Long Lost

by Lexi Blake

  Guilt swamped her. “I’m sorry.”

  Her mom shook her head. “Baby, you were mourning, too, but in a different way. And we were scared because you realized you could lose Vi, and I couldn’t even consider losing you. No, I’m not saying you weren’t there for me. I’m saying that it’s a different kind of support you get from a lover.”

  She couldn’t help it. She cringed.

  Her mom rolled her eyes. “Get over it, baby girl. I had a lot of sex in my time. Good sex. Not any lately, and everyone here is married or otherwise taken. But trust me, I’ve thought about walking down there and seeing what it’s all about. I could get into a man who needed some discipline.”

  She was ready to put her fingers in her ears and start singing loudly so she didn’t have to listen to her mom talk about sex. “I think I hear Vi crying. I should go check on her.”

  Her mother sighed. “She’s fine. Come on, Roni. Tell me you haven’t thought about it. All joking aside, you’re going to miss him.”

  She missed him when he wasn’t in the room with her. She missed him when he was at work a few floors away. It hadn’t been hard to fall into a routine with him, one where she depended on him. He was as reliable as any clock. He showed up on her doorstep at seven every morning. He almost always had some Danish or pastry he would offer her and then they would sit and have coffee and he would watch Vi smash food against her face. He would laugh and clean her up and kiss the top of her head before he left for work. At noon he often met them for lunch, and then at five thirty he came for dinner and didn’t leave until long after Violet was in bed.

  Why hadn’t she moved closer to him on the couch as they sat watching television shows? She pretended to watch, but the whole time all she could think about was how close he was, how little time they had left.

  How if she’d had some faith in him, he might not have lost his memories.

  “Have you thought about the fact that while I was cursing his name, he was being tortured?”

  Her mother’s eyes softened. “Baby, you couldn’t have saved him. From what I’ve read and heard about McDonald, it’s highly likely that she’d already given him the drug by the time she came to see you. Even if by some miracle you had figured it out, you couldn’t have saved him.”

  “I didn’t even look for him. All I cared about was not being embarrassed if he came back to Munich.”

  “Do you know why I like that kid?” her mom asked.

  “If you say something about his ass…”

  A brilliant grin crossed her mother’s face. “It’s not bad, but I like him for other reasons. Reasons I never expected, and one of them is the fact that I don’t think it would ever occur to him to be angry with you. I doubt he’s thought for a single second that you should have tried to save him. Not because he wouldn’t want to be saved, but because I genuinely believe that man would put you and Violet above his own needs. I realized it when he was close to vomiting and managed to make it through a diaper change because you were napping and he wasn’t going to wake you up.”

  “I have a surprisingly sensitive nose,” a deep voice said.

  She turned and Tucker rounded the corner. He was dressed as he had been earlier, in a dark T-shirt and buttery soft jeans.

  “That’s not going to serve you well with Vi. She’s a stinky kid,” her mother said before leaning toward Roni and lowering her voice. “I know you think you might spare yourself some pain if you don’t get close to him again, but I think you’ll regret it. I think he’s special, and you know I don’t say that often. When you find something good in life, you grab it with both hands and you try your damnedest not to let go.” Her mom hugged her briefly. “I’m going to bed. I’m spotting for Taggart in the morning. I don’t want to listen to that man whine about me being late. ’Night, young folk.”

  “She’s right, you know.” Tucker moved in beside her, his elbows on the railing. “I don’t blame you for anything. I should have told you then. I didn’t mean to, but I put you in danger. So, I’m going to tell you now that they’re going to move me in a few days. I don’t know where, but if you want, I’ll try to communicate with you. I’ll make sure it’s on a safe channel. I don’t want to put you or Violet in danger, but I also can’t stand the thought of not talking to you.”

  She couldn’t stand it either. “Of course. You should be in her life as much as you can.”

  An awkward silence fell between them and she went back to staring at the space below. Had he come out because he was planning on going down to the party? Was someone waiting for him? A sub? That was what they called themselves. Subs. Rebecca and Ariel had answered some of her questions earlier in the afternoon, explaining without any self-consciousness how their relationships worked. She’d noticed Solo had gotten quiet during that discussion, and she hadn’t thought it was because the woman was uncomfortable. She’d seemed deeply interested in the conversation.

  “You can go down if you want to,” she said quietly.

  “I wasn’t going down to The Garden. I was going to knock on your door. We didn’t talk much tonight and we need to. I don’t want to merely be in Violet’s life. It’s not only Vi I’m going to miss. I’m going to miss you like hell. I’ve missed you all along. I just couldn’t remember who I missed.”

  They fell silent again. She wasn’t sure what to say to those words. She’d missed him but that emotion had been wrapped up in anger, and she wasn’t sure how to let it all go. The simple fact that she’d had no real right to be angry with him didn’t make it all fall away. She was in a corner and she wasn’t at all sure how to come out.

  “Veronica, do you want me to leave?”

  That wasn’t the question. Life would be simpler if he’d stayed Steven Reasor, if he’d stayed dead. She could have gone through the rest of her life hiding her heart away because once it had been broken. She could have concentrated on her daughter. She wouldn’t have to confront all the complexities that came with caring for a man.

  “Baby, you have no idea what you want, do you?” His voice had turned warm and she felt him move in beside her. “There’s a part of you that wants to go down there, and a part that wants to run back into the apartment and use our daughter like a shield between us. I get that.”

  There was not an ounce of frustration in his tone, merely an acceptance of her state of mind. “I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like being on a clock. I need more time.”

  “Yeah, I get that, too, but I’ve learned I have to work with what I have. I don’t know what comes after this. Once they move me, I don’t know when I’ll see you. I haven’t tried to do what I wanted to do. I haven’t kissed you or held you. But you have to know I wanted to. I thought it was best if I didn’t hurt you again.”

  “I think that ship has sailed.” She turned to him, emotions rolling inside. “I think I’ll miss you in a way I didn’t before, and that’s going to be hard. I’ll worry about you.” She already did. How would she feel when they were half a world away? “I don’t know what to do. I’m utterly and completely paralyzed when it comes to you. I expected this would be easy.”

  “You expected you could walk in, identify my comatose body, and walk away without looking back. You thought you could get some closure. If I was a good man, I would give it to you. But I’m not. I’m not selfless enough to let you go. I’m going to make it hard. I want a place in my daughter’s life, and I want a place in yours.”

  She let her head fall forward, the weight of the decisions she had to make hitting her hard. She had to weigh the danger that surrounded Tucker with what it would mean for Violet to know her father. She had to decide if he even was the man she’d fallen for years ago, or some new person wearing his skin.

  She had to figure out if it mattered because she had strong feelings for this version of the man, feelings that went deep and ran true.

  A warm hand covered the nape of her neck. “Tell me what’s going through your head. Let me help you.”

  “It’s too much.” S
he wanted. She longed. She couldn’t seem to let herself have him because every question she managed to answer brought up three more. “I can’t decide. I want you to kiss me. I want to be with you, but I can’t decide everything. I should know what I want, right?”

  He shook his head. “No. You don’t have to know everything right this second. You don’t have to decide everything. We don’t have to know what we’re going to end up being to each other right this second. But we do have to decide what we want tonight. I want you, Roni. I want to remember what it feels like to make love to you.”

  She wanted that, too, but it seemed like a huge step.

  “Hey, let me kiss you. That’s all you have to decide this second. Let me kiss you and hold you and we’ll figure out what comes next.” He leaned over, his lips brushing the shell of her ear and sending delicious shivers down her spine. “Or you can make the decision to simply be with me this evening. Let me take control and you don’t have to think of another thing all evening. You’ll let me take care of you. You can stop me at any time, but my only goal for the whole night is to make you happy, to make some memories. I don’t have many of those and I want so badly to have memories of you, of us. Roni, I’m leaving and I won’t see you again for a while, but I also know that I won’t be able to have any other relationships because somehow, now that I’ve seen you, I’m yours. I always was. Let me take care of you. Let me show you how good it can be to let me take control.”

  She was always in control. She had to be. She had to hide and protect. It had been years since she truly relaxed. What had her mother said? Comfort was different when it came from a lover.

  He would be gone soon. She would have to sink into building a new life, finding a new self. Even if this was nothing more than good-bye, she wanted it.

  “Yes.”

  * * * *

  The minute she said yes his whole body seemed to come alive. He could have her. She’d given him permission and he trusted her to know her mind. He absolutely knew his. Tag’s words had played through his head all day. She wasn’t a prize. She was a partner.

  Even if only for a night.

  He’d had so little joy that he couldn’t turn it away even if he would ache over her the rest of his life.

  He let his hands sink in her hair, tugging it out of the scrunchie that held it. “I want your hair down. When we’re playing, I want it around your shoulders. I want to be able to fist it and turn you this way or that. Do you understand?”

  Her eyes came up and he could see plainly what he was saying had an effect on her. She wanted to sink into this, to be able to follow his lead without thinking. She needed to relax but couldn’t give herself permission.

  He could do that for her.

  “Roni, do you know what I want you to do?”

  She stared up at him. “What?”

  “I want you to stop thinking about anything but me and what I’m going to do to your body. I’m going to touch you and taste you and do everything I can to bring you pleasure, to make you forget there’s anything but the two of us in the whole world. For a few hours, we’re going to tune everything out.”

  “Violet.”

  He shook his head. “Your mom is taking care of Vi. She’s safe and happy and won’t notice you’re gone. And don’t tell me you should tell your mother where you’re going. While you weren’t watching she made several incredibly juvenile hand gestures to let me know I should get you in bed at the earliest opportunity. I believe she thinks you need to get laid.”

  She turned the sweetest shade of pink. “Oh my god.”

  He couldn’t help the grin that came over his face. “Hey, I’m glad she approves, otherwise I have no doubt she would cock block me in genuinely terrifying ways. So Vi is fine. Now come here. Do you want to go to my apartment, or do you want to play?”

  “I don’t understand what you mean when you talk about play,” she admitted, the words coming out on a breathless tumble.

  But she wanted to. It was there in her husky tone, and it was definitely there in the way her nipples poked against the thin material of her T-shirt. Luckily he knew exactly where to go. “Follow me.”

  He started down the walkway to the elevator, her hand in his. He could feel the blood thrumming through his body, beating in time with the music from below.

  “Where are we going?” Roni asked, her eyes wide.

  If he had more time with her, he would teach her that she didn’t have to ask. He would be so good to her she would simply follow him, knowing anywhere he took her would be good for her. But he’d burned her once. “There are rooms downstairs. Privacy rooms. They’re built for play, but we’ll be alone. We have to walk through some of the scenes. Are you okay with that?”

  He didn’t want to shock her. It was normal for him. He’d seen so many butt plugs in his life they were a normal part of any landscape for him. But Roni was more sheltered. Everyone was probably more sheltered.

  She glanced over as the elevator doors opened and she seemed to come to a decision. She tugged on his hand. “I’m fine if everyone else is. It’s weird but it doesn’t seem bad.”

  He pressed the button to take them to the club level before pulling her into his arms, bumping their bodies together. “It isn’t bad. It’s fun and it’s taught me a lot about how to communicate. I learned very quickly that I was meaningless in life unless I was obedient. I was nothing but a test subject, and whether I lived or died didn’t matter as long as I provided the doctor with data. But here I learned that nothing works in this world if I don’t talk about what I need, if I don’t tell the people around me what I think. I need you to talk to me. I know I said you didn’t have to think, but you do have to feel.”

  “And that’s what scares me,” she admitted. “But I think I’m more afraid that you’re the only man who ever made me feel this way before and if I don’t take this time with you, I won’t ever meet anyone who can make me feel again.”

  He kissed her, his mouth lingering on hers even as the elevator doors opened. “I promise no matter what happens that I’ll do everything I can to get back to you and Vi. Now don’t think about us being separated again. We’re together tonight and that’s what matters. And don’t look too hard to your left because there’s a lot of penises hanging out. A lot.”

  Her head swung to the left and she gasped.

  “Hey, Roni.” Owen grinned as he walked by. He had a plaid tossed over his shoulder. Tucker was certain at some point it had been wrapped around his body, but now it simply covered his left shoulder and not any part of his dick.

  “Hi.” The greeting came out on a squeak. “I’m glad to see your…parts survived my mom.” She winced. “That came out wrong.”

  Owen laughed. “They’ve recovered quite nicely. You two have fun. I’ve got a Sassenach to plunder.” He shook his head. “Ariel gave her those books. Don’t let that one read. Women get funny ideas when they read.”

  He looked down at Roni, hoping the incident hadn’t embarrassed her. She had a hand over her mouth and her eyes were filled with laughter. She let her head fall against his chest.

  “We can never tell my mom. She’ll want to be down here and I can’t. I can’t with her. I can deal with your brothers walking around with their willies hanging out, but not my mom.”

  He didn’t think he could ever come down to the club if he thought his mother-in-law was there. And she wouldn’t be a sub. Sandra would be ordering around everyone, whip in hand.

  He’d just thought of her as his mother-in-law when he’d promised himself he wouldn’t think past the night.

  He leaned over and slid his arm under Roni’s knees. She wasn’t wearing shoes, only a pair of fluffy socks. Soon she wouldn’t be wearing anything at all. He strode over the familiar path that wound through the beautiful indoor forest that formed the heart of The Garden. He moved quickly because he was breaking club rules, but he knew Damon wouldn’t mind. They weren’t going to be on the dungeon floor for long. Off to his left he saw Damon standing w
ith his wife, Penny, watching a scene playing out in one of the spaces. The big Brit gave him a nod as he strode by.

  “It’s pretty here,” Roni said, her arms around his neck. She seemed far more comfortable now that he was holding her. She looked around with eager eyes.

  Getting acquainted with the dungeon would have to wait. He wanted her to himself. He wanted a night where there was no one in the world except him and her.

  In the morning he would have to play his dangerous game. He would meet his contact and pass off the…

  “Tucker, are you okay?”

  He hadn’t realized he’d stopped in the middle of the path. The whisper of that first night with her, the one in Paris, had slammed into him. If he let himself go, he would get sick and this would all be over. He would spend the rest of his time with her lying in a freaking bed, and he didn’t want that. There would be time enough to force his brain to work when they were apart. He walked on, leaving the past behind. He hoped.

  “I’m fine.” There were frosted sliding glass doors that led to the privacy rooms.

  Nina Blunt was sitting in the place where the dungeon monitor usually stayed. It was a small station in front of the hall that led to the privacy and specialized playrooms. From here it was like the club didn’t exist. There was a big desk with security monitors trained on the entrances and exits of The Garden.

  “So there are rooms to have sex in? Doesn’t everyone live here?” Roni asked as he approached the station.

  “Not everyone. There are plenty of members who don’t live and work here. But you’ll see why even the ones who do like the privacy rooms.” He nodded Nina’s way. “Which rooms are open?”

  Nina was a pretty woman who’d come to McKay-Taggart and Knight straight out of Interpol. She wasn’t dressed for play at all. She was in yoga pants and a T-shirt, like she’d come from the gym. Her auburn hair was in a high ponytail. “I think three is the only one being used. But I’m just filling in. The monitor tonight is also a security guard, and something’s going on in the garage. I was told it was nothing to worry about, but still, here I am. Hello, Veronica. I see you didn’t feel like putting on a bustier and heels. I don’t understand why fet wear can’t be more comfortable. I’m protesting until Damon declares yoga pants and trainers proper costume for the dungeon floor.”