands it to her I can feel the tension between them that I once mistook for hatred. But now I know it’s love or lust, whatever you want to call it – it’s whatever brings people together, even the unlikeliest couples. I’m relieved to discover their union doesn’t hurt me any more – but still I shouldn’t be here. I have lots to do, and I must see Mia. She’s the only reason I came here and put myself through this.
‘I have to get off,’ I say, moving to stand up. ‘Could I perhaps see Mia before I go?’
‘Yes, she’s upstairs, probably asleep,’ Amber says.
‘I’ll go and get her.’ Matt walks towards the door.
‘No. Don’t disturb her if she’s asleep. I can just see her in her cot.’
‘Okay,’ he says, so I follow him out of the room, leaving Amber alone. Ironic really; in the house where we always planned a baby, a nursery, here we are, husband and wife going upstairs to see the baby in her cot. Except Mia’s not my baby – and Matt’s not really my husband any more.
The door is half-open when we walk in and, expecting Mia to be fast asleep, I’m overjoyed to see she’s wide awake and smiling.
‘I can’t believe how she’s grown,’ I say, instinctively taking her out of her cot and holding her close. She’s smiling and saying words that only she understands as I hold her tight and kiss her little nose, which tickles her and makes her laugh. ‘She always liked that,’ I say, giggling. ‘Yes you did, didn’t you, Mia?’
Meanwhile, Matt pulls a face at her and she giggles more, going into hysterics the crazier he looks.
‘Uncle Matt’s got a funny face, hasn’t he?’ I joke.
‘Actually, she calls me Daddy now,’ he says, a little awkwardly.
‘Oh… oh, of course, that makes sense.’ I try not to show my surprise, my little sting of jealousy. Amber got everything, the husband and the child, and despite being excited about my travels, I wonder if I would actually swap places with her in a heartbeat.
‘Lucy… about you and me…’ Matt starts, and I can feel another awkward moment coming on.
‘You think we should hurry through with the divorce?’ I try to pre-empt him.
‘Yeah. I mean, absolutely we should. Amber and I would love to get married – for Mia.’
‘Yes, of course. Let’s get things moving on that. No point in delaying anything.’
‘Great, yeah… Amber’ll be pleased, not because… just… you know?’
I nod vigorously, too vigorously.
‘Sorry… about everything, Lucy… I didn’t want to hurt you. I just can’t help how I feel.’
‘Look, it happened. We’re all a little wiser, and I genuinely hope you’ll be happy. Just don’t let Amber break your heart.’
‘Like she did yours?’
‘I guess so,’ I say, feeling stupid. I was duped by both of them, a cuckoo in my own nest. ‘But I’m okay.’ I paint on a smile and add another lie to my long list. I’ll never be okay again after Amber. Most people come into our lives, we know them for a while and then move on, but a few stay in our hearts and minds. And Amber’s lodged in mine.
‘I was really cut up for a while,’ I say. ‘I never expected – I had no idea that you and Amber…’ The air is thick and I don’t want to open up old wounds but there’s a huge part of me that still hasn’t had closure. Perhaps I just need to bury everything, and start my new journey? ‘I wish you both well,’ I say.
‘Yeah, thanks.’ He doesn’t look at me, just nods a little, then holds out his arms for Mia and we go downstairs to Amber, and we say our strange goodbyes, my once best friend, once husband and me. And I climb into my car, leaving them, a little family on the doorstep of my once home. I start the engine, on my own voyage now, alone, and I’m filled with excitement, and fear. But as I pull away, waving and driving towards my future, I wonder if she’ll break Matt’s heart like she breaks everyone else’s, and can’t shake the sense of foreboding filling my chest.
***
I can’t bear to be apart from her – with one of us in another country. How will I survive? I keep thinking about the fun we had, how cute she was in that little unicorn suit, the way she looked at me… the way we used to be. I want it back, but I think it might be too late.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Amber
Saying goodbye to Lucy is surprisingly tough. I feel like I’m saying goodbye to a part of myself. After all that’s happened, you’d think I’d be glad to wave her off. But it’s only now that I realise how much we once meant to each other. I will admit I made friends with her because I knew she lived nearby. I’d seen her neat little house from the outside, could tell she was a fusspot, a busybody who might just look after me a bit. Subconsciously, that’s what I’ve always been looking for, someone who’ll care about me, someone to come home to.
Matt was there for me too, he understands me, knows how it feels not to have a family. We’ve clung to each other during these difficult months, and that’s the problem. We were clinging – not loving. I think my hormones, my fucked-up childhood and his lovely, caring nature were a potent cocktail to a woman like me. And between us we created something unreal, a love that doesn’t really exist – just a desperate need and a sprinkle of lust.
I’ve come through it. I’m starting my own journey, just like Lucy. I want new adventures with Ben, but Matt wants me, and I don’t know how to tell him it’s over.
It’s madness, but I miss Lucy’s advice at times like this. She’d know what to do, what to say. But I’ve never been very good at goodbyes, not since Michael anyway.
Matt can sense something’s not right though; he’s edgy and argumentative. I never promised him forever, but I just don’t think he wants to face what’s happening to us. Despite his lovely ways, Matt does have a mean streak. I remember Lucy saying he occasionally said really hurtful things to her, but she put it down to him being a Scorpio – ‘they have a sting in their tail,’ she’d said. I smile, thinking of weird little Lucy with her theories about everything.
Seeing her again has inspired me – she could have so easily given up after losing everything, but she hasn’t. If anything she’s become stronger, more independent. I envy her and want that for me too. No more waiting until I feel well enough, strong enough – I have to get moving and book on that flight to NYC. Trouble is, I’m still suffering from nausea and loss of appetite so after Lucy left I made an appointment with the doctor for later in the week. The new nanny starts tomorrow, so I’ll have all the freedom in the world, and can set off for New York without Matt trying to stop me by refusing to do childcare.
Also, now the money’s coming in, I’ve paid back the rent I owe on my house and, I haven’t told Matt yet, but Mia and I are going back to live there after I’ve been to New York. I like it here at Treetops, and though some might think I’m mad moving three doors down from my ex, I’ve done crazier things – and if he’s uncomfortable, then he’s the one who should move. One day, I’d like to buy Greenacres, make it Mia’s forever home. I never had one of those and for her I want everything that I didn’t.
So with plans to move and all the offers coming in I’ve taken a lot on recently, and my health’s suffered. I’m exhausted, and everyone’s telling me to slow down, but this is my time. I’ve been receiving offers I just can’t refuse, and the world of TV and celebrity is so fickle I have to make hay while the sun shines.
***
She’ll never know how much I loved her. Oh, I’d been married, thought I’d been in love before – but never like this, not with her. She’s mine and she always will be. She knows it too, but she thinks s
he has a different story to mine – she doesn’t, we’re all tangled up in each other forever. She can’t leave; she can’t go so far away. I can’t live without her, and I know what to do to keep her with me, because I’ve done it before.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Amber
I’ve been feeling a little better these past couple of days. I went to see my doctor, who checked me over and said I needed to rest and eat properly. She said if I felt the same in a couple of weeks she’d refer me for blood tests. This is what the NHS has come to, with all the government cuts. Unless you’re terminal, doctors barely have the time or resources to do anything. The good news is, though, that from his perfunctory look it seems like I don’t have anything horrific or obviously wrong with me. So I took the bull by the horns and booked my flight times, then I called Richard, the TV exec in New York, and he promised me a limo would be waiting at JFK.
‘I hope you’re ready for success, Miss Amber,’ he said, in that lovely American drawl.
‘I sure am ready for anything,’ I said, in my fake American accent. I know how to play the game. Along with the pilot episode for the talk show, there are offers from a couple of panel shows, and the one-hour special, ‘Amber Young: My Friend, My Stalker’, is about to air. It’s all very exciting but I do feel a bit guilty about dragging Lucy through the mud again. Having said that she’ll be halfway round the world in Nepal, and hopefully won’t even know about it – or care.
Matt is another story though. After Lucy’s visit, he said they’d talked about divorce and she was as keen as him to finalise everything. ‘We can get married then!’ he said excitedly, seemingly still unable to grasp that I don’t want to marry him.
