He cocked his head to one side as he brushed a tear off her cheek. “What makes you think you did something wrong?”
“I couldn’t follow the simplest instructions. You told me not to use my muscles, but I couldn’t help it.”
Miles chuckled and squeeze her tighter for a moment. “I wanted to give you time to find your pleasure again. I didn’t know you would come to it so quickly.”
“I’ll try to wait longer next time.”
Miles smiled gently and placed a soft kiss upon her lips. “You were perfect. Don’t change anything.”
“You are just saying that so I don’t feel bad.”
“Andi, there’s no right or wrong. If both people enjoyed it, that’s all that matters,” he said. “Personally, I thought it was the best loving of my life.”
“But….”
“No buts. Did you like making love with me?”
She rewarded his question with a deep blush. “Yes.”
“Then we did it right. We can do it with you on top, or with you sitting in my lap. Perhaps next time we will try it standing or from behind. And if we both like it like that, then we did it right.”
“You’re teasing me now.”
“No, actually, I’m not. I cannot wait to make love again. We might stay in our room the rest of the voyage doing nothing but making love, eating and sleeping.”
“Heavens! Everyone will know what we’re doing in here.”
Miles laughed and lifted her chin to kiss her lips. “We just got married; everyone already knows what we’re doing.”
She laid her head back on his broad chest, her fingers lightly tracing his clavicle. “Miles, may I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
She bit her lip and met his gaze, but seemed reluctant to ask. Andrea took a deep breath then blurted out her question. “The girls at school said that a woman knows if she’s going to have the baby by how good it was.”
“You think because you found your pleasure, you might be with child?”
She nodded, her eyes shyly cast down.
He shrugged. “As far as I know, there is no correlation. When did you last bleed?”
She gasped and her hand flew to her face. Miles pulled her hand away and waited for her to open her eyes.
“We’re married. We are going to share a bed. I’ll always know.”
“Two days ago.”
“It ended two days ago?” She nodded. “When did it start?”
“Sunday – always Sunday through Wednesday.”
“That’s excellent news,” he said. “With that knowledge, we can put off having children.”
She lifted her head to meet his gaze. Her eyes were wide. “You don’t want children?”
He knew it was selfish to want her to himself for the first few years, but he didn’t care. He also wanted her to discover her true self and unlearn all the appalling things her mother taught her before she passed those habits on to their children.
“Not yet.”
“But people will think I’m barren.”
“You shouldn’t waste your time worrying about what other people think.”
Andrea bit her lip. “But what they think of me reflects poorly on what they think of you.”
Miles frowned intently. She was always her worst detractor. He wondered how long it would take him to rid her of eighteen years of the criticism she suffered at her mother’s hand. Would she always be plagued with these self-doubts? But wasn’t that a major reason why he knew he was the man meant for her. He would have to dig through these layers to find her. Andrea was not an ice princess, but a young woman who spit olive pits, drank the brine, and snorted when she laughed. He knew this—now he only needed to prove it to her.
“Why poorly, Andi? When I look at you, I see your beauty and your kindness. Why would that reflect poorly on me?”
“People find me lacking—they always have. I try to pursue the highest standards, but I always fall short.”
“You are harder on yourself than anyone. I am sure if the girls at school said mean things, it was because they were jealous of your beauty and intelligence They probably realized you would be the belle of your season and could have any man there.
Andrea yawned. “I rather doubt that.”
Miles stroked her soft honey blonde hair. “Are you ready to sleep?”
She nodded as she closed her eyes, but made no move to roll to her side of the bed.
“Would you like your nightgown?”
A slight smile graced her lips. “Yes, please,” she said rolling away from him slightly, so he could get up.
Andrea watched as he rose from the bed and crossed the room to where he had tossed her nightgown. She had never seen a naked man before. He moved around completely at ease with his nudity, and smiled widely when he turned and caught her examining his body, her eyes darting quickly to and away from the apex of his legs. Her curiosity made him smile.
“You’re allowed to look,” he said, with a stage whisper as he gathered the fabric of her nightgown in his hands to assist her in putting it on without getting up.
High color stained her cheeks as she pushed herself to a sitting position holding the sheet up to her neck. “The only time I’ve ever seen one before was when I witnessed a nurse changing her charge’s nappy.”
Miles lifted the simple white garment over her head and she slipped her arms into the long sleeves.
“Thank you,” she said. “I-I never imagined something so big could fit inside me.”
“It was bigger at the time,” he said, climbing back into bed but not covering himself.
“It was?”
He nodded. “When a man gets aroused, blood fills it and makes it bigger and harder. It is already about halfway there now just because of the attention we’re giving it. If you want to see how big it gets you can touch it.”
“May I?”
“Of course.”
Andrea tentatively stretched her hand toward his shaft, stopping inches away before girding her nerves. When he moaned at her feathery touch, she snatched her hand back.
“Did I hurt you?”
“No.”
Andrea reached out her hand again, lightly ran her fingers along its length and watched in amazement, as his penis grew erect. As she turned to speak to Miles, she found his head thrown back and his eyes shut. When she stroked it again, he curled his lips in and moaned again. Pulling away, she moved to sit on her feet facing him. She wanted to look into his face as she asked her question.
“I don’t know when I need to stop.”
He lifted his head from the pillow and looked at her. Confusion showed on Miles’s face. “What do you mean?”
Andrea’s body tensed slightly, showing her discomfort over having to say it aloud, her eyes fixing on a spot on the bed between them. “I don’t want to push you beyond the point where you can’t stop, but I don’t know when you’ve reached that point.”
“Andi, I just took your innocence. I know your body is probably a little sore or at least unaccustomed to my… invasion. So I certainly don’t expect to take you again tonight—although I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping we might do it again before we rise in the morning.”
Andrea frowned slightly. “That’s not what I meant. I liked making love. I want to do it again. We could do it again right now, if you wanted. It’s just….How do I know when you get to the point where you can’t stop?”
More of her mother’s hogwash? Or her classmates’ silly speculations?
“Andrea, no man likes to be teased—aroused with no intention of completing the act. But he is also capable of stopping at any point. Ask any boy who’s been caught in flagrante delicto by a girl’s father.”
“But…” Her frown deepened.
“Do you need me to prove it? We can start and you can tell me to stop at any time.”
Miles inwardly cursed himself for suggesting such a thing. The last thing he would ever want to do was stop before he finished making l
ove to her. However, he also knew this was a matter of earning her trust. She needed to understand she could rely on him in all things even if that meant going to sleep frustrated.
“You can be on top,” he said, knowing if she could disengage the contact when she was ready, he would be less likely to prove her correct.
“But I don’t know how to be on top.”
“You just straddle my hips, sitting on your shins as you’re sitting now. It’s a bit trickier than the other way but you’re bright.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready for advanced lovemaking. I haven’t quite mastered my lesson on lying on my back,” she laughed. Andrea lifted the hem of her nightgown to her thighs, so she could maneuver and leaned forward to kiss him. “I like this lovemaking,” she said. “It makes me feel close to you.”
Miles cupped her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb. “Maybe that’s because it’s a tangible way to feel my love for you.”
Andrea’s gaze dropped from his eyes to his lips not certain if he expected her to say something. She pressed her lips to his again.
“You make me feel cherished,” she whispered.
“I do cherish you, Andi,” he murmured, holding her head in both hands and re-engaging the kiss with passion. He was barely aware of anything but her mouth until he felt her straddling him. His erection sprung up as if her body was a magnet and he was iron. He felt her long, slender fingers wrap around his engorged shaft and he fought to control his urge to flip her onto her back and drive himself into her.
“God,” he murmured into her mouth.
It wasn’t until he felt the tight moist heat engulfing him that he realized she intended to forego the buildup and anticipation. He heard the slight hitch in her breath as she lowered herself onto him.
“No, Andi,” he said urgently, releasing her mouth. “You’re not ready yet.”
“Shh. I’m ready.”
“But you winced.” He reached out to still her hips to give her a moment to acclimate to his size.
“I didn’t realize I was a little tender. But I’m fine.”
She began moving awkwardly trying to lift and lower herself with her legs. His hands splayed and helped guide her into a more fluid motion. “Rotate your hips. Good. How does that feel?”
Her eyes closed and she tried to nod, unable to form words. A soft gasping moan escaped her lips. She felt the cool air on her bare legs and his warm hands on her hips, but her concentration was focused solely on the link between their two bodies—the way their bodies became one. The strange convulsing pleasure began to build. Her breathing quickened. Heat radiated from her. She was vaguely aware of the strange noises she made, but she did not care. The sounds and the throbbing felt linked and as one grew, so did the other. When at last the sensation reached its zenith and slowly ebbed, her eyes fluttered open to the sight of the most handsome man she had ever seen. She watched as he rode out his own climax. The momentary pained expression and primal noise frightened her briefly, and she thought she might have hurt him until his eyes opened, fell upon her face and he smiled widely at her.
Miles held out his arms to her in silent invitation and she stretched her body over his.
“Next time,” she murmured sleepily.
“Next time?” he asked, thinking she still needed him to prove he could stop at any time.
“I promise, next time I’ll try to make it last longer.”
35
It took only a second for Miles’s brain to clear enough from sleep to remember he had married Andrea and she was ensconced in his arms with only the thin cotton of her nightgown between them. He felt himself smile as he nestled into his pillow not yet ready to wake up. The cabin was black as pitch, but something had dragged him out of his deep sleep prematurely.
As he lay there, he tried to figure it out, so he could go back to sleep. The engine chugged its constant rhythm and he could feel the movement of the ship in a sea that was no more choppy than usual, so he could not fathom what forced him awake. Was it the unfamiliarity of sleeping with another person? Had she rolled over in her sleep?
Then he felt it. Andrea shuddered. It was the movement one makes when trying to stop crying. Had he imagined it? He waited. She made no sound, but a few seconds later, she shuddered again.
“Andi, what’s wrong?” he said gently, tightening his arm around her waist.
“Miles!” she said with a start. A few moments passed before she spoke again. Her voice bore an unmistakable forced cheeriness. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. I-I was doing some breathing exercises to help me go back to sleep.”
Miles sighed as his forehead lowered to rest against the back of her skull. “Andi, please, don’t lie to me. I’m your husband now. I know you were crying. Please, talk to me. Tell me what’s troubling you.”
“It’s nothing. I don’t want to burden you.”
Miles pulled away slightly, then applied enough pressure on her shoulder to roll her onto her back. When his arms were around her again, he pressed his lips to her temple.
“Andi, you are one of the strongest women I know. If you’re crying, I know it’s far from nothing.”
She rolled further toward him until she could bury her face in his shoulder. He felt her body hiccup. He tightened his arms around her and held her until her silent tears stopped.
“Please, tell me. Even if you don’t think I want to hear it—even if it’s critical of me.”
Her head tilted back and she placed her hand on the side of his cheek. The first pale rays of dawn slightly illuminated the room making the outline of his face visible.
“She lied to me,” Andrea said. “My mother lied to me. You have no idea how much of my life I spent afraid of making love. I was terrified. How could she do that to me?”
“I don’t know, Andi. But you were very brave.”
“Don’t make fun of me,” she said, pushing at his shoulder.
“No, Andi, never. I know how scared you were, but you faced it boldly. That is certainly the definition of bravery. The fact that your fear was unwarranted does not negate that.”
“I just feel so betrayed. And not just by her, but by Papa also.”
She buried her face in his chest again. “He should have told me,” she said between sobs. “He didn’t tell me because he knew he was betrothing his company and not me to your cousin. I was only a means to finding a worthy successor.”
“No,” Miles said, tilting her head back and looking into her eyes. “No, that is not correct. You need to know the truth. You need to know everything. I-I was hoping you would fall in love with me before you heard this, but I can’t let you believe that for another day.”
Miles insisted they get up and get dressed. He was afraid she might try to flee when she heard the truth and he did not want her to run out in her nightgown.
Although she still felt shy to have him see her unclothed, she allowed him to help her dress then she sat on the edge of the bed and watched him hide his magnificent body from her view under layers of clothing.
When they were dressed, he led her into the sitting room. “Andrea, I don’t know how to begin. As much as I hope what I have to say will be welcome news to you, I think in all likelihood it’s going to upset you,” he said, standing up and pacing the rug. “God, I don’t know where to start.”
Andrea sat at the edge of the Duncan Fife sofa, her hands primly folded in her lap. “Drawing it out like this is making it worse for me. I already know I am not going to like what you have to say. Please, tell me.”
Miles wiped his moist hands on his trousers. “Five years ago, on the night we met, Richard and I spent nearly two hours locked away with your father discussing this steamship and ways to expand our business. My enthusiasm for the H & O was only dwarfed by your father’s enthusiasm for his company. Your father saw this in me. By the end of our discussion, he was calling me son, and saying I reminded him of himself.”
He looked deeply into her eyes as he continued. “Richard is not Ro
ry’s father; he’s mine—my stepfather to be more accurate.”
Andrea gasped as she finally had the last puzzle piece in her hand. “It is you. You are Shamus.”
“I am. It’s a family nickname given to me by Richard’s family. To this day, Richard rarely calls me anything but Shamus because he wants me to understand I am his son in his heart although I’ll never be more than a stepson on paper.”
With every word he spoke, Andrea’s carriage drew up and became more rigid. Her face lost its expression.
“My father and your stepfather arranged for you and me to wed. Not Rory,” she said.
“Yes, Andi. I’m sorry, I know I should have told you before we were married, but you were so vehement that you did not want to marry the man your father chose, I was afraid you would reject me on principle.”
“But you kept pushing me towards other men.” Her statement had the inflection of a question.
No confusion showed on her face, no emotion showed at all for Miles to gauge what she felt.
“I want you to be happy. I wanted you to feel as if you picked me—not that you were being forced to marry me.”
Andrea’s accent became overly refined when she spoke, but she did not raise her voice a fraction. “How considerate of you to manipulate me into doing what you wanted, instead of coercing me. Well played.”
“Andrea…” he said, his voice pleading for her forgiveness and understanding. “I know you’re angry. You have every right to be. I may have gone about it all wrong, but my motives are pure. I have no reason to marry you for your wealth. Your father’s business is not the prize I want. I would be perfectly happy to sign legal documents saying I will never touch the profits from the James Common Shipping Company. Those monies can be set aside for our children. Or you can control it all. I don’t care.” He hesitated before he continued. “Well, that’s not what I meant, I do care. I mean, I would not want to see your father’s hard work squandered away or neglected.”
Miles clamped his mouth shut, realizing he was saying all the wrong things. He waited to see what Andrea would say, but she stared at her hands folded in her lap. Silent.
Miles Before I Sleep Page 27
