“Are you okay?” Stephanie says the second the sliding door closes.
The tug at my heart reminds me of my empty uterus and my eyes fill with tears again. "I lost the baby " I cover my face with my hands and sob.
“Oh, Les,” Stephanie says before she embraces me. “Did you call my mom?” She asks after a few minutes have passed.
“I just left her office.” I pull away from her. Removing my sunglasses, I wipe the tears from my face and walk over to the three steps that lead down into the yard. Stephanie sits next to me and we both look up into the warm, clear sky. “Did you hear about last night?”
“Yeah.” She sighs. “I wanted to come by last night but you didn’t answer any of my calls. I rushed over first this this morning.”
“Sorry.” I sniffle back. “I silenced my phone. Who told you about last night? I look over at Stephanie. Tears still drip down my cheeks.
She sighs and rests her elbows on her knees. “I saw the fight on social media.”
“What?”
She pouts her lips and nods. “Some idiot at the pub decided to record it and post it on Facebook.”
I groan and bury my face between my knees. “It only showed Ethan and Michael fighting. Well, more like Michael on the floor as Ethan beat him. I figured you'd want somebody to talk to.” She reaches out and places her hand on my shoulder.
Turning my face, I glance over at her. “I never saw him like that before. It's like Jerry took over his body.”
“Why were you guys there to begin with?”
“I asked him to talk. I was going to tell him about the baby and that I wanted to stay.” I shake my head remembering all that had happened.
“And what did he say?”
“He told me to go.”
“No!” Stephanie shakes head. “You can't go. Look how much you've accomplished here.” She points back to the house. “Your parents are so happy to have you home again.”
I lift my head and sniffle back before running my fingers under my eyes to wipe away the tears. “I'm going to call the HR department and let them know I'm coming back”.
“Are you not going to tell Ethan you were pregnant?”
Slowly, I shake my head. “It wasn’t meant to be, you know.”
“Don’t say that. Ethan loves you. Maybe a child wasn’t in the cards for right now. You guys had a fight; maybe he needs time to cool off.” Stephanie forces a smile and I know she is trying to be optimistic.
“It's much more than that.” I shake my head, knowing it wasn’t just a fight. “Ever since his father passed, Ethan has pulled away from me. It's as if a part of him blames me for this. And I guess I deserve that since a part of me blames him for what happened to me. It doesn't matter how many times we try to fix it. We say we forgive each other for what happened in that garage many years ago, but it broke a part of us and neither of us knows how to mend it.”
“He's grieving. It's normal to get mad. You’re grieving, too. It takes time.”
“I know, and I've given him his space and I've tried to be supportive. But he told me to go so I'm not sitting around waiting for him. I've done that to myself one too many times. He pushed me away once and this time I'm not coming back.”
“So, you'll just leave?” I can hear the pain in Stephanie’s voice. I look over at her and remind myself that though it didn’t work out with Ethan, I gained a new friend here that I will forever cherish.
“Yeah, there's nothing here for me anymore.”
“You should really sleep on this. Take some time and think about it. Don't make any rash decisions just because you're mad.”
“That's it; I'm not mad. I'm disappointed. I expected more from him. And to hurt Michael the way he did . . .” I shake my head, not wanting to believe what I saw. “It was out of character. He hasn't been himself lately, and I can't stick around and wait for him to change. I waited for him last time, for three months, and he watched from afar as I rotted away in that hospital. It's time I put myself first.”
“This is good-bye then?” Stephanie leans her head on my shoulder.
“No, not yet.” I place my head on hers. “But soon.”
27
PRESENT
The following Saturday, I find myself sitting on the floor of my bedroom. My door is locked and I let the tears pour from my eyes as I look out my window one final time. Though I keep telling myself I will not cry, I allow myself this time to shed my final tears for Ethan. The sun rays coming through the window are warm on my skin, and I feel a lone tear drip down my face as the memory drifts into my brain.
My back rested on the light green leather chairs at terminal A as I waited for the boarding to start. I was about to start a brand new chapter in my life, and I should’ve been excited. Instead, I dreaded it.
Leaving Prescott and that god-awful hospital was exactly what I needed, but losing Ethan was never something I wanted. Did he even know I was gone? Would he even miss me?
My eyes filled with tears at the thought of never seeing him again. How I would never have him climbing into my bedroom late at night. Needing to say one last final good-bye, I pulled out my phone.
Me: I’m leaving. I’m sorry for the mess I caused you and your family. Take care of yourself. Leslie.
Within seconds of hitting send on the message, my phone vibrated in my hand. Nervously I answered it. “Hello?”
“What do you mean, you’re leaving?”
My lower lip quivered at the sound of Ethan's voice, a sound I had craved for months.
“You don’t have to worry about me anymore. You can go on with your life and do whatever it is that you’re doing.”
“Les don’t do this.”
I laugh, but it doesn’t stop the tears from falling. “Seriously. I was locked up in a hospital for three months and you ignored every single one of my calls, and now you’re telling me not to do this. You don’t have the right anymore.”
“I’m trying to make things right.”
“I’m going to Los Angeles. I’ll be studying at UCLA.” I paused for a quick second, not believing what I was saying but my heart refused to stop me. “Come with me. It can be our New York trip but on the other side of the country.”
“Leslie . . .” He said my name as if it pained him.
“Please,” I begged but there was no answer. “Please, Ethan. Please come with me.”
He sighed and I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. “I can’t,” he uttered.
Two simple words that destroyed every fiber in my soul.
I mustered the ability to say, “Take care,” and then hung up the phone with the last shred of dignity I had left. I was on my own and in that moment I made a promise to myself.
I would never come back to Prescott.
Gasping for air, I press my hands to my chest to calm my rapid heartbeat. When I'm finally ready, I stand up and say good-bye to my room one final time. Shutting the door behind me, I also close the final door to me and Ethan. A chapter that has finished.
My mother is standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me. Though she has a grin on her face, I can see the unshed tears in her eyes. Our relationship has grown tremendously over the past few months that it saddens me to leave her. ”Do you really have to leave so soon?" she asks before giving me a tight hug.
I swallow back and nod. "I have a lot of work to catch up on and I'm assuming the merger there will some layoffs, too. I need to stay on top of my game."
My mother releases m. “Thank you for everything, Leslie. I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become. I will forever be grateful to what you did for us.” She hugs me once more and I glance over at my father. He is sitting on his recliner with the paper in his hands and a wide smile on his face. He knows all I ever wanted from my mother was her approval.
He reaches out for me. Though walking around without assistance is hard for him, he is getting better each day. The sight of him home makes me smile brightly. I walk over to him and grasp his hand. "Thank you
again, Leslie, for everything. We wouldn't have survived these last few months if it weren't for you." His voice cracks on the last word and I lean down into his arms.
"Don't be silly." I try to brush away the tears that threaten to pour again. When I pull away there are tears in his eyes. "I'll see you both soon."
Once I told them both I had to leave and go back to work, I promised I would come back for a week in the summer. But the chances of that happening are slim. I’d much rather they come visit me instead. The faint horn outside the house lets me know my car service is here. Gently, I kiss my father on the cheek and walk over to my Mom to give her one final hug.
"Call me when you land?" she says, cupping my cheek.
"Yes." I smile and nod.
We’ve grown tremendously over the past few months. For the first time, I feel we have the mother-daughter relationship I have always wanted. If the past few months have taught me anything, it’s that you can grow and let go of the past.
I lean in and kiss her on the cheek. “I love you, Mom.”
She stares deeply into my eyes. “I’m so proud of you.”
I know we will never go back to where we once were.
With my suitcase behind me, I walk to the black sedan and say good-bye one last time to Prescott.
28
PRESENT
Unlike LAX or O'Hare, there is a different type of rush in the Phoenix airport. It’s not the big city rush where everyone is always late, but a I need to get to the other side of the airport rush. I decide to take my time as I head to the terminal. I tell myself it's the people who are off and acting strange as the speed by me and not the fact my heart is once again shattered into a million pieces as I make the familiar trek. My feet drag against the carpeted floors as I stroll toward the check-in gate. I don't bother moving the sunglasses from my face as I use them to shield my red puffy eyes. When the stewardess speaks to me about my baggage claim I just nod and move in slow motion. I am on autopilot and nothing around me seems to make any type of sense. I go with the motions and wheel my carry-on toward the TSA line. It's odd really, because I can't hear anything, I, myself, can't utter a sound. I just put one foot in front of the other and follow the crowd.
I manage to make my way through TSA and down toward the terminal. Unlike times before, I don't pull out my cell phone, I don’t check social media; I simply sit there and stare out onto the tarmac filled with airplanes. Minutes pass or maybe it's hours, I'm not sure because I have no sense of time. No sense of emotion.
Nonetheless, boarding for the plane begins and I stand and follow the crowd as they line up to get on.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we are now boarding flight 8743 with a destination of Chicago, Illinois. We will be lining up by boarding group number.”
My knee buckles and I stumble back, bumping into the person behind me. “Sorry,” I mutter and from the corner of my eye I feel as if I see Ethan in my peripheral vision. Hopeful, I do a quick glance and stare at every person around me. I know that it's my subconscious, my heart begging once again to not leave the only person who can mend it back together. It's sad really when you realize you aren't as important to someone as you thought. You would think that with our history, with the life we lived and the love we shared that nothing would come between us.
I was wrong.
Some wounds don't ever heal. I’ll learn to live with them. There are some bumps in the road you can never overcome, so you learn to turn yourself around and find a new road.
I close my eyes for a brief second and allow it all to sink in. One day he will only be a memory. It may not be today or tomorrow. Hell, it may take a year for me to let go. But with time, Ethan and I will be nothing but a memory.
Needing to leave it all behind me, I decide that Arizona is where I leave my heart. It’s fitting really for it to stay here along with all my broken dreams.
Unlike every passenger on the plane, I don't unbuckle the seat belt once we taxi into our gate. Instead, I stare out the window and watch the workers unload the baggage off the plane. Everyone is in a rush to get back to their lives or on to the next journey, but I find myself stuck, unable to move. For the past two hours as we flew across the Midwest, my mind replayed the same thing over and over. How did I get here? How did I let myself become so weak? For eight years I took piece by piece and found the strength to move on. But this time I was more damaged than the last time.
“Ma’am,” the stewardess says softly.
“Yes?” I pull my gaze away from the window and look over at her.
“We need you to exit the plane now.” She glances back at the empty seats behind me.
“Oh, sorry.” I say and stand. Nodding at the flight crew, I exit and walk up to the gate, then follow the signs to baggage claim.
My hands hold the railing as I step on the escalator that leads me down to the lower level baggage claim. Drivers and family wait for their families to arrive. I glance around for my car service guy when I spot him.
Ethan.
He has one hand tucked into his pocket and the other is holding up a white paper with Sutton written across it.
Slowly, I shake my head. Stepping off the escalator I walk past him and toward the carousal of luggage.
“Leslie, wait,” I hear from behind me.
“No,” I say and my voice is shaky. “You don’t get to show up here and pretend nothing happened.” I never pull my gaze away from the carousel.
“Just give me five minutes.” He steps in front of me and I’m forced to stop walking.
“You have thirty seconds.” I refuse to allow myself to look into his eyes.
“Do you remember the first night I climbed into your room?” He steps in and I can smell the scent of his cologne wafting in the air around me. Gently, he places his finger under my chin and lifts my face up to his. Our eyes meet and there’s a tug at my heart. He looks like the broken Ethan I have always loved. “We had just moved in and my father was using my mother as a punching bag again. What you don't know is that I planned on killing my father that night.” I narrow my eyes as he continues. “When we moved into that house my mother promised me that things would be different. She said my father just needed to get away from the garage and he would get help. But again, that was her defending him.” Ethan swallows and lowers himself so we are eye to eye.
“That night as my mother cried and begged him not to hit her again. I walked out into the backyard and pulled out his shotgun that I had hidden under the deck.” His words stun me. “Remember, I told you it was almost over.” My mind locates the memory and I replay it over in my head. Tears pool in my eyes and I nod. “I figured killing him and going to jail were better than having to live in that house a day longer. I was at the lowest I’d ever been, and then I heard your voice. And that night, Leslie, you showed me something no one had ever shown me before. Kindness and compassion, something I had never experienced in my life. It was like you were my guardian angel.” A tear drips down his face and I find myself reaching up to catch it.
“I knew then that as long as I had you in my life, living with Jerry would be bearable. I knew then, when I was ten years old, that I would love you for the rest of my life.” His voice cracks and I find my lips quivering as I shake my head. He frames my face with both hands and presses his forehead to mine. “You're the only thing I believe in. You've made my darkest days brighter. Loving you is the only thing I know how to do. It's the only thing that keeps me alive. Please, Leslie. I fucked up. I know that and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. But please, don't let me go.”
I close my eyes and the pain mixed with the love I have for him courses through my veins as if they are at war with each other. “You’ve been so distant, so different.”
“I’m so sorry. When he finally died all of it hit me. The grief consumed me and I was reminded of the man he was. We always hurt the people we love the most, but I promise you with everything that I am, I will never hurt you again.” He pulls me closer and ki
sses my lips. “Please, Leslie. I can’t lose you.”
The warm tears drip down my face. I want to forgive him. I want to leap into his arms and have him kiss the pain away. But two broken souls will never live happily as one.
With everything in me I take a step back. Ethan’s eyes widen and I see them fill with tears. “I can’t.” My voice is shaky. “I can’t do this to myself. What we shared many moons ago was perfect. It was beautiful.” I pause and bite down a sob that threatens to crawl up my throat. “But we are broken Ethan. And it doesn’t matter how much we try to fix it. Our pieces are shattered into a million pieces.” Slowly, he shakes his head not believing what I’m saying. I run my fingers under my eyes and inhale. “I will always love you but I can’t forgive you.”
“Leslie.” His voice is hoarse and I know this pains him.
“I’m sorry, Ethan, but you have to let me go.” I mutter and walk past him. My legs shake with each step I take, but I force myself to walk toward the carousel and grab my suitcase. I stand there for a few minutes letting the last fragments of my heart break before I look back to where he stood.
He’s gone and I know that it’s finally over.
The drive from O’Hare to my apartment in Chicago takes over two hours due to traffic. I allow myself to sit in the back seat of the car and stare out at the highway. My heart is aching but I know that I’ve made the best decision for myself. Being with Ethan is what I’ve always wanted but there’s too much water under the bridge to ever let us have what we both want. Though Jerry is dead and in the past, his memory haunts me. The fear of Ethan turning into him terrifies me to the core. The car pulls up to the sidewalk of my apartment and I slide my credit card through the machine and sign the receipt. My body moves in slow motion as I climb out of the car and around to meet the driver who has my suitcase in his hand. I smile kindly and thank him for his service. Turning toward the sidewalk my hand releases the suitcase handle and I gasp.
Broken Dreams (Fatal Series Book 3) Page 20
