by TT Kove
I didn’t care about any of that romantic shit, however, and I never had. Never would.
‘It’s a day for lovers to, you know, express their love more thoroughly than any other day of the year.’ Silver watched me with an expression I could only classify as amused. ‘There were so many couples at the studio today, getting all kinds of lovey tattoos done.’
‘Why aren’t you celebrating the day with Kian?’
‘Because he’s working late.’ He grabbed his phone, to presumably check the time because he put it right back down again. ‘He’s coming over the minute he’s done at work though. He got stuck with closing the salon on bloody Valentine’s day.’
‘Sucks, mate,’ I murmured, but not really feeling it. I didn’t see the point.
He full-out laughed at me now.
‘Go apologise. Normal people tend to think of Valentine’s as a pretty big deal, you know.’
Neither Josh nor I could be classified as normal… but he clearly hoped for something today, so…
I headed back to my own room.
Josh was sitting cross-legged on the bed, fumbling with a small box he held in his hands. He put it away when he caught sight of me, hiding it behind his back.
I sat down next to him.
‘I’m sorry. I’m not very good at this.’
‘I know it’s not your thing.’ He smiled slightly.
My chest squeezed tight. Josh always tried hard to downplay his own feelings and I hated it. I wanted to fix it, to do something for him, but I didn’t know what. I’d never done anything like this before. I was fumbling around in the dark.
‘I got you something though.’ He reached behind him and presented the box he’d been fumbling with earlier. ‘I don’t know if you’ll like it or if you’ll wear it, but I saw it and thought of you, so…’ He trailed off nervously.
I covered his hands with my own.
‘You didn’t have to get me anything. But thanks.’ I flipped the box open. Inside was a thin, silver bracelet. There was nothing extravagant about it, it was plain and simple and exactly how I preferred.
Now I felt even worse for not having realised what day it was.
‘Thank you, Josh.’ I slid an arm around his shoulder in a tight hug. ‘I’m sorry I—I didn’t know.’
‘It’s okay.’ He hugged me back with both arms, sliding them around my back and holding on tight. ‘I know this isn’t your thing. Romance and the like.’
‘You should tell me when there’s something you’re looking forward to.’ I drew back just enough so I could look into his green eyes. ‘Like Valentine’s day. It’s better you tell me beforehand, so I’ll know. So you won’t be disappointed when the day comes. I have no idea what I’m doing, so… just being told would be nice.’
His smile grew a little in size.
‘You know, I like that you’re kind of clueless. I’m too, really. Guess we both just have to figure this out as we go.’
I cupped the back of his neck in the palm of my hand, tilting his head forward so our foreheads gently thudded together. ‘I love you.’ I was getting better at telling him that. They were true too. I did love him. Maybe too much, considering we’d only been together half a year. It was everything else I had issues with—never my love for him.
His smile had turned soft now, fond.
‘I love you too, Damian. A lot.’
He kissed me and I relaxed into it, like I’d eventually learned to do. Kissing Josh was nice. His lips were soft and warm and pliant.
‘Happy Valentine’s Day,’ he murmured against my lips.
‘I’m going to do better next year,’ I promised, making a mental note to put it in my calendar. Or else I would forget it.
‘Mmm,’ he hummed as he grabbed a hold of the front of my tee. ‘I think you’re doing pretty well right now.’
I chuckled at that but went willingly when he pulled me with me into a horizontal position.
Our lips met again and I couldn’t think of a better way to spend Valentine’s. This was much better than flowers or chocolate or any other romantic nonsense.
17
Scarred For Life
Josh
I woke to something that had never happened before.
Damian was pressed up against me, which wasn’t all that unusual. Though he wasn’t normally a big fan of cuddling, he made exceptions for me.
No, what was unusual was what pressed against my back.
He’s hard.
The observation repeated itself again and again inside my head.
That means he wants sex after all.
It was suddenly hard to breathe.
Now, I can finally show him what I’m good at. Besides freaking out at every little thing.
I slid my right arm under the duvet and rested it on his hip. He didn’t move. His breathing was still deep. Was that a good sign or a bad one? I inched my hand down, to the front of his pyjama trousers. We always slept in pyjamas. I hadn’t even seen him naked yet.
But a part of him begged for some attention now, and I would give it to it.
There came a sound from him when I pressed the palm of my hand against his hard cock. It sounded like a startled intake of breath. I wasn’t sure if he was awake or not yet though, so I just kept the pressure and rubbed a bit. I’d always liked it when someone rubbed me when I was hard.
‘Josh.’ His voice was sleep-muffled.
‘Yeah?’ I pushed myself back, flush in against him. I felt brave and decided to take it a step further, so I slipped my hand down his trousers and started rubbing his cock outside his boxers.
I should’ve expected his reaction, but I didn’t.
He pushed away from me so fast that the hem of his pyjama trousers snapped against his skin once my hand was forced free.
‘What are you doing?’
I sat up and hunched in on myself.
He was at the foot of the bed, eyes wide and gaze locked on me. He’d drawn his feet up, hiding that part of his body from my view.
‘You wanted it,’ I said, motioning stupidly with my hand.
‘No!’ He jumped off the bed. ‘I don’t!’ And with that, he was out of the room.
I was left there, shaken and uncertain. I heard no sounds, so I didn’t think he was coming back anytime soon. He’d been very upset.
So I dressed quietly, got my journal, phone, and wallet, then left the flat.
There was a light drizzle outside, and I pulled the hood of my jacket up to protect me from it. I also put my journal inside my jacket so it wouldn’t be ruined.
It was the journal he’d given me the first night we met and it was precious to me. I’d almost used up all the space in it by now, so I’d need a new one soon, but until then, I couldn’t bear to be without it.
I let myself into my mum’s flat, and then preceded to almost walk right into her.
‘Joshua!’ Her hands braced against my shoulder, presumably to keep herself balanced. ‘God, you near gave me a heart attack there.’
‘I think you’re a bit too young to have one of those.’ I smiled faintly.
She cocked her head to the side.
‘Everything all right? You’re home rather early.’
‘I don’t think so.’
Her eyebrows rose.
‘You don’t know?’
‘I did something.’
‘For Damian?’
I chewed on my lip.
‘To him, actually. It wasn’t appreciated.’ Maybe it was TMI; maybe she wouldn’t even understand what exactly it was I had done. It wasn’t like she knew we hadn’t ever had sex, after all.
I was pretty sure she believed we were like any other normal couple out there. Everyone believed that.
But we weren’t.
‘I’m sure it’ll blow over.’ Her touch went from bracing herself, to being a comfort to me. ‘It always does. Just give it a few hours. You’ve got an appointment with Vincent today, haven’t you?’
‘Yeah.’ In a few hours. Whi
ch meant I’d have a few hours to kill, all by myself.
‘Good. Talk to him about it, maybe he can offer some insight? It’s better to do that than to tell me all your intimate details, I reckon.’
I chuckled.
‘Well, yeah.’
‘Remember today’s dinner too. Harriet’s nephew is finally joining us. Unless he pulls out at the last minute again.’
‘I’ll be down at the Café by the time Harriet’s off,’ I promised.
‘I’ll meet you both there.’ She stepped in close and placed a kiss on my cheek. It wasn’t often she did that; mostly she kept to hugs. Intimacy was difficult for her, too, after all. So I appreciated the gesture all the more. ‘I have to dash. I’m a bit late for work this morning.’
‘Okay.’ I stepped out of the way. ‘Have a good day.’
She smiled at me as she brushed past.
‘You too, everything considered.’
Instead of going to my room, like I’d planned, I curled up on the sofa. I put the telly on for background noise, but I didn’t pay particular attention to it. I had too much on my mind, like how big an idiot I was.
I knew Damian didn’t like sex, that he didn’t want it, and just because he’d been hard, I’d pushed the issue. How many times had he told me he wasn’t interested in sex at all?
I was, though. Or at least, I thought I was.
It had been so long since I’d had sex that I’d almost forgotten what it felt like. But I had been good at it. I’d been having it since I was a young boy, after all, though that hadn’t been by my choice.
I snapped the rubber band on my wrist. I wore several of them on both my wrists, by Vincent’s suggestion. Apparently, snapping them made the same sort of pain as cutting did. I wasn’t so sure, but it did help the agitation at times. Though with the cutting, actually seeing the blood helped too, along with the pain from the cuts themselves.
I didn’t want to slip up, though. I’d been doing so well the past months, since I got out of hospital. I didn’t want to go down that road again, though I knew it would be inevitable eventually.
I was weak—after a while, I just couldn’t stop myself.
The clock ticked up on the wall. Still hours until I would be seeing Vincent.
Dammit.
What was I going to do until then?
Vincent’s office was spacious, with a wide oak desk on one side of the room and a sofa on the other big enough for at least three people.
‘Morning, Josh. How’re you feeling today?’ Vincent stood from behind his desk and came over to sit in the chair opposite the sofa, which I had sunk down on.
I had my journal clutched to my chest and I could see his eyes taking it in.
‘Not so good.’ Honesty was important. Vincent couldn’t be of any help if I wasn’t honest.
‘Has something happened?’ He had a notebook perched on his knee, but his focus was solely on me.
‘I did something really stupid to Damian.’ I looked down at my fingers clenched around my journal. ‘I don’t even know why I did it, as I know it wouldn’t be received well, but I just thought…’
‘What did you do?’ Vincent prompted, when I trailed off without saying anything else.
This would be awkward, after all. Vincent was Damian’s best friend’s brother. They had known each other long before Damian and I had even met.
‘Something sexual.’
‘And he didn’t like it?’ Vincent knew we weren’t having sex. I told him everything, after all.
I shook my head.
‘He freaked out.’
‘What happened afterwards?’
‘He left the room. I left the flat.’ I put the journal down beside me on the sofa, then wrung my hands together.
‘Why did you do that?’ He made a small note now, but I couldn’t see what it was.
‘He didn’t come back into the room, so obviously, he didn’t want to talk. He pushed me away. I think he was horrified about what I did.’
Vincent tapped his pen against the notebook thoughtfully.
‘Why did you do it in the first place?’
‘I woke up and he was hard. I thought maybe he was finally ready. He wasn’t.’ I hung my head in shame.
‘Do you remember your problem when you first came to see me?’
‘Hmm?’ I frowned in confusion.
‘About how you were forced to do something you didn’t want to do, but your body betrayed you by liking it a lot of the time?’
Andrew’s abuse. Sex with Andrew.
How could I ever forget?
‘Ye-yeah.’
‘Maybe it’s a bit like that for Damian? He doesn’t want sex, which he’s been vocal about, but his body might betray him sometimes by reacting in certain ways. Maybe it’s his body that horrifies him when it goes against what he wants? Not you.’
I blinked several times.
‘Maybe.’ It sounded legit. ‘But he just left the room. He didn’t even say anything, just that he didn’t want it.’
‘Maybe he was embarrassed? Don’t we all get embarrassed when our body does something that goes against our wants and needs?’
‘I guess.’ I’d sure been. All those countless times the sex with Andrew had been good. It had taken Vincent ages to make me believe it hadn’t been my fault, that I shouldn’t have to be embarrassed over it. The body liked what it liked, no matter what the mind thought of the matter. ‘Do you think we’ll ever have sex?’
‘I don’t know. Depends on how open he is to it. Do you want to?’
‘Yes. Maybe. I don’t know.’ I wrung my hands together again. ‘I’ve had sex after Andrew was taken into custody. I have been with other people and it has been good. But I don’t know. I guess I like my life now, even if it is one without sex. I’ve got a boyfriend, I’ve got friends, I’ve got my mum. Got everything I need, really. Is sex really that important?’
‘That’s for you to figure out, Josh.’
How could I figure something like that out? My mind was a mystery to me still, and I couldn’t even control my emotions. How could I figure something like that out all by myself?
‘Is sex something that’s required of relationships? What’s so special about it, besides the fact that it feels good? Lots of other things feel good too.’
Vincent regarded me calmly.
‘People feel closer. It’s the ultimate form of intimacy. Or so they say. But that’s not to mean that people who have sex are closer to each other than people who don’t. Everyone is different; not one couple is the same.’
‘So, we should do what’s right for us?’
‘Exactly.’ He smiled, like what I’d just deducted was a feat worthy of applause. ‘If you do what you think is standard and “normal”, then you won’t be truly happy, will you? Do what feels right for you, for both of you, and you’ll both be happier for it.’
‘So a relationship without sex is okay?’
‘If that’s the right thing for you, then of course it is.’
‘People are going to think we’re freaks. People already think I am.’ I reckoned anyway. No one had ever said it to my face.
But people kept out of my way at college, like it was all my fault Mal had killed himself. Like they knew all my dirty little secrets and wanted nothing to do with it.
‘What do other people have to do with it, Josh?’ Vincent asked gently. ‘Isn’t your happiness the main focus? Don’t care about what others say. I promise they’ve got skeletons in their closets they don’t want to come out either. You don’t have to share anything about your relationship if you don’t want to. A relationship is private, especially what goes on in your bedroom, and if you want to keep it that way, that’s your right.’
‘Only share what I’m comfortable sharing.’ I paraphrased what he’d said so many times before when I’d been in tangles over one thing or another. I reckoned he was right. My private life was mine, and no one else’s business. ‘I should apologise to Damian.’
Vin
cent only smiled at me again.
‘I did something stupid. I can own up to it. It wasn’t his fault.’ I knew my disorder, I knew I had it easy to blame everything on other people, but I’d been with Vincent for almost three years now, and I’d learned a thing or two.
Like to take the blame for things that obviously were my fault, even if it was humiliating.
‘How does that make you feel, Josh?’
‘Stupid. Ashamed. Like I’m an idiot.’
‘Don’t be so hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes.’
True, but…
‘But not everyone blows them out of proportion.’
‘Not everyone has borderline personality disorder,’ Vincent countered easily.
I clenched my fists together.
‘I hate being such a mess.’
Vincent bent forward, gaze locked on me with an intensity that hadn’t been there before.
‘You are doing better, Josh. I remember the first time you came into this office, broken and cut up and unable to deal. You have come such a long way: you need to know that. The old you would’ve instantly turned to the razor—‘
‘I almost did,’ I interrupted him. ‘But I left home early and wandered around for a bit and it helped. These helped too.’ I pushed my sleeve up a bit to show him the rubber bands, though he already knew they were there. I’d been wearing them for a couple of months now, after all.
‘Don’t you see? The old you wouldn’t ever have taken a walk or snapped rubber bands. The fact that you do now shows just how far you’ve come. You should be proud of yourself.’
I could hardly be proud.
‘I’ve got a disorder that will never go away. I’ll always be like this.’ I motioned to myself, splaying my hands over my chest. ‘I won’t ever change. I will keep swinging from one mood to the other, jumping to conclusions, have this black-and-white thinking, and be unable to deal normally with anything.’
‘Being borderline is part of who you are. It won’t go away, but you can always do better, Josh. You are doing better.’
‘But I have to struggle with it every single day for the rest of my life.’ I buried my face in my hands. ‘That’s why the suicide rate is so high. Because people just can’t deal.’
