I stared at her little A-frame house, trying to collect the nerve to go inside. It was a big deal, but I could do this. It was more important to be a person of integrity than it was to keep my heart safe. It was too late for that anyway.
The sun shone through the window and warmed me. I closed my eyes and breathed a prayer before stepping out of the car and approaching the front door. I tapped softly in case the baby was asleep.
Moments later, a disheveled Kaitlyn opened the door and gasped. She threw her arms around me and pulled me into the warmth of her home.
“I didn’t know, please believe me,” she muttered against my neck. “I’m so, so sorry. I’ve been praying and thinking, and I’ve wanted to see you so badly.”
Confusion pulsed inside me as I remembered everything, the good and the bad. But wasn’t that what life was? I squeezed her back, determined to keep my promise going forward into a future I couldn’t see. I pulled back and locked onto her gaze. “God forgives, and so do I.”
CHAPTER 52
Marissa
I ran out of clothes.
In my haste to get out of the house the night of Mariah’s birth, I threw together a few shirts and sweatpants, none of which matched. The only thing I had plenty of was work clothes I’d grabbed off the hangers and my entire drawerful of underthings.
There was still time before Colin’s official office hours ended, so after leaving Kaitlyn’s I headed for home. The clock in the hallway kept a steady rhythm, as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened over the last few days. Everything in the house looked the same but felt so different in a hazy, out-of-touch way that I couldn’t quite place.
My bedroom was just as I’d left it, the drawers still open and hangers on the floor. Had Colin even noticed I was gone? The thought jolted me. We’d stopped checking in with each other and spent so little time together, it was entirely plausible he didn’t know I’d left.
The thought frustrated me, until I remembered my peace. God’s peace. Peace that one moment flooded me and the next moment left me grappling.
This time I was more careful in my wardrobe selection, taking care to find matching outfits and workout clothes. I jammed them inside a carry-on bag. They could be fluffed in the dryer at Mom’s.
“What are you doing?”
I startled, the hair on my neck rising. I whipped around. “Colin—I didn’t expect to see you.”
He entered the room cautiously. “I don’t suppose you would see me with the way you’ve been hiding.”
Without commenting, I continued to pack. There was no reason to offer an explanation for the obvious.
“Don’t you think we need to talk?” He laid his hand on my arm, but I pulled away and stuffed another pair of yoga pants into my bag.
Forgiving Kaitlyn was easy, but Colin … The pain ran too deep. Silently I prayed for wisdom and release, for God’s mercy. Like a gentle whisper, peace lapped over me and I could finally breathe. The problems were still here, but I wasn’t walking through them alone.
Maybe I was ready to face Colin and to face life. To face the truth.
“I’m not sure what to say.” My voice cracked.
“This is your home. There’s no reason for you to leave.” His eyes looked at me but without the warmth I’d once fought so hard to see.
“If I stay here then I have to be aware of all the times you’re not.” I lifted my shoulder and eased away from his touch. “If I’m not here, I’m not jealous and clingy—and I won’t keep you away from your baby.”
“We can work this out.” His mouth tightened before he collapsed on the bed and buried his face in his palms. “I don’t know what to do, what we should do.”
I dropped the bag and sat next to him, risking everything to know the truth. “Do you love me?” In my heart, I pleaded for him to say yes, to give me one last spark of hope.
He angled away, his face hidden and his shoulders hunched. “I’m doing my best.”
“It’s a yes or no question.” I swallowed. “Do you love me?”
“I’m trying.” He breathed hard and fast and balled his hands into fists. “I don’t know what else you want me to do. I don’t know what we should do.”
I stood, picked up my bag, and forced him to meet my gaze. “I don’t know what you’re going to do, and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for the part I played in what’s happened. I know I share some of the blame.” In that moment, clarity found me and gave me courage, wiping out the worry and indecision that had plagued me for months. “The thing is, it’s time for you to reconsider your future, because I’m moving on.”
I squeezed his shoulder and walked out the door, tears of relief clouding my vision.
The years of relentless pursuit, the years of clinging and begging for love, were finally, blessedly over.
EPILOGUE
Marissa
Tristan’s tires crunched the ice and snow as he pulled to a stop in front of the hospital. “You really need to get your car into the shop.”
“After I get my first paycheck, that won’t be a problem. Until then I’m sure you don’t mind playing chauffeur.” I forced myself to laugh despite the nerves tickling my stomach.
The first day of my new job had arrived, and I was as prepared as I could be. The imaging services department of the hospital would be my place now. I’d already met the people in the department and they seemed friendly, even if a lot less personal than I was used to.
I was grateful for the opportunity, though, especially since I hadn’t worked on anything but moms and babies in years. It would feel strange to pull out my former training and work with actual patients again, but I looked forward to the challenge even if I was nervous. Success was not guaranteed—in anything—but I was slowly making peace with that.
Tristan shifted into PARK and hesitated before he spoke. “You know, you don’t have to do this.”
Until this moment, he’d been cheering me on, telling me I could do or be anything. I snickered, finally feeling the weight of the last few months lift. “That’s not a very psychologist-like thing to say.”
“That’s because I’m speaking as a friend who’s going to miss seeing you every day.” The concern in his eyes nearly caused me to reconsider.
But I didn’t, because I finally knew my own mind. “You’ll survive.”
Tristan groaned. “But all those women at New Heights—I’ll be surrounded.”
“You were surrounded when I was there.” I loved giving him a hard time. Maybe he had thought of me as just one of the guys all along, and the realization actually made me happy.
“I know this is good for you.” He attempted a smile but only made it halfway. “You’re right. New Heights will survive. I have an interview lined up for your replacement, and if the funding comes through, then I might be able to pay them more than slave wages.”
“You might want to work on your selling points.” I offered him a playful nudge. “I’ll miss you all too, but I have confidence you’ll be okay. More than okay—you’re still going to help a lot of people and do good things. I believe that.”
“Then I guess it’s time to let you go.” He kept his eyes trained on the steering wheel in an unusual attempt to keep his distance.
“Who’s the Chicken Little now? Don’t sound so down,” I said, adding extra pizzazz to my words. “If you’re lucky I might find you a cute nurse.”
His laughter filled the car as he shook his head, smiling. “From your mouth to God’s ears. Now get out of here. I have places to be, a business to run.”
Between Tristan, Kaitlyn, and Christina, New Heights would continue to fulfill its purpose. They were competent and invested, ready to help women and babies find their places in the world. Kaitlyn had even tried to come back to work early, bringing little Mariah with her to brighten our day.
At six weeks old, she was an adorable, pudgy little thing, with Kaitlyn’s upturned nose and Colin’s eyes. A perfect combination of both their best features. Some days it sti
ll hurt me to hold her, and some days I could love on her for who God made her to be. The day Kaitlyn asked me to watch her so that she could run down to the university and enroll in summer school, I promised Mariah I’d be there for her the same way I was for her mom because she was too precious to turn away from.
Colin and I hadn’t talked much, but he’d relinquished the house to me and was bunking with Adam and Lani. Beyond that, I hadn’t asked questions or pursued information that I didn’t need. Forgiveness on both our parts would come eventually. I had faith.
I’d apologized for the part I played in the death spiral of our marriage—I knew I wasn’t blameless. But his stony defenses were still high, like his last nerve was about to blow. Still, maybe my behavior now would influence Colin for the good. Or maybe it wouldn’t. He had to work out his own journey to faith, if he ever chose to.
Mom continued to offer advice, reminding me how important it was to stay married. I reminded her that it was important for me to walk in love and live in peace as much as it depended on me. Honestly, it was easier for me to live in peace with Colin by not leaving my heart open for target practice.
As for my faith, it was different—stronger but different. The kind of faith that could weather a storm and come out intact, if bruised. Now when I prayed for bread, I understood the only Bread that mattered was the One I already had. What else did I really need?
“I guess I’d better get inside.” My breath stuttered as I prayed for confidence. A refreshing wind blew over me when I opened the door and stepped onto the snowy curb.
“Hey,” Tristan said, causing me to turn and meet his gaze. “God’s got this.”
Finally I was full of courage and full of faith. Most of all, full of hope. “Yes,” I said, smiling as my heart lifted, “He does.”
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. Have you ever been unable to have the one thing you wanted most in the way Marissa wanted to have a child? How did it affect your faith?
2. What part do you feel Marissa played in the demise of her marriage to Colin?
3. How much do you think being unequally yoked played a part in Marissa and Colin’s marriage? How much do you think being unequally yoked plays a part in relationships in general?
4. Did you see any good qualities in Colin? What redeeming qualities might there be in the “bad guys” in your life?
5. Do you think Kaitlyn and Colin will be able to co-parent successfully?
6. What do you see for Kaitlyn and her daughter Mariah’s future? Do you know any single parents you can encourage and support?
7. Do you believe married couples should have close friendships with members of the opposite sex like Marissa and Tristan?
8. Do you think Tristan had feelings for Marissa beyond friendship? What is a good way to handle close work relationships like that?
9. How do you feel about the role Kaitlyn played in the ending of Marissa and Colin’s marriage?
10. What does “God’s got this” mean to you?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Georgiana Daniels resides in the beautiful mountains of Arizona with her super-generous husband and three talented daughters. She graduated from Northern Arizona University with a bachelor’s degree in public relations and now has the privilege of homeschooling by day and wrestling with the keyboard by night. She enjoys sharing God’s love through fiction and is exceedingly thankful for her own happily ever after.
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