by TT Kove
‘Is it weird that I’ve really started to like you? I mean, we’ve just met.’
He paused in his chewing as his gaze landed on me.
‘Well, in that case I’m weird too.’
My heart literally jumped into my throat. I swallowed and swallowed, trying to be rid of the lump that had stuck. I didn’t manage it though, so I settled on smiling at him.
His gaze dropped to my mouth, and he stared for a very long second, until his eyes darted away. He started chewing again.
I was pretty sure I could see a distinct flush on his cheeks.
I bit my lip to keep from smiling wider. If I were to guess his thoughts just then I would likely be right.
Kissing.
I hadn’t kissed him since we’d gone to the cinema and that had ended in disaster. I wanted to kiss him again, and judging by his reaction just now, I was sure he wouldn’t mind if I did.
‘What are you going to do once summer’s over?’ He wanted to change the subject, and I was happy to let him.
‘Retake the last year of A-levels. I know I failed my exams because I didn’t even finish them.’ I twined my fingers together, nervous all of a sudden. ‘I was in a real bad place. So bad I was hospitalised, for the third time in two years.’
He took another bite of his sandwich as if it wasn’t a big deal. Or maybe he was trying to hide his real feelings for me.
I couldn’t tell. I couldn’t read him.
‘I’m in therapy four times a week. Two with my therapist and two in group therapy.’
‘Group therapy?’ That seemed to catch his interest. ‘How’s that working out for you?’
I shrugged.
‘Okay, I guess. But I prefer to just talk with Vincent. We’ve got more of a connection.’
He nodded his head.
‘My therapist suggested group therapy for me.’
‘You’re in therapy?’
‘Yeah.’ He shrugged it off like it wasn’t that big a deal. ‘Used to go often, a few years ago, but now I generally make an appointment if I feel I need it.’
I bit my lip to keep from asking why he was in therapy. It was personal—and if he wanted to share, he would, in his own time. At least I hoped he would.
‘What are you going to do afterwards?’ he asked.
‘Don’t know. I should go home. The family’s leaving today and they’ve been here for me, so I should say goodbye to them.’ He was starting work once we’d finished eating, so it wasn’t like I could spend the day with him.
‘How many family members are here?’
‘Six. Grandma, my aunt and uncle, and their three kids.’
‘Wow. That’s a handful.’
‘Mmm. They are. I mean, I love them and all, but they’re too much at times. Especially my cousins. Though I should apologise to Cooper for just leaving him at the club.’ I felt bad about that. Mum had said he’d been looking for me, so he must’ve been worried. ‘I guess I should stay home tonight.’ I didn’t want to though.
‘We can see each other tomorrow,’ he said, apparently oblivious to just how much I didn’t want to spend the night at home. ‘I’ve got the early shift tomorrow, so we can meet up after?’
‘Yeah, that sounds good.’ As long as I got to spend time with him, I’d be happy. I wished he didn’t have to work, so we could spend more time together.
‘You should eat.’ He motioned towards my untouched sandwich.
It was delicious, once I finally took a bite.
He glanced over my shoulder, upwards at something.
I turned in my seat to see what he was looking at. It was a clock.
‘My shift’s starting. Want to come in back with me while I change?’
I nodded, eager, and took my plate with me.
He carried his own into the kitchen, as he’d already finished his own food.
I sat down on the sofa and continued to chew small pieces at a time while he went to the small row of lockers. He took a black shirt out from the locker, as well as a black apron. He already had on black trousers.
‘Are you planning on working here once school starts?’
‘Yeah. But not as much as I used to. When I was in college, I worked most evenings, but I doubt I’ll be able to do that once I start medical school. It’s going to be tough.’
He pulled off his jumper and it caused the tee he was wearing underneath to hitch up so I could freely ogle the pale, bare skin over the hem of his trousers. Once the jumper was off and his arms dropped back down, so did the tee, hiding his skin from view again.
‘What’s your flatmate going to do? Is he going to medical school too?’
He chuckled.
‘Silver’s apprenticing with a tattoo artist. College was more than enough school for him. He’s doing what he’s always wanted to do, and he’s happy with it.’
‘That’s nice. To know what he wants to do. You too.’ I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to do anything. Who would hire a mentally unstable person, after all?
‘You’ll figure it out. If you have to retake your A-levels, you still have another year to go.’ He cast me a small smile over his shoulder. He was buttoning up his shirt now, and he did it all up before he turned back to face me.
‘I hope so.’ I finished the sandwich. Seemed I had it in me after all, to actually finish all the food on my plate. ‘I have to come eat here more often. This was good.’
Another small smile as he tied his apron around his hips.
‘I have to go. My shift has started.’
I stood up, anxiety coursing through me all of a sudden.
‘Tomorrow, right? We’ll see each other again then?’ I didn’t want our paths to split, not even for a little while.
‘Yeah. Tomorrow.’ His gaze rested on me and we stood facing each other like that, the silence stretching between us.
I wanted to kiss him. He’d said last night that he’d liked it when I kissed him… But as I took a step forward, the door opened, and the light-haired bloke with the northern accent stepped into the room.
‘Oh. Hey.’ He smiled at us.
‘See you tomorrow.’ Damian cast me one last fleeting glance, then brushed past his co-worker.
I stared after him, dejected.
‘I’m Leslie.’ The blond bloke offered his hand.
I blinked at it, then realised he was introducing himself, so I shook it.
‘Hey. I’m Josh.’
‘Nice to meet you, Josh.’ He had a sweet smile, one that was friendly without any kind of judgement.
‘You too.’ I was bad at small talk.
What more was I supposed to say? What had I said to Damian? Not a whole lot. But then he’d approached me when I was utterly depressed, and he’d taken me in and fixed me up. There’d been no small talk there.
‘So you’re a friend of Damian’s?’ He ventured over to his locker and started unbuttoning the black shirt that was a replica of the one Damian had just changed into.
‘Yeah. You worked together long?’
‘Almost two years. He started a little while before I did. Don’t really know him though.’ He flashed me a grin.
‘You’ve worked together two years and you don’t know him?’ That was kind of hard to comprehend.
‘He’s not exactly the kind of person who’s open to new acquaintances. Spencer, our third co-worker, doesn’t know him either. He’s not interested in socialising with us.’
He’d just finished talking when another bloke walked into the room. This one was brown-haired and wore glasses.
He also seemed to only have eyes for Leslie.
‘You ready to head out?’
‘Just a sec.’ Leslie took off his shirt and put on a hooded jumper. ‘This is Josh. He’s a friend of Damian’s. Josh, this is Spencer.’
The last co-worker.
I shook hands with him, and he too had a friendly smile. I liked them.
‘I didn’t know Damian had any friends besides that big, fit, tattooed bloke.’
<
br /> ‘Fit?’ Leslie jabbed an elbow into Spencer’s side. ‘You think he’s fit?’
‘Well, he is.’ Spencer’s hand settled around Leslie’s waist, and that was the moment I realised they were together.
They seemed to be comfortable around each other, like they’d been together a long time and knew each other well.
‘You’ve said it too, so you can’t come here and abuse me for it.’
Leslie laughed.
‘All right, he’s fit. Do you agree?’ The last question was directed at me.
‘Uh.’ I was flustered. They were talking about Damian’s best mate. I knew he was kind and a good friend, but I hadn’t given his looks any thought. I’d only had eyes for Damian since I met him. ‘I guess.’ I couldn’t disagree with them, because Silver wasn’t ugly. Not by a long shot. It was just that Damian was more my type.
They both smiled at me again as they moved towards the door.
‘Nice to meet you,’ Spencer said.
‘See you around.’ Leslie gave me a little wave.
I stood for a moment, just taking in the kindness and the sweetness of the two of them. They’d seemed normal and happy. I wished I could look like that sometime.
But that was too much to hope for.
At times I had hopes I too could be happy. Like today, with Damian. I could dream and I could hope. But I knew it would turn. That the hope wouldn’t last. Because that’s what it was like to be me. A big old mess of emotions.
But Damian liked me.
That brightened up my day. I just hoped it would last.
They were all home and gathered in the living room. I took a tentative step inside, my eyes darting from one to the other.
Mum stood up and came rushing towards me.
‘Come with me for a bit.’ She led me out of the living room and into my bedroom.
I sat down on the edge of my bed, nervous for what was coming next. Yesterday hadn’t ended well when we’d talked.
She took my desk chair and wheeled it over so she could sit directly in front of me. Her eyes were big and sad.
‘Joshua. I’m sorry. Yesterday… I didn’t tell you clearly.’
‘Tell me what?’
‘Just how much I love you.’ She reached out, palms cupping my face and her thumbs stroking my cheekbones. ‘I never showed you when you were little and I regret that so much. But I’m making up for it now. Or at least I’m trying to. I didn’t mean to make it sound like I didn’t want you here yesterday, because I do. I don’t ever want you to leave me, Joshua. But I thought it would be best for you if you went with them, at least until college starts up. I just thought you’d like to get away. I’m sorry if I was mistaken in that.’
I’d let my eyes fall closed while she spoke, because her hands on my face, her obvious affection, felt good.
When she finished, however, I opened them and looked straight into hers.
‘I want to stay here.’ I couldn’t leave the city now, not when I’d just met Damian.
She nodded jerkily.
‘Then that’s what you’ll do. That’s what I want too, you know that right? But if you wanted something different, I would’ve dealt with it.’
‘I like staying with Damian.’ It came out a whisper.
She frowned in confusion for a moment before her expression brightened.
‘The boy from last night?’
‘Yeah.’
‘When’d you meet him? Last time I checked you didn’t have any fr—‘ She cut herself off from finishing that sentence, probably afraid I’d lose it again.
‘It’s okay. You can say it. I don’t have any friends.’ That was easy to admit—not so easy to do anything about. ‘He’s my friend, though. I really like him.’
Her eyes searched my face as her eyebrows drew together again. She understood I liked him more than a friend, and she wasn’t sure what to feel about it.
‘Be careful, Joshua. I don’t want you to get hurt again, in any kind of way.’
‘You know that’s going to happen, Mum. Even if he means to or not. I can’t be trusted. You know that.’
‘That’s not true.’ Her grip on my face tightened. ‘You have difficulty controlling your emotions. That’s not the same as you can’t be trusted.’
‘But I can’t,’ I argued. ‘It’s not just my emotions. It’s the impulsivity and all of the other symptoms too. I can’t trust myself, so how can someone else ever trust me?’
She pressed her lips into a thin line.
‘I love you no matter what. I hope you know that.’
I nodded.
I knew it now, when she said it.
‘We’re all going out to eat later, to say goodbye. They leave this evening. Grandma will stay here for a while longer, though.’
‘I know.’
The rest of the family had jobs and stuff to get back to, but Grandma didn’t have anything. She’d been a housewife all her life, and once her husband had died, long before I was born, she’d been living off her inheritance. She was kind of… rich. She probably wouldn’t have to lift a finger for the rest of her life if she didn’t want to.
It was a surreal thought.
Mum was well-off too, but she didn’t show it. She went to work everyday and lived sparsely.
After she divorced Andrew, after he was arrested, she sold the big house and moved into a small flat. One with only two bedrooms, one for her and one for me.
The rest of them had to stay in a hotel, but Grandma would get Mum’s bedroom now while Mum slept in her office.
‘Will you come to dinner with us? They’d all like it very much if you did.’
‘Yeah. Okay.’ I managed a small, tight smile. ‘But until we leave, I think I’ll just stay here.’
Mum seemed to understand. She leant forward to kiss my forehead, then let her hands fall away from my face.
‘I’ll come get you when we’re ready to leave.’
She closed the door after her when she left.
I fell back down on the bed and rubbed my hands over my face. Dinner would be nice, I reckoned, and then they’d leave and everything would be calm and quiet again.
A soft knock sounded on the door.
‘Yeah?’ I pushed up on my elbows so I could see who it was.
‘Hey, can I come in for a bit?’ It was Cooper.
‘Yeah, sure.’
He came inside and sat down on the chair Mum had just vacated. He took me in, from head to toe.
‘I’m sorry about the other night. I should’ve watched out for you more.’
‘It’s okay, Coop. Really.’ I’d ended up with Damian, so I wasn’t complaining at all.
‘You sure?’ He actually seemed pretty torn about it.
‘Yeah. My night ended—well, not fantastic, considering I was smashed, but the next morning was pretty good.’
A slow smile spread on Cooper’s lips.
‘You’ve met someone, haven’t you?’
‘Maybe.’ My sudden blush gave me away.
He smiled wider.
‘Boy or girl?’
‘Boy.’ Obviously. Girls had never been of any interest to me.
‘That’s great, Josh. I’m happy for you.’ He leant back in the chair, getting comfortable. ‘Is he good?’
‘Good? Yeah.’
There was a wicked gleam in Cooper’s eye.
‘I meant is he good in bed?’
‘Oh!’
I should’ve known. I might’ve been a bit of a slag before, but Cooper had me beat. He probably had all his siblings beat too, if you put tall three of them together. But Cooper was experienced, and he probably had more of a relationship with his conquests than I’d ever had. I’d usually been dumped right after the shag.
‘He doesn’t want to… you know.’ I couldn’t get myself to say the s-word. ‘Is that normal?’
Cooper scrunched his nose up.
‘I’ve never met a bloke who doesn’t want sex. That is weird. Sure he’s into you as much as you’
re into him?’
‘No. I don’t know.’ My head lolled back and forth on my shoulder. I’d been so sure last night, and this morning, but now that I wasn’t in his presence I wasn’t sure anymore. ‘No. Maybe not.’
‘Trust me. There’s not a single bloke out there who doesn’t want a hole to stick their dicks.’
‘He’s never been with anyone else either.’ Cooper’s words weren’t exactly reassuring.
Cooper blinked.
‘Maybe he’s shy? Like, mad shy.’
‘Yeah, maybe.’
‘Or maybe he’s asexual.’
‘Asexual?’
‘I thought that was a myth. I’ve never met a person who doesn’t like sex. I mean, sex is amazing.’
I lay back down on the bed so I could stare up at the ceiling.
‘I really like him. It’s weird, since we’ve just met and all, but I feel like we have a connection.’
‘Now that’s rare too.’
‘What?’
‘Love at first sight.’
I snorted.
‘It’s not love at first sight, Coop.’
‘Lust at first sight, then.’
I shook my head.
‘It’s not that either. I mean, I wouldn’t mind jumping into bed with him, but last night… He pointed out to me how nice it was just to lie in bed, all close and snuggly, without the expectations of sex. It was great. I’ve never done that with another person before. Before it was all about a bang’—or getting affection through a shag, which never worked—‘but this isn’t. This is more. This is better.’
Cooper stared down at me.
‘Wow. You’re getting all sappy in your old age.’
‘Old age.’ I chuckled. ‘I’m like three months older than you. I don’t think that counts as being old.’
‘Maybe not.’ Cooper put his feet up on the bed and leant back further in the chair. ‘I’m happy for you though. That you’ve met someone. Maybe things will get easier, huh?’
‘Yeah.’ I could only hope.
I didn’t think it was likely. Love, or something like it, couldn’t fix what was wrong with me.
Nothing could.
I hate my room.
I don’t know why. It’s not like I have any bad memories from it.
