by Nina Levine
I wanted her in my life.
And in my bed.
***
I leant against the doorway of my bedroom and watched Evie sleep.
Peaceful.
Fuck, she was beautiful. I had a permanent fucking hard-on for her and, she had no idea. Not fucking her last night had been one of the toughest things I’d done in ages.
She stirred and a moment later her eyes came to mine. “Morning,” she said, and then she winced, placing a hand to her head.
I pushed off from the wall and walked to her side of the bed. Sitting on the edge, I passed her the water on the bedside table and two aspirins.
“Thank you,” she murmured, taking the pills from me. Once she’d swallowed them, she gave the glass back to me.
I stood and asked, “Do you have to work today?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, I’ll take you home so you can get ready and then I’ll take you to work. And then I’ll pick you up after work.”
“I can drive myself, Kick,” she said, her voice off. I thought we’d made progress last night but uncertainty now hit my gut.
“No, you can’t. You’ll be over the limit.”
She stared at me, in obvious pain from her headache, and I was sure she was about to argue with me again when she surprised the shit out of me and said, “Fine, you can drive me.”
“Good, that’s fuckin’ settled. I’ll wait for you in the kitchen.”
I left her to it, and a moment later I heard her crashing around in my bedroom. Relief hit me, thank fuck she’d agreed to let me drive her because she was definitely in no state to be driving.
When she appeared in the kitchen ten minutes later, I took in her hung-over state and fuck if my dick didn’t jerk again at the sight. This woman could make me want to fuck her even if she was dressed in a fucking sack and had a shaved head.
She’s it for me.
I grabbed my keys off the table and jerked my chin towards the front door. “You ready to go?”
She nodded and slowly headed outside. I followed close behind, watching her ass sway in that sexy-as-fuck black dress she’d worn to the pub last night. She’d ripped it off as soon as we’d gotten back to my place and done her best to get me to fuck her, but I’d had no intention of sleeping with her. Not in that state. No, the first time we had sex again, we’d both be sober. I needed to know she wanted this as much as I did. And until I got her to that point, I wasn’t laying a hand on her. As hard as that would fucking be.
***
I still hadn’t decided what I was gonna do about Peter and Gambarro when I picked Evie up from work that afternoon. Seeing her, though, pushed me towards the decision of getting involved. How the fuck could I let her father die?
I drove her home and insisted on walking her inside so we could finish our conversation from the other night.
“Okay,” she agreed, seemingly as keen to talk as I was.
Aside from the other night and this morning, I hadn’t been in Evie’s house for over a year. She lived about twenty minutes from me, in a small house she’d saved for years to buy. I clearly remembered the day I’d moved her in and we’d christened a few of the rooms. Back then, it had been in need of renovating and I’d helped her. It looked as if she’d done more since I’d been here last.
As we walked down the hall, I murmured, “I like what you’ve done with the place.”
“You like the colours I’ve added?”
I smiled. “Yeah, baby, I like it.” Evie loved colour and she’d painted feature walls throughout. Teal seemed to be her favourite colour these days, judging by the amount of it in her home.
We made it to the kitchen and she dropped her bag on the counter and looked up at me, seeming rather hesitant. “Why didn’t you sleep with me last night? I thought you were all up for sex and then you fobbed me off.”
That was unexpected, but I was more than happy to discuss it. “I am all for sex with you but not like that.”
“What does that mean, Kick?” she asked me, clearly frustrated.
“It means you’re worth more than a quick fuck to me. If I can’t have you... have your heart, then I don’t just want your body.”
Silence surrounded us as she processed that. I waited patiently. She had to relent soon.
Finally, she said, “I need more. It’s not enough for you to just show back up after all this time and say you’ve changed your mind.”
“What do you need? Tell me and I’ll give it to you.”
“I need all of you.”
My body stilled. She wanted the parts of me I didn’t want to give. She wanted the parts of me that no one in their right mind would want to know.
The parts she would run from if I showed her.
“No, you don’t.”
She stepped nearer to me. Our bodies were so close I could feel her warm breath on my skin, and fuck, I needed more.
I needed to feel her body on mine, her hair between my fingers, her pussy around my dick.
Her words at the end of the day.
Her love wrapped around me, taking all the shit away.
“I’ve known you since I was seven, Kick. You used to share yourself with me back then. Your thoughts and feelings. And then, after all the shit went down with our families, you started to pull away and when you joined Storm, it was like you disconnected from me. I tried so hard to get through to you, to let you know I loved you, all of you, but you never took that in. I get that there’s stuff you can’t tell me, and I don’t want to know the ins and outs of it all, but give me something. Anything. Show me you. Let me love you.”
Fuck.
I didn’t deserve her. She was lightness to my darkness and I had no idea how to combine the two. Or even if I wanted to.
I reached out and ran my finger lightly down her cheek. “I love you, Evie, but I don’t know how to do what you’ve asked. I can try, though,” I whispered, total honesty spilling from my lips.
She smiled sadly at me, a look of defeat in her eyes. “I know.”
When she moved away from me and just watched me in silence, I feared I’d fucked it all up.
I’m losing her again.
And then I did what I always did when fear and hopelessness threatened to overtake me - I resorted to anger and frustration. “This isn’t the fuckin’ end of this,” I snapped, and stalked out of the room without waiting for her response.
I didn’t need to see her rejection again.
I just needed to find a way to get through to her.
Chapter Nine
Evie
I hadn’t heard from Kick in two days. Not since he told me he didn’t know how to be in a relationship with me. My heart hurt and that pissed me off. Why did he have to show up and create these feelings when I was doing okay without him? And why did he struggle so much with letting me in? When we’d been together in the past, it was like Kick lived two lives. One with me, and one with his other family, the club. I could never work out why he kept the two completely separate. What kind of person doesn’t want to introduce you to his friends? It made me feel like shit when he refused to let me meet them. I wouldn’t put myself through that again.
I’d decided to try and put him out of my mind when I realised that would be impossible. Out of the question, actually, because when I visited my mother two days after he’d walked out of my house on an angry outburst, Kick was at her house again.
As I entered her kitchen, I asked, “Where is he? I saw his bike out front.”
She looked up from the vegetables she was cutting up and smiled at me. “He’s out the back, cleaning the gutters.”
“Why?”
She frowned. “I guess because he’s a nice guy and wanted to help me.”
“So he just dropped by and decided to do it for you?” I asked, incredulous.
“He told me he’d noticed them the other day, so that’s why he came back. Are you annoyed about it?”
I huffed out a breath. “I don’t know how I feel, Mum. I
’m like a big knot of stress at the moment. One minute I want him and then the next he pisses me off and I just want him to leave.” God, I felt like one of those whiny bitches I couldn’t fucking stand.
Just make up your mind already.
A huge smile spread across her face. “Baby, you’ve always loved Kick, and from what you just said, I don’t think that love is going anywhere soon. You two have always had that push and pull where you piss each other off, so that’s nothing new.”
“Maybe I don’t want a relationship like that anymore. Maybe I want something easier with no pissing each other.”
She laughed. “Oh, Evie... you’d be bored in a day.”
She was right and I fucking knew it.
And that pissed me off even more.
God damn it.
I left her and went in search of Kick. I found him and Braden up on the roof out the back. He didn’t realise I was there for a couple of minutes, so I took the opportunity to watch him and just soak him in. He was shirtless and his muscles rippled as he moved. And I had an awesome view of his ass, too, so every time he bent over, he blessed my eyes with that ass.
Oh god.
My mother was so right when she said I’d be bored without the push and pull Kick and I had.
I still love him.
With every fibre of my being.
With every scar he’d left on my heart.
I still want a life with him.
As I was caught up in my thoughts, he must have seen me. “Evie,” his voice filtered through and I blinked him into focus.
“Hi,” I said, smiling up at him.
“You staying long?” he asked, his frustration with me from the other day gone.
I had a couple of things to do, one of them being to visit my dad to get more information out of him about the guy he owed money to. I’d been desperately trying to find a way to borrow the money but I’d still had no luck yet so I figured maybe we could negotiate with the guy. “I’ve gotta go and see Dad but I’ll be here for a while.”
A look of irritation crossed his face, and he said, “I’ll be down in a minute.”
“Okay.” I had no idea what the irritation was about but I figured he would clue me in soon.
“Hey, Evie,” Braden called out, waving to me.
I waved back. “Hey, Braden. Long time, no see.”
“Yeah. I reckon it’s about time you two got your shit sorted,” he said with a huge grin.
I waved him away with a flick of my hand. “Yeah, yeah... you wouldn’t be the first person to say that.”
He laughed a huge belly laugh. “Well got on that, woman.”
I shook my head and laughed. “I’ll leave you guys to it. I’m going back inside out of the heat.”
“Have a coldie waiting for me,” Braden said.
I smiled to myself. I’d missed the banter with Kick’s brother. Although our parents had killed their relationship, us kids had stayed friends, but when Kick and I had broken up the last time, I’d cut all ties. I’d needed to put distance between us, and being friends with his family would make that hard.
As I turned to walk back inside, I caught a glimpse of Kick standing on the roof staring down at me. He seemed surprised about something, and I couldn’t figure out what, so I just gave him a smile and continued on.
My phone rang a second later and I answered it absently. “Hi,” I said, having no idea who it was because I hadn’t even checked the caller id.
“What’s got you all distracted?” Maree asked.
Thank god. I could get her perspective on this before I saw Kick again. “Who do you think?”
“I am guessing it’s that hot man of yours.” I could practically hear her licking her lips.
“He’s not my man. But fuck, I think I want him to be.”
“Of course you do, babe. I mean, who wouldn’t?”
I laughed. “No, Maree, I mean I really do want him. Not just for his body.”
She grew serious. “As in, you still love him?”
I sighed. “I never stopped loving him. I just didn’t want to admit it. But I don’t know how we can make it work with all the baggage between us.”
“If you want him, you have to fight for him. You have to work out what’s holding you back and find a way to get rid of it. ‘Cause I’ve gotta say, you’re an amazing woman, Evie, but you came alive when you were with Kick the other night. I’ve never seen you light up like that. On your own, you kick ass, but I can only imagine how awesome you’d be with Kick by your side.”
Shit.
I knew what it was.
It’s funny how you can be searching for an answer for a long time and then someone says something and it’s like the block is moved and you can see clearly.
Fuck.
It wasn’t Kick after all.
It was me.
“I know what’s holding me back.”
“What?”
“Me.”
“Huh?”
I sighed. It was so stupid I didn’t even want to tell her. “After my mother slept with Kick’s father and the shit hit the fan, everyone in the neighbourhood called her a slut and then they called me a slut. They said I was just like her. I was sixteen and had never even had sex, and yet they were spreading all these nasty rumours about me. The girls at school bullied me and I lost pretty much all my self-esteem. I never felt good enough. I never felt like anyone would want or choose to be my friend after that. So, when Kick chose not to introduce me to his friends when we were dating, all the insecurities I thought I’d put behind me flared up, and I felt like I wasn’t good enough.” I paused and ran my hand through my hair. “Shit, Maree, it was me all along. My stupid negative self talk that I didn’t even realise. And I’m supposed to be a fucking counsellor.”
“Oh, babe, don’t beat yourself up about it. We all have hang-ups and blind spots. At least you’ve figured it out now,” she reassured me.
“Yeah,’ I murmured, and then said, “Shit, sorry, I hijacked the conversation. What did you ring for?”
“No worries, babe, I was just calling to see if you wanted to go out for a drink tonight?”
“I might pass. I’ve gotta sort some stuff out with my dad, and now I think I want to talk to Kick.”
“Sounds like that might be a good idea.”
“I’ll call you and let you know how it goes,” I promised, and we hung up.
A noise came from behind me and I spun around to find Kick standing there, his intense gaze on me.
“You still love me?” he asked gruffly. His shoulders were rigid and his breathing shallow while he waited for my answer.
My heart beat faster in my chest and my tummy fluttered. “You heard all that?” I whispered.
He nodded. “Yeah, baby, but answer me. Do you still love me?” The fierceness in his voice turned me on and made me want to crawl into his arms and beg him to be mine forever.
“Yes,” I said, finally admitting out loud what I had been denying for so long.
He took that in but didn’t say anything else for what felt like ages, and then he shoved his fingers through his hair, messing it up more than it already was. The energy between us vibrated with want and the frustration we’d both been feeling for too long. And then he stepped into my space. One arm slid around my waist and his other reached up to cup my cheek. He brushed his thumb over my lips in the way he’d always liked to do, and he murmured, “I’ve always loved you and you’ve always been good enough. Fuck, I’m the one who’s not good enough.” He stopped talking for a minute and his eyes left mine to look down at my lips. When he returned his gaze to mine, he said, “I wish you’d told me how it made you feel. I didn’t keep you out of that part of my life because you weren’t good enough. I did it because I didn’t want to drag you into that shit.” He bent his face closer to mine so our lips were almost touching, and my core clenched at the closeness. “You’re too good for it, baby,” he whispered.
I pressed myself into him and wrapped my arms
around his body, loving that my hands were on him again, after having denied myself his touch for so long. A growl rumbled up from his chest and heat flashed in his eyes. And then we both moved at the same time.
Our lips met and it was like everything was right in my world again. This was exactly where I was meant to be in this moment.
With Kick.
The man I’d loved as a boy when he used to let me ride his bike because I didn’t have one.
The man I’d loved as a teenager when he took on the mean girls for me, and wiped my tears away when I didn’t feel good enough.
The man I’d loved at eighteen when I gave him my virginity and he treasured that for what it was.
The man I still loved for so many reasons, but mostly because he got me. He knew all my hopes, fears and flaws, and loved me regardless.
My mouth parted and his tongue slid in.
Possessive.
Demanding.
Loving.
I moaned and his arm around my waist tightened, and he pulled me closer, pushing his erection into me. Lust shot through me and I knew this was it.
This was the moment I was giving myself back to him.
Kick was mine.
I was Kick’s.
He ended the kiss and leant his forehead against mine. “Fuck, Evie... you’ve got no idea what you fuckin’ do to me.” He lifted his head so he could look me in the eyes. “You give me hope I can be a better man, that I’m not just the sum of all the bad shit I’ve done in my life.”
I frowned. “You’re not a bad person, Kick.”
He closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them again, the desolation I saw there pierced my heart. “Yeah, I am, baby,” he whispered, cracking my heart a little more.
I opened my mouth to argue with him some more, but his phone rang and interrupted us.
He pulled it out and checked who it was. “Sorry, I’ve gotta get this,” he said with regret, and walked away from me to take the call.
I waited for him to return, doing my best to recover from our kiss and my realisations. He wasn’t gone long, but when he came back to me, the Kick who’d been with me a minute ago was gone, and in his place was the guy who looked at me through hard eyes. This was the Kick I didn’t know so well but so desperately wanted to know and understand.
