“How would we even do that!?” Chris asked, horrified. “What if it kills him!?”
“What if leaving it in kills him!?” Adam shouted.
Nolan couldn’t think, not about anything conclusive anyways. Nothing clear. There were a million thoughts shooting through his head every second; memories with Luke when they were little kids. Fights, talks, everything. They never hugged. How did they never hug?
“Nolan!” Derrick shouted again, shoving him on the shoulder. “What do we do!?” The others all looked to Nolan, and he gazed back at them, uncertain, and scared.
He wasn’t really ever seen as the leader, and when he tried to be for Jeremy, and Derrick, it held poor results; in his mind anyway. So why were they looking to him now? Nolan stared at them all: they were all terrified, somehow more than before. Somehow more in shock than after losing an entire town filled with people they knew and loved.
“Let’s get him to the car,” Nolan said, moving carefully closer to Luke.
Nolan, Cody, and Adam carried him halfway there, while Chris, Jeremy, and Derrick brought the van to meet them. They cleared everything out as best they could, and laid him down flat in the middle aisle of seats. They had to get rid of a few tanks of gas, as well as additional unnecessary items, just so everyone could fit back into the van, but Nolan didn’t care. He couldn’t have cared less. He was giving every ounce of attention he had trying to figure out how to save Luke.
“Adam, where are we headed?” Cody asked.
“Uh… a little ways north, I think. Toward the mountain paths,” he said, rather monotonously.
“Good. We can go to the rest stop a few miles up, camp out there,” Chris agreed.
“Exactly,” Adam said.
“Guys, I… we need to come to a consensus here,” Jeremy said. “We either pull it out, or we… I don’t know, try to just wake him up from… I mean what even is this?”
“He’s…He’s essentially lobotomized, from what I can tell,” Nolan explained shakily. “His body is functioning at the lowest possible levels, based on his heart rate and breathing patterns, and his eyes are dilated; he’s not blinking at all. I have no idea why, but he’s not even moving those…”
“Jesus…” Adam muttered.
“So… what do we do about that?” Cody pressed. “Can we do anything?” Nolan still didn’t understand: Why ask him? If he could, he’d fix it in a heartbeat, but clearly he didn’t know.
He knew whatever the Chirper was, it made this happen; that much was obvious. But what in God’s name were they supposed to do about it?
“I don’t know,” Nolan said heavily.
Nolan thought about when he and Luke were in eighth grade, in middle school. Neither of them had begun dating Lily or Emily yet– they didn’t even know them– and they were both pretty scrawny, Nolan not beginning to put on any muscle for another couple years. He thought about how they were at a lunch together, and Max, some kid they both only somewhat knew, was being a dick. He shoved Luke’s lunch onto his lap, and everyone at the table started laughing, except for Nolan. He just stared Max down and told him how wrong that was, and then began picking up Luke’s lunch, helping to wipe all the shit off his lap.
Nolan didn’t think much of it, back then he rarely thought much of any emotional or serious acts, but Luke talked to him later that day about how much he appreciated it; how much it had meant to him. He told Nolan how he’d always be there for him, as if Nolan didn’t already know. As if he hadn’t been told that a million times already. Still, for some reason, his mind wandered back to that.
Nobody else in the van said a word, but all of them thought on what they would have to do. The decision they would soon have to make. Nolan knew he was, anyway, in addition to everything else.
He knew Adam wouldn’t want to do anything drastic, but at the end of the day he’d stick to whatever he thought was the best move for Luke. Cody wouldn’t want to risk losing him, so no matter what they chose, he’d be horrified and reluctant. Jeremy would try to make sure everyone was doing alright, but inside he’d be just as terrified, and unable to make a call. Chris would be similar to Cody, and not want to make such a decision, but equally not want to risk losing Luke by doing nothing. Derrick would be rather quiet, and try to process whatever the group decision was as best he could.
None of them would be fully content with it; none of them would take another step with any kind of courage. But someone had to, because if they didn’t, they may make their biggest mistake yet.
In time, they arrived at their rest stop destination. The others all began to take their supplies into the building; the door was thankfully unlocked and intact. Nolan could have only imagined what they would have done if it wasn’t; the tensions that would have risen further than they already had. A few windows were broken, but pound for pound it was in decent shape.
Rather than entering himself, Nolan felt Luke’s face, it suddenly burning up, so he kept him under the lamppost by the door, sitting with him. The others all came outside after setting up camp inside, and sat around him, none of them caring about the cold.
Some of the snow fell directly onto Luke’s face, a few of the snowflakes right on his eyes. After a few seconds they melted away, and that’s what scared Nolan more than anything else. He was like a doll: Lifeless. Still, Nolan knew Luke was in there. He had to be.
He thought back to their freshman year of high school, when they both first met Lily and Emily together. They were going to see all the guys at some lockers; it was still pretty early in the year. Adam’s then-girlfriend, Jessie, was a part of this other friend group, with both guys and girls, and they were all there too. They got to the lockers and saw the girls standing there, talking to Cody. They thought he was hilarious, but Nolan looked at Luke, and saw the way he was looking at Emily, so they got in the way.
They talked to the girls and “covertly” did a whole back-and-forth routine. Playing off each other: insults, jokes, the whole 9 yards. They loved it, and Nolan couldn’t help but notice Lily’s smile.
He and Luke spent the following 2 ½ years playing wingman for each other, and trying to get the girls to like them enough to date them. Early junior year, Nolan finally convinced Lily, and sometime later, maybe a month, maybe a week, Nolan didn’t remember, Luke was suddenly sitting with Emily all the time, and more comfortably than they ever sat together. Were it not for Luke though, Nolan would never have had the confidence to go for Lily. He certainly owed him that.
Now, Nolan was down on his knees, freezing, and rubbing his hands together, trying to warm them. That only made him realize, however, how cold Luke was getting. Nolan felt his face again, it felt frozen. He took off his jacket and put it under Luke’s head; Adam took off his and wrapped it around Luke’s body. Jeremy put his around Luke’s legs, Derrick adding his to the pile as well. Cody helped add to Adam’s pile, and Chris slid his under Luke’s back as best he could.
The storm began to pass, and the snow at this point came down fairly lightly, but ever consistently. Nolan could see it slowly growing bigger and bigger on the ground around them. Even at the lamppost they found themselves under, snow slowly gathered around them. The wind softly blew in from the north, and Nolan shivered, though he quickly pushed it out of his mind. He didn’t get to care about the cold. Not now.
“Guys…” Adam said, almost whispered really, very cautiously. “We have to decide what to do. The longer we wait…” He trailed off, but they knew what he meant. Nolan certainly did at least.
“Let’s move him inside, we can’t leave him out here,” Chris said.
“No,” Nolan rejected. “The more we move him, the worse we could be making things. And it won’t be any warmer in there than here.”
“It’s two feet away dude!” Jeremy argued.
“I don’t care,” Nolan persisted sternly. “I’m not taking the chance.” He was being irrational, but they all understood.
“Well, if we do… you know… how do we do it?” Derrick as
ked. “I mean, do we just pull? Is it that easy?”
“I… I don’t know…” Adam said, though it came as no surprise. None of them did. The real question was: who was going to do it? Nobody wanted to; what if it was a mistake? That would be on that person’s hands forever. But if nobody did anything, and then Luke… They couldn’t take that chance. Nolan couldn’t take that chance.
“I’ll do it,” Nolan decided finally, cutting through the silence.
“What?” Cody asked, surprised.
“Are you sure?” Jeremy said, caringly. “Because we can decide another way to choose who–”
“I’ll do it,” Nolan repeated, unwavering in his tone, though his body shook. Whether that was from the weather or his emotions, he wasn’t sure. Either way, he did his best to keep any further tears in, at least for now.
“Okay,” Jeremy whispered. Everyone else slowly took a step back.
Nolan moved a little so he was directly in front of Luke’s head, right in front of it. The Chirper. He hesitated, and the others all looked at him patiently.
“Nolan,” Chris said, Nolan looking up at him for a moment. Chris was already crying, and he just nodded his head slightly, giving Nolan as best of an encouragement as he could muster.
Nolan gazed back down, and slowly wrapped his hands around the Chirper. He gripped onto it tightly, and slightly adjusted so he was in a better position to pull from. Nolan tugged as fiercely as he could, and surprisingly quickly, he ripped it out of Luke’s head, and threw it onto the cement. He stood, and immediately crushed it under his boot, giving it hardly any time to squirm around.
It died almost instantly. He looked back to Luke, as he still laid on the ground, not moving. Hardly breathing. Eyes still wide open, not blinking. His head was surprisingly not bleeding; the hole it made must have been awfully small, and precise at that.
Nolan thought about a time Luke and he had fought. They had fought many times, when they were younger, but this one instance a bit more defining. It was actually after they had begun dating the girls, in their junior year. They were at some party, or at least, Nolan was. Luke didn’t show up because, as Nolan remembered, he didn’t really like the people there, and Emily wasn’t going. These people being the very same who Nolan began to hang out more and more with when the guys split apart, but that was merely a side-thought.
Nolan thought about how he questioned Luke, and said something stupid, and admittedly dickish toward him. Then he told the others at the party about it, making fun of Luke, and he found out. Luke was pissed.
He thought about how Jeremy and Chris explained to him what Luke was like when he heard; how he got so red in the face, and how he made Jeremy let Luke hit him as hard as he could just to get some of the anger out. He thought about how heated things were for a few days, and how eventually, he apologized. Which, back then, was a rarity for Nolan, always taking everything as a joke. He thought about how bad he felt, and how bad it made Luke feel. He hated it…
Now, for a long time, nobody spoke a word. They had nothing to do but watch, and wait for something to happen. After several minutes went by, maybe 20 or 30, nothing did, and many of them began looking back to each other, dismayed. Nolan didn’t. He just kept staring at Luke.
“Go inside,” Nolan muttered. The others glanced at him, confused. “Go.”
“Nolan, you said it yourself, we shouldn’t move–-” Cody said, but Nolan stopped him.
“I know,” he interrupted, still not averting his gaze. “I’m not asking you guys to move him. I’m telling you to move. Go inside, I’m staying here.”
“Nolan, he’s all wrapped up, you’re not. You could–” Derrick tried to reason, but again, Nolan stopped him.
“I’ll be fine,” he said, choking up. “Just… go… Please…”
They paused, but after a shared look between them all, they somberly left one by one, each of them staring longingly at Luke as they did. As Cody moved away, he paused, and turned to Nolan.
“Nolan, I…I know you still have his gun. There’s uh… There’s a couple bullets in the van, if you… you know…” Cody said quietly. Nolan didn’t say a word, nor did he move whatsoever, and after a brief moment of waiting, Cody went inside, shutting the door behind him. They went off into the building, out of sight from the door. Not that Nolan was even looking at them.
He knew that Cody didn’t want to say what he had. It probably killed him just to think it. As much as they would all always shit on each other, Cody was probably the most compassionate back in the day. Plus, he and Luke were great friends; Luke hardly ever got even mildly annoyed with him. So to have to tell Nolan about the bullets… He imagined Cody was pretty broken at that point, and he couldn’t blame him.
Nolan stayed by Luke’s side, just like he said he would. He stayed there for about 3 hours, saying nothing; doing nothing. Just sitting. Looking at Luke. Waiting for anything to happen.
Nolan kept having all these memories plaguing his mind. When they were sophomores, and everyone started drinking, and so Nolan, who at the time was very closed emotionally, talked to Luke about it. They spoke on whether they would or wouldn’t; whether it would change them or not; what one would think if the other did. After a hours of talking, they ended the conversation at a strange sort of dead stop.
Yet somehow Nolan knew, as he was sure Luke did as well, that they would both still be there for each other, and that the subject was a tiny, insignificant factor for not only them, but everyone they knew. It didn’t change who they were. He loved that memory, even though he hardly expressed it. It always made him feel safe, and cared for. Like he had a real friendship that he knew wouldn’t just evaporate at the drop of a hat. It was nice.
He remembered all the times they were there for each other; before, but much more so after that talk. Standing up for each other when other people, friends or not, acted like douchebags. Talking through anxiety-riddled nights. Playing wingman until the near-end junior year for each other. Birthdays, Christmases, always having something to give to each other, even if it was just a sappy story or a stupid joke.
He thought about when they would go to Adam’s house every Friday during middle school, have pizza, and then go out to a football game, or a stupid dance, or a skating rink all together. Then they’d go back to Adam’s house and stay the night, playing video games and talking until sometime around 2:00 in the morning. He knew how much Luke loved that. He did too, admittedly, even though back then he didn’t appreciate it nearly as much.
He thought about when they met, all those years ago. They lived right next door to each other, yet they had no idea the other existed until soccer practice, when they got into a fight and rode home together the very same day. As young kids do, they argued, and somehow immediately became friends afterward.
He thought how every day since, they saw or in some way spoke to each other, and they made an effort to be in every class, every friend group and activity, every sport, every little event of every short, wasted day with each other. How they always said they’d be roommates in their first apartment; how they’d be each other’s best man; their kid’s godparents… All kinds of foolish and hopeful dreams they’d never see come true.
He thought of how it was so weird that they were just toddlers when they met, and now they were arguably men, and here they were. Still somehow together. Still somehow friends. Because of course they had had some more rough times too.
Fights, arguments, girls, friends, huge blowups and tiny hiccups. They’d seen it all. Yet after every event, even if it took a long time, they always managed to come back, in some way or another. It certainly blew the minds of their other friends, he could hardly explain it himself, but who cared? It was worth it then, and it was worth it all now. And if he could, Nolan would live through every moment, every second of every single day, knowing what was waiting for them here. If he could just have that time back again.
What Nolan knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, was that no matter how things turned
out now, it was worth it all. And although he couldn’t relive it, he wouldn’t trade a second of his time with Luke for the world. Not even now.
Finally, after a long night spent in silence, a heavy burst of air rose from Luke’s mouth, and he slowly stood up, all of the jackets falling off of him and onto the ground below. He took very slow, uneven, and shaky steps forward. Nolan was completely blown away, and scrambled to get up with him.
“L-Luke?” Nolan asked, staring directly into Luke’s eyes. They were looking back at him, but they weren’t… there. They were empty. “Luke!” Nolan said, this time a bit more forcefully, his clammy hands gripping Luke’s shoulders, stopping him from moving. Luke, didn’t even budge. “Luke!” he shouted, he could feel a lump forming in his throat.
Still, nothing.
“Guys! Guys he’s up! He’s…! Something’s happening! I need help!” Nolan yelled out, pleading for the others, but they had all fallen asleep, completely emotionally and physically drenched by the day’s events. They probably wouldn’t be awake until tomorrow, when they’d all inevitably have to head off to some new location, with or without Luke. Nolan was alone.
Desperate, he let go of Luke and ran to the van, grabbing an assortment of items, and came back with the guitar in his hands, trying to strum it in front of him. He didn’t know how to play, certainly not well, but hopefully that wouldn’t matter.
“Remember? The guitar, you love playing the guitar!” He insisted, doing his best to force a smile, while his chin shook profusely. Luke didn’t move his head at all, and walked away from Nolan, blessedly ignorant to his intent. Nolan sighed, and put the guitar down. He ran out after Luke, and stopped him from wandering off. He had only made it a few feet, if even. He was hardly moving at any kind of normal pace to begin with.
Nolan hadn’t even looked– let alone moved– beyond that small area of focus for so long. It was deep into the night; maybe even almost morning. There was snow everywhere now, though the storm had finally subsided. God only knew what day it was, it was never Nolan’s job to take care of that; Jeremy always kept track of them in his journal.
The Way Back (Book 1): The Way Back Page 25
