Should I rip it up; wad it up and throw it away? I tighten my grip with my thumbs bent and pressing it forcefully against the edge of my palm. My eyes focus again, and although my mind is screaming, don’t read it, I stare hurtfully at the first sentence.
I’m begging you to read it all when you feel you can…
An overpowering breath moves over my lips and I stop myself, holding my hands steady and easing my grip. Gently folding one end over the next, I shove the paper back in the envelope and hold it tightly. As I fold the flap over, I struggle to release just a little bit of my animosity, fear of what the rest says and hurt over Mom’s part in this. So I pack it all away with the letter. I let all the emotion drain from me on a serene breath, like a reckless energy flowing from the dark parts of my heart, through my veins and out of my fingertips. Running my palm across the smooth flat surface, I press it closed so that the contents will never find me again.
After shoving it into my glove compartment, I sit there lost, not sure what to do. I’ve always felt when I am around people when my past secrets emerge, that it is written all over my face. I know it’s not, but I also know the shame and pain is laced in every word I say and if anyone looks at me for long, I’ll burst into tears, believing that they can see it.
My hands slide around the cool, curved steering wheel, clutching it for strength as Evan’s face fills my mind; standing in the doorway of his camper the night it happened. He made the difference.
Breathe, just breathe with me…you can do it. I breathe, you breathe.
His deep voice gives me reassurance as I picture him lying beside me the first night we ever even thought about taking our relationship to the next level. Resting on his side, he smoothed his hand over my cheek and calmed all my hesitation and fears in being touched. He made something I had come to see as dirty and indecent suddenly become beautiful and passionate. No one else has ever evoked that in me. With my eyes closed and my entire body melted against the seat, I allow his face and words to bring me back to reality. They lull me into contentment, yet with one desperate plea; I wish he was here. It’s not the first time this feeling has come over me. It overwhelms me nearly every time this happens, but I force it down; shove it so deep, then let the hatred over his deception completely drown me until that single emotion is only a memory.
My eyes bolt open and I stare across the lot to his camper, knowing this time he is just steps away. I watch, my insides leaping with a need that I’m not going to shut out this time. All day, our conversation has weighed on my mind, giving me a sense of excitement that I could someday have my friend back; that I could find it in me to forgive and forget, an act that has never been easy for me.
A warmth slowly and softly swells in my chest, making the edge of my lips tug.
I want to see him; I need him.
“I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT,” I mumble more to myself.
“What?” Jake snickers not too far away as I spread a sheet out on one of the spare fold out cots from the storage shed.
I shake my head, straightening the edges out and flattening the top so that it lays perfectly flat against the mattress. Shuffling sounds behind me and I look back. Jake plops down onto the hideaway bed stationed in the middle of the living room floor.
I laugh. Of course he’s chipper, he didn’t have to take the bed right against the wall to Judd and Alyssa’s bedroom. I might as well resign myself to getting absolutely no sleep tonight.
“They don’t get that loud, do they?” he asks in a disturbed tone.
Huffing out another chuckle, I raise my brows and look at him in a manner that says, ‘Are you serious?!’
“Ahh…yeah. They aren’t quiet, that’s for sure.”
“We are not that loud, Evan.” Judd leans against the doorframe to the back bedroom with his arms across his chest and a smirk on his face.
I scowl at him, not even feeling it in the slightest, but I prefer him to think I’m dreading the noise so maybe he’ll show sympathy for my poor scarred-for-life ears. He knows I’d never begrudge him the happiness of an all-night booty call or a long life of playing under the sheets.
My mouth falls open as I shove my laughter down. “Yeah…you are. I guarantee the cabins across the lake have heard you sometime today.”
Ok, that’s a little far-fetched, but if anyone has ever had to sleep through the sounds that I have since he’s met Alyssa, they’d surely be begging him to invest in a muzzle or some sort of serious noise filtering device for the entire neighborhood. It’s funny how reserved, well-mannered and polite they both seem, almost like a parent’s idea of a perfectly raised child, but get them behind closed doors and that calm, pardon-me persona is out the flipping window, drowned out by wild-ass bedroom mayhem; I’ve heard it, not by choice, but I know.
I stare at Judd, masking my amusement with a shocked expression.
“Evan, you think it’s awesome when two squirrels start humping in the yard. We are not that noisy. We keep it down. Maybe you’re just on the other side, pressing your ear to the wall.”
Jake spits out a snort and I cock my head back, scrunching my face up like I just took a bite of something sour.
“That’s gross dude. So you think I want to subject my ears to your kinky bedroom talk?”
Judd’s face flames and he looks quickly at Jake. I can’t suppress my laughter anymore, dipping my chin and chuckling at his embarrassment.
“I don’t care. I brought ear phones.” Jake looks innocently down at his bag as Judd stares at him like he just got his pants pulled down in public.
“We are not that loud,” he goes on, and now I just think he’s trying to convince himself.
I can see the wheels turning; I actually have him questioning how loud he is every night. No wonder he got another place. The awareness of it is probably majorly screwing with his bed play. He probably cups his hand over her mouth while they are doing it, pleading with her to quiet down. Geez, this is killing me. Suppose I should break it to him that he really isn’t breaking any sound barriers.
Nahhh.
“Damn, I should have brought my earbuds,” I mumble to myself. Judd swings his eyes to me and shakes his head. “What? I didn’t think my heater would break the second day I was out here and I sure didn’t think I’d be shacking up with you and Blondie on your romantic Christmas get-away in the woods.” I roll my eyes with a smirk.
“Yeah…” Judd suddenly looks like he’s discovered some new information to defend his later headboard-thumping-earsplitting-moans-squeaking-mattress-springs activities. “Let’s forget that we were supposed to have this cabin to ourselves, but hey, I couldn’t leave your whiney-ass out in the cold camper.”
I crook a grin. I will not deny at all that I’m a whiney-ass when it comes to winter temperatures; I get a chill and I will be the first to moan and groan. All these dudes that choose to spend all day in a tree stand waiting for Prancer to dance into their sights, they can have it. I’ll huddle up in my apartment or in this case, Judd’s cabin, next to the fire in my sweatshirt and jeans. In my book, that’s smart. Give me a sunny day at the ball park with sweat dripping down my back from the stifling temps as I listen to the roar of the crowd and the crack of the bat sending the ball into a mob of frenzied baseball fans and I’m there. I’d prefer less clothes, with the boys hanging loose beneath my shorts, rather than layering an army pile of rags on to keep me warm.
“Ok, I’ll give you that,” I sigh and resign myself to poking fun at them once I hear it later; I’m sure I will. “I’ll keep my wise cracks to myself.”
Judd shifts his head back, squinting his eyes skeptically. I look down and continue making my bed for the night.
“For now…” I add quietly.
He laughs as the bathroom door opens.
“For now what?” Alyssa says, and I know I better keep it to myself.
Sweet as she may look, she will dish it right back; that’s what I love about her. I don’t think Judd could have gotten any luckier when he
found this one.
I move my head side-to side slowly to dramatically mock Judd’s response.
“He’s giving me shit about the noise again,” Judd laughs.
From the corner of my eyes, I catch him pulling her closer. “I would say get a room, but…” I look through the doorway they are standing in.
“On that note, I think I will listen to some music.” Jake grabs his ear phones out of his bag, plugging them into his iPod.
“Chicken-shit. A true friend would suffer through this torture with me, you know?”
Jake looks right at me, huffing out a chuckle as he slides the ear phones on. “Good luck sleeping.”
I crack up, staring him down and trying my best to relay my thoughts, you, lucky bastard, preparing for your stay.
“Whatever,” Judd pipes up. “Good night.”
“Night guys,” Alyssa says sweetly with a smile as she ducks under Judd’s arm that firmly holds up the frame to the bedroom as if it may come unhinged.
I wave her off with a genuine smile back, Jake does the same. Looking back at Judd, who now has a sneaky grin, I drop my smile.
“What?”
“Nothing…” he draws out, still looking deep in thought. I have no idea what he’s thinking. “I was just going to say good night.” He smiles, looking from me then to Jake, who throws his hand up, then back to me. “Good luck sleeping.” A lame-ass smile spreads over his face as he ducks into the room and shuts the door behind him.
“What an asshole,” I chuckle under my breath then look at Jake. “Can you believe that?”
Jake slides the black headband Princess-Leia-bun looking earphones off one ear. “What?”
I shake my head dismissing it with a chuckle as I bounce into bed, quickly realizing I forgot one vital component to sleeping in this stiff vinyl cot that Grandpa calls a bed.
“Man, I forgot my pillow.”
Jake shifts in his bed and looks back towards my lame excuse for a room shoved into the corner of the living room. I could do without sleeping on a stiff ass cot, but I have to take what I can get; I’m not sleeping in a thirty-degree camper or under the same roof as my brother. No thank you.
“I think they had a couple on their bed. I’m sure they’ll give one up.” Jake points back towards Judd and Alyssa’s room while still looking down at his phone, flipping his finger along the screen like he’s scrolling through a social media page or website.
I scrunch up my nose and grit my teeth as I consider the idea of borrowing one for only half a second before rethinking. “That’s just gross. I don’t know where that pillow’s been.”
He snickers quietly, focusing on whatever he has going on while I walk across the room, dressed in my Rosemore sweatshirt, sweatpants and my socks.
Glancing to my boots by the door, I say screw it and fling the door open in a dead sprint to my camper to grab my pillow along with an extra blanket, not that it is cold in the cabin, but I might just drape it over me on the way back. The bitter cold nips at my face and the hard ground is like a block of ice sending a splintering pain up my calf with every thud of my feet. No sooner than my hand lands on the door handle, I have the door ripped open and bolt inside in a mad dash to escape the chills that are racing over the surface of my skin. The relief I was hoping to find is somewhat fulfilled, yet not nearly enough. I drape my thick comforter over my shoulders and hold my pillow to my chest, creating a suit of armor against the frosty wind that was biting me in the ass, as I made the trek here.
On the way back, I make double time as if my tail was lit on fire. Jake snaps his head around with a smirk as I slam the door and stand against it like Bigfoot is about to pound it down behind me.
“Cold?” he asks lazily, looking back to his phone.
I let out a breath and allow the warmth to envelope my entire body, goose bumps sprouting up and the hairs on my arm standing on end.
“Yeah…” I mumble, contemplating jumping right into the fireplace.
“Well, I’m out for the night.”
I open my mouth but quickly get cut off by a thud. I swing my head around to the bedroom door, but immediately halt all worries on whether one of them slipped on the hardwood floor or if the roof fell in on them, or even if there may be a brewing tornado right outside their window.
“You weren’t kidding.” I look at Jake as he slides down in bed and pulls his ear phones back over his ears. “Night…oh and good luck again.” He sneaks a sly grin in my direction before closing his eyes.
“Gee, thanks.” I flip the overhead light off and walk straight across the creaky floor till I am finally to my hovel.
Not even caring that my blanket is half wadded up in one corner, I jump in, sweats and all, tossing the pillow behind my head and pulling the comforter up to my neck. The softness of it is a complete contradiction of the inflexible surface that is boring into my back. In my opinion, this is just an outdated military stretcher. I think back for a minute, and remember seeing them at many of the bases we lived at growing up.
Closing my eyes, my body relaxes and begins to mold to the cot. A heavy weight settles over my lids as I drift off and surrender to sleep.
Thump…
My eyes spring open as more barely-there sounds filter through the air. Oh great! A soft girly whine, giggling and another thump and I turn on my side. Digging my shoulder into the stiff bed, I clasp my pillow in my fist and pull the other side over my face to filter out the noise; quiet. I relax again, but as soon as sleep starts to creep over me, I hear a roar of giggles and laughs coming through the wall.
I stretch my eyes open, feeling as though I am back in my apartment all over again. Thank God their headboard is against the other wall here. That was a pain in the ass. I cannot even count the times I beat Judd home from work and considered bolting that thing down, desperate for just a solid hour of sleep. If he wasn’t knocking boots in the next room, then Skylar was crashing my peaceful evening of sleep. At this point, my body should be used to a max of two hours of rest per night.
Thud…
That’s it! I don’t even think about Jake sleeping about ten feet away before my fist is pounding on the wall, sending vibrations through my forearm and an echoing drumming sound through the cabin. More giggling rises along with another thump against the wall.
“Cooooome Oooon,” I groan.
“Evan,” I barely make out my name being called from their room. “Go to sleep. We aren’t being that loud.”
I hold back my laughter, widening my eyes as usual. He always says that. Does he really flip all over that mattress all night long, laughing and doing bedroom acrobats that make the walls shake and truly not think he’s noisy?
“Really?!” I rifle back sarcastically.
The bedroom door flings open and the shadow of a head peaks out. “Are we really going to do this tonight?”
I want to laugh at his frustration, because he full-well was supposed to have this cabin to himself. In fact, he had requested complete solitude from me when he asked me to come out and join them. I believe his exact words were, ‘You should come join us for Christmas at the lake. Piper will be there…but just know that Alyssa and I would really like to have a cabin to ourselves…like far away from you’. I actually laughed my ass off, but then put his request in with Grandpa. I guess life sucks, because Jake surprises his big bro with a friendly visit that sort of squashed their dreams of waxing the floors with their asses all week long too. Then of course, I crashed the party.
“Do you really not hear yourself?” I smile, although he can’t see it.
“We are keeping it down,” he points out in a matter of fact tone as he keeps only his head stuck through the opening of the door.
“Geez, are you standing there naked? Go finish what you were doing, but a word of advice…laughing probably means you’re not knocking her socks off, dude.”
“She wasn’t laughing at me…we were laughing…you know what never mind. Just quit pounding on the wall.”
I sti
fle back a laugh, my chest and stomach shaking. “You were pounding on the wall. I just thought it was a game…you know, like you knock three times and I knock three times…Blondie squeals and giggles and I moan and groan…”
“Whatever,” he spits out quickly. “And by the way, we weren’t knocking on the walls.”
“Yes, you were.” I challenge, really loving the fact that he is getting fully irritated.
I love aggravating him, of course, he’ll get me back no doubt, but I definitely have a bit more aggravation in store for the holidays.
“Evan, we’re keeping it down and we will continue…just go to sleep.”
“Ok, but I’m telling you, you were…” I start.
Shuffling like fabric on fabric sounds from the center of the room. “Actually, you know what…I can’t stay out of this any longer. You were making quite a bit of noise.”
Ha! I sit all the way up and point to Jake with a huge ass smile, then point over to Judd, wishing the lights were on so he could see my amusement over his baby brother coming to my defense. Moreover, I’d love to see his face.
“Oh…” I barely hear Judd’s quiet response as if he is finally convinced that all night hammering is capable of depriving some of us a good snooze.
“It’s cool, I just turned my music back on. I just don’t want to hear anything else.” Jake slinks back into the bed, nonchalantly throwing his headphones back on for the third time tonight. He’s oblivious to the fact that he just made my year by agreeing with me on a four-month argument over Judd thinking he makes no noise and me informing him that any louder and they may wake the dead.
I stare back at Judd, my grin growing along with the silence.
“Told ya…” I say quietly, breaking the sudden peacefulness of crackling logs without the rocking sounds of their bed.
“Ok, well…I’m going back to bed.” He slumps back down but not before I hear his chuckle.
Damn those ear phones Jake has; Judd doesn’t mind keeping me awake, he just doesn’t want to traumatize his little brother, whom he’s always viewed as innocent. I know better; Jake and I grew closer after Judd and Tristan’s wreck and he definitely is not a sweet, oblivious eighteen-year old; he has some skeletons in his closet just like the rest of us.
Breathe With Me (The Breathe Series Book 3) Page 13
