“And you assumed they were too scared to, right?” he said dourly. Even now, his pride was taking a beating. “Or I’d have their head on a platter with fixin’s.”
She had the decency to blush. “I...I would like to hear what happened. If you’d like to tell me,” she said with total earnestness.
He felt about as comfortable with the subject as he would finding himself in close confines with a rattler. But figuring he had little left to lose at this point, Will gave a curt nod and plunged in.
“Mary Ann was from Dallas, someone I met at a beef conference five years ago. We struck it off, and it kind of grew from there. I won’t go into details other than to say it seemed right for us to marry, and I fully intended for it to last.”
“But sometimes life—and love—doesn’t go that way, does it?” Lacey murmured.
“You got that right,” he said ruefully, settling forward, arms crossed on the wooden platform. “Anyway, we tied the knot and she moved out to the Double R—probably the first big snag in the marriage. She was used to the city, bein’ within spittin’ distance of her friends and family. I never denied her when she wanted to go see ’em, would drive her to Amarillo myself to put her on a plane. But I rarely went with her.”
He waylaid any criticism Lacey might make by adding, “Ask any rancher around and he’ll tell you there’s no such thing as pickin’ up on a whim and jauntin’ off to the city. It’s a full-time, round-the-clock job.”
Will knew he must be scrupulously truthful, however, or the point of this confession would be lost. “On the other hand, I’ll admit I was workin’ pretty hard, harder than I had to. Same as I always have. It’s just been my way since I was eighteen. Oh sure, no one made me work like a demon then, although even now I can’t say I’m sorry I did. The Double R was on the brink of failure when I took over, and once it started prospering, it brought a lot of business to Abysmal, helped keep the town from turnin’ into a ghost of itself like so many Panhandle towns did in those days.”
He paused, taking a moment to gather the courage to admit this last part. He had to come completely clean, though. “But I didn’t need to work as hard as I did once I got married. I’ll be the first to own I started working harder to keep from havin’ to think about what was goin’ wrong with my marriage, even while I tried to find ways to make Mary Ann happy. I gave her free rein to remodel the ranch house, sort of to make it more hers, you know? I got the men I’d grown up with and worked with to come out with their wives and girlfriends to get to know her. Only it seemed the more I did, the more unhappy she got, and I’d be lyin’ if I didn’t tell you it so frustrated me I closed up to her. But I truly was doin’ my best to provide for my wife and give her what she needed, and since workin’ hard was what had brought me results before, then that was my way of tryin’ to solve the other problems I had.”
He didn’t like how his words resounded with self-righteousness, or at least seemed to, to his ears. Apparently, Lacey caught the strain of his meaning, because she said, “I believe you, Will, that you were doing your best, and with the best intentions.”
It helped to get the last part out. “Yeah well, I guess Mary Ann didn’t think so. She left me. Walked out without a backward look.”
He spread his hands, trying for casualness, feeling anything but. He felt as exposed as he would if he walked down Main Street in nothing but his B.V.D.s, and he understood more than he ever had Lacey’s fierce need to protect her privacy about her personal tragedy. But there was no other way to tell his story except in the baldest of terms. “Oh, I’ve come to realize that while I certainly own a good share of the fault for the marriage goin’ bust, she shared responsibility, too. I’m a hard case sometimes, but I think you can get me to concede to a wrongdoin’ if I’ve done it. ’Cept she didn’t give me the chance.”
“Did you ask for one?” she asked without a bit of sympathy.
Will recognized his own device, used on her so many times. “No,” he said tersely. “No, I didn’t.”
Yes, pride was a powerful thing in him.
And Will struggled mightily with what to say next, how to say it, because it was the most pride-shattering admission of all. “Every single soul in town knew she’d left me, though they weren’t privy to why, and I wasn’t inclined to enlighten them. That’s what earned me the nickname Iron Will Proffitt. Without any explanation as to what really happened, people tended to believe the worst. You pretty much believed the worst—that I was this control freak cattle baron who had to run the show from start to finish and completely on my terms. The thing is, maybe you’ve got the right of it, in a way.”
“I do?”
With all he had in him, Will struggled not to pull back from the truth right now. Somehow he knew if he did, he’d lose his chance with Lacey forever.
“Yeah, you do. Because I’ve come to see that what I wanted Mary Ann to need from me was only what I was comfortable giving—my name, my position in the community, financial security. My power to make things happen. But not my attention, my support. Not...myself.”
Done at last, he tipped his head back, eyes closed, curious to be feeling a kind of freeing relief. He had never told anyone the full story. In fact, he had probably never fully admitted to himself his faults and failings, and it was because he’d always held his emotions in, as Lacey—and Lee—had so bluntly told him. Likely his life would be a whole lot different right now if he’d done this sooner. Still, he wasn’t one to beat himself up for past transgressions, although he could do a little more learning from them.
And what came to him right now was that if he hadn’t done this before, it was because he hadn’t risked losing so much.
He wondered if Lacey realized that.
She apparently had some sense of his struggle, for she said, “I know how hard it was for you to tell me that, Will, and I want to let you know, I’m honored that you did.”
He swallowed with difficulty. Her appreciation meant a lot to him. And, he realized, made the hell he’d just gone through worth it.
“No harder than it was for you to tell me about Laslo’s abuse,” he said gruffly.
She gazed out into the night, suddenly seeming a million miles away. He’d noticed before how she did that—withdrew into herself at the mention of Laslo.
She’d said that before, about how alone she felt at times. He realized he’d felt the same way for most of his life, mostly because he’d always had to be the one in charge, in control, and that had caused him to hold himself separate from those who depended upon him to be strong.
Lacey had had to be strong, too, although for different reasons. Stronger, in fact, than he’d had to be, for she’d been so much more vulnerable, had had to fight her way back from a position much more susceptible to attack.
“So you see, that’s why I’ve been so unpredictable with you, Will,” she explained. “I’ve felt like I could get only so close to you before I needed to protect myself because I didn’t know whether I could ever allow myself to—” her voice roughened and she took a second to clear her throat “—to open up and completely trust a man. Or let myself
l-love one. I just learned very well from Nicolai Laslo how love makes you vulnerable, and how many ways it can be used against you.”
Her confession done, she hugged herself, almost as if she were trying to keep out the world so it wouldn’t hurt her anymore. Or to hold in some longing which persisted despite what she’d gone through.
Will ached for her, ached for himself, too. The wounds ran deep in them both, but they had survived by building walls of protection around them. And for that they paid a price.
He felt regret, as well, although that was mostly for Lacey. Because he knew it would take her somehow regaining that youthful vision of true love forever and ever, to come all the way back from the hurt she’d suffered. But since he had been there himself, he kne
w how impossible it would be for either of them to ever believe in such a tall tale again.
“We’re certainly a pair, aren’t we?” he said quietly.
“Meaning?”
“Oh, that the personal ordeals we’ve been through have made us stronger, and there’s a certain pride and conviction that comes from knowing you’re a survivor. But our trials’ve also turned us into realists, which doesn’t much make you popular because people don’t want to hear from you that there’s no such thing as a fairy-tale happy ending.”
“But do we know that for sure, Will?” Lacey studied him for a long moment before going on with an enigmatic air, “Maybe...maybe it’s not what people endure that provides the measure of their strength. Maybe it’s continuing to step into the new, unfamiliar and dangerous territory of what each of us hasn’t experienced is what makes us strong, because braving the unknown takes so much trust. And it’s only by continuing to risk trusting that you even have a chance at any kind of happy ending.”
Will frowned. “Yeah? Well, all I know is you can’t make somethin’ happen that’s not going to happen.”
Lacey continued to look at him strangely. “And all I know is that staying in the place I’m at isn’t working at all. And going back is not an option.”
Before he could react, she placed her hands on either side of his face and bent to kiss him.
CHAPTER TWELVE
SHE LOVED WILL. She knew that fact to the bottom of her feet. Oh, to know she could still trust, could still love was part of it. But to love a man such as this, who had raised in her all her greatest fears and helped her face and conquer them one by one, as she had hopefully had a hand in helping him with his.
Tears sprang to her eyes and Lacey gave a small sob of relief—and thanks. This feeling was worth all the loneliness, all the hurt and pain—that which she’d endured and would endure.
“Lacey, I’m sorry I made you cry,” Will muttered.
“No, I’m not crying about that.”
“Then why?” he demanded.
She still had some fears left, it seemed. “I just...I’ve never felt anything so good. So right.”
* * *
THEY’D FINALLY LEFT THE STOCK tank after Will dried himself off, and now, stretched out on the bench seat of the cab extension with Lacey snuggling against his chest, Will had to admit he was feeling well nigh on the best he ever had in his life.
There was something about being able to give a woman what she needed that did that to a man.
He felt a pinprick in his own elated satisfaction. He was engaged to this particular woman. On the surface, it would seem there wasn’t much to debate on the subject. Except they both knew it wasn’t real.
So what was real? What had just happened between them—that was real, as real as it got. And because it was, he owed it to Lacey—owed it to them both—to honor that experience by following through with his pledge, even if it had been for show, to give her his name and protection. And while he was at it, maybe he’d make a few of her other dreams come true, like funding her resource center.
Except Lacey had said several times she didn’t want Prince Charming to come riding up on a white horse and rescue her. She didn’t need a man to take care of her. Or protect her. So what did she want—and need—from him, especially now?
He would do it, if he only knew.
“I’d better get you home,” Will whispered. “I don’t want to worry your parents by
keepin’ you out to all sorts of hours.”
Lacey cuddled closer to him, obviously not in any hurry. “Oh, they don’t know I’m with you, first of all. But I think they’d figure it was all right since in their minds we’re engaged.”
“And in your mind?” he asked before thinking, which was getting to be a habit where she was concerned. Although maybe that’s what it was going to take, for she lifted up on one elbow, bringing her into the shaft of moonlight shining in through the window. Her face seemed illuminated from the inside. Her skin positively glowed, and he couldn’t help hoping it was because they both now knew each other better than anyone else. And because they had talked about everything, she might be feeling what he was right now.
Her voice was perfectly calm, however, as she said, “We both knew, Will, when we decided to pretend we were engaged that it was to keep Nicolai from coming to Abysmal. At the time, it seemed the best choice. Maybe my only choice. But now...”
“Now?” he echoed, trying not to anticipate her next words while still bracing for them as he would a kick to the stomach by a bull.
“Now...Will, I want you to know I can never thank you enough for what you’ve given me tonight. You trusted me enough to tell me everything. No matter what happens, I’ll cherish what we shared for the rest of my life.”
Her green eyes were unfathomable. “That’s why I won’t make a mockery of it by continuing this charade of an engagement.”
His breath left him as if he had indeed taken a hoof with a ton of force behind it to the gut. He tried to hold on to the good in her words, but it was powerfully hard when all he heard was that, even after tonight, she wanted to end their partnership, which had made him feel whatever happened as a result was all worth it.
“So what do we do—cause another scene in the middle of Main Street to call it off between us?” he asked pointedly. “I’ll admit I’m hard-pressed to come up with something that’ll stick with that crowd considerin’ how we carried on to convince them we were the real deal. I’m thinkin’ it’ll take nothin’ less than a full-scale, no-holds-barred free-for-all. Not a tiff, not a spat, not a squabble, but a real mud-slinger, complete with yellin’ and foot stompin’ and accusations flung all over the place.”
Hurt shone from her eyes. Well, he was hurt, too!
“We’ll simply tell people we got carried away by the moment,” Lacey said, sitting up. “The rest is between us.”
“I agree.” He pushed himself upright, too, cinching his towel a little tighter around his waist in a move he realized was purely because of his feeling vulnerable as a just-hatched chick. “But you know Abysmal. People will wonder who dumped who and why, and if the answer isn’t practically printed in the Times and parsed up and down, they’ll come up with their own theories. And believe me, they can come up with some good ones.”
Realization came over her features. “I wouldn’t make you go through that again, Will. Honest I wouldn’t. You should know that by now.”
“And don’t you know by now I honestly would do about anything to keep your private business from being put under a magnifying glass and then broadcast all over creation,” he said with exasperation. “I’m tellin’ you, Lacey, the last thing you need is Laslo gettin’ wind of our engagement being broken and him comin’ to town after you.”
They locked gazes in a different version of one of their stare-downs. This one, Will realized, was again about stubbornness, again about a tussle of wills. Again about fears untold.
For that’s when Lacey murmured, “Actually, I’ve been thinking that’s exactly what I need.”
Will wondered if he could remain calm. But then he’d had years and years of practice keeping himself under tight rein. Never had it been as difficult as now, however.
He ran a hand through his hair, trying to think logically. Trying to regain a sense of control of the situation, although he felt anything but. “Look, there’s no rush to do anything at this point, especially since we both can’t come up with a better solution right now. So let’s just leave the matter as it is until we can think this through and not make another hasty decision.”
“I don’t know if I can do that, Will. I want to tell my parents, at least,” she said with a determined air. “I don’t want to continue misleading the people I care about.”
And what about him? he wondered. Where did he fall in her estimat
ion?
She must have sensed something of his thoughts, for Lacey laid her hand on his arm, her thumb brushing the inside of his forearm in a way that made him wonder at the wisdom of letting himself know the rare pleasure of holding this woman in his arms. For he was instantly affected by her touch, instantly on that slippery slope of losing himself in her.
“Will, please,” she said, “you know better than anyone else on this earth how hard I’ve fought to keep hold of my sense of self. And I’m anything but sorry we decided to pretend we were engaged. It was the best thing to do at the time. But please try to understand when I say I’ve got to continue following my instincts about how to handle things—between us, with my parents, even with the center. I—I promise I’ll keep your concerns at the front of my mind every minute. But...I have to do what’s right, and I may not know what that is again until I’m smack in the middle of a predicament.”
“Like this predicament?” he asked.
She removed her hand. He knew she needed a little more patience and understanding from him right now, but for the life of him he couldn’t give her the words of support she wanted. He was just plain fresh out of them, just as he was fresh out of ideas to solve her problem any better than she was proposing. He’d already made the mistake of jumping in and trying to move all the chess pieces around to make things right for everyone.
“Fine, Lacey,” he said at last. “You do what you’ve got to do. Just remember I’m doin’ what I’ve got to, too.”
And difficult as it was, Will knew he had to do nothing at this point, even if it made him feel more a failure than he ever had in his entire life.
He saw her to her truck and handed her into it, catching a glimpse as he did so of her downcast face, like a lonesome angel. He almost dragged her back inside the dually, locking the doors behind them so they’d have to hash this out. Or so he could kiss her again and convince her in that way that it would be all right, they could work it out somehow in a way that met both their needs.
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