by Rosie Green
Beth frowns. ‘Oh, sorry, I assumed you would know, what with sharing the flat with him. I thought . . . aren’t you . . .?’ She breaks off awkwardly.
‘What?’ I’m confused for a second. Then suddenly, realising what she’s getting at, I feel myself blushing fiercely. ‘Oh, no. God, no! We’re not together or anything.’ I laugh loudly to indicate what a completely ridiculous thought that actually is.
Beth looks at me oddly. Then she strokes Maisie’s hair, her face softening. ‘Anyway, so yes, Maisie stays with me.’ I catch a fleeting sadness in her eyes, but the next moment, she’s smiling brightly at her grand-daughter. ‘Don’t you, love?’
Maisie nods shyly at me. ‘But I’ll see my daddy today!’ she sings, her face lighting up with joy. Then she turns, with a worried look, to Beth. ‘I will, won’t I, Grandma?’
Beth smiles. ‘You will, my pet.’ She stands up. ‘Now, come on, let’s leave Ellie in peace and go and feed those ducks we spotted.’
I listen to them go off happily downstairs. Then I watch them from the window as Maisie runs down to the edge of the duck pond and Beth tries her best to keep up and stop her grand-daughter falling in the water.
I feel a little tug on my heart. Maisie looks so like Zak. She has the same dark hair. The same penetrating dark eyes with their apparent ability to see right through to your thoughts.
Why didn’t he tell me about her?
Where is Maisie’s mum?
And why does she live with Beth?
Now that I know of Maisie’s existence, I can understand better why Zak seems so weary and despairing at times. There must be a reason the little girl doesn’t live with him.
But whatever that reason is, how heart-breaking must it be for Zak to be separated from his daughter like this?
*****
I’m in the kitchen an hour later, wondering if I should start preparing a meal for tonight, when Beth and Maisie arrive back.
Maisie runs into the living room and comes back holding up a doll. ‘Here she is.’
‘Great.’ Beth smiles. ‘Ellie, we just popped back to get Maisie’s things. Zak is taking us out for an early dinner with the rest of his family, but we’ll be staying here tonight if that’s all right.’
‘Yes, of course.’ I immediately start pondering the sleeping arrangements.
‘We were going to be heading back home tonight. That was the plan. But with everything that’s happened today, it makes sense to stay over. Zak says he’ll sleep at Sylvia’s tonight and Maisie and I can bunk up together here.’
Footsteps on the stairs herald Zak’s arrival. When he walks into the hallway, Maisie shouts, ‘Daddy!’ and races towards him, He scoops her up in a giant hug.
‘Ready, Maisie Moo?’ He laughs, holding her tightly and growling like a bear, making Maisie shriek with delight. My heart melts a little, seeing them together.
Zak catches my eye over her shoulder. The look on his face is guarded and sheepishly apologetic at the same time.
‘It looks as if someone’s pleased to see you!’
I smile brightly at him and his face relaxes.
‘And I’m very pleased to see her!’ He tickles Maisie and she squeals happily, trying to escape his grasp.
Beth is watching them with a wistful smile on her face and I wonder again where Maisie’s mum is.
‘Would you like to come out to dinner with us?’ Zak asks as they prepare to leave.
‘Thank you. But an early night is on the cards for me, I think.’
He nods. ‘We won’t be late back.’
And then they’re gone.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Much later, after the three of them have returned and Beth has retired to bed with Maisie, I finally get to speak to Zak over a glass of wine.
‘She’s lovely. Your daughter,’ I say carefully, looking up at him as I take the glass he hands me, and then wriggling further into my corner of the sofa.
He gives me a smile that’s tinged with pride but also sadness. Then he sinks down beside me, looking completely ‘done in’, as Mum would say.
‘If she were mine, I’d be telling the whole world!’ I say lightly. ‘Why didn’t you mention her to me?’
He frowns. ‘Because no kid needs me for a dad.’
I stare at him, confused. ‘But she loves you! That’s so obvious to me and I’ve only seen you together this once. It’s clear she worships the ground you walk on!’
He draws in a huge breath and breathes it out slowly. ‘Maybe. But I don’t deserve her love.’
‘Oh, I don’t believe – ’
He cuts across me brusquely. ‘It’s not up for debate. I’ve been a crap dad ever since she was born. I let other – challenges – get in the way.’ He stares at the ceiling, a look of utter desolation in his eyes. ‘And now I’m paying the price.’
‘So has Maisie never lived with you?’
At first, he says nothing, still inhabiting the tortured world of his own thoughts. Then he seems to recall that I’m there.
‘Until she was six months old, she had both of us. A mum and a dad. We were a family and we were happy.’ He gives a bitter laugh. ‘Before Lexi’s drug habit.’
‘Oh.’ A bolt of shock goes through me. I hardly dare ask but I need to. ‘Where is Lexi now?’
The silence stretches on as he stares down at his hands. Then he draws in a breath and looks up at me. ‘Lexi had terrible back problems when Maisie was born and she started taking strong painkillers to relieve it. She couldn’t do any of the things new mothers do and it meant she didn’t really get a chance to bond with Maisie. She hated herself for that because she thought she’d failed her daughter. I was always trying to think of ways to make it better for Lexi. Beth, her mum, was a star. She often babysat Maisie while we went off to some exotic location because Lexi thought the sun might make her feel better. I think she just wanted to escape the scariness and responsibility of motherhood that was weighing her down.’
‘What happened to her? Lexi, I mean?’
‘She left us.’ He shrugs. ‘One day, she said she fancied some time to herself and she’d organised for Beth to look after Maisie. And I encouraged her because I was all for anything that made Lexy smile. She never came back.’
‘She just took off?’
He nods. ‘I got back to find she’d packed a few belongings and gone. Just disappeared into thin air. She left a note saying she was going to a friend’s but I wasn’t to look for her because she’d had enough of being a failure. She said Maisie would be far better off with just me to look after her.’ He laughs bitterly. ‘She was wrong there. I was so devastated at her going, I went completely to pieces. Beth looked after Maisie most of the time after her daughter disappeared. I think she thought it was for the best so I’d have a chance to pull myself together – plus I think Maisie filled the huge hole Lexi had left in her life.
‘Beth just poured all her love and energy into caring for her grand-daughter and to my relief, Maisie seemed happy and settled. Eventually I realised that’s where she belonged. With her grandmother. Because Lexi and I had both let her down so badly.’
I stare at him in dismay, wanting to tell him that of course he wasn’t a bad parent. Life dealt them both a raw deal, that was all. But I know he won’t believe that.
He drags his hands through his hair and sighs. ‘Looking back, I was completely deluded in my view of how our life was. I really thought we were happy. I’d had my first book accepted for publication and I was all wrapped up in the whole debut author thing. I should have paid more attention to my family and realised Lexi was struggling. I had no idea she was taking the painkillers in increasing quantities just to make it through the day.
‘I realise now she was probably clinically depressed as well as reliant on the drugs. I guess she hid her unhappiness because she didn’t want to ruin what was a dream come true for me with the book. She did a good job of hiding her despair from me.’ He shakes his head sadly. ‘But I hate myself for not havin
g been more aware of how she was really feeling.’
There’s a long silence. Then I ask, ‘Do you still love her? Lexi?’
He looks across at me, a slight frown on his face. ‘No. Too much bad stuff has happened for me to ever want her back. But for Maisie’s sake - and Beth’s – I wish she’d at least let us know she’s fine. And preferably happy and healthy.’
‘Do you think she’ll ever get in touch?’
He shrugs. ‘After all this time? I don’t think so. My guess is she’s turned her back on the misery of the past and made a new life somewhere, with someone else. Perhaps started a new family. I pray that’s the case. I just hope she managed to conquer her drug problem. Because otherwise . . . ’
A shiver runs through me as I think of Maisie. It doesn’t bear thinking about.
Zak gives me a sad smile. ‘Life dealt Lexi a rough hand. She wasn’t a bad person.’
I swallow. ‘And neither are you.’
He turns away, brushing this off.
‘You did the best you could in horrible circumstances,’ I protest.
‘By staying in bed all day feeling sorry for myself? And not giving enough thought to how Maisie was coping?’ He frowns. ‘I relied far too heavily on her seeming happy and settled with Beth. But it was a cop out. I was too scared to try coping alone.’
‘But Maisie was happy and settled with Beth! Children are great at adapting to their circumstances. But what’s also clear to me is that Maisie absolutely adores you and certainly doesn’t think you’ve let her down.’ I swallow hard and murmur, almost to myself, ‘You could be a proper family again.’
He leans forward on the sofa, gazing down at the floor.
Instinctively, I reach out and lay my hand on his back.
He acknowledges my touch with a half-turn of his head, and I glimpse the grim despair on his face. ‘Even if I wanted to, how could I be a full-time father to her now? The last thing I’d want is to upset Maisie’s world all over again by taking her away from the only home she knows.’
He gets up and walks to the window, staring out in silence. His shoulders are rigid with tension and my heart goes out to him.
Then he folds his arms and turns towards me. ‘The only way I can be a good father to Maisie now is to let her stay where she is, with Beth.’
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
A little while later, Zak walks over to Sylvia’s house and I fall gratefully into bed.
My head is all over the place after listening to Zak’s startling revelations but that doesn’t stop me falling into a deep sleep as soon as I put out the light.
Next morning, Maisie is awake early. I hear her chattering away to Beth in the kitchen as I surface. The fridge opens and closes. Spoons clink against crockery. Beth must be giving Maisie her breakfast.
I lie there for a while thinking about Zak’s desperately sad story. When he lost Lexi, he lost Maisie as well. How heart-breaking is that? It’s no wonder Zak Chamberlain has always seemed to me to be a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders . . .
I’m just coming out of the shower when Zak returns. Maisie whoops with delight and runs into his arms, and it’s so clear from the broad smile on Zak’s face that this little being is his whole world. How on earth does he cope not being able to see her every day?
If I had a child, I’d never want to be separated from them for a day – never mind weeks at a stretch. I have a feeling Zak limits the time he spends with Maisie because he doesn’t want her getting confused about where she belongs; where her home is. But how he manages to do that is beyond me. It must take such enormous self-control.
He meets my eyes over Maisie’s head and gives me a smile that acknowledges our in-depth discussion of the night before. He’s holding his daughter so close, my heart clenches painfully.
‘How’s Sylvia?’ I ask.
He smiles. ‘She’s much better. Sitting up in bed and planning what she’s going to bake this week for the café.’
‘Already?’ I stare at him, horrified.
He shakes his head. ‘Gran – that’s her sister, Agatha - is trying to persuade her to go back with her to Bournemouth for a while to convalesce. She’s adamant she’s fine and we should stop fussing, but if we all keep saying what a wonderful idea it is, hopefully she’ll eventually agree.’
‘Good idea,’ I say fervently. ‘She needs some rest before she thinks of coming back to the café.’
He nods. ‘She hates the idea of the café being shut for weeks. That’s probably the only thing that’s stopping her heading off for a bit of English Riviera sunshine. But I’m sure we’ll be able to convince her.’
‘Fancy coming for a walk?’ Zak asks, as we wave Beth off after breakfast.
‘Oh, no.’ I frown, not wanting to intrude on their precious time together. ‘I’m fine. You two go off and enjoy yourselves.’
‘But we’re going to feed the ducks,’ Maisie announces. ‘You have to come with us to feed the ducks.’
Zak grins. ‘There you go. Couldn’t have put it better myself.’
‘Well, if you don’t mind.’
‘We don’t mind, do we, Daddy?’
Zak shakes his head with a fond smile. ‘Of course not. In fact, we’d love the company.’
It’s a beautiful day, so we set off after making sandwiches for a picnic and raiding the fridge for stale bread to keep the ducks happy. Maisie runs down to the pond, with the two of us racing to keep up in case she goes headlong into the water.
After feeding the ducks, we take her to the swing park at the other end of the village green and she walks between us, holding our hands. At one point, I glance surreptitiously at Zak and he’s looking across at me, an intense look in his eyes. We give each other an awkward little smile and my heart soars. I’m in grave danger of getting hurt here. But I’m having too lovely a time right now to do the sensible thing and leave!
Maisie is delightful company, chattering all the time about her friend, Lucy, who lives in the same street and goes to ballet classes with her.
We lay out a rug in the warm, early May sunshine, and fling ourselves down to eat our picnic. Half-way through her sandwich, Maisie gets up and runs into the trees, emerging a minute later with a handful of little red berries. She shows them to Zak.
‘They’re wild strawberries,’ he says in surprise. ‘Where did you find them?’
She points to the woods. ‘In there.’
They go off on a hunt and I lie back on the rug, feeling relaxed and content, enjoying the feel of the warm breeze ruffling my hair.
When they return, they’ve collected quite a few of the tiny red fruits. Maisie solemnly picks some berries out of Zak’s palm and offers them to me.
I smile at her. ‘Thank you, Maisie.’ I pop one of the berries into my mouth and murmur with pleasure as the strawberry juice bursts on my tongue. ‘Ooh, they’re lovely. So sweet and delicious.’
Zak lies flat out on the grass and Maisie takes a running jump and lands on top of him, giggling. He laughs and pretends to tell her off, and she curls into him and lays her dark head next to his.
To look at them now, so relaxed and natural together, you’d never guess the heartache that lies beneath the surface. A father and daughter, separated by a terrible tragedy, whose time together is always limited and therefore so much more precious.
‘I could stay like this forever, especially if there are wild strawberries! Eh, Maisie Moo?’ Zak tickles his daughter and she squeals with delight.
*****
Later, Zak takes Maisie back to Beth’s.
We’ve just had a lovely tea, watching Maisie’s favourite programme. I wanted to let them have time to themselves but Maisie insisted I watch with them, so how could I refuse? Zak seemed quite happy for me to be there, too, which gave me a lovely warm glow inside.
After they’ve gone, the flat seems deathly quiet.
I lie on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. Today, spending time with Zak and Maisie, was so lovely and unexpected.
And it gave me a real insight into Zak’s mind, which has so far confused me. His up and down emotions have been difficult to understand, but now I know his sad story, I can sympathise so completely. He wants to be a proper, hands-on, full-time dad but he’s scared he’ll let Maisie down again.
My heart floods with emotion, reflecting on his sad predicament.
And thinking about Zak himself . . .
There was a time today, when we were having our picnic on the grass, when I felt a lovely warmth coming from him. Perhaps it was because with Maisie, he was happy and more relaxed – but several times, when our eyes met, they lingered a little longer than they should and I felt a breathless elation I haven’t experienced in forever. Even now, just thinking about those heady moments, a little shiver of delight runs through me.
After Richard, I thought I’d never want to be with a man again for a very long time.
But meeting Zak has changed my mind . . .
A pang of longing rips through me as I finally face the truth. The unthinkable has happened. However much I was desperately trying to resist it.
I’ve fallen for Zak . . .
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
So many conflicting thoughts are running through my head.
How long have I felt this way about Zak? From the moment he caught me in Sylvia’s oak tree? If that’s the case, I’ve done a pretty good job of denying it to myself! But I can’t deny it any longer. Just picturing his face, my whole body floods with feelings I never ever felt when I was with Richard.
At least I know now that the mysterious Beth isn’t his girlfriend! Perhaps I should abandon my rule of no men and take a chance . . . ?
But why would Zak want to be with me? He’s got enough complications in his world already, what with Maisie and his writer’s block. Even if he does - by some chance – like me, I doubt he has room in his life for a relationship.
I sigh. All of this inner turmoil and debate is completely irrelevant anyway if Zak doesn’t feel the same way about me as I feel about him.
