by Nicole Banks
I never remembered my son ever being this dense. If he wanted something, he went after it period. Now he was over here being a pansy. “Why the hell not? You want her; she wants you. You already said you can get past what happened to her. So what’s the problem now?”
Angel hung his head low and in barely a whisper said, “I’m not good enough for her.”
I stiffened. Clearly, I didn’t hear him correctly. How could he possibly think that? “I’m sorry Angel, what did you say? I didn’t hear you.”
He turned his face, looked me dead in the eye, “I said I’m not good enough for her. Shit, I’m not enough for her. What could I possibly have to offer her?”
He got up and began to pace again. “Did Jasmine tell you that son?”
He stopped mid step, “Huh? No, she would never say that. She still sees me for who I used to be, her protector. But that’s not who I am anymore. I mean clearly, look at the events that have transpired. I can never be what she needs me to be. I never thought that would hurt as much as it does.”
“Why would you even think that, Angel?”
He took a swing at his beer; his eyes were watery. I’ve seen my son cry once in his life and it was at the death of his grandparents. Everything else he took on with a force of will all on his own. To see my son now on the verge of tears nearly broke my heart. My son was breaking. The cracks in his armor were starting to crumble and I had no idea how to stop it or how to show him how to put himself together.
“Dad, you don’t get it man. I’ve been running ever since that shit with Jay. I’ve been a coward. I only wanted to join the Marines because I wanted to get away from everyone here. I wanted to get away from the situation of my best friend still fucking my sister. I wanted to get away from the lack of control I had. Yea I know the irony of it all; I gave up all control when I decided to join the Marines.” He laughed, but it sounded strained probably even to him. “A fucking coward in the Marines; that’s all they need protecting their country right?”
I got up wanting to run to him, to console him. He was a grown man, but before me stood a scared little boy. My son was always so sure of himself always so confident. This was not him at all, second-guessing himself. “Angel you’re not a coward.”
“Dad, sit down. You don’t know the half of it. You would be so embarrassed by me; it’s almost pathetic. Not only did I run when things got a little weird between everyone here. You remember when I came back for Jay’s funeral? They allowed me the time off. They told me I could take the month because my sergeant knew me and our family.”
“You left no sooner than they put Jay in the ground. You barely said goodbye to anyone.”
“See Dad, your offspring is a runner. I tried man, did I fucking try so hard to be here for Jasmine. I practically ran home when you called me. I thought I needed to be here. I was going to take care of Jasmine. I was going to help her through all this. You remember what happened when I got here?”
I had a fit and a half that my son went straight to Jasmine’s house. He didn’t even bother to stop home to make sure we were okay. My wife stopped me from marching over there to beat his ass for being so thoughtless. Her response was, and always was when it came to Angel and Jas: “his mind hasn‘t caught up with his heart yet, but he‘s in love with her.” Looking back on them growing up, he always watched for Jasmine. He always looked out for her and always took her off to the side to help her understand things when Jay wasn’t around. I wondered if my son ever knew then how important Jasmine was going to be to him.
“You know Dad, I think it was then that I realized I didn’t and couldn’t look at Jasmine like a little sister. I ran from the airport to her house and before I even got to the door, she knew. She knew I was coming and was there for her. She knew I wouldn’t let her do this alone. She had the door open before I got out of the cab and ran towards me. I was barely out of the car before she wrapped herself around me. Man, she felt so good in my arms. The perfect fit.”
Angel
I closed my eyes, taking myself back to that day. I remembered seeing Jasmine fly out of her house in sweats and one of Jay’s old shirts. I remembered thinking to myself, it was possibly the hottest day in weeks, and she was in sweats; the girl was crazy. We locked eyes for the briefest of moments. She stopped dead in her tracks and something inside me shifted. My greedy eyes devoured her like a dehydrated man looking for his next drink. Even in all her mess, she never seemed more beautiful to me. I got out of the cab before it even completely stopped and Jasmine threw herself on me. I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around me, buried her face in my neck and cried. It was wrong, considering the circumstances, but being away for almost two years, having Jasmine in my arms made me feel at peace for the briefest of moments. I was home. She felt amazing in my arms, like this was where she should have been and would always be. I didn’t want to let her go and I remember that scared the shit out of me. Then, I thought it was because I hadn’t been home in two years and Jay’s death was just making me feel nostalgic. But now, now I knew what it really was. I was falling for her.
“You’re smiling son.”
“That’s because I just realized the truth about something. But it sucks, because it doesn’t change anything. I still can’t be with Jasmine.”
My father sat back down shaking his head. “I don’t get it son. I really don’t. You’ve always been there for her.”
I cut him off, “Uh, no Dad I haven’t been. If I was, she wouldn’t have gone through what she did.”
“You don’t know that son. You being here, she still could have gotten hurt like that.”
“Fair enough, but I could have been there to console her. You know, helped her through it. Shit I had a month after Jay’s funeral to stay and make sure things were okay with everyone, but I ran.”
“Why did you leave, Angel?”
“Same reason I don’t want to go back to the Marines. I was scared. Everything I knew about life was and has been completely shifted. Do you know what it’s like, standing there watching someone you grew up with being put into the ground like that? This kid that was so full of life, is lying in a pine box, not moving, not coming back. He’s gone. Who can honestly just fucking sit there and watch while everything they’ve fucking known, something that has been a constant, is slowly being lowered into a hole in the ground? We were fucking invincible, that shit’s not supposed to happen to us. Man you know what made it worse that day? Watching Jasmine break down. I’ve never seen this girl so much as shed a damn tear, and I couldn’t even keep her standing up right when they started lowering the casket. How do you even begin to cope with that Dad? How do you stop yourself from hurting long enough to help take the hurt away from someone you care about?”
I felt my cheeks get wet. I was crying? Fucking great! This is why I don’t drink. Apparently, I am an emotional drunk. I even forgot that my Dad was there. I blinked and he was in my face, eyes just as watery as mine. He made a move to touch me. I brushed him off and stepped out of his reach. I didn’t need this shit right now.
“Angel.”
“Dad, don’t. Come on; cut it out. We men, we don’t get emotional.”
“Angel, come on; it’s okay son.”
“No it’s not dad. You don’t get it at all.”
“Well why don’t you explain it to me then?”
“I’m trying here. I’m trying to tell you I’m a coward and I can’t be what Jasmine wants. Why aren’t you listening to me?”
“Because it’s not true, Angel. You were young; you were barely nineteen. Saying goodbye to a childhood friend is hard for anybody. How do you think Jasmine feels? Shit, her mom? She had to bury a son; no parent should bury a child.”
“Stop dad. Just stop I’m not the person you all think I am. Look man, not only did I run when shit got hard here, I left Jasmine to fend for herself. Do you know what happened to me overseas? No, you don’t because I don’t like talking about that shit. But you remember Tommy, the guy I told you about?
You know he’s dead? Well no, you wouldn’t because again you weren’t there. But Tommy was my best friend, my brother over there. We meet in basic training and we just clicked and let me tell you, it felt good to have a friend after the shit happened between Jay and me. You know before we deployed to Afghanistan he introduced me to his wife? Yea, she was a pretty little thing, but she was powerful. She reminded me of Mom; you didn’t piss her off. She made me promise to bring Tommy back home, back home to her and her unborn child. I told her I would lay down my life for him because he had something to come back home to, you know? I mean I had you guys, but he had a baby. No kid should have to grow up without both parents. But you know what I did Dad?”
“Angel, that wasn’t your fault. You know better than to think that it was. You were in a war zone over there, anything could happen. Shit, a fucking sniper could have picked him off.”
“And if it was a sniper, I probably wouldn’t feel like this much of a fuck up. But we were in the camp, I was supposed to switch shifts with the guard on lookout, but I was hanging back, reading the most recent letter from Jasmine. Tommy was watching for our sergeant by the front. He was looking out to make sure my ass wasn’t going to get chewed out, because I wanted just a little more time to read Jasmine’s letter. It was her letters that kept me sane over there. Tommy used to always rag on me about Jasmine. He swore up and down we were more than just friends. He said I had the same goofy look on my face that he had when he first met his wife.
That was the last conversation we had. The next thing I knew, bombs were going off, missiles, and gunfire. I remembered being knocked out for a little bit, but when I came to, I smelled burning flesh and something heavy was on my chest. I was having a hard time breathing. I couldn’t figure out where the hell I was for a second. All of a sudden, the camp was engulfed in flames. I thought this was it; this was how I was going to die, because I couldn’t move what was on my chest. I couldn’t escape. I thought maybe it was the equipment bags or something else.”
The tears were just falling now; I couldn’t stop them. My pops was right there crying with me. I never told anyone about that day. I refused to talk about it with anyone, even the psychologist in the military. That was probably one of the main reasons they sent me home. I was never able to talk about it before, I just kept reliving the nightmare over and fucking over again in my head. “You know the one thing that was on my mind while I was lying there suffocating? You know they tell you your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die. You know what my life flashes consisted of? Jasmine: her smile, her laugh, her stubbornness that drove me crazy when we were kids. I couldn’t believe I was over there dying and I had no way to ever see her face again.” My father made a move to console me but I evaded him, I couldn’t be comforted. Not right now.
“Angel, stop.”
“Dad, please. I can’t do this. Stop trying to touch me.”
He let out a breath, “What else happened over there Angel?”
“The fire, it was getting closer and closer to me. What a fucking way to go, right? My team was able to get in and put out most of the fire around me. They lifted the heavy burden off my chest and asked if I was okay. It wasn’t until then that I realized Tommy wasn’t with me or with my team. I kept asking where he was but no one wanted to answer me. I mean, surely he got out, right? He had to; he had a baby to go home to. No one would tell me anything until I got to the hospital. I begged one of the nurses to tell me what happened. She just shook her head, and ran and got my sergeant. He came in and do you know what he told me? He said Tommy died. The blast from the bomb took him and the guard on duty out on impact. He told me the only reason that I was alive was that Tommy took majority of the hit. You believe that shit? I was supposed to be on post; I was supposed to be fucking standing where he was. I could have saved two people Dad. Two! Instead, Tommy saved my ass. I killed him. I broke my promise to his wife. I can’t even talk to her or see her; I refuse to. Do you see the coward I am? I don‘t even have the guts to tell his wife what a remarkable hero he was. How he saved my life when I should have been saving his.”
I heard the front door open and Kristal was standing there with tears in her eyes. I inwardly cursed. This was not what I wanted or needed right now. I began to walk away when my pops grabbed my arm. “You need to stop running Angel. Stop blaming yourself for the things you have no control over. None of this is your fault.”
“Dad, it hurts so much. I failed so many people that meant so much to me and they are all hurting because of it. How do I fix it? How do I make things right again?”
I never heard Kristal approach me, but she grabbed me, turning me so I could face her. She wrapped her arms around me and began to cry. “You‘re not a coward, Angel. You‘ve always been my hero. I love you.”
CHAPTER 10
It was quiet in Chase’s house, well quiet, except for his breathing and mine. Chase almost sounded like he had fallen asleep. How long have we’ve been sitting on his kitchen floor like this? This is getting old; all I seem to do is cry lately. This shit is pathetic. I used to be the chick that never shed a tear but somehow, in the past four years, the water works started and they haven’t stopped at all. When the hell will I get tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself? Chase was right about one thing though; Jay would have been extremely disappointed to see how I turned out.
Chase had me cradled in his arms. I looked up to see if in fact he was sleeping. His face looked so peaceful. I couldn’t believe he was here, worried about my wellbeing. He never looked like he cared before. Shit, aside from my brother or Kristal, I never even thought he knew I was alive like that. But he was here, ready to fight for me, well actually help me fight for myself. He wasn’t here treating me with kid gloves, shit he even went at me like a regular person. I started to smile until I remembered he actually pushed me. The stupid shit. I should kick his ass, now that he’s sleeping peacefully like a damn baby.
I went to clock him upside the head when he started to shift. He moaned; I caught my breath. What the hell? “Kristal!” He growled and the next thing I knew, he pulled me up to straddle his lap. He leaned into my neck, “I need to taste you Kristal.” He bit down near my pulse and then licked and kissed the tender spot. This was too weird. “Chase wake up, please.” I tried to shake him but he grabbed my hands.
“No touching love, not yet. Let me enjoy you.”
Ew, really? “Chase, damn it! Wake up! I am not Kristal, you doofy bastard.” I tried to wiggle my way off his lap but that just made it worse. He moaned and pulled me closer to him. I was going to kill him. Yep that was definitely going to happen by the end of the day. “Chase man, wake the hell up already!”
“I like having my name on your lips Kristal.”
This was not happening. This couldn’t be happening. Why the hell wasn’t he waking up? Furthermore, why the hell wasn’t this freaking me out? Well actually, it was; this shit was beyond weird. How the hell did Kris sleep here and not know this dude dreamed about her? He released my hands, thankfully. I had no choice but to do this, and he was probably going to call me every name in the book. I slid down a little bit and punched him in the balls. He screamed and doubled over while I tried to scramble away from him. He started cursing and carrying on and I couldn’t help but laugh. This was the first time I ever saw Chase not composed and it was hysterical.
“I’m glad I fucking amuse you Jasmine.” I laughed even harder. “Stop laughing; this shit fucking hurts man. What the fuck you hit me for anyway?”
“Because you were trying to molest me, in your sleep.”
“Oh no, the hell I was.”
“Oh really? What were you dreaming about?”
He struggled to sit up. I went over to offer my assistance but he growled, “Don’t touch me, I got it.” I giggled; oh, someone was a grumpy baby. “Why are you still laughing? Let me punch you in the boob see how you feel.”
I was laughing even harder, “Oh, stop you big baby, no one told you to moles
t me in your sleep.”
He finally stood up and his face took on a serious note, “I didn’t hurt you did I?”
“Na, don’t worry about it. But do you always dream about Kristal?”
He crossed his arms over his chest, “What makes you so sure it was Kristal?”
“You said her name, twice. Besides, I know how much you want to her. How is it she’s always over here and she doesn’t even know how you feel about her?”
“She knows.”
“So then? How come you two aren’t together?”
“How do you know we aren’t together?”
“Because Kristal always has this goofy grin or look on her face when she’s with someone she really likes. I haven‘t seen itfor a while actually.”
“You are far too observant.”
“Well what do you expect when you’re too scared to do anything but watch everyone else live? So, why aren’t you two together then.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Chicken shit. How are you over here telling me I need to fight for Angel and yet you can’t even attempt to be with Kris. I know she wants you, so what’s the problem?”
He took two steps towards me pushing me up against the counter. “I thought we established; you or your height don’t intimidate me Chase.”
“Yea, well it should. Maybe your ass would listen when I speak. Don’t worry about what’s going on or what isn’t going on between me and Kristal. You need to worry about you and then you and Angel. He wants you, trust me and believe me when I tell you that. Shit, I know you feel it too. He has his own demons to fight and he thinks he’s doing you a favor by not pursuing you. We both know that’s doing more harm than good. You want him; fight for him. Make him see that you are strong enough to handle and deal with your demons and his. You’ve spent entirely too much time hiding from yourself and from life. Time isn’t going to stop or slow down for you. He makes you happy, correct? Then go get him and be with him, period.”
