MRS. WARREN Well, she oughtn’t to go off like that without telling me. [To FRANK.] Get your father a chair, Frank: where are your manners? [FRANK springs up and gracefully offers his father his chair; then takes another from the wall and sits down at the table, in the middle, with his father on his right and MRS. WARREN on his left.] George: where are you going to stay to-night? You can’t stay here. And what’s Praddy going to do?
CROFTS Gardner’ll put me up.
MRS. WARREN Oh, no doubt you’ve taken care of yourself! But what about Praddy?
CROFTS Don’t know. I suppose he can sleep at the inn.
MRS. WARREN Haven’t you room for him, Sam?
REV. S. Well, er—you see, as rector here, I am not free to do as I like exactly. Er—what is Mr. Praed’s social position?
MRS. WARREN Oh, he’s all right: he’s an architect. What an old-stick-in-the-mud you are, Sam!
FRANK Yes, it’s all right, gov‘nor. He built that place down in Monmouthshire for the Duke of Beaufort—Tintern Abbey they call it. You must have heard of it. [He winks with lightning smartness at MRS. WARREN, and regards his father blandly.]
REV. S. Oh, in that case, of course we shall only be too happy. I suppose he knows the Duke of Beaufort personally.
FRANK Oh, ever so intimately! We can stick him in Georgina’s old room.
MRS. WARREN Well, t h a t’ s settled. Now, if those two would only come in and let us have supper. They’ve no right to stay out after dark like this.
CROFTS [aggressively] What harm are they doing you?
MRS. WARREN Well, harm or not, I don’t like it.
FRANK Better not wait for them, Mrs. Warren. Praed will stay out as long as possible. He has never known before what it is to stray over the heath on a summer night with my Vivie.
CROFTS [sitting up in some consternation] I say, you know. Come!
REV. S. [startled out of his professional manner into real force and sincerity ] Frank, once for all, it’s out of the question. Mrs. Warren will tell you that it’s not to be thought of.
CROFTS Of course not.
FRANK [with enchanting placidity] Is that so, Mrs. Warren?
MRS. WARREN [reflectively] Well, Sam, I don’t know. If the girl wants to get married, no good can come of keeping her unmarried.
REV. S. [astounded] But married to him !—your daughter to my son! Only think: it’s impossible.
CROFTS Of course it’s impossible. Don’t be a fool, Kitty.
MRS. WARREN [nettled] Why not? Isn’t my daughter good enough for your son?
REV. S. But surely, my dear Mrs. Warren, you know the reason—
MRS. WARREN [defiantly] I know no reasons. If you know any, you can tell them to the lad, or to the girl, or to your congregation, if you like.
REV. S. [helplessly] You know very well that I couldn’t tell anyone the reasons. But my boy will believe me when I tell him there are reasons.
FRANK Quite right, Dad: he will. But has your boy’s conduct ever been influenced by your reasons?
CROFTS You can’t marry her; and that’s all about it. [He gets up and stands on the hearth, with his back to the fireplace, frowning determinedly. ]
MRS. WARREN [turning on him sharply] What have you got to do with it, pray?
FRANK [with his prettiest lyrical cadence] Precisely what I was going to ask, myself, in my own graceful fashion.
CROFTS [to MRS. WARREN] I suppose you don’t want to marry the girl to a man younger than herself and without either a profession or twopence to keep her on. Ask Sam, if you don’t believe me. [To the REV. S.] How much more money are you going to give him?
REV. S. Not another penny. He has had his patrimony; and he spent the last of it in July. [MRS. WARREN’s face falls.]
CROFTS [watching her] There! I told you. [He resumes his place on the settle and puts up his legs on the seat again, as if the matter were finally disposed of.]
FRANK [plaintively] This is ever so mercenary. Do you suppose Miss Warren’s going to marry for money? If we love one another—
MRS. WARREN Thank you. Your love’s a pretty cheap commodity, my lad. If you have no means of keeping a wife, that settles it: you can’t have Vivie.
FRANK [much amused] What do you say, gov‘nor, eh?
REV. S. I agree with Mrs. Warren.
FRANK And good old Crofts has already expressed his opinion.
CROFTS [turning angrily on his elbow] Look here: I want none of y o u r cheek.
FRANK [pointedly] I‘meverso sorry to surprise you, Crofts; but you allowed yourself the liberty of speaking to me like a father a moment ago. One father is enough, thank you. CROFTS [contemptuously] Yah! [He turns away again.]
FRANK [rising] Mrs. Warren: I cannot give my Vivie up even for your sake.
MRS. WARREN [muttering] Young scamp!
FRANK [continuing] And as you no doubt intend to hold out other prospects to her, I shall lose no time in placing my case before her. [They stare at him; and he begins to declaim gracefully]
He either fears his fate too much,
Or his deserts are small,
That dares not put it to the touch
To gain or lose it all.n
[The cottage door opens whilst he is reciting; and VIVIE and PRAED come in. He breaks off. PRAED puts his hat on the dresser. There is an immediate improvement in the company’s behaviour. CROFTS takes down his legs from the settle and pulls himself together as PRAED joins him at the fireplace. MRS. WARREN loses her ease of manner, and takes refuge in querulousness.]
MRS. WARREN Wherever have you been, Vivie?
VIVIE [taking off her hat and throwing it carelessly on the table] On the hill.
MRS. WARREN Well, you shouldn’t go off like that without letting me know. How could I tell what had become of you—and night coming on, too!
VIVIE [going to the door of the inner room and opening it, ignoring her mother] Now, about supper? We shall be rather crowded in here, I’m afraid.
MRS. WARREN Did you hear what I said, Vivie?
VIVIE [quietly] Yes, mother. [Reverting to the supper difficulty.] How many are we? [Counting.] One, two, three, four, five, six. Well, two will have to wait until the rest are done: Mrs. Alison has only plates and knives for four.
PRAED Oh, it doesn’t matter about me. I—
VIVIE You have had a long walk and are hungry, Mr. Praed: you shall have your supper at once. I can wait myself. I want one person to wait with me. Frank: are you hungry?
FRANK Not the least in the world—completely off my peck, in fact.
MRS. WARREN [to CROFTS] Neither are you, George. You can wait.
CROFTS Oh, hang it, I’ve eaten nothing since tea-time. Can’t Sam do it?
FRANK Would you starve my poor father?
REV. S. [testily] Allow me to speak for myself, sir. I am perfectly willing to wait.
VIVIE [decisively] There’s no need. Only two are wanted. [She opens the door of the inner room.] Will you take my mother in, Mr. Gardner. [The REV. S. takes MRS. WARREN; and they pass into the next room. PRAED and CROFTS follow. All except PRAED clearly disapprove of the arrangement, but do not know how to resist it. VIVIE stands at the door looking in at them.] Can you squeeze past to that corner, Mr. Praed: it’s rather a tight fit. Take care of your coat against the white-wash—that’s right. Now, are you all comfortable?
PRAED [within] Quite, thank you.
MRS. WARREN [within] Leave the door open, dearie. [FRANK looks at VIVIE; then steals to the cottage door and softly sets it wide open.] Oh, Lor’ , what a draught! You’d better shut it, dear. [VIVIE shuts it promptly. FRANK noiselessly shuts the cottage door.]
FRANK [exulting] Aha! Got rid of ‘em. Well, Vivvums: what do you think of my governor!
VIVIE [preoccupied and serious] I’ve hardly spoken to him. He doesn’t strike me as being a particularly able person.
FRANK Well, you know, the old man is not altogether such a fool as he looks. You see, he’s rector here; and in trying to live up to it he
makes a much bigger ass of himself than he really is. No, the gov‘nor ain’t so bad, poor old chap; and I don’t dislike him as much as you might expect. He means well. How do you think you’ll get on with him?
VIVIE [rather grimly] I don’t think my future life will be much concerned with him, or with any of that old circle of my mother‘s, except perhaps Praed. What do you think of my mother?
FRANK Really and truly?
VIVIE Yes, really and truly.
FRANK Well, she’s ever so jolly. But she’s rather a caution, isn’t she? And Crofts! Oh, my eye, Crofts!
VIVIE What a lot, Frank!
FRANK What a crew!
VIVIE [with intense contempt for them] If I thought that I was like that—that I was going to be a waster, shifting along from one meal to another with no purpose, and no character, and no grit in me, I’d open an artery and bleed to death without one moment’s hesitation.
FRANK Oh, no, you wouldn’t. Why should they take any grind when they can afford not to? I wish I had their luck. No: what I object to is their form. It isn’t the thing: it’s slovenly, ever so slovenly.
VIVIE Do you think your form will be any better when you’re as old as Crofts, if you don’t work?
FRANK Of course I do—ever so much better. Vivvums mustn’t lecture: her little boy’s incorrigible. [He attempts to take her face caressingly in his hands.]
VIVIE [striking his hands down sharply] Off with you: Vivvums is not in a humor for petting her little boy this evening.
FRANK How unkind!
VIVIE [stamping at him] Be serious. I’m serious.
FRANK Good. Let us talk learnedly. Miss Warren: do you know that all the most advanced thinkers are agreed that half the diseases of modern civilization are due to starvation of the affections in the young. Now, I—
VIVIE [cutting him short] You are getting tiresome. [She opens the inner door.] Have you room for Frank there? He’s complaining of starvation.
MRS. WARREN [within] Of course there is [clatter of knives and glasses as she moves the things on the table]. Here: there’s room now beside me. Come along, Mr. Frank.
FRANK [aside to VIVIE, as he goes] Her little boy will be ever so even with his Vivvums for this. [He goes into the other room.]
MRS. WARREN [within] Here, Vivie: come on, you too, child. You must be famished. [She enters, followed by CROFTS, who holds the door open for VIVIE with marked deference. She goes out without looking at him; and he shuts the door after her.] Why, George, you can’t be done: you’ve eaten nothing.
CROFTS Oh, all I wanted was a drink. [He thrusts his hands in his pockets and begins prowling about the room, restless and sulky.]
MRS. WARREN Well, I like enough to eat. But a little of that cold beef and cheese and lettuce goes a long way. [With a sigh of only half repletion she sits down lazily at the table.]
CROFTS What do you go encouraging that young pup for?
MRS. WARREN [on the alert at once] Now see here, George: what are you up to about that girl? I’ve been watching your way of looking at her. Remember: I know you and what your looks mean.
CROFTS There’s no harm in looking at her, is there?
MRS. WARREN I’d put you out and pack you back to London pretty soon if I saw any of your nonsense. My girl’s little finger is more to me than your whole body and soul. [CROFTS receives this with a sneering grin. MRS. WARREN, flushing a little at her failure to impose on him in the character of a theatrically devoted mother, adds in a lower key.] Make your mind easy: the young pup has no more chance than you have.
CROFTS Mayn’t a man take an interest in a girl?
MRS. WARREN Not a man like you.
CROFTS How old is she?
MRS. WARREN Never you mind how old she is.
CROFTS Why do you make such a secret of it?
MRS. WARREN Because I choose.
CROFTS Well, I’m not fifty yet; and my property is as good as ever it was—
MRS. WARREN [interrupting him] Yes; because you’re as stingy as you’re vicious.
CROFTS [continuing] And a baronet isn’t to be picked up every day. No other man in my position would put up with you for a mother-in-law. Why shouldn’t she marry me?
MRS. WARREN You!
CROFTS We three could live together quite comfortably. I’d die before her and leave her a bouncing widow with plenty of money. Why not? It’s been growing in my mind all the time I’ve been walking with that fool inside there.
MRS. WARREN [revolted] Yes; it’s the sort of thing that would grow in your mind. [He halts in his prowling; and the two look at one another, she steadfastly, with a sort of awe behind her contemptuous disgust: he stealthily, with a carnal gleam in his eye and a loose grin, tempting her.]
CROFTS [suddenly becoming anxious and urgent as he sees no sign of sympathy in her] Look here, Kitty: you’re a sensible woman: you needn’t put on any moral airs. I’ll ask no more questions; and you need answer none. I’ll settle the whole property on her; and if you want a cheque for yourself on the wedding day, you can name any figure you like—in reason.
MRS. WARREN Faugh! So it’s come to that with you, George, like all the other worn out old creatures.
CROFTS [savagely] Damn you! [She rises and turns fiercely on him; but the door of the inner room is opened just then; and the voices of the others are heard returning. CROFTS, unable to recover his presence of mind, hurries out of the cottage. The clergyman comes back.]
REV. S. [looking round] Where is Sir George?
MRS. WARREN Gone out to have a pipe. [She goes to the fireplace, turning her back on him to compose herself. The clergyman goes to the table for his hat. Meanwhile VIVIE comes in, followed by FRANK, who collapses into the nearest chair with an air of extreme exhaustion. MRS. WARREN looks round at VIVIE and says, with her affectation of maternal patronage even more forced than usual.] Well, dearie: have you had a good supper?
VIVIE You know what Mrs. Alison’s suppers are. [She turns to FRANK and pets him.] Poor Frank! was all the beef gone? did it get nothing but bread and cheese and ginger beer? [Seriously, as if she had done quite enough trifling for one evening.] Her butter is really awful. I must get some down from the stores.
FRANK Do, in Heaven’s name! [VIVIE goes to the writing-table and makes a memorandum to order the butter. PRAED comes in from the inner room, putting up his handkerchief, which he has been using as a napkin.]
REV. S. Frank, my boy: it is time for us to be thinking of home. Your mother does not know yet that we have visitors.
PRAED I’m afraid we’re giving trouble.
FRANK Not the least in the world, Praed: my mother will be delighted to see you. She’s a genuinely intellectual, artistic woman; and she sees nobody here from one year’s end to another except the gov‘nor; so you can imagine how jolly dull it pans out for her. [To the REV. S.] Y o u’ r e not intellectual or artistic, are you, pater? So take Praed home at once; and I’ll stay here and entertain Mrs. Warren. You’ll pick up Crofts in the garden. He’ll be excellent company for the bull-pup.
PRAED [taking his hat from the dresser, and coming close to FRANK] Come with us, Frank. Mrs. Warren has not seen Miss Vivie for a long time; and we have prevented them from having a moment together yet.
FRANK [quite softened, and looking at PRAED with romantic admiration] Of course: I forgot. Ever so thanks for reminding me. Perfect gentleman, Praddy. Always were—my ideal through life. [He rises to go, but pauses a moment between the two older men, and puts his hand on PRAED’s shoulder.] Ah, if you had only been my father instead of this unworthy old man! [He puts his other hand on his father’s shoulder.]
REV. S. [blustering] Silence, sir, silence: you are profane.
MRS. WARREN [laughing heartily] You should keep him in better order, Sam. Good-night. Here: take George his hat and stick with my compliments.
REV. S. [taking them] Good-night. [They shake hands. As he passes VIVIE he shakes hands with her also and bids her good-night. Then, in booming command, to FRANK.] Come a
long, sir, at once. [He goes out. Meanwhile FRANK has taken his cap from the dresser and his rifle from the rack. PRAED shakes hands with MRS. WARREN and VIVIE and goes out, MRS. WARREN accompanying him idly to the door, and looking out after him as he goes across the garden. FRANK silently begs a kiss from VIVIE; but she, dismissing him with a stern glance, takes a couple of books and some paper from the writing-table, and sits down with them at the middle table, so as to have the benefit of the lamp.]
FRANK [at the door, taking MRS. WARREN’s hand] Good night, d e a r Mrs. Warren. [He squeezes her hand. She snatches it away, her lips tightening, and looks more than half disposed to box his ears. He laughs mischievously and runs off, clapping-to the door behind him.]
MRS. WARREN [coming back to her place at the table, opposite VIVIE, resigning herself to an evening of boredom now that the men are gone] Did you ever in your life hear anyone rattle on so? Isn’t he a tease? [She sits down.] Now that I think of it, dearie, don’t you go encouraging him. I’m sure he’s a regular good-for-nothing.
VIVIE Yes: I’m afraid poor Frank is a thorough good-for-nothing. I shall have to get rid of him; but I shall feel sorry for him, though he’s not worth it, poor lad. That man Crofts does not seem to me to be good for much either, is he?
MRS. WARREN [galled by VIVIE’s cool tone] What do you know of men, child, to talk that way about them? You’ll have to make up your mind to see a good deal of Sir George Crofts, as he’s a friend of mine.
VIVIE [quite unmoved] Why? Do you expect that we shall be much together—you and I, I mean?
MRS. WARREN [staring at her] Of course—until you’re married. You’re not going back to college again.
VIVIE Do you think my way of life would suit you? I doubt it.
MRS. WARREN Y o u r way of life! What do you mean?
VIVIE [cutting a page of her book with the paper knife on her chatelaine] Has it really never occurred to you, mother, that I have a way of life like other people?
MRS. WARREN What nonsense is this you’re trying to talk? Do you want to shew your independence, now that you’re a great little person at school? Don’t be a fool, child.
Man and Superman and Three Other Plays Page 9
