Had her parents followed her, wanting to make amends? She stiffened as her pulse kicked up a notch. All these adrenaline rushes lately couldn’t possibly be good for the baby. She straightened her back and forced herself to breathe deeply several times.
She could handle this.
They’d hug. They’d cry. And then they’d work through this together, just as they always had.
The bell rang again.
With a final breath, she swung open the door.
“Colin.” Her voice hitched in her throat at the sight of her former lover—she realized now why he’d never referred to her as a girlfriend—rocking on his heels, hands stuffed deep inside his pockets as he hunched over to avoid the rain dripping from the roof. Hair disheveled and circles under his eyes, he looked sheepish, unlike the hardened version of himself that she’d encountered at the university and at The Bean.
He threw a glance over his shoulder—another of his habits that suddenly made sense. “Can I come in?”
Kaitlyn stepped aside and allowed him to enter, quietly breathing in the scent of aftershave and academia that was uniquely Colin. “What are you doing here?”
Hands still inside his pockets, he looked from her to the love seat as though asking permission to be in her space. “I think it’s fair to say we need to talk.”
“I’m glad you think so.” Hesitantly, she closed the door and moved into the living room, situating herself on the recliner that sat opposite the love seat. She motioned for him to make himself comfortable.
Acid seeped into her stomach as she waited for him to say something that would magically fix this situation. But the longer they sat in uncomfortable silence, the more the heartburn ate her from the inside out.
Colin’s eyes locked onto her. “I’m sorry for the way I acted. It was wrong.”
She nodded, unsure what to say. Unsure where she even wanted this conversation to lead. Clearly she didn’t want another woman’s husband, and yet that’s what she had sitting in front of her. The father of her baby. At least she hadn’t told her parents that part. There had been no need once the initial news was delivered. If they didn’t want to be involved, then it really made no difference.
Except to her—and whomever Colin was married to.
She swallowed hard and hoped the heartburn would subside. “I understand that it must’ve been a shock.”
“Understatement.” Colin leaned forward and rested his elbows on his denim-clad knees. “I really don’t know what to say except that it’s a mess. I should’ve been straight up with you from the beginning about …” His unsaid words thickened the air.
“Your wife?” she prompted.
“Yes, my wife.” His words sounded feeble, like those of a man who wasn’t sure where his marriage was even headed. Or maybe it was her wishful thinking. If he wasn’t married, would he want her? She didn’t want to be the reason a man left his wife, but if he did … would they be together?
She sickened at the thought of what she’d become—a woman who was desperate in an ugly and complicated way. The acid burbled inside her, leaking up her throat, and her salivary glands tingled. She clutched her chest and rose abruptly. “Sorry, I need to—”
Kaitlyn scurried down the hall and burst into the bathroom, threw open the toilet lid, and leaned over. Her eyes watered as she released. Why now? Humiliation swept over her as she finished and flushed away her dinner that had turned sour not long after talking to her parents. She swiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
“Let me help.” Colin entered the room and grabbed the hand towel, then turned on the faucet and dampened the cloth. He tugged at her shoulder and helped her stand before pressing the cool towel to her face.
Kaitlyn leaned against the counter and took the cloth from Colin. Her stupid body couldn’t have waited until he was gone to heave?
Suddenly she felt strong arms encircle her, pulling her into a rocksolid chest. She breathed deeply, remembering when she freely enjoyed burrowing into Colin—no guilt, no second thoughts.
She drew back and dared to meet his weighty gaze. Wasn’t this what she’d been hoping for since she’d seen the plus sign in the little window on the pregnancy test? More than anything, she wanted a father for her child and for that man to hold her and tell her they would have a happy ending.
But not at someone else’s expense. She wasn’t that desperate or cruel—at least she didn’t want to believe she was.
“Feeling better?” He smoothed the hair back from her face, his touch both tender and searing, and then he cupped her cheek and searched her eyes.
She nodded without pulling away.
Colin’s brow flexed. “Does this happen often?”
Unable to meet his gaze any longer, she studied the tiles on the floor and her chipped-polish toenails. “More than I thought it would, but supposedly once I’m past the first trimester it’ll get better.”
“How far along are you?” The concern in his low, sonorous voice reminded her why she’d been so drawn to him. One of many reasons which she was trying daily to forget.
“About twelve weeks, give or take.”
“Does your roommate—what’s her name?—help you?”
Kaitlyn eased away from his touch, her face hot. “Sydney—she’s gone for the summer.”
Colin leaned against the counter next to her, their arms brushing. “I’m really sorry you’ve had to deal with this alone. I admit I was a jerk.”
Her mouth puckered as she bit back accusing words. Now that she knew his situation, what good would a guilt trip do? They had nowhere to go from here. Had he also apologized to his wife for having an affair? Did she even know? As much as Kaitlyn wondered—had been wondering for days—she wasn’t going to ask. Even more guilt would pile on her if she started to think of his wife as a woman with feelings, a woman whose life she’d damaged.
“Come.” Colin grazed her hand, tugging just hard enough to guide her out of the bathroom before he let go. He hovered over her until she was situated on the love seat then disappeared into the kitchen. Cabinet doors opened and closed, then the faucet ran. He reappeared at her side with a cup. “You probably need to hydrate.”
Funny that he had the nerve to tell her what she should do, but she didn’t refuse the offering. She drank deeply to cleanse the sourness in her mouth.
“Slow sips,” he whispered as he crouched next to her and watched.
She pulled the cup away and frowned. “I’m fine now, really.”
Colin held up his hands and backed away, then sat in the recliner and continued to scrutinize her every motion. He rubbed his hands together, started to speak, and then stopped.
“Just spit it out,” she said before setting the cup down with a clatter. “I know you didn’t come here to watch me get sick, so why are you here?” She hated the sharpness of her tone, but she couldn’t help it, not now, with all the anguish of the past few months simmering at the surface. “Are you here to make sure I stay quiet? To make sure I don’t cause trouble for you at work?” Her hands fisted. “Or with your wife?”
Colin blanched. Myriad emotions flickered across his face before he spoke. “I came here to try to do the right thing.”
“Which is what, exactly? I hope you have a good answer, because I’d really like to know what the right thing is now that I know you’re married.” The last word clogged her throat. Hearing it out loud, it sounded even worse than it did in her head.
He pushed out of the recliner and sent it rocking. “I don’t know.” He paced the room, seeming to fill the small space with ragged concern and angst. “For the life of me, I wish I knew. I wish I could go back—” He cut himself off.
“Just say it,” she murmured. “You wish you hadn’t been with me.”
“That’s not—” He ran his hand through his hair.
“Can’t bring yourself to keep lying to me?” The softness of her voice belied the venom in her veins. To think how he’d deceived her every time they were together made her sick
.
Colin spun to face her. His jaw ticked. “I never led you to believe we had a future.”
“No one said you did, but I certainly didn’t think you were married.” She hugged her knees to her chest.
“Really?” He paced in front of her, his shoes squawking every time he spun and turned. He lowered his voice and leveled his gaze at her. “Can you honestly say you had no idea?”
“Of course not. You don’t even have a wedding ring—you know, the universal symbol for marriage.” She stabbed the air toward his empty finger.
“So what? I lost it.” His mouth tightened before he spoke again. “Think about it. Think about our whole so-called relationship and tell me you didn’t know.”
The bluntness of his comments caught her off guard. So many times since finding out the truth, she’d asked herself if there were clues she had missed. The clandestine meetings away from campus, never being invited to his home, and the stretches of time she didn’t hear from him all pointed to his needing secrecy to protect his job. But in hindsight, they meant so much more.
She sighed, defeated. “I guess I saw what I wanted to see.”
In two steps he was at her side, lowered to one knee. “I did too, and I’m sorry for getting so angry. I just don’t know where to go with this.”
“What are we going to do? What happens now?” The answers, whatever they were, terrified her.
Colin eased onto the seat next to her as the clock in the kitchen ticked loudly to mark the moments. She hated that having him here was a comfort, especially because she knew it wouldn’t last. Already she had to anticipate the moment he’d walk out the door, leaving her to guess whether or not he’d be back. The difference from just a month ago, when she felt so confident in his feelings for her, was startling. Scary how life could change so fast, and the changes were only beginning.
Finally he spoke. “I don’t know what the right thing is now, but I know that I can’t leave you alone in this.” No declarations of his feelings for her, only a sense of duty. Matter of fact. Clinical. He was a scientist, after all.
“How involved can you be?” She faced him and searched his eyes for answers. When he didn’t offer any, she continued. “Does your wife know?”
He shook his head, his chin no longer high.
“Then how much can you really do? I don’t want to sneak around, and I obviously can’t hide.” She motioned to her stomach. “Not for long.”
“Assuming my … wife … isn’t a factor, I want to be as involved as possible.” His shoulders heaved as he sought her gaze. “I want this baby.”
CHAPTER 27
Marissa
Monsoon season was late in making its thunderous appearance, but the first storm was a doozy. Lightning fractured the sky and rain pummeled the city with a vengeance.
After my appointment at the fertility clinic, I came back to New Heights to finish some paperwork and put out more feelers on other classes I wanted to hold for the mothers. There was no need to hurry home—Colin never did—but tonight was different because I was eager to tell him all about the appointment. Waiting to talk to him was sweet torture.
Shortly before dark, I scurried out of New Heights, dodging puddles all the way to my car where I slid inside, dripping wet. Rain and makeup ran down my cheeks, causing me to look like a ruined watercolor.
I added Umbrella to my mental checklist.
By the time I got home, I was shivering and opted to climb straight into my pajamas and then make tea before starting dinner. I had to cook something to make the evening special. Literally everything sounded delicious as though I’d been starving for a decade. When I finally made a decision—lemon garlic pasta and an enormous salad with all the fixings—the chopping, stirring, and sautéing helped me dial down my excitement. Once that was done I pulled out a loaf of sourdough bread and buttered it generously.
Nothing says joy like carbs.
With dinner staying warm on the stove, I pulled a festive tablecloth out of the linen cupboard and set the table with china and real silverware. Two place settings for now, but one day it could be three.
Nervousness spun inside my stomach as I fiddled with the stemware. What if the treatments didn’t work? The more I hoped, the more I’d have to lose. Remaining infertile would be a crushing blow, one that I wasn’t entirely sure I could weather.
But I wouldn’t be in it alone. Colin would see it through with me. No matter how my arms ached to hold a child, my husband wanted it even more. He always had, since the moment we’d said “I do.” He’d covered up his disappointment over the years since the miscarriage better than I had, but I knew.
I knew.
Colin was meant to be a father. Infertility had strained our relationship over the recent months—or years, depending on how one looked at it. The back-and-forth between hope and disappointment had become a vicious cycle, but now, with prayer and modern science, we could be parents.
I could be a mother.
The clock in the hallway chimed. Eight thirty. Colin would be here soon, and I still needed the perfect way to tell him. I couldn’t get too carried away or he might think I was already pregnant. Of course, considering our marital track record, that would be silly. Maybe I could sit him down to dinner and when we were situated at the table—
When had talking to my husband become so ridiculously hard? Forget it, I was going to be casual and just let it out.
The key jangled in the lock of the front door, sending my heart into a staccato rhythm.
I smoothed the front of my pajamas—why hadn’t I thought to change?—and held my breath. Now it was too late to think of some clever way to tell him our lives were about to change. I would just tell him right away. His eyes would light up like they had the first—and only—time I was pregnant before. Only this time it would work out.
It had to.
Seconds passed before he walked inside. His hair was soaked, and dark half-moons hung under his eyes, which seemed tight with fatigue and worry. Even his clothing was rumpled and in need of a good cleaning. How had I been so absorbed in my own internal drama and suspicions that I hadn’t noticed my husband’s haggard appearance?
All that was about to change. Colin worked hard and had struggled with me for so long that he deserved a fresh start—we both did.
I brightened and willed him to look at me, to notice me the way he used to. Instead, he set his leather satchel down and leaned against the table in the foyer, his back to me. His muscles moved beneath the fabric of his shirt as though he were trying to turn himself around but couldn’t stand to face me.
Anxiety nibbled me from the inside, but I quashed it. Nothing would spoil this night, not when I’d worked so hard to set aside my fears and go to the appointment. I cleared my throat, but still he refused to turn. His shoulders began to pump up and down, and I could hear his deep breaths from across the room.
“Colin, what is it?” Concern laced my voice. I hadn’t even considered the possibility he’d had a rough day at work, or worse, didn’t make tenure. I steeled myself for the worst as I shuffled across the floor in my slippers. Tentatively I approached him from behind, unsure whether to reach out or let him be.
He glanced over his shoulder and managed to avoid eye contact. “We need to talk.”
The words no one wants to hear, especially on a night of celebration. Without his tenure and the money that would surely come with it, we’d be hard-pressed to pay for the treatments, but we’d be hard-pressed regardless. Somehow we’d make it work like we’d always made everything work, from money to marriage. We’d become masters of making do.
“Come in and you can tell me all about it.” My stomach clenched as I silently prayed for the patience to hear him out, and for a good response from him when it was my turn to talk. Surely my news would change his mood.
Colin spun to face me. Darkness camped in his gaze as he began to weigh and assess me in an unnerving way. “You need to sit down.”
“What happened?” I
backed into the living room, never taking my eyes off him as he rubbed the scruff on his face and followed me. The leather couch squeaked when I sat and patted the space next to me.
But instead of sitting with me, Colin perched on the edge of the recliner at a comfortable distance and rested his elbows on his jittery knees. “I really don’t know how to tell you this.”
“Is it about the promotion?” I scooted closer and tried to offer comfort. “It’s going to be okay. There will be other opportunities in the future, and you’re brilliant—everyone thinks so.” I paused and tried to come up with something else to say to alleviate his angst. “And I have some good news that might cheer you up.”
His knee stopped bouncing, and he finally stared at me head-on. “This isn’t about my job.”
My mouth opened but I had nothing to say. What else would distress him like this? Worry pooled in my stomach as possibilities began to take shape. My worst fears gelled into the palpable tension that now hung between me and my husband.
Sadness tinged Colin’s eyes and his breath became ragged. “I messed up.”
“Whatever it is can’t be that bad,” I said, more to myself than to him.
“It is.” His jaw ticked and his face turned red. “And there’s nothing I can do to fix it.”
I refused to weave him a safety net of comforting words, but instead waited for him to give voice to the fears that had been building inside me for months. It wasn’t just me. It wasn’t just my imagination.
I wasn’t crazy.
“I’ve been having an affair.”
His confession lanced me with unimaginable pain. A jagged breath lodged inside my chest as I fought to compose myself. Colin would not have the satisfaction of seeing me cry even though tears stabbed the back of my eyes. Fire licked my throat and kept me from speaking, which was fine because for the first time since I could remember, I had absolutely nothing to say.
Colin studied the floor for a moment before burying his face in his hands and mumbling, “I’m sorry. So sorry.”
Shadows of Hope Page 15
