“I know, but—”
“No buts. There will be a few more sessions before I go into labor.” She opened the door and ushered Sydney onto the porch. “Go!”
“Love you, friend.”
Kaitlyn said a silent prayer for Sydney, still unsure whether God was listening.
Marissa
The party was coming together nicely. I refused to think of it as a prenatal/birthing class, otherwise I never would have gone through with it. Instead I focused on the joy of friends getting together, with me playing the happy hostess.
“This doesn’t look so healthy for pregnant women.” Tristan picked up a lemon tart.
I slapped his hand. “Not so healthy for un-pregnant men either, if we’re going to get picky about it.” I continued arranging the tarts, cookies, cupcakes, and scones I’d picked up from the bakery around the corner. It wasn’t in the New Heights budget, and it certainly wasn’t in mine, but every party requires food. And with where we were at, Colin wouldn’t have the nerve to confront me about spending. At some point he was going to be paying child support—legally or otherwise—so whatever money I chose to spend, I did so with a clear conscience.
“This is quite a spread you have going here.” Grace White, the childbirth educator, peered over my shoulder. “You know we end the first session with a talk about nutrition during pregnancy, don’t you?”
Honestly, I’d been trying not to think about it at all, but it was like telling yourself not to think of the pink elephant in the room. I dusted my hands and turned to her with a smile. “Then I’m happy to give them a good send-off before venturing into veggies and cardboard.”
Grace offered a hearty laugh. “I think we have better options than cardboard. It might do you some good to sit in on this one.”
My throat tightened. “As much as I’d love to, I’ll be in my office catching up on some things.”
Tristan threw me a pitying glance. “You can go home if you need to. I can stay until the end and clean up. I was planning on working in my office tonight too.”
The offer tempted me, but this was my vision—if you could call something that killed me a little more every day a vision—and I needed to see it through. All our clients were so excited about attending, and I’d seen them through so many stages of their pregnancies already that it would be wrong for me to leave. But that didn’t mean I wanted to sit through the class.
“I don’t mind staying.” I mustered up what I knew was a flimsy smile by the way Grace eyed me before she turned away to finish unpacking her supplies. “This was my idea, and I’m going to make sure everything runs smoothly.”
Tristan’s eyes narrowed but he let it go, thankfully.
More women than I’d anticipated began to trickle in with their partners. Tristan and I pulled additional chairs out of the kitchen and our offices to accommodate everyone. Thanks to me, we had plenty of snacks, but we needed more tea.
I headed to the kitchen and set the kettle on to boil water.
“Do you need some help?” Kaitlyn startled me from behind.
“I think Tristan and I have it under control. You should go relax and enjoy yourself. Maybe you could introduce your friend around.” I opened the cupboards to scrounge for more tea bags.
“She couldn’t make it.” Kaitlyn’s mouth turned down.
“Who couldn’t make it?” Tristan strolled in and started opening and closing the drawers.
“My friend Sydney.” Kaitlyn nibbled on a tart. “As soon as she got to my house, she had a family emergency.” Her gaze swept the floor. She was not good at masking her disappointment, or perhaps disappointment had dogpiled her to the point that masking it was too hard. I remembered the feeling.
Tristan grabbed a stack of napkins and held them up like a prize. “I’d offer to be your partner, but Jenna already roped me into it.” Poor Tristan, Jenna had been trying to rope him into something for weeks, and he’d been totally oblivious. He didn’t realize that by pairing up with her this evening, he was sending the wrong message. Since his breakup with what’s-her-name, he’d been doing a lot of absentminded things that made me wonder if he missed her more than he let on.
“That’s okay, I’ll be fine.” The faux lilt in Kaitlyn’s voice reminded me so much of myself.
“I’ll do it,” I said too brightly.
Tristan’s soft hand on my shoulder made me doubt myself. “Are you sure?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Silly question—we all knew the answer.
“You don’t need to.” Concern coated Kaitlyn’s voice, which only bolstered my determination to do the right thing.
“I want to.” I sent up a silent SOS to God. “I made a promise to you, and I always keep my word.”
The beginning of the session focused on everyone introducing themselves and their birthing partners, and telling how far along they were and any unusual symptoms they’d been experiencing. Though I obviously knew all seven women, I hadn’t seen most of them since the early stages of pregnancy. Being with them now, so close to delivery, sent a shockwave of longing around inside me, ricocheting off every one of my hidden desires.
The sorrow was getting harder to bury.
I let my mind drift to safer shores as Grace pulled out her visuals and began instructing the excited pairs. It was good to see the mothers—most of them single, some of them abused, all of them broke—experiencing joy over their babies. I prayed for each one then continued trying to distract myself by running over my mental to-do list. That didn’t help much since I’d forgotten to go grocery shopping, hadn’t gone to the bank, and still hadn’t picked up the coffeemaker Tristan had been imploring me to buy for months.
“Let’s finish up with some simple techniques that will help you cope with stress now, as well as during labor.” Grace clapped her hands as if grabbing the attention of five-year-olds. “Just a few exercises.”
Exercise—that’s what else I hadn’t done. With all the recent planning I’d been doing for New Heights, I’d skipped a week of workouts and felt all the more jiggly for it. Who knew I’d actually become addicted to something healthy? I always felt more confident and assertive after a solid workout.
Kaitlyn and I situated ourselves, and she followed along with Grace’s demonstration. She really didn’t need me for this, but I was still glad to be with her. It felt right.
The whole thing felt right despite the fact it was another reminder of what I wasn’t able to have. But these days, what wasn’t? Besides, it wasn’t about me—it was about these precious women who’d decided to have their babies despite imperfect circumstances, who’d chosen to believe that life was a precious gift, regardless. They needed all the support they could get, and ironically I was in a position to provide it.
But no matter how satisfying my work at New Heights was, I wasn’t sure I could do it forever. Running New Heights and having children were the only two dreams I’d ever really had. Now that one of them had been bludgeoned, the other was becoming unbearable.
A half hour later the house was empty except for Tristan and me, and the ravaged pastry platters left behind by a herd of pregnant women. I grabbed the trash can from the kitchen and started the cleanup.
“That sucked for you, didn’t it?” Tristan swept the crumbs off the table and into the can.
“Is that your professional opinion?”
“It’s my opinion as your oldest friend.” He stopped and forced me to meet his stare. “Why are you torturing yourself?”
“I’m not. I’m doing what’s right for our clients. Don’t you think tonight was a success?”
He pulled the trash can from my grip and set it aside. “You’re sure you’re okay with it? That it doesn’t bother you to be part of the birthing classes?”
I wished I had never told him about my infertility, not if he could pull it out of the hat every time he worried. “I prayed about this.”
Tristan tipped up my chin and searched my eyes. “Then why do you look so sad?”
&n
bsp; I gulped in a breath of air and truth. “Because as much as I’ve wanted to build an organization like New Heights my whole life, I think I need to let it go.”
CHAPTER 42
Marissa
A gust of wind stripped more leaves off the tree outside Dr. Graves’s window. The colorful foliage floated and swirled, stealing my attention away from the session that was quickly becoming more contentious than the last.
Colin’s jaw flexed. “I don’t know why we can’t talk about it.”
“We can talk about anything you’d like.” Dr. Graves’s mouth turned up a fraction. “The two of you need to decide what elements of your relationship you’d like to work on, and we can go from there.”
“We can’t have a relationship if we don’t talk about how involved I can be in my baby’s life.” His knee bounced, sending an annoying tremor down the length of the couch. Grim lines appeared around his eyes and on his forehead, causing him to age in ways I hadn’t noticed until now. “Everything is out in the open, so why can’t we talk about this? It’s not like I’m hiding anything now.”
I lasered him with a glare. “Have you told your boss? I mean, why should they care what you do in your private life?” I already knew he hadn’t said a word, but I wanted to needle him. And that was wrong. So wrong, but I couldn’t stop myself.
Forgive me, Lord. Have mercy on me too.
Colin matched my glare head-on. “No. I don’t need to. Like you said, they shouldn’t care about my private life, and it’s really none of their business, especially since I didn’t get tenure.”
Dr. Graves turned her attention to me. “Marissa, is there a reason you don’t want to talk about Colin’s relationship with his child?”
“A thousand reasons.” I knew the answer wouldn’t suffice but I tried to let it stand.
“You can’t name one.” Colin’s tightly controlled voice unsettled me.
“How about the fact that I’m not ready?” I crossed my legs and leaned as far away from him as possible. “I’m not ready to hear more about your baby or your girlfriend—a nice little family you created while I was sitting home waiting for you with dinner on the table.”
“I told you, we’re no longer together.”
“That’s not the point!”
“That is the point. I’m not with her; I’m trying to be with you.” He looked away and stared at the same falling leaves that had captured my attention.
I lowered my voice. “I’m sorry it takes so much effort to stay with me.”
“At least you acknowledge that it does.”
That stung. What I’d intended to be sarcasm unearthed what he saw as truth. I took a deep breath and tried to mask the hurt, to dial the conversation back to civility. “Then that’s what we need to work on—how to put in the effort to stay together. If we put in the work now, we can eventually be happy, right?” I turned to Dr. Graves for confirmation.
“If you both do the work and you’re both determined to create a good relationship, then it’s possible.” Her noncommittal tone didn’t inspire much confidence.
Colin’s face turned to stone. “Neither one of you gets it. I can’t move ahead and try to be happy”—his air quote conveyed everything he didn’t say aloud—“until I know how much I can be involved with my kid.” He stood abruptly and lanced me with his pointed gaze. “I’m sorry you can’t have kids, Marissa. I’m sorry I cheated. I’m sorry the world is against you. But maybe if you’d forgive me like Christians are supposed to, we could work this out. Maybe you could even be part of my baby’s life—”
My mouth swung open. I sprang up and met him face-to-face. “Let’s get something straight. I will never be part of your child’s life. Don’t act like you’d be doing me a favor to bring that kid to my home.” I stabbed his chest with my finger. “And don’t ever mention it again.”
Silence stiffened the room as his gaze shot between me and Dr. Graves. Colin shook his head. “I’m done.” He grabbed his jacket and whisked past me. The windows rattled when he slammed the door.
I dropped to the couch, limbs vibrating with adrenaline, and buried my face in my hands. It was time to compose myself. The session hadn’t gone well—none of them really had—but there was still hope even when it looked bleak. With all the time spent on my knees and searching the scriptures, surely God had my back.
I released a tension-filled breath. “I’m guessing he won’t be coming back.”
“Today, or ever?”
“Ever. It’s funny—he was the one who suggested this, but it’s almost like he was doing it because it sounded like the right thing to do. All I really want from him is love and to know that he’s truly sorry for hurting me.”
“Is that why you’re withholding your forgiveness?”
“Who says I am?”
“Aren’t you?”
I looked away from her, not wanting to search my heart for the truth. “Please don’t tell me that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. I really don’t need the cliché.”
Dr. Graves nodded. “I think you’re trying—I think you both are. This is a situation where there aren’t really any right or wrong answers, only answers that will be right for you.”
“Can you be more specific? I need to know what to do. I’m ready to move forward and make progress in life. That’s what I really want.”
“What ways are you making progress for yourself, aside from your relationship with Colin?” She leaned back and crossed her legs, clearly more at ease now with Colin gone.
“I’ve been working out, going to church more, trying to get more involved with people and life.” I rolled the hem of my shirt and took a shuddering breath. “I’m also considering a change in my work situation.”
“What kind of change?”
“I think I’m ready to stop running New Heights and working with pregnant mothers. I’m a licensed sonographer, so I can do other kinds of ultrasound work. Maybe at the hospital.”
“It sounds like you have a plan, but have you taken action? Or are you still taking time to consider?”
“Still just thinking. Should I be taking action? Applying for jobs?”
“I’m not here to tell you what to do, but to help you find clarity for yourself. Only you can decide when the right time is, but be aware that your judgment can be clouded at a time like this. You don’t want to have regrets later for a decision made under duress.”
Good point, and yet I felt ready for a change. I was ready to have a job where I could help people without the constant reminder of what I didn’t have for myself. I wanted to be thankful and have joy over the life and relationships I did have.
I smiled with confidence. “No matter what happens, I’m going to make it through. God’s got this.”
“Your positive attitude will be an asset to you going forward.” The expression on Dr. Graves’s face turned from neutral to serious. She cleared her throat, and her mouth tightened. “Just be aware that ‘God’s got this’ doesn’t necessarily mean what you think it does.”
Colin
Dribble, dribble, dribble, shoot.
Miss.
His rhythm was all off and he looked like a klutz. Colin wiped the sweat from his forehead before trying to block Adam, but Adam was swift and moved around him to take a shot.
“Nothing but net.” Adam pumped his fist in the air then grabbed the ball and started dribbling again. “Ready for another round?”
“I’m done.” Colin leaned over, hands on his knees, and sucked in a few deep breaths. “I’ve never seen you whup me like that before.”
Adam cocked his head and waggled his eyebrows. “I’ve never seen you this distracted before. What gives?”
Colin vacated the court and sat on a picnic bench in the shade, relishing the autumn breeze. “Same old stuff.”
“How’s Marissa?” Adam parked himself on the table next to Colin, basketball between his ankles.
Colin grabbed his water bottle and took a long swig, stalling the inevitable. L
ong gone were the days when Adam wanted to get together just for the fun of it. Lately, all he’d done was lecture, but after today’s session at Dr. Graves’s office, a little b-ball sounded like a good idea.
“You could just tell me to butt out.” Adam pointed his water bottle at Colin.
“Okay … butt out.”
“I would, but that’s not what friends are for.”
“You just told me to say it.”
“I didn’t say I’d actually do it.” Adam took a long pull from his bottle and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “If you don’t talk to me about it, who will you talk to?”
“Not the counselor, that’s for sure.” Colin clenched his fists, remembering the way they’d fought and shouted. The way he lost control and stormed out. It wasn’t like him to get flustered and show emotion on that level. He hated the guilt his behavior churned up inside him, especially since he had nothing to feel guilty about now that he was trying to do the right thing.
“Didn’t go so well, eh?”
“That’s putting it mildly. I’m done with it. It’s a waste of money.” Colin checked his watch. Time to get home, even though that was the last place he wanted to be. Facing Marissa after today would be brutal, and frankly, he wasn’t up to it.
Adam cast a sideways glance. “Got any other ideas on how to save your marriage?”
“If you’re going to tell me to get to church, forget it.”
Adam’s mouth puckered. “Dude, what’s with the hostility? You didn’t used to feel that way about going to church.”
Colin didn’t know which was worse—discussing his marriage or talking about God. Maybe he just stank at all relationships, and there was only one he really wanted anyway. He shook off the thought. “I can work out my own church thing.” He sliced his hand through the air to emphasize just how done he was with the topic. There was no use beating a dead horse. “Besides, it doesn’t have anything to do with my mess.”
Adam caught him by the shoulder and forced him to meet his stare. “It has everything to do with your life and what it could be.”
Shadows of Hope Page 25
